My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

paradox of abuse--when you no longer desperately need the help of others, they suddenly seem to believe you more, you suddenly seem to know how to ask for help in a non threatening way

 

i guess its not so surprising.

1.) when you are in victim mode--you have a fundamentally negative mindset, you often interpret the concern of others as blame, or rejection/abjection. Which just feeds the cycle of victimhood. The worst thing a victim can do is believe they are the ones to blame.

 

2.)when you're in victim mode--you project a sense of insecurity--which others feed on, even if some of them dont necesssarily mean to be so harmful

 

3.) yeah everything just sucks when you're like that.

[meoww]

did some house chores, feeling good.

[meoww]

My body is so annoyingly sensitive.

 

These are the things that zap my energy:

 

dirty places, messy spaces, not showering, not liking what I'm wearing, weather that's too hot, cold weather if heating is insufficient,

 

caffeine, sugar, (lately) even salt!, not getting enough sleep, sleeping at the wrong hours (although I can get to sleep just about anywhere in any position), overly processed food, carbs

 

but then I need carbs because if I just try to live off protein and veg I basically never get full. But I don't feel very good after eating carbs at all. I can handle rice sometimes, but bread, forget about it.

 

 

 

 

mentally:

 

talking to people who have brought me great pain in the past, even if it is just like a 30 second phone call! so frustrating, I have to tell telling myself not to get all depressed afterward and start feeling lonely and sad all over again.

[meoww]

I'm noticing how music really affects my mood.

 

So I'm kind of trying to avoid a lot of indie music because I think it aids depression and apathy. I don't think it necessarily makes you depressed or apathetic, I just think it should be handled with care lol if in the hands of a depressed person.

 

Instead, I've been listening to a lot of pop/soul/r&b kind of stuff. It just makes me feel like I'm part of something fun, and inclusive. That's another thing about indie stuff, I associate it with racism and unnecessary pretension. I just don't have the energy for that anymore--especially when I feel the zeitgeist shifting away from that. I am more than happy to move on to a better paradigm.

 

The weird thing is that aggressive hip hop doesn't make me feel like I want to get in a fight or something. Listening to asap rocky doesn't get me down about women either, I just think it's fun. which is kind of a problem I guess, but hey I'm just going to go with it now.

[meoww]

why is it that famous musicians are often so good at doing impressions? i guess because a lot of them, especially the pop ones, are performers at heart rather than what we traditionally call artists. I wish i could do impressions it looks like so much fun.

[meoww]

I have no concept of anything beyond good and evil. I just can't wrap my head around it. I am being so cheesy today but I am kind of addicted to the balance of things in life. I can't appreciate anything good without the bad. If I just go with it, it's fine. I know how to maximize a lot of the good feelings. but somewhere lurking underneath is this fear that that isn't enough.

 

I want to know the truth beyond that. because I enjoy life doesn't mean that can't want more right?

 

Otherwise, you just want to keep on living. There is nothing better than whatever you are experiencing in the moment. but since that's not possible, I feel like I'm supposed to figure something out. but I guess since I don't know what it is...

 

when I shouldn't get so frustrated about it.

 

yeah that's true, I have no idea why I'm alive, why I feel these irrational and contradictory emotions. I guess that's what most people do.

[meoww]

I never used to understand when people would admit freely that they didn't think they were that good of people.

I had a couple of exes like that...in particular, that I'm thinking of. bleh

 

but I guess I get it now. When you like yourself, you're honest, and you don't really believe in god or eternal punishment, what's the incentive to be good?

Yeah it's no big deal.

 

There were certain things I used to think you could never be wrong about, or never let go of I guess.

like saving the earth and stuff like that

but it's easy to believe that all that matters is getting what you want.

 

I know that I'm really not that way but it kind of makes sense. I just couldn't carry it out completely.

[meoww]

yeah I really used to give people too much credit, as if their motives were so complicated I could never possibly understand. but a lot of is really not that hard to comprehend.

 

I am not naive anymore, am I? I don't desperately cling onto to what I wish was real.

[meoww]

people really do have like a sixth sense in a way. people can be, at times, really good at making inferences about collective desires, and stuff like that. obviously, a lot of things are communicated non verbally and visual cues can say a lot but,

 

I feel like people so often change together...you see that in families sometimes for example. One person gets successful and other siblings don't want to fall behind so suddenly a generation has moved upward. It's like not only do people often want the same things, they just know what you're thinking or what you're going through.

 

and depending on the filter, things can be viewed very differently and produce very different outcomes.

[meoww]

getting down to the last remaining things I want to empty out of my head for the day.

 

like, how much control do I have over my destiny? I'm slowly making what I want to be true, become true but I wonder if my own power over that will fade in time. If this only temporary, because I'm still young, and to some extent I have power because of that. I wonder how it feels to not have any power at all.

Are there really people who don't have that at all? am I one of those people?

See this the road that I don't want to go down....

 

because this kind of negativity does become a self fulfilling prophecy. It's just paranoia.

 

I just hate how I can't think about certain things because it will lead to me making bad decisions that I later regret. That is how little control I have over my own negativity. It scares me so much that it affects everything I do. I don't want to be so weak.

[meoww]

hmm I don't want to be weak person, because that's not ideal, optimal.

[meoww]

I just cracked my back in the most amazing way.

[meoww]

I think I really should wear sunscreen indoors, because the light seems really strong. I feel like I wasted all that time protecting myself outdoors when I haven't been very careful about sun damage I get from using the computer in front of a big window, and sitting on the sofa by a window

[meoww]

i still have unfinished ahhh business with HIM. but I guess that is because I think he has matured enough now that he probably understands how ridiculous is behavior toward me was. Was I ever immature/not self aware enough to fall for that? guess I was.

 

everything else from the past has fallen away except for him. Now it's not so much that I want to prove him wrong and show him just how awesome I am and what he had given up for no reason at all really. I don't feel rubbing it in his face or anything anymore but it's I'm trying to figure what my deal is because I'm getting tired of all this old **** coming up in my life all the time.

[meoww]

What would it be like to meet him for an hour or something? We could get pizza or coffee or falafel or something.

 

Then talk about what we're doing now. I don't have anything to say to him about the past anymore. I now know, or feel like, there is really no point in trying to change people so overtly. Almost all people resist change and the only way usually to get them to do it is by convincing them that it was their idea, or that they'll get something they want if they change. That's how I change, I realize, hey, I'm not going to get what I want so I better either change my mindset so that I can be happy, or stay the same way and be miserable and not learn anything from it.

 

I used to feel like I'd feel guilty if he ever missed me or wanted me back, because I so obviously don't want him back. I don't know how I feel about that anymore.

 

I don't have to have second hand embarrassment for him. He should just feel what he feels and then it'll be easy to get over it. Maybe he already did that. I don't know either way or why I want to know.

 

But I guess it's not that embarrassing for him to be rejected by me. Everybody gets rejected and there really are so many other people to be with.

[meoww]

That's what I screwed up isn't it? I should have realized that everything he was feeling, even if he was the guilty one, was fine. It's not embarrassing to be temporarily pined over after being dumped in such a duplicitous, humiliating way. I mean, even if he didn't consciously recognize that he was dumping me and trying to make me feel as badly as possible about it, he knew.

 

We all know what we're doing even if we don't like or can't control what we're doing. That weird disconnection gets so much worse when were not direct with ourselves and when we carry shame and guilt and fear and insecurity.

 

So yeah he dumped me. He thought I wasn't good enough for him and he told me that in a lot of ways, quite directly. I was so embarrassed that he had such a low opinion of me.

 

But that really was no big deal wasn't it?

[meoww]

I think we now both realize that we judged ourselves and other people WAY too harshly. I guess he learned that from his obviously insane family and me from mine.

He said he was embarrassed about the whole thing too.

 

but I was soooo ****ing pissed. WHY? I don't know why I was so mad. If he was such a loser with such little empathy for me being a child abuse survivor, then I why did I waste any time on him at all? He obviously wasn't worth it for me, personally, even if he wasn't the worst guy in the entire world.

 

I just saw things way too black and white. That was seriously absurd.

[meoww]

I guess that's what forgiveness looks like, eh?

 

It's partly about being released from the tendency to see things in black and white.

[meoww]

Now that I'm starting to understand what it feels like to forgive people even if they don't deserve it at all, I feel part of my old self returning to me. like, hey, you know you weren't all bad, there were good things about you before all of this happened. you're just way too damn sensitive. but that is you. you could try to change it, but if you try too hard, it's not going to work. change for you usually creeps up on you until you realize, wow, I'm not who I used to be.

[meoww]

I guess it's like I'm finally getting closure from feeling all of the multitude of emotions I felt about him. like, knowing we'll very likely never talk again, knowing I'm not sexually attracted to him, knowing I'm not in love with him, I don't worship him anymore, I don't think he's the only guy for me, but I still think about him so much,

 

or not really, but enough that I wonder why because nobody would approve of that? They would be like, he's not even worth your thought, like they always said...

[meoww]

You know as much as he acted like I was an embarrassment to him

 

He really was an embarrassment to ME.

That's part of what I'm dealing with.

 

Why did he act so insecure all the time and project it all out on to me, especially when he said he loved how I was so easy going?

[meoww]

That was unfair, and he took away that part of me that I really liked. I really liked how easily I'm satisfied with things and I'm not neurotic about dumb stuff that doesn't matter lol.

[meoww]

So let me take a look at the relationship from my perspective for a change.

 

I didn't like how he acted like he had a little short man complex. like he had to compensate for something.

 

he wasn't very good at socializing with people who didn't have the same exact background as him, yet he thought he was so worldly and sophisticated or something. UGH gross

 

he was just annoying a lot of the time

 

his way of being kinky is just not cool, just not hot lol haha omg its so true

 

 

I did like how he was fun and had lots of energy

 

and then he had the nerve to tell me I fundamentally couldnt keep up with his energy level when he knew I was in the midst of depression **** that guy

[meoww]

I think I tried to be accepting of his flaws when I hadn't really thought of them as flaws, like in a way, I wasn't prepared to tolerate or accept those things about him because I wanted to believe he was perfect.

That's right, that's why I found his emotional immaturity and erratic behavior so embarrassing!

 

Now it makes sense. This is all new stuff....interesting.

 

Next time I really fall for someone I need to remember that

[meoww]

It's like I finally got the missing puzzle piece of why my relationships start off so unrealistic and intense and progress to something so dysfunctional!!

 

All this time, I've found any flaws about my boyfriends really embarrassing and intolerable because I couldn't admit to myself they aren't perfect. So then I'd get all depressed wondering why I wasn't satisfied and why I got into relationships with these people in the first place.

 

First of all I picked the wrong people because most of the time I'd let them pick me, completely, and I'd be totally passive in the relationship.

Then, I'd idealize them to an unhealthy extent and try to change myself into their idea of the perfect woman so that I could tolerate the relationship, keep them around, not feel abandoned by my own lack of family, and not have to deal with any pain, try to control the situation so that everything would work out perfectly

 

but since I picked/was picked by untrustworthy people, I'd still get mistreated despite trying to be their perfect woman, and I would also build up desperation and resentment because it was never what I wanted.

 

so then it would just get worse and worse, and I'd feel more and more disgusted with myself until I got out of that relationship and then I'd freak out and be like, OH I'm so lonely booooo and then I'd immediately look for another boyfriend

 

that is soooooo weird. Why was I so weird. That isn't even close to what a relationship should be.