My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

I just feel like I can't be very open on this journal anymore so I think I'm going to make a totally private journal. I wanted someone to feel my pain with me, and I'm so glad I was able to do this these past 2 years. Thanks again to the people who sent me their support and I also wanted to thank whoever has read my journal at any point.

 

Sometimes you just don't want to be alone and I really needed to be heard.

 

Now I'm ready for something different!

[meoww]

I just wanted to say that every time I write down a problem that has been weighing heavily on my heart, I feel released from the burden and I'm able to see more and more clearly.

 

Facing things head on is the only way to go. A hard lesson I wish I would have figured this out sooner!

[meoww]

Watching a movie about losing your virginity made me realize how I seriously feel like a virgin to love. I don't have some cute story about being nervous with a boy who was also nervous who also really liked me as much as I liked him, planning it all out in some adorable way, and actually feeling emotion. My exes make me shiver with disgust....

 

that I honestly have never been with someone I truly love

 

This year I am going to change that!!!

 

I'm going to find someone that I actually like. I already know what it is like to be alone, and what it is like to be in terrible relationships so I might as well actually put my heart into something for once.

 

I've always been too afraid to go after what I really want

This applies to everything from work to men.

 

But this year, I am going to go after what I want.

 

I want to lose my love virginity, and my not really living life virginity.

[meoww]

I meant to close this journal but my only other active journal is my positivity journal and these thoughts don't really belong there.

 

I feel like I've escaped the nightmare of being my abuser's puppet. Lately I don't have the same dreams and nightmares anymore. I used to dream about extremely dirty, filthy public restrooms all the time, and I read online that one interpretation of that dream is that a person might have things in their life they are avoiding. So the other day I had that dream, and in the dream, I was just like, I'll find another bathroom and I immediately closed the door, and didn't try to force myself to use it like I normally would have. I usually try to sit in one of the doorless stalls, gagging at the wet toilet paper and filth on the floor and all over the toilet seat. It seems like I've literally closed the door on that mess. But I'm struggling to keep myself happy.

 

I still feel very tired in a lot of ways, like what's the point of living if I'm just going to die anyway. But that's kind if irrelevant since I'm already alive with no plans to commit suicide in the near future, isn't it?

 

Anyway

I'm having a hard time relaxing for one.

I want to relax.

 

I also have racing thoughts

 

Here's a list of the stuff I'm feeling but I want to change

 

Racing thoughts

Not relaxed

Fatigue

Lack of motivation

Slight Fear

 

Mainly it is that I'm so on edge that I can't focus anything

It like I'm so on edge that I am exhausting myself doing nothing at all

 

I don't know how to take it down a notch

Because I'm so anxious that I'm really sleepy

It's kind of a horrible catch 22.

I hope writing this down helps me,

 

My mind feels clear and ready

But it's like I don't know

I just can't seem to hold onto hope for more than a little bit at a time

[meoww]

My racing thoughts have improved. I feel sort of blank today but I think I need to dam up the flow of thoughts in my head until I can manage them appropriately. So I'm just going to stop thinking so much.

 

This will be a feat for me because I'm constantly worrying about the future, whether it's the next 15 minutes, hour, day, week, month or year. No wonder I can never relax. Writing this down makes me realize how my anxiety is perpetuated.

 

I think I developed this habit in order to protect myself from the next abusive act from my parents. To survive emotionally, I had to anticipate their next trigger and I had to keep myself at least slightly depressed at all times because it was too risky for me to be torn up emotionally every time they hurt me. I'm constantly in a state of emergency and it has really worn me down. I need to let go of that very ingrained pattern.

 

I had this realization that my thoughts are disorganized in addition to being distorted.

 

I worked very hard to get to the heart of my issues, be completely honest with myself, and confront the most painful reality of having no support network at all. In doing this, I let myself experience life and my emotions freely, without judgment, guilt or shame.

 

Now, I feel like I don't have anything else that needs to be let out or known to myself, although I wish I could explain it better to certain people I have to deal with in my life.

 

Visualizing slowing down my thoughts, it's a technique I learned from therapy.

 

Right now it feels artificial to slow down my thoughts so much. Behind the blankness I can feel my mind racing away. However, I want to be well more than anything. I think I can manage to face my fear of living in the present moment and just take it day by day.

 

My coping mechanisms are no longer enough.

 

Today I have to do these things.

 

1. Don't let myself think about the future, or even the next few hours

2. Breathe, constantly visualize slowing down and organizing my thoughts

3.Try to consciously replace negative thoughts with balanced thoughts

4. Stopping this flow of thoughts is really critical at this juncture.

5. Focus on myself. Ignore critical people who are not aware of what I'm going through.

6. Cut out all negativity in any form

7. Stop avoiding making decisions by weighing pros and cons to the point that you are just being self destructive.

8. Trust and act on my instincts

 

For tomorrow:

 

1. Get some exercise

2. Just continue to live and make decisions in the present

[meoww]

It's working. I'm slowly getting in the habit of trying to see the world the way I think a normal person sees the world. Each day it gets better but it is such a struggle to correct your own flaws when most of the time you don't even know what they are.

 

One thing I feel like I have to say though, is that I feel like I've realized I am pretty much the stupidest person I know. The more I look at the people around me, strangers or not, the more vibrant and full of life everyone seems to be. I wonder how they got to be like that!?

 

I've let go of most of the self destructive thoughts and behavior, and I actually don't think it is a terrible thing to feel so mystified by all this.

 

Thinking that I knew myself or the world was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life. So now I'm more cautious and more of a follower, and I feel infinitely happier.

 

Again, my distorted worldview can be traced to my childhood abuse but now that seems so far away.

The disgust I used to feel with my family is slowly fading to indfference.

 

The path I chose isn't one anyone who knew me in the past would have expected. Not even close. That really shows me how far I have come in bringing out the light in me rather than the darkness.

 

My whole life was lived in such darkness I never even knew what I was missing.

 

Every day that becomes clearer to me, just how abnormal my life and family are. It is so sad because there is so much I want to experience.

 

I am so happy that I'm not burdened by anymore painful, old fashioned ideas anymore. It is the greatest feeling to actually be free to be who I really want to be.

 

I don't ever want to be so serious again. I know I've said it before, but my astonishment at what I've beem through comes im waves.

 

I'm having another one of those moments.

[meoww]

I feel so at peace with myself at this moment. I just wonder if I am really going to get what I want after all this, or if my life is going to completelt unsatisying forever. I have so much to learn, by the time I figure out how to be normal it is going to be too late to enjoy being young!

 

I wonder why things are like this. Maybe i really am cursed....how else can explain my twisted, pathetic demon of a mother? She is literally the only person i know who is that creepy and pathetic. I really must deserve to have a mother like that. I am literally shunned by god. How can i ever be happy knowing

 

That is where i come from? I have slowly had to teach myself all the little details and nuances of a normal life....

That is like a full time job

I am so tired.....

I wish normalcy came naturally to me.

 

I love myself fundamentally now,

But i feel very left out

[meoww]

Still wondering

 

1. if the way I see myself is really the way i am

2. if privacy really exists, if my suffering can remain private

3. if we can take back things we regret

 

if i really am a good person, then I don't have any regrets, I don't have anything to take back, and I don't really care about my privacy. anything i have experienced is just part of life.

but if I am on unsteady ground, if my morality is in question, then I feel like I need to buy more time until I can be good enough.

 

I just don't get anything anymore...I don't know if anything I do is right, or if anything I think can be trusted.

The things I used to be so sure about, aren't so solid anymore.

I need something to hold onto to.

 

are there things you can never get back? like your innocence or your youth? how come I was never told anything about this. I don't know what to do anymore.

[meoww]

I need like a thread for my stupid thoughts on love

 

Now that would be fun.

[meoww]

When I was really young, I thought it was absolutely wrong to fantasize about other people if you were in a relationship. I internalized that so much that I didn't even have any desire to do it. The weird thing about emotions is how malleable they are. You can harm yourself in many ways believing the wrong things but you can still get yourself to believe them.

 

So then I thought, maybe the nature of human beings is to be poly amorous. But after that little experiment, I feel like giving into all my sexual desires at will isn't all that satisfying either. I never understood how guys functioned like that, always checking out women and masturbating a bunch of different people, but now I do. I don't even know. lol

 

I want to be the way that I'm "supposed" to be, not the way I've been taught to believe I should be, but I have no idea what to believe anymore.

 

My sexual desires seem to be really overpowering, but fleeting. It's like lust is so powerful that you trick yourself into thinking you are in love, but then in like a year or two, with every person it always fades without fail. Lately, even that has sped up by a factor of like a million. I feel lust and then it's gone, almost immediately.

 

So I'm wondering if I failed again....ugh why is everything I think and try always wrong!! I'm trying to be open minded but it always seems like being open minded leads to horrible things. Is convention so powerful because it's actually right? That is such an annoying thought.

[meoww]

Anyway, so that was my big experiment in love. It was the one thing I was terrified of, that maybe the only thing that is really real is lust and that people shouldn't ever get married and should just 'do' whoever they want. So far it really seems like the results are inconclusive.

 

My jealousy is becoming a lot easier to handle. Since I personally now know what it is like to lust and care for many people at the same time, I know it's not as big of a deal as I used to think it was. So that is a huge plus. But what if it comes back! what if it is all for nothing...right now, I'm just so cool with everything, letting everything wash over me, in such a natural way.

 

But I still feel territorial and possessive and jealous. It's hard to explain, I guess before I was so scared of being jealous that I mainly felt anger. Or I couldn't face the fact that I even felt that way so I tried to push it out my mind. Now it's like, oh here comes that feeling I don't like to feel, but I'm not scared of it anymore.

 

I know it's unreasonable to expect loyality when I'm not loyal myself.

 

But I feel like I've let myself down in some ways, like that maybe the reason why monogamy is special is that, next to yourself the only other sacred connection is to deeply love one other human being. There is some value in that, because it is rare. It's like the closest thing to loving yourself. That makes no sense, but I guess there is that aspect of privacy and the need for alone time without being completely alone. While I know I'm a social person, I also cherish the time I have to myself, and I think that's why one partner makes sense. You kind of get the best of both worlds. There really is a sense of joining and becoming one, especially with marriage over a lifetime.

 

but yeah that is kind of confusing. because the lust just doesn't seem to last. but there are people who make it last.

and then if two people agree to see other people, then it doesn't count as a betrayal right? I used to feel like things were more black and white.

Maybe I would now forgive someone for cheating on me if I really liked them. If you really love someone, you can't help but forgive them anyway.

It's the people you don't really want to be with that you want to push away. It's almost like a convenient excuse.

I haven't learned anything!!! because I haven't had enough experience with real love.

[meoww]

Maybe my ideal man would be the male cast of new girl in a hotter, more athletic guy's body. Fingers crossed...but on second thought, does that even exist

[meoww]

I was going to post in the write a letter to your 16 year old self thread but then I realized I don't think I want a lot of people to read what I write so I'm going to put it here.

 

Dear 16 year old Meoww,

 

I respect you for being so surprisingly content, despite how hard things can be sometimes. You always get so excited for each day, and you just love being around other people. Thank you for making so many different kinds of friends and acquaintances. You are adventurous, weird and kind of awkward, but it's definitely not boring being you despite all of the dumb mistakes you make.

 

I'm glad that you don't let the sexual mores of your community influence your decisions about your sex life. You deserve to do what you want with your body. Just own it a little more! It's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Enjoy your inexperience, and the freshness of your experiences, even if your high school isn't very ideal for you. Did you know that you don't even have to live there if you really don't want? You have more rights than you think, and when you turn 18, the world is your oyster. That is so exciting, isn't it? 2 years is nothing, love! You don't have to be so stressed out and worried all the time, the obstacles facing you are not insurmountable.

 

Things are changing so fast, and you're not the only who desires radical change. Don't try so hard to be content with what's being offered in your own community, because there is so much more out there. All those secret desires aren't going to go away. You are quite mature, and you know how to take care of yourself. Don't let your age or expectations for teenagers hold you back. That is probably the most important thing I could ever say to you. No matter your age, what you think and feel matters, even if you can't foresee the future and where it will lead.

 

Always be prepared for the future, and be strong enough to make it through alone, no matter how young you are. This isn't because you are being punished for being a bad person in a past life or something, it is because you deserve to be happy. Don't suffer in the name of justice, the real justice is making your own dreams come true no matter what the obstacles are.

 

Don't settle, especially in love. If you think you have to improve yourself to better your odds, then just do it.

 

You know what you want, don't be afraid of it, because in a couple of years, what you want is going to be considered very normal by a lot of people.

 

Don't be afraid to be a little inconsistent when it comes to your identity. In the future, we are all going to be so many different things at once, if that's what we desire.

 

Don't give all your love and time to family members who disrespect, violate and hurt you constantly. Don't give your love and time to anyone who does that.

 

Listen to yourself, even if your true voice is barely even a whisper. In time that weak whisper will grow into something much stronger.

 

Life is much more beautiful than you think. Don't be afraid that, someday, even you might be worth being happy. Everyone deserves that. Try to love everyone, even the people you hate.

 

Someday you are really going to surprise yourself by being interested in a lot of things you thought were stupid, like summer, beaches, ice cream, pretty clothes, pop music, and a lot of the fun things you denied yourself because you thought you weren't allowed to experience them. You can be anything you want, from an airhead to an intellectual, people aren't just one thing, you don't have to vacillate from one extreme to another. That's what everybody does, they are a mix of many different qualities and so are you.

 

If you really enjoy things to the fullest, and have an identity separate from that of a child abuse victim, even you can overcome the horrible things you had to experience. Don't let your parents histrionics get you down. Surprisingly, you actually know better than them.

 

I think that if we could have sat down and talked for a little while, that maybe I could have changed things for you in a big way. That's why I'm writing to you now. You are so special. Everyone is special, but so are you. Don't be so afraid to be an individual, like in the sense that you take up space. Yes, you have an independent consciousness, and you exist. That is not the worst thing in the entire world.

 

I wish we could have talked so that you could have been able to cope better with everything going on.

 

But now, you are an adult and the amazing thing is that it doesn't really matter all the much even if it would have been better if you had known some of these things.

 

We made it and I think that's enough! So I honestly don't care that much that you had sex with a lot of guys that I kind of wish you didn't have sex with, or that you thought a lot lame stuff was cool, listened to lame music and didn't know any better. It's over thank god.

 

But it's sometimes nice to think back on that time in a way!!! So, it was mostly horrible but it was kind of interesting. And I love you!!! xoxoxoxo but seriously, thank god it's over.

[meoww]

Wow I've gotten in the habit of just saying what I personally think and thinking it is the truth.

 

Need to remember that's not always the case

 

That's why I get confused sometimes when around certain people I feel comfortable being honest around call me blunt. I'm like, I thought I was just saying what everyone else was already thinking, when that could be totally wrong ha. Obliviousness

[meoww]

A line from the Carrie Diaries (now I have to admit to watching all of season 1) is making me think. When Walt comes out as gay, Bennett says, not only do you have to create a new future for yourself, but you have to create a new past too. As a now self identified abuse survivor, I wonder if the same applies to me.

 

I don't really keep in contact with the people from high school. I miss them so much sometimes, and wonder what they are doing. But then I remember how badly I felt they treated me. I felt like they were very self absorbed, to the point that they had no room in their hearts to care even remotely about the danger I was in, and how alone I was, as young person with no rights, no family I could trust, basically completely vulnerable. How could they fail to support me, and post their pet causes on their facebooks, instagrams, and tumblrs?

 

so they support equality in marriage, but a lot them acted like I was inferior because of the kind of family I came from. I guess it makes sense, they are all for equality for people who have similar backgrounds to them.

 

yeah I'm just going to get mad thinking about this.

 

But then I think, if we weren't divided like that, like as normal people and abuse survivors, then I think I could be friends with them. I wonder if things would have been better if I never told them what was going on at home.

 

I just thinking being a person with no past is such a tragedy. BOO I don't want to be depressed or sad about this anymore.

 

It wasn't under my control.

Yet part of me just wonders if maybe I was just always a hanger on, and that no one ever really loved me or loves me.

 

I wish I wasn't so bothered by this.

[meoww]

I guess a lot of what I'm worrying about could be solved by opening up to my childhood friends and seeing if that rekindles our friendships. But it just seems overly dramatic. I am so damn sick of drama and I don't want to burden anyone ever again even if it's just telling the story of my parent's twisted drama. I just don't want to give that any more screen time.

 

I guess I'm okay with missing them. They didn't do such a great job of reaching out to me now or then. I guess we are kind of out each other's lives now.

I feel kind of guilty, like it wasn't really necessary to fade out their lives like that.

It could have been cool knowing them when we're old.

 

But yeah I definitely need to stop dwelling on all the what ifs. I have had enough and it's just not something that I can really change.

We'll see what happens in the future.

[meoww]

Okay I still feel upset about that remark from that Gibson guy on this site. For one, if you have an issue with my post, then address me directly! It is so dismissive and just plain rude to act like, eye roll, don't listen to Meoww like I'm not even part of the conversation less than five minutes after I make a post. That kind of stuff really gets to me, because the other person can just be like, oh you're overreacting when they full well know they tried to push your buttons. If you can take the time to post how wrong you think I am, then 1.) be polite and aware of how things can be taken in an online forum 2.) be respectful enough to address someone directly instead of side eyeing them.

 

I've only gotten upset on ENA one other time, and both times I have wondered, why does it bother me so much?

 

I think it was just because I had this picture in my head of some douche bag guy shaking his head like, who does this girl think she is, a sex goddess or something? Let me put her in her place because I know the true meaning of sex

 

But obviously it might not have gone down like that

Just ugh

So I know I'm probably overreacting but that kind of stuff is sooooo annoying

Those smug one sentence brush offs, made by narrow minded people who think they know who you are from one post. (Lol pot calling kettle)

[meoww]

Last night I had the best sex of my life.

 

But in was all in a dream. hahahaha. I'm not even kidding. I woke up in the middle of night (I think, I don't even remember, maybe waking up was part of the dream too) That was maybe the most vivid dream I have ever had in my life. I was so overstimulated that I just laid in bed wondering what had just happened. I don't even know if I orgasmed or not. The whole experience was that intense. The funniest part is that I swear the guy I was having sex with looked like Dave Chapelle, who I'm totally unfamiliar with but it was the first reference that popped into my mind. He was so smooth and confident until he was about to finish, and then he got really shy for some reason and lost his erection. But I swear it was the best sex of my life up until that point. God I feel like such a weirdo. I woke up thinking wow, I have never (blanked) a black guy, have I? and I was really desperate for a second. Like the world is a buffet of amazing sexual experiences.

 

Then I also had a dream that a bunch of people from work rearranged but put my old furniture back in my bedroom, and gave me a bunch of presents. In the dream I was so surprised, like is it my birthday? is it a special day that I've forgotten about? and I had this weird, detached but warm feeling, like oh, maybe they like me more than I realized. I felt loved, in the way that you'd feel loved by people just because they are also human in the same boat as you.

 

Weirdness....

[meoww]

Maturity is so tenuous, it's so dependent on the random experiences you end up having in your life.

 

Each year I look back thinking, I'm so glad everything happened the way it did because it made me who I am right now.

 

Does this never end?

 

I would love to not change for a change!

[meoww]

Drama and heartache isn't sexy

Was there ever a time when I thought it was?

 

Sadly, I think on some level clueless me did believe that. I think I thought it was deep or exciting or something. I've changed so much.

 

I can't imagine being a grown adult who still lives in a fantasy world where everything revolves around their funny little fantasies and fleeting or misplaced needs. Yet, I'm surrounded by people who are probably like that. Hell, that is all life seems to really be in the absence of the pursuit of knowledge.

[meoww]

It's hard to have dreams when you fundamentally feel like those dreams are so completely meaningless

[meoww]

I love acting and pretending to be someone else, trying to understand what it is like to be a completely different person. Not to mention it's a great distraction.

[meoww]

Not to be an airhead and mention the Carrie Diaries again, but I've been thinking another line from Bennett, about how when he told his best friend he was gay, his friend became so upset that he lied to him for so long and hid his true sexuality from him, and their friendship ended. Almost like a convenient excuse to avoid any association with unacceptable people.

 

Sometimes people, privileged people, people with power, they don't know how much it hurts when they say stuff like that and how much more it hurts when they use lies and excuses to justify their intolerance of people who experiences fall outside the mean.

 

The whole experience can be so disorienting, it makes you feel you really are in the wrong.

 

Like maybe I am really one of those manipulative fake victims. That's why I wrote all of my experiences down though. Despite how subjective our perception is, I don't think there is anyway I can deprive myself of the knowledge that I really am a child abuse survivor.

 

I wonder how anyone forgives anything.

[meoww]

There have been times when I found it easier to forgive my abuser, rather the ones who turned a blind eye. If they are supposedly the good ones, then good isn't good anymore.

 

Obviously abusers fall into that bad category, and for that it's hard not to pity them and wish they could be cured.

 

Isn't this obvious? And yet people harbor so much hate. And I do sometimes too.

 

If abused people were always believed, it wouldn't really be possible to hurt them that much. Abusers have the greatest power when they chose their victims carefully and carry out the abuse in a way that is private.

[meoww]

I want to view more people with compassion. If I can view my abuser with compassion than I can forgive others who hurt me, and reinforced the cycle of abuse when I was an innocent child. I want to stop being hung up on their own selfishness and self absorption, not doing their part to stop the abuse.

 

I think I'm starting to know what kind of person I want to be. I want to break free of all of these cycles of violence and pain. That includes the cycle of violence inflicted on me by people who turned the other cheek.

 

If I hadn't picked myself off the floor I never would have healed and I would have felt destroyed forever, or possibly ended up dead. I'm really glad I finally learned to stand up for myself.

 

At this point I don't think it is possible for anyone to make me feel bad about myself. At my core, I feel completely unshakable. No one can destabilize me.

 

How did this happen? In a matter of 3 months!!! It is so unbelievable. What a miracle.

 

I have to have compassion for every living thing. I really believe it is the only way to do my part to create a more peaceful, understanding society.

 

Letting go of my resentment and shock is about setting myself free