My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

What I realize now, that I really didn't realize earlier, is that I'm really just beginning my self discovery. I thought I could just spend a year or two in self discovery mode and figure out exactly what i wanted from life.

 

But even the best of intentions are no substitute for real experience.

Since I had very abusive parents I am very impaired in many ways. Figuring out who you are can't really occur until you've had decades to live for yourself and develop independent thought.

 

I am cool with this though because I don't have any other choice.

 

The reason I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions-- interest and identity wise, is because I didn't have the normal childhood experience of developing your identity through 12 plus years of school, for example, where you are free to focus on yourself and there are supposed to be less demands on your time and less responsibility. Obviously I can't replicate that in even the most intensive 2 or 3 year healing process.

 

All I can do is explore different parts of myself until I start to find things that really stick or evolve over time.

 

I think this is where I am at now. This is pretty unfortunate but manageable.

 

In order for me to start seeing the big picture, I'm going to have to be patient and take things piece by piece.

 

I'm on the right track now, finally, I just have to realize its going to come together more slowly than I thought. The journey, not the destination, like the old saying says.

[meoww]

I used to think everyone was nice, but now I think I'm overly cautious and suspicious of people...

 

I think I should just enjoy people's company for what it is worth, to some extent.

[meoww]

I want to say this somewhere, someone made a little jab at my tendency to be melodramatic on this website, which I thought was kind of hurtful.

 

I like using this site because it's anonymous and such an incredibly safe space for me to just let it all out. It's only because of this site that I'm beginning to feel emotionally healthy. I'm learning how to communicate with people better too, but it's not like my responses are always going to be well crafted or perfect, especially when an issue really speaks to me and I'm typing out a quick response.

 

And i have to admit me part of me is defiantly thinking...

ummm...life is melodramatic. There are wars happening as we speak, people being raped, babies being born, people lying and cheating, people dying, and if that's not dramatic then I don't know what is...

 

I am totally okay with the melodrama, it is what it is. Denying that is just lying to oneself and to others I think.

 

So grrr. But hey, it's not the first time I've heard all this before. Which is why I have my journal for venting!

[meoww]

Best quote evah

 

Women think the entire world cares what they do.

Really only your mom and best friend care

 

And one of them is hoping you fail miserably

 

 

 

I'm getting better and better at not putting my trust into toxic people

But still failing at finding the good ones

[meoww]

This is also gold:

 

You can't win an argument by being right.

 

 

I'm hoping that keeping that quote in here will remind me that how you present your opinion is often just as important as the actual opinion.

 

Being over eager, obnoxious or smug isn't effective, nor does it help to be the rational, calm, ever compromising one if people just see you as weak.

 

I guess it's comparable to

 

Pick your battles

 

But for me I prefer to see things the first way because it's more uplifting to consider why we can't win all our battles. Convincing someone who disagrees with you on something is one of the most difficult things to do.

 

For example, this week I was able to get a clear picture of the bugs that were devoring a tree in my office for about a month now. Until that point, one person I work with was like totally convinced I was fabricating this story or something. Even though that's totally weird and I'd have no reason to lie. I barely broached the subject because it was a source of silent frustration to me that she was stonewalling me for no apparent reason. And of course, after I showed her the pic, did she apologize or at least crack a joke about the fact that she was wrong this entire time? Not at all. She just acted like she had never even said it in the first place. That tree probably would have died unless I had treated it, and I don't even know anything about plants.

 

I wish was more of a smooth talker (actually, I don't, but it seems like in certain circles it is better to follow the herd than have an opinion, however non threatening) I want to learn how to be more convincing without fooling myself as well.

[meoww]

That quote also extends to giving and receiving advice, just because you give good advice doesn't mean someone is going to follow it. If you really want to help someone, you have to say it in a way that they can relate to and understand. It doesn't really matter how right you might about something.

 

When it comes to receiving advice from others or not taking my own I also need to accept that sometimes I fail to do what's in my best interest. Since I haven't been beating myself up for not living up to the to do lists in my head, I've recently been starting to feel so much less exhausted. I don't feeling I'm strangled by all these obligations and perceived failures. It makes it a lot easier not to get addicted to self destructive patterns when I am not stressed in this way.

[meoww]

Now I'm obsessing over unsourced but awesome Churchill quotes,

 

Like

History will be kind to me because I intend to write it

 

Or

The Americans will always do the right thing, after they've exhausted all the alternatives

 

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth gets a chance to put its pants on

 

The one about how running away from danger doubles danger, but meeting it without hesitation cuts the danger in half

 

That's the best one for me right now.

But here are a couple more that I liked

 

If you're going through hell, keep going

 

Character may be manifested in the big moments, but it's made in the small ones

 

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off like nothing has happened

[meoww]

I finally put into words what is so disturbing about being at the mercy of people who don't love or care about you. It's because anything good that they give you, is given kind of like on their whim. You never know when everything is going to be taken away, and you live with the constant threat and knowledge that peace can't last, and that you have no control over your world falling apart.

 

No wonder I was so scared of becoming self aware of my abusive parents. If I shared their psychosis, I at least could share the same language as them, and I could feel whatever scraps of what I could pretend was love being thrown my way. That makes so much more sense. Get out of their mindset, especially as a teen, dependent on them, and nothing would be certain. Maybe they wouldn't have fed me, clothed me, or let me do anything at all if they knew that deep down I was not being controlled by them no matter how much I tried to pretend that I was their slave.

[meoww]

I think I've pinpointed the time when it would have been most important to have become aware of the fact that I was being abused.

 

It was when I was 13ish, right about the time I was developing an adult body and brain. I was an early bloomer and I got my period at eleven or so, but I really started to mature mentally right about the time I finished middle school.

 

I know it's too late, but I try to go back, in my head and explain to that girl so that she never would have had to go through what I went through as an adult.

 

I tell her that she isn't safe, ever, and that as hard as it is, I need her to not rely on her parent's money, to save for college immediately.

 

If I would have started saving for college at 13, between my own savings, scholarships, loans and grants, I could have quite easily paid for an education locally, or maybe even gone to a private school.

 

I tell her that she can have everything she wants, as long as she is silent. As long as she stops needing their love that they have never given her. That she may not be able to change her family or the past, but that she can write her own future.

 

She would have been very naive but sometimes it's good to be naive, rather than afraid of the unknown. Back then, I still wasn't as afraid and not even as angry at my parents as I am now. If only someone trustworthy, dignified, and caring had known me at that point.

 

I've never met anyone willing to reach out in that way, so I try to be that person for other people, in my own way. But I can't help others as well as I know can until I am more healed, until this healing process is a distant memory.

 

But it helps, realizing just how young I would have needed to be to not have been as affected by the abuse inflicted upon me.

 

By 18, I was already in the position I am in today and aware of how hard it would be for me to feel normal. It would have been kind of a similar process, healing from the stunted development and feelings of loss.

 

I woke up a bit panicked today, that it was too late. But now, I have been able to think through this a bit more.

[meoww]

Sometimes we filter out the toxic thoughts that toxic people express about us but other sentiments pass through our filter and diffuse into our identities,

 

It makes me wonder why we aren't smart enough to realize that nothing they say is trustworthy, nothing at all.

[meoww]

Choices really do mean so much, and lead to so many different paths.

[meoww]

I think almost any difficult problem can be dealt with, if not overcome, with the realization that time and patience will give us previously unforeseen perspective.

 

So it's like I'm no longer consumed by the fear that either my life is meaningless, or that immoral actions are often rewarded, that most social customs in any country make absolutely no sense and the fact that people literally live in fear and are self imprisoned by these imaginary rules.

 

It's hard living with these contradictions when the solution seems like it's just an honest conversation away. Yet, it took forever just to deal with stuff like slavery, and those fighting against it must have wanted to shout from every rooftop just how wrong it was and how disgusted they were with their neighbors or even their loved ones. There were slaves who internalized the rhetoric and were comfortable with their position, anything can be rationalized with fear, hatred and a healthy dose of peer pressure.

 

That's why I have be very careful about how I present myself to the world.

 

Right now, I can't trust anyone. Even people who would benefit from certain aspects of my perspective won't necessarily embrace me or my ideas.

[meoww]

Well that was helpful, yet again. I am just so naive about so many things it boggles the mind. I can't just say what I think and expect other people to like it, let alone take it seriously.

 

My next goal in working on my communication with other people, is to get along with all people, without being taken advantage of. And to confront random rude strangers in a nicer way lol

 

There was this old guy on the train who yelled at me as i was passing, and I realized it, turned around, looked him straight in the eye and said loudly, excuse me, please don't talk to me like that, and kept my eye contact until the train drove away.

 

It was amazing, and i felt pretty classy but powerful but like a little bit over the top. I just can't stand old misogynists, especially old men. But I need to react, not to show how pissed off I am, but to show that I'm a strong woman and deserve respect.

 

So in my life I want to remember:

 

Just because someone shares my interests, doesn't mean they are necessarily like me in other ways, especially the way I think

 

Just because someone is different from me, doesn't mean we don't share common ground.

 

It's not about expressing the unfairness or the anger, but getting respect and what I want

 

I just can't win sometimes

 

I need always show that I'm confident

 

I need to be even more careful about who I trust

 

I need to follow social conventions with most people

[meoww]

It's amazing how clearing up a communication issue with someone can change your life for the better. When I'm having problems with someone, I look at things so much more negatively.

The less hostility I feel between me and certain others, the more I feel like life is worth living!!

 

I feel so bright and hopeful, even though I'm holding onto a realistic outlook on things.

 

That was another watershed moment in my emotional development.

 

I feel safe knowing that I can communicate with others that might have a different view than me, without having it blow up in my face or having the other person become defensive and angry.

 

My life is finally resuming an ascent, I can really feel it. I feel so grateful, more than I can put into words. I feel like I have healed a part of myself that was very sick.

 

I hate having to admit to myself that I have to try and get along with everyone, even if it is hard sometimes and sometimes I have to overcome my major flaws in order to communicate with someone.

 

But when things are good between me and others, they just keep getting better. The more understanding I am of them, the more they are willing to understand me and overlook it when I do something wrong.

 

This post is not about my abusive mother, it's about a friend.

[meoww]

Another thing that event made me realize was that I'm not obligated to convince anyone of anything. At the end of the day, my views are my views and other people's views are their views.

 

Thanks to emotional incest and abusr in my family I think never realized this at all, and that is why I feel so unstable and freaked out when people disagree with me. If I disagreed with anyone in my family, my whole world would be torn apart. I wasn't allowed to have any of my own thoughts or opinions.

 

Now I'm totally starting to understand what I underlies my hostility to other people and why I choose friends who keep me in situations similar to what I experienced at home.

 

If one friend doesn't agree with me, there are still so many others who will share my views. I don't need to get stuck on the ones that constantly make me feel like I have to walk on eggshells around certain issues or aren't listening to me.

 

I really hope everything is going to be okay!! And that even my enemies and everything in between find peace. I hope I have the courage to admit when I am wrong and the courage to reach out to those who seek out dysfunctional dynamics with me. I am not going to devote my life to people who hurt me, but I do want to be a person with integrity.

[meoww]

And another thing, sometimes I'm afraid to show the best parts of myself to people who i feel compete with me and try to outdo me, by using me for my talents or insights. but in some ways, it doesn't make sense to withhold information from anyone, because in an ideal world, everything is as it should be, and everything would all even out to the level it should be at. I need to protect myself from predatory or untrustworthy people but I also need to realize that they will evolve on their own eventually anyway. I can't just wish my competition away. Even if they are unpleasant and calculating, I just have to deal with it somehow.

 

I think I can handle them as long as they are not part of my inner circle.

 

This is kind of complicated, especially when they show me their good side. But I really need to not be manipulated!! I just keep thinking that some people are way nicer than they actually are.

 

Okay maybe I haven't figured this out at all....

[meoww]

I still feel so relieved though. Now that I have a functional relationship with that friend, I feel so much less guilty and sad. I think I can make it no matter how hard all of this has been!

 

I just want things to be good for once. I want to not have to work so hard to survive. I just want to feel like I'm living again.

[meoww]

I think I try to turn certain small talk/ light friendships into something more and end up in dysfunctional friendships seeing sides of those people I never want to see. Today I'm genuinely lonely. I'm trying to slowly fade cold or incaring people or friendships out of my life. The reason I'm doing this is that I tend not to expand my social circle when I'm focusing my time and energy on people who don't treat me well. It just turns into a cycle of more loneliness for me and I just can't stand it anymore. I think this is actually the beginning of something really cool.

 

I have more time to work on making new friends who might come to actually care about me.

 

It would be easier if I felt like I had someone who was both genuinely happy and kind in my life. Since I don't, and since I don't trust anyone right now, I just feel kind of hopeless.

 

My aquaintances are great, I feel like I have fulfilling light conversations and stuff like that. But I feel uncomfortable feeling like everyone I know has such an agenda and just doesn't really care about me in the end.

 

I need at least one real friend, and I don't have that. It is partly my fault because I sought out people based on how they fulfilled a fantasy in my head rather than how they really are.

 

I appreciate all people for what they're worth, but I just want to be on the same emotional wavelength as someone for once. I'm just tired of it.

 

I know friendship isn't purely altruistic. Unconditional love is pretty rare, even in families. I feel like in my life, I'm usually the one who has to compromise for other people, not the other way around.

 

I'm calm, confident, and content, but I'm also so incredibly alone. This is a step up from being insecure and lonely, but I wish I liked more people. I wish I could belong somewhere, because right I always feel like I'm pretending depending on the role I feel like I'm supposed to be playing. I just wish more people would like me for who I really am instead of picking and choosing what they like about me.

 

So here's to better decision making and maintaining healthy boundaries!!

[meoww]

I should change the title of this thread to the depressing random thoughts journal since all I do is complain and worry in here.

 

But I read a funny line about how west coast food culture is pedantic and it made me laugh!! Cause it's so true

 

I'm starting to notice a lot of good things and good people. I'm starting to see that I can choose different things and that I was really limiting myself to a really specific group of people who can be downers. So I let go of my friend emotionally and my brain basically exploded. I'm not afraid of anything or anyone anymore. I realized that I tend to get close to people who want to control me because they are unhappy with their lives, and that I don't need to feel guilty for not wanting to be exactly how they want me to be! I'm not responsible for them, and I don't need to change myself for them just because they can't handle who I am. I don't need to take it personally, and I don't have to feel sorry for them or try to make their lives better.

 

I was naive, again in a way, thinking that my friend would mature just because I started sorting through my issues and growing up. I don't have to feel like I'm a terrible person for not being able to relate to her, I've given her so many chances to communicate freely with me, without judgement but she is so defensive.

 

I don't even know to tip toe around all her emotional issues without setting off a land mine. Like I swear I can't even say I like a certain kind of food or restaurant without her freaking out that I'm some kind of poseur or wannabe. How lame. I didn't realize that this was bullying behavior because she is so quiet.

 

Maybe she doesn't even know how her behavior affects me and how negative I find it.

 

I've made similar mistakes with one friend too. Only that time, I was the one who was in the wrong. But hey, I hope I learned something from that. I've learned not to be so judgemental because sometimes:

 

I'm ignorant, it's inevitable

I'm insecure, this blinds me from seeing the truth

I'm afraid

I'm lazy, too lazy to work out the nuances

 

So it's been a long while since I've been my old critical, jaded, insecure self.

[meoww]

I feel like I woke up from a dream into another dream, but in a good way.

[meoww]

My current medical condition, i guess i could call it, is basically a chastity belt. I guess its saving me from making reckless decisions, but ahhh

Im getting pretty tired of this. I keep putting off the most stand offish vibes. I cant wait until this issue is resolved...

[meoww]

I definitely have a type. I pretty much only feel attracted to guys with brown hair and brown eyes, or black hair and brown eyes. I know exactly what I'm looking for.

[meoww]

I feel even more calm than before! What's going on here? I don't feel like an emotional wreck all the time, even if I haven't cut my mother off yet. I'm finally free of her obsession and free of loving her. It's so weird to finally be an individual, separate from her. If she wants to continue to wear me down, or play games from a one sided perspective, I'm not even going to worry about it. I don't think I am even capable of feeling anything but numb toward her anymore.

[meoww]

In my calmness I realized a few more things, about how I was denying myself the right to be who I want to be. Untangling this has more and more layers as I go on.

 

Seeing new things and having new experiences recently definitely helped me realize that.

[meoww]

I don't cry as much as I used to. I can't believe how much I have cried in my life.

 

I almost never cry now, I used to think it was because I died inside and stopped being able to feel but I think it's more than that. I think I'm finally healing and feeling less emotionally raw.

 

It's so much easier to live life with so many dramatic interruptions. To think, if I wouldn't have stopped talking to my mother and stopped letting her in, I never would have accomplished this.