Depressed over being a rebound - why was I so stupid?

[taylorb]

dating this guy. We both got out of relationships around March or April. I was farther along than he was. He would still get sad over his ex from time to time. Would ask him if he wanted to get back with her. He would say no. But wouldn't tell me what went wrong in the relationship. Anyway, we dated for two months. It was fun, kind of intense, and intellectual. The ex came back in the picture. I think she gave him an ultimatium. That he has to either marry her or it's never going to be again between them.

 

Now he wants to be alone to figure things out. Told me that he liked me but wanted to figure out why he always jumped from one relationship to the next. Said he needed to figure out why he can't be alone. SAid it was too bad because he did like me but was just not stable enough to have a relationship. I understand. But I am so afraid he will never call again.

 

What do I do? I am so sad all over again. Feelings of sadness have resurfaced like when I broke up with my ex in March. How can I heal? What do I do?

[princesa]

Hi,

 

I'm so sorry for you, but believe me, I totally understand - I broke up end of March and met a wonderful guy in June, he too had broken up in May. We had a wonderful summer, even though we also had lots of fights and it got a lot of getting used to each other. Maybe a lot of all that trying was just willingness to forget about the ex's, I don't know.

 

Anyways...now I feel what he wants is his ex back. Especially recently he has uttered some comments that make me think he's not over his ex, or that he'd like me to be more like her - distant, glamorous, bit...h. And this girl also gave him an ultimatum about getting married or that's it. He said no, back then.

 

What can I do? What can we do? I suppose there is nothing more to do than to wait and withdraw a bit, just to give them time to think and figure out what they want. I think your guy said it really nicely, he just needs time. The worst here would be to push him. I don't really think at the end of the day these guys want to be pushed into a marriage either.

 

It really is sad. I hate to be in this situation AGAIN, it makes me think there really is something wrong with me. And the worse I feel myself, the more like a loser I act...and the less he wants to be with me. A vicious circle. That's why I've decided to back off...at least he won't see me sad and like a underdog.

 

So girl, you have to wait. You have my sympathy . If it's meant to be something else that a rebound, it'll be.

 

Good luck, Princesa

[Scout]

I understand you really care for this person, and I'm sure he has some wonderful qualities. But I think he did you a real favor by telling you that he can't be alone, and has a tendency to jump from relationship to relationship.

 

That is a pretty difficult problem - especially for the women he gets involved with. If you turn it around, you might ask, why can't he stay in one relationship?

 

It's sort of a catch 22 - he can't commit to one person, but he can't stand being alone. You have to wonder if this guy ever really gives a woman a chance. And when conflict occurs, he bails.

 

It's impossible to have a relationship with someone like that unless YOU are like that, because then that creates a safety zone for them.

 

I would go into NC mode if I were you. Eventually, he'll call. If he decides to get back with his ex, I know that will be very upsetting for you, but in all honesty, it probably won't last. Nor would a relationship with you last, if he doesn't seriously fix this issue with himself. And this is one of the hardest issues to fix.

[taylorb]

Thanks you guys. This situation sucks!! I guess I'll just back off then and see what happens. I liked him though, which (again) sucks! I almost feel like I'll never find anyone. I feel so insecure right now. Guess I just gotta take care of myself for now. try to exercise. Try to eat. but it's so freakin hard!!!

[Scout]

It's hard but it's absolutely the only way to alleviate some of the stress and depression you're experiencing. So make a CD of your favorite angry songs, put it in your Walkman, and hit the gym!

 

And keep posting here whenever you get the urge to call or email him. You'll be very grateful you did, instead of breaking NC.

[lunatic]

Hey ladies not all men are like that!!! Lets look at my past here with my ex. She jumps from relationship to relationship like the drop of a hat and the best is she always had another guy waiting when she ends it. I was totally crushed when I found out that two days after I left that guy was in my apartment and two weeks later he moved in!!! (I found this out reciently)

 

I know how you feel totally and the only thing that can be done is what Scout says with NO CONTACT. It sucks and it hurts like hell but, it MUST be done. Please leave this one now because your only prolonging the inevatible. He cannot commit to one person and when things get rough he bails to the next woman he meets.

 

If you ever need to vent to someone who went through this then feel free to PM me.

 

Hubman 8)

[DBL]

Both you women tolerate a lot in a relationship. I would of stepped out of it by now. In the past when something like this happens, I walk away. I figure if it is like this now, then what will stop it from happening in the future. I never felt I should have to compete to be with a girl. You either like me and want to build a relationship or you don't like and don't want to build a relationship. There is no inbetween. From my point of view these guys do not respect your feelings and what you put into a relationship. How do you stay with someone you know does not respect your emotions and feelings.

 

Good Luck to both of you. I hope there is a good outcome.

DBL

[taylorb]

So he called me on Wednesday. He called to check up on me because the Monday before I had a tiny bump removed from my head. I needed two stitches (they call it minor surgery). Lame. Anyway, He was totally nervous when he called and said "I know I'm not supposed to be calling you, but how are you doing?" I told him that it was okay for him to call and that I was doing better. We talked a bit after that, I made him laugh and then I thanked him for calling me and said goodbye.

 

I want to call or email him so bad and say hi. Is that the wrong thing to do?

[Scout]

Don't do it. Wait another week - a full seven days. I'm 99% positive you'll hear from him again in that interim. If you don't, and you still have the uncontrollable urge to contact him, post again and we'll discuss it.

 

Seriously, I think you are being very strong here, and it's doing you a world of good, you just don't see it yet. I see it, though. Hang in there.

[taylorb]

Thanks for your prompt response Scout. Your assistance is greatly appreciated. Thanks again!! I'm okay for now.

[taylorb]

Scout-

 

Want to call him. Want to say hi. Want to tell him that we can still be friends (even without the intimacy). Don't want to lose him. Miss him.

 

We only dated for a few months. It's not like my last relationship where we dated for over 2 years and I had to use NC. Why do I have to use it with this guy?

[DBL]

What is NC? I thought everyone was talking about North Carolina, i'm thinking i'm wrong.

 

DBL

[Barbarella4]

Oh my did we all went through Rebound fever this past summer or what? I am in the same boat too. After a 5 year nightmare with a previous guy. Which officially ended in March. I met a new guy in May he too had just broken-up with his girl the same month. We met and hit it off well. No fights. We spent a wonderful summer getting to know each other. Now turns out he has to leave back to his country. Well and just like you guys I sit here broken hearted twice again in less than half a years time. Its been more than a month. He did call a week after the break-up but I didn't answer the call I was hurting at that point. Called back and returned his message but he never called back. I will not downgrade to call him. Its tough but i feel just like some of you do. Sad, angry, wondering that all I was was a summer rebound fling? Feeling the same and wondering the same as all you do. Time heals, all of this is tough. I hope all of us get out of this fast enough cause situations and feelings like these makes me feel sick. I know that I'll be fine is just a matter of time I guess.

[Scout]

I understand how you feel. And please keep in mind, my advice is just my opinion.

 

I guess I feel that if someone breaks up with us, it's really up to them to stay in contact. They are the one that wanted their space. Calling them is getting into their space.

 

Also, are you sure you don't miss the intimacy? Because the intimacy wouldn't be there anymore if you became "friends". My experience has pretty much given me the opinion that being friends after being intimate is damn hard, if not impossible. Someone always longs for and wants more than the other.

 

It sounds like you really, really like this guy, and I personally don't think it would be easy for you to make the transformation to friends. Two months or not. You can get a lot of feelings for someone in just two months.

 

If you really miss him and want to call him, just don't do so with the expectations that after the call you have expectations! (If that makes any sense).

[taylorb]

So I ended up sending him a voicemail message on Sunday. I made it funny but sincere. Told him that I missed him and that it was annoying that I missed him. But heard his favorite song on the radio it made me think of him. Told him that he didn't have to feel obligated to respond to my message, just wanted to let him know how I felt.

 

So I left it at that and I actually felt good about it.

 

So then he called me back twice that day. We talked the second time. The conversation was great. He told me that he missed me too. But that he needed to get his head sorted out, and wanted to make sure that if we did get back together, that he would give it his all and not be wishy washy like he was with me before (when the ex came back into the picture).

 

I'm glad that he respects me enough to be honest with me. I know that all I can do is hope that we get back together, but for now, I'm moving on. It's hard but I'm going to try my damndest!!

[DBL]

I don't know...I think your getting a bunch of BS Taylor.

 

If he wanted to you back he would of taken you back already. Why would he risk losing you forever to someone else? As far as I ever knew of a break, it was because of the two in the relationship wanted to try to persue another relationship.

 

Anyway...good luck and stay strong

DBL

[TWISM]

To bring a different POV I am "that" guy. I have two women in my life. For the past few months it has been the new girl. Now its my ex-wife wanting me back. (she left me)

 

Trust me when I say this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through, but its not about the two women its about what I want, what inside me makes me smile. Its not that there is anything wrong with either of them, but the girls make it to be that somethign is wrong with them or I am picking them.

 

I can tell you this if he thinks it out and makes the right decsion then the girl he ends up with should have a very dedicated man. I might be in a different situation since my ex-wife and I were together for 7 years and married for almost 3 of those years. So i had a lot of feelings surface when she came back into my world.

[DBL]

TWISM

 

Want me to date your wife? She deservers some happiness too.

 

DBL

[TWISM]

TWISM

 

Want me to date your wife? She deservers some happiness too.

 

DBL

 

She is about 5'6" 120 lbs.. does she sound like your type?

 

Are you getting at somethign with your post?

[DBL]

Yeah I was getting at something, good of you to notice.

 

If you don't care all that much about your wife, why have her hanging?

 

DBL

[taylorb]

Twism,

 

I'm glad you wrote. It's nice to hear advice from someone who might be in my "ex's" (if you want to call him that after only two months) situation. I really believe that he is being honest with me. If he wasn't, then he would still be strining me along.

 

What's the best advice you can give me? Should I give him space? Should I keep in light contact?

 

thanks,

Taylorb

[TWISM]

I would say light contact is best. For me when they both are calling and asking what is up its hard for me. I know that its hard on both of them, I know this but I cant be pressured into being with someone thats unfair to everyone.

[TWISM]

Yeah I was getting at something, good of you to notice.

 

If you don't care all that much about your wife, why have her hanging?

 

DBL

 

I guess I dont understand, she left me. Am I just supposed to drop everything in my life and just take her back?

[DBL]

Oh...my apologies then...if she left you, then she is getting what she deserves...sorry sometimes my reading comp isn't all that good.

 

DBL

[taylorb]

Took Twism's advice and stayed in light contact. It all seemed to be going so well. Saw him Sunday night. The chemistry was amazing. Spent the night. The next day I left him some orange roses and champagne with a note.

 

It read: "Good seeing you again. Call me soon if you want to go out to eat or drink champagne. Big kiss, me."

 

He called me that night to tell me how romantic I was. But then I asked him what the deal was and if he was still confused. Said he was still not on the right track. Part of him still was in love with his ex and that he didn't want to hurt me. Well, after he told me this I felt so stupid for leaving the roses and champagne. I felt so stupid for letting myself be vulnerable. He continued to tell me that he enjoyed being with me and that he has been honest the whole time. But again, he's still confused.

 

So once again I told him that I would take a step back. That I would stay i n light contact. He told me that I was a fantastic person for being so patient, understanding, etc.

 

Since then I have written him an email. He wrote back. That was it. And then I have also left him a voice mail message expressing to him that about the Red Sox/Yankees game and that it was American history in the making last night. He hasn't responded.

 

I feel vulnerable. I feel stupid. I feel like I can't win. I want to remain in light contact so that he doesn't forget about me. But then I think what the hell am I doing? I was his rebound (even though he keeps reiterating that I'm not).

 

I need to get up out of this crap. I need to do for me. But it's so freakin hard!