What went wrong?

[spidartanks]

Me and my girlfriend were going through a little rough patch so i suggested just having a week of space to gather ourselves (thinking for the best for both of us, i wanted to make our relationship stronger)

she didn't accept this too well and well things sort of blew up!

she e-mailed me a bunch of times saying that we love eachother and are meant to be and as soon as we get back from vacation she wanted things to be back to normal but better.

this was on the friday that she told me this.

we both went away for the weekend (different places). she went away with her sister and her sisters bf and his friend.

she was really emotionally upset at this time, at this time i know she used the available guy as a shoulder to cry on (and im sure he put things in her head at the same time too, she is a beautiful girl)

well as it turns out as soon as they got back from vacation she said that things were better like this and that she thinks that for both of us.

we had little contact for the next few weeks (i wouldnt phone her, i would leave her to call me and she would). each time she called we sort of talked about the relationship. i want her back more than anything i ever wanted in life before.

She says that she always wants to be friends and in my life because she cares and she says she still loves me but in a different way (things do not change that quickly after a weekend away)

 

well as it turns out now, i find out she is dating this guy. i know he is not her type and he is the reason for her being so doubtful of our future together.

 

now i know that the reason they are together now is a rebound thing and i know that it will not work out.

 

I recently told her that i no longer could handle being friends as it tears me up inside. SHe knows i want more than friends and i know she is not prepared to give that to me.

i told her i would no longer e-mail or phone her and i wanted her to do the same until something changes in her life and she is ready to perhaps work things out.

 

I know she will come back to me eventually, we had such a good thing....

 

 

i guess i know what went wrong and that is there is another guy that was helping her get through her sad times and since he was there as a shoulder to cry on she thinks he is a good guy???

 

i really want to strangle him and i know if i ever see them together i couldnt take it. and that is a main reason as to why friends wouldn't work.

i know she wouldn't like it if i was to get another girlfriend too. which i will not do. i am not ready to date and i KNOW what i want.

 

any kind words?

[herewegoagain]

I do not have any kind words, but MOVE ON. She will have to decide on her own if/when she comes back to you. You told her how you feel, so just leave it up to her.

 

My ex gf dumped me two months ago and went immediately to a new guy and is still with him. i saw them out together 2 days after she dumped me.

 

You are going to have to let her have her fun with her new guy, and she eventually may come back to you. But maybe not. So my point is, don't just wait for her. If you have an opportunity to date someone else, then do it if you are interested.

 

also, you are going to have to decide (like I had to do) if you will ever be willing to take her back after she's been with this guy. Would you really be able to trust her? Would you want her back after she's ben screwing around with this guy? In my situation, it's a definite NO. But as for you, you will have to decide.

 

My honest oopinion: if our exes so easily could go to a new person, then the hell with them. I know it sounds harsh, but after two months of healing from all this, it feels good to say that.

[hockeyboy]

im going to have to agree with herewegoagain. him and i have been in similair positions. i think at some point we both felt like our ex's would come back but now we dont care because even if they do we would not accept. only then can you really move on. Sorry to speak for you herewego, let me know if im wrong

[hockeyboy]

"When you reach the friend level, there's just one thing to remember though. You will be like strangers who know each other very well"

 

 

so so true...which makes it hard sometimes

[herewegoagain]

Hockeyboy - the way you feel is exactly how i feel. You can speak for me all you want, because we both have been through the same garbage that our exes put us through!!

 

Hockeyboy - also, I remember you said a while back that you wish that your ex could feel the breakup from your side. I feel the exact same. I wish my ex knew what it is like to be treated so cold and bitter from a person who used to love you!

[_Ramirez_]

I read your story and it seems to me that in a way you're the one who brought this upon yourself by initiating the break. On the other side, you tought that this would strenghten your couple and you were right to assume that it would. She did get out of your relationship as fast as she could once you opened the door, one might ask if she wasn't ready for this since a long time.

 

I don't think you should put the blame on the other guy. She might have come to him as a girl who just got dumped by her boyfriend and she wanted some attention, which he gave her. Now he's trying to keep her and it seems to work. Maybe there is some pressure from her sister and her boyfriend since they are friend to the guy. Maybe she don't support her sister in coming back to you if she presented him to her.

 

Maybe your ex got some excitment by being with him and she want to punish you and play around a little before coming back to you. You got shafted right there. That's one of the many reasons why I'm against taking a break. Either you break up or you don't.

 

There is no way for you to get her back in your life easyly without loosing something in return. You could call her as often as you could and just try to be there for her until she dump the guy (thats if you're sure it won't work out). E-mail her how much you love her, send her flowers, try not to beg your way in, but sometimes beggin just might work. Try to be the guy she loved and chances are that the other guy will be pushed away.

 

The other way around is to get a girlfriend too and that might just make her see how much it hurt her to see you with someone else and make her want to come back to you. Girls work like that sometimes. At least this way you could get over her by immersing yourself in a rebound relationship. Just try not to tell the girl you will date how much you're still in love with your ex.

 

It saddens me to read your story as this happened to me. I never got back with the ex that dumped me once I opened the door with a take a break and lets see if our couple is still alive in 1 week." She made me run around for about 18 month before telling me it was over all the while dating another guy she had eyes on. Just staying friend really don't cut it and its really damaging to your self-esteem.

 

Good luck, you can PM me if you wish.

[hockeyboy]

lets put it this way...ive never met anyone who in the long run was not actually better off after being dumped. being dumped sucks..but it always works out to be the best thing that could have happened, we just cant see it yet. my exs name is kat, the new girl i like is carin. my sister said it best a few weeks back. she said "nick, its simple, you don't like kat, you like carin..you just can't see it yet, simple as pie" i laughed when she said it but it made me think and here i am today. i can see it and it was simple. i had blinders on. i wasnt seeing things because i was to scared to. now that i've taken a step back and really evaluated the situation, i am happier and I know that the break up was for the best. now its not just my ex who knows, but me as well. it just takes time.

[Scout]

My impression was that your girl was very hurt and fearful when you suggested a short break. To most girls, that sounds like "I want to break up but don't have the courage to really do it all the way." I honestly don't think that's how you meant it. But that's how it can sound.

 

Regarding times when you two have fought/experienced conflict...do you tend to draw away? Not be the one to call and extend the olive branch? Do you withdraw from the actual argument as it's occurring and leave?

 

If you do any of these things, it might establish an insecurity on your girl's part that when the going gets tough, you disengage, leave, bail, whatever you want to call it.

 

I have no idea if you do any of these things, this is just a hypothesis at this point.

 

But if you do, she might very well be insecure about your love for her. And if this is the case, you should woo her back. Yeah, she's dating someone else, but like you said, it's probably a rebound and a way to strike back at you (which is kind of immature, but that's another issue).

 

It sounds like you both love each other, but possibly previous patterns in your relationship led to this unfortunate situation. Maybe if we have a few more details about how your relationship was, we could determine better where she's coming from, and what you can do to get her back (and improve your relationship so this doesn't happen again).

 

- Scout

[trishcollins]

Sounds like you "ex" has very low self-esteem and when someone pays attention to her she takes it to be more than it is. Anyone who would jump so quickly from emails saying "we are meant to be, and we love each other" to wanting to take more time apart, is completely confused and very unsure of what they want.

 

My advice. Talk to her about it and see what she says. If she denies it or gets defensive, move on. She sounds very unstable and would likely do it again. Sounds like she doesn't handle conflict well at all.

[spidartanks]

Wow - i am overwhelmed by all of the support and NICE feed back that everyone has given to me. it really opens my eyes and gives me new thoughts to go back onto and think about why this has happened.

 

I know that she loves me very much and i ALWAYS tell her how much i love her (even when we tried to be friends for the few days we did, we went out for breakfast and i told her that i loved her then, i said, i am always going to tell you that i love you no matter what as it WILL never change). She says "thank-you" each time i say i love you to her.

 

Here is a little more info of how she perhaps works (i hope i can say this right)

First when i mentioned about the break she accepted it but didnt like it, calling each day and e-mail often saying that she wants me back and it will work out and confesses that in 2.5 years we shared alot and this can't end this way.

I was sort of giving out the NC to her and she did not like that. we went away came back. she was a different person.

Now it was like i was trying to contact her and she was being cold giving the NC to me.

 

i'll tell you what to ME it seems like, obviously she loves me very much and i do her: but it seems like her Heart wants me back and knows there is comfort and security with me. but her head with all these ideas other people have been telling her is saying No, dont do this! she has a WALL up against me and i need to knock it down.

 

Also she phoned me last weekend when she was at home having problems with her sister, she was all in tears and upset and needed someone to talk to, i was that person she chose over anyone else because she knows i calm her and am good for her. she told me some deep feelings and i felt like a good person being able to help her. it felt normal for her to call me im sure.

 

 

another thing that she did is: last monday we talked and it got messy talking about our relationship, i would always bring up the fact that we have some hope in the future and she wouldnt like it when i say things like that (she did like it a month ago). so things blew up! we ended on a bad note sort of and i told her that if she didn't mean this WHOLE friendship thing then for her not to bother giving me charity handouts pretending to be there. i know that she wasnt trying to be a real friend at that point since she would give short answers to anything i would say to engage in NORMAL talk. how was your day at school, FINE,......

 

Basically it ended not nice and things were said that we both don't mean. like i say to her have fun marrying the new guy and having 12 kids. she says: Dont say things you dont mean.

yet she would come back to me and say go hang out with your other girlfriends. its like she is just playing a great big game!!!

 

 

WE had such a great relationship, saw eachother pretty much every day for 2 and a half years, did everything. she loved my family and i loved hers. we would always go out have fun times, travel, go to parties etc...we know way to much about eachother to ultimately give everything up. we BOTH know that.

 

when i told her that i we couldnt be friends if she had someone else as it hurt too much. she looked at me, and cried. said she did not know what to say and that she didn't want it. she liked to talk to me and hang out she said!! also when i told her about not talking as she has someone else i found out she had a crappy day thinking about me. also she said that she wakes up everymorning feeling like crap because that is how I make her feel. as i make her feel like a bad person for what she is doing to me....

 

I really think the ball is in my court now and i think it is going to take a couple of weeks tops before she phones and tells me what is going on.

 

Seriously though: how can we be friends IF she knows i want more and she has someone else?? not possible. she knows that too!

 

I Do love her, always will: Sure it will hurt taking her back after someone else but i will take a hit in my pride and dignity to do it. She is the girl that i can see myself with...and she feels the same for me.

I will get her back, but it is just understanding her.

 

 

it feels good to talk about it and i am greatful for this community.

Once i am over this hump i will try my hardest to give all the advice i can

 

 

 

It does feel good to sort of have the ball in my court since

[hockeyboy]

i would do nc for a while...let both of you gather yourselves and see how you feel after that.

[skydiver]

I cant speak for everyone, but some people cannot manage to be alone. I come over to the US quite alot. I met a girl here and we got on like a house on fire.

 

She had just split from a 7 year relationship, which was dead for her for a couple of years (so she said) anyhow. we had a real 'connection' as the US women seem to call it, but, I dont live in the US and im here for two weeks then away for two weeks.

 

The night before I went home a month or so ago, we were on the phone for 5.5 hours till 2 am in the morning, and we did have something very good.

 

Anyhow, I went on holiday for a week and in this time one of her ex's friends was hounding her, she went out with him, and, well, the rest is history. Last time I spoke to her, he was talking about getting married next year to her. apparently, this is the one for her, without a doubt she said.

 

So from a 7 year relationship, to a two month thing with me, to 4 weeks with a new guy, and now this guy is talking marrage for god sake!!!!

 

SO, sometime, people cannot be alone. With the relationship I would have had with her, she would have got her alone time while I was not here, and goods times when I was, the perfect way to tak thing slow, and got on with it.

 

The worst bit, she finds it hard to even talk to me now, and I was the person that did nothing wrong.

 

Dont beat yourself up, the hurt heals over time, and be prepared that you may not be able to even comunicate with this person again. If you get anything more than this then it is a bonus.

 

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You never know what it round the corner. Dont try to think you can...

[spidartanks]

Thanks -

 

I know that we WILL talk again ( i know that she can't handle me not phoning or e-mailing her and she will call in 2 weeks max)

 

i was going through a stage where i say to her that sure we will be friends, and the very best of friends. i said i wanted to see her atleast 2 times a week tohang out and have fun together.

i only suggested this so that i could work from the "Inside" woo her and show her the good times that she will miss with me. and make her want me again.

 

BUT: over the phone she wasnt very willing to give as a friend just yet and i said forget it which leads me to where i am now:

 

Yesterday i said NC officially in person - she phoned me in the evening and said" What so you dont want me to phone you, i said yep" and she seemed sad and said i gotta go....that was it.

 

finally i e-mailed her this: And what makes this different to ANY other e-mails is that i did NOT say I love you.....

 

I will not be writing to you again, sorry- i really mean it that this will be the final letter

i just want to make things clear incase you aren't.

 

We have semi-tried the friends thing. didnt work, things seem to end up in me wanting you more and you rejecting me even more. I know we had fun when we hung out the few times we did and had nice conversation too, but for me it is just too hard and always will be. you are so beautiful i find it hard only to be friends. throw a new boyfriend in the mix and it is heart wrenching.

I will no longer be calling you anymore or e-mailing you ever again. perhaps if things change in your life you can call me. you KNOW what i want from you, right now you can't give that to me which is fine. Only if you can give this to me you can call me. if not i'd rather not be put through the pain of having any hope atall.

I know you will be sad about losing me forever but this is how it is going to be...i'm sick of chasing you without any give.

 

 

Good-Bye

[skydiver]

Thats cool, you have made your statement.

 

The odds are that you will talk again, and who knows you may be able to get things back together, If that is what you want, then I hope it works out for you

 

The only thing I would say, is dont let this get in the way of meeting other people. Of course, dont forget the goods times, but you may be denying some woman the pleasure of your company, and that's just not fair to the other women that you will meet in your life...

 

Some people say, if it meant to be it will be, some people say that it is destiny, some people say that our lives are mapped out, we can wander off the road, but you will always come back to it.

 

The reality is that life is here to be lived, its not a rehersal, and I truley believe that you should live life to the full. This may hurt sometimes, you may encounter pain, but, you will be stronger for it.

 

I wish you the best of luck in life, me, I, just chuck myself out of a plane, and it all feels real again!!!

 

You'll be happy again, sooner than you think...

 

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Do I go left, do I go right? what way do I go? The answer is forward, its the only way...

 

~ by a 34 year old skydiver from England~

[spidartanks]

haha ironic since you are a skydiver..what a rush that would be..

 

Thank you for the kind words, i know life is meant to be lived up and to have fun and good times but i am not ready to meet new people. my family and hope is enough to me as of now it seems.

 

if destiny wrote what is happening to me right now, then it probably wrote about what i am doing right now trying to get her back. the only problem with destiny is that it never tells reasons of why things happen the way they do.

 

we need a new destiny..

[_Ramirez_]

Well I'm not sure about destiny but what I'm sure of its that we always end up stronger and wiser from situations like the one you're going thru. Either you will make it with the girl you try to have back in your life, either you will use what you learned with the next special someone you will meet if things don't go your way.

 

I can only give one advice when you're with her. Don't talk about the relationship, this will only aggravate your situation. Talk about her, about small thing, about things you rediscovered while she was away but not about the relationship and the problems you had in it. She will bring up the subject when she will be ready and the wall you see will disappear slowly when she'll see that you don't confront her. If she's the type of girl that do not like confrontation she will thank you for it. Do not drive her away by going up the wall everytime you two talk. I know this might sound hard to do but if you agree with her most of the time she won't find anything to argue with you and you will build new a new base for a new relationship.

 

Hang on, there's hope and you seem strong and mature about the way you deal with this.

[spidartanks]

Thanks Ramirez, i appreciate that alot.

 

just concentrate on having fun with her, let her see the man that she is going tobe without and hope things will come around. good advice there.

 

 

one more thing: If we go get together do i giver her a hug goodbye and tell her that i still love her, or do feelings and emotions just get in the way?

 

keep it friendly at first and perhaps she'll wonder why did he not say he loved me, and she'll doubt me and want something that doesnt no longer want her?

 

i think iam understanding this relationship a little more now thanks to everyones help..and it is TOUGH!

[cmacey]

It's true, you don't know she'll come back, and you can't keep telling yourself she will. That hope that she will come back is probably what's getting you through the day right now and that's not healthy. You have to be able to know that you can make it on your own and you don't need her to be happy. Then if she does decide to come back you can deal with whether or not you want her to then, but until then, you can't keep assuming she will.

 

Chris

[spidartanks]

Trust me I KNOW that assuming she will come back is a bad and un healthy thing to do. I dont assume it and get through my days thinkig it

 

but one thing that i KNOW is how we were with eachother and i know that she needs me as much as i need her (she is just taking a detour and a little longer to reaslier it thats all)

[_Ramirez_]

When the time comes to go away tell her it was fun, tell her you really enjoy her presense and kiss her goodnight like you would a very close friend. If ever she want a kiss like a boyfriend should give her you will know soon enough. Maybe if you don't rush her with feelings she can't handle she will be tempted to run away.

 

Remember you have some good advance on any man that will come in her life since she had so much feeling for you. Don't rush her and give her time, that's all she ask for.

[spidartanks]

Thank you for your kind words once again - the only thing that i may have messed up on now going backwards.

 

yesterday i told her that we tried to be friends for 2 days pretty much. and it wasnt working out and i wanted more than friends and she didn't.

i said that i woudlnt put my self through the pains of being around you knowing there can not be anymore taken at that time.

 

i told her i would not call or e-mail and for her to call me only when she had something for me and waws ready to go back out with me basically.

 

was that a bad thing to do? should i continue with this NC for a while, if so how long? OR should i stick with it and wait for her to call me?

[cmacey]

You def shouldn't pressure her to make a decision, like don't call unless you want me back. Just let her do that on her own. If she wants you back she will get ahold of you. If she doesn't, telling her to call you only if she wants you back likely makes her feel pressured and makes her scared of hurting you if she does have feelings still and she calls but doesn't want to go back right where it was when you left off. If she does come back, likely it won't be just like it was when you left off, it's gonna be like you just started dating again. Keep that in mind, there won't be a complete 180 at this point. It's gonna take time, give her all she needs but move on until then and if it happens deal with it then, cause you can't do much about it right now.