My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

Post this again too because it is really important too:

 

You have to forgive people who have no idea what you are protecting them from. You have to forgive people who have no idea what kind of sacrifices you made out of love for them, and the desire for them to find fulfillment and happiness without the knowledge of your pain. You forgive people who dismiss you with 1% of the facts.

 

I need to just be proud of that. Proud of the strength that only god could know I carry. It's not on display for anyone to admire. In fact, my sacrifices are going to continue to be spat upon and held with contempt. Yup shouldn't I just be satisfied with knowing the truth myself?

[meoww]

I guess let's say, there was a way that made sense to explain everything. In a concise way.

And then, it became clear what I survived. The enablers understood, and faded away from my consciousness. The enablers retreated, admitted quietly to their wrongs, and went back to their normal lives, erasing most of it all from their minds. No more drama with anyone. They become more open minded as a result, but not too much more.

 

Or, I stay silent but become better at dealing with passive aggression and etc. I don't try to explain the abuse, but when the opportunity arises, I make it damn clear that I am in charge of my own life and that I will not allow anyone to character assassinate me, not even a little bit when it comes to abuse. That is my zero tolerance policy.

 

Eventually, I find the courage to open up to the enablers later. Same thing happens, same result.

 

Either way, it's not going to be all that different. It is what it is.

 

I can affect more change continuing to help people in abusive families and relationships

Speaking out to strangers

and being a good ambassador.

[meoww]

Also, at this point, I have to be ready to take the path that is easiest for me. Emotionally easiest.

 

I am taking a non confrontational approach for a reason, I think. Yeah to be honest--opening up to you-know-who really didn't seem to make things any better. So maybe I'm right to avoid drama, since denial and victim blaming is what seems to happen instead of what I wish would happen

 

just being left alone to be in peace and to live without guilt and fear and repression

[meoww]

So I am going to take the coward's way, I guess. That's kind of harsh but I'm trying to own it 100%

 

I'm not going to bust out my arsenal just yet. I am going to remain non confrontational. I am going to try to make that stance as painless as possible. I am going to try to not let it bother me and be completely selfish. I want to be left alone, to not receive any well meaning advice about family that doesn't apply to me at all.

 

I am going to become more self absorbed, and more selfish. I am going to just attend my needs above all and really get into that.

I am going to become like steel. I am not going to be easily damaged.

I am going to let anyone who tries to make me feel bad about myself sorry they ever made me feel that way.

lol

 

but in a totally non confrontational way. I just want things to be easy.

 

I want my life to be easy. I want everything to go my way. I want to get what I want. I want to do what I want and have no limitations.

yea that is what I am going to do.

[meoww]

So April/May

 

I'm evicting these feelings from my emotional homestead lol

 

1.) No guilt allowed

2.) No regret

3.) No past

4.) No hate

 

I think that covers it for now. I'll see if I need to add anything else to the list.

 

These feelings are not welcome anywhere near me for a long time.

[meoww]

Plenty of fish in the sea but I'm beginning to question whether or not I even like fish.

 

Everything gets stale in some way eventually or am I just being unnecessarily pessimistic

 

Auto correct is making me forget how to spell btw

 

I swear I'd be open to extra terrestrial dating at this point

Everything is unsatisfying for some reason

Not in a bad way though

Just in an ordinary way

[meoww]

When I get the urge to think about painful things, I just need to stop.

As much as I want to remember the most important details in case I tell my story someday,

 

If it ever comes to that, I'll revisit these journals and carefully plan what I'm going to say

 

So that's all I need to remember

 

If you ever need to tell your story,

Just remember you have all the information you need in here

 

You don't have to keep all the stories in your head anymore

 

You have your videos

You have your private journal and the journal you keep on here.

[meoww]

Trying to cut down on carbonated water

 

It is supposed to be processed by the body like regular water but I don't feel like mine does.

[meoww]

I feel like the last time i ate cheetos was literally 10 years ago. Cheetos were making me happy a couple of hours ago but now they just make me sad...

 

Processed food really is gross. It's all dried out and salty. It doesn't seem like it belongs in the body.

 

I just wish I weren't so lazy about cooking!

[meoww]

I am so morbid but just in case I die within the next three years or so

 

I want to be ready

I'm tired of conflict

I'm tired of suffering, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of not understanding my purpose.

[meoww]

So continuing my morbid preparation for death

 

I want to feel and look my best.

I want to feel really connected to a few people I guess

But even that isn't much of a priority because I don't believe it could happen. Because most people don't really want that.

[meoww]

Bucket list

 

Eat some (or a lot of) really expensive food

Have the best sex ever!!!!!!

Understand science and technology better (everything)

Be beautiful

Sing beautifully (this is never going to happen)

Speak a 3rd language fluently (but if I die trying that's cool too)

Play a musical instrument well

Read a bunch of books

Listen to a bunch of music

Know lot's of things

 

Become a better athlete:

Skiing, snowboarding, basketball, soccer, lacrosse, tennis

 

All things that can be accomplished without the world needing to be more progressive

Just basically amusing myself until my time comes

Scary

[meoww]

Bucket list cont'd

 

Memorize all the countries in the world

And some stats on them

 

Shark diving?? I don't know

 

Have sex on the beach with someone I actually like or think is really really unbelievably sexy

 

Wear sexy clothes all the time or often

 

Go to Iceland or Antarctica

[meoww]

Mmmmm

 

Travel to London, Sydney, Beijing

 

Sleep under the stars on a really nice beach

 

Cook well

 

And I guess skydiving but I kind of want to wait until I'm older just in case I really do die trying that

[meoww]

Meet someone I admire

 

Have nice handwriting

 

Have nice nails, skin, and teeth

 

Tell good jokes

Be funny

 

Be photogenic

 

Know how to use a camera well

And all that stuff

[meoww]

Have you ever just looked at someone's face and wondered if they had cankles?

 

To the person in question

I think even your cankles would be adorable...ugh

[meoww]

I have too many journals

But I wish I did have a love journal.

To write all the cheesy stuff I'm thinking.

[meoww]

For the record I don't think men age better than women at all, look at Zac Efron and vanessa hudgens for example. He looks easily in his mid thirties and while she looks quite a bit different than she did before, she looks much better. Not every woman turns into Chelsea handler after like 32. I think Nicole richie and Jessica alba will age better, much better than their husbands. Especially jessica alba's I could not be attracted to that man at all. He looks 50 with all that grey hair. Man aging scares me so much!!

 

More, Scott disick looks older than kourtney kardashian but he's actually 3 years younger.

 

I feel like it's something about how a lot of men's beards thicken past like 25. Suddenly they look so old and their skin looks drawn.

 

I think gender generally has no effect either way. That dude from glee looks pretty good but he's like 31. While lea Michelle always looked mid thirties to me despite her great skin tone. Ashton kutcher looks good even though he isn't my type at all. And Andrew Garfield doesn't necessarily look super old, or that guy from American horror story evan peters. Brody jenner is also good looking to me.

 

It bugs me so much when women with some kind of inferiority complex have to go there, because it's so not true.

 

Brad Pitt, Kevin spacey, Johnny depp, Leonardo dicaprio,

None of those people don't look very young at all for their age.

 

One of the only people in that age group I am attracted to is Dylan McDermott not sure how his name is spelled. Even then it's more of a hit it and quit it kind of situation. I don't even know if I could go there.

 

That is the thing, I have no idea how I'm going to remain sexually active when I'm old because I'm not going to think I'm attractive or be attracted to anyone!

[meoww]

As sad as it is to see people self harming, i cant let it bring me down. at the end of the day it is their choice and i feel like my whole life revolves around fixing broken people and feel terribly guilty for wanting a life of my own. feel so sorry for her because she is so sad. Same with the other person.

 

I guess I need stop putting other burdens upon myself

 

I have to take action and just not allow myself to be involved in any of that.

 

Wallowing in sadness is useful to a point but

 

At this point I'm trying on a different hat

 

I need to be stronger than usual so that I don't let guilt and the desire to fix others pull me and never let me out of it's grasp

[meoww]

So another reminder:

 

People who harm themselves are not my responsibility

 

Other people's loneliness or sadness is not my problem, even when it comes to family. They have the same free will I have but they chose to exercise it very differently.

 

We are all free to make any choices we want.

 

Guilt is a way that the cycle of abuse still continues.

 

I can't feel guilt for making through and persevering through out the worst.

 

I should be and I have the right to be happy no matter what happens.

[meoww]

I watched a good video on YouTube about how to stay happy. it was a reminder that it is hard work, especially at first! It was uploaded only about a week and a half ago.

[meoww]

Happiness is definitely really hard work but in my life so far it is the only pursuit that has felt genuinely satisfying. I'm so glad I decided to put it front and center in my life.

[meoww]

Sometimes I feel like the problem with high culture is that all it ever does is focus on suffering. I don't see how that is so much more noble or meaningful than other perspectives.

 

We can't deny ourselves the right to feel pain and I think understanding ourselves in detail is so valuable

 

But I know I confused suffering for understanding or maturity because of the social pressure to be deep.

[meoww]

If my identity was a ball of yarn it went from so tangled up I couldn't figure out where it began or ended, to being a big sloppy stretched out mess on for people to step on,

 

To where I am now, starting at one end and slowly rolling myself back up as cautiously as I can.

[meoww]

Mean people only have power when you yourself believe on some level it's cool to be a mean person, frankly. People who kind of enjoying making you feel bad don't need to bother you so long as you ask yourself, why the hate? Why the condescension? Why the meanness?

It's not so cool to be mean after all.

It really is not a good way to approach anything.