My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

I remember one boyfriend that I really hated, and basically I could sum up the relationship with one line "I hate you but I can't be alone and this unhappiness is all I've ever known and I'm too afraid to look what I want booooooo poor poor me and the only person I hate more than you is me"

 

That is just sooooo ridiculous. I know what I was going through but that is an unbelievable amount of unnecessary pain and punishment I put myself through.

I can't believe I forced myself to endure that.

No wonder that felt like rape. No wonder that really seemed like a series of sexual assaults.

[meoww]

In such a big world it's amazing how dysfunctional people can find each other like a lock and key. The fact that he let me treat him like he was nothing to me for 3 years, knowing I never really loved him, wow what a sad person. That's not uncommon though. It happens all the time yet it felt like my situation was special and somehow more complicated than that. Especially seeing as I didn't feel like such a prize. But now I know, it's not about that. It's about what he believed to be true about himself.

 

He really thought it was okay for me to lead him on like that. As much as I resent him for wasting my time and trying to hold me hostage in a relationship I clearly was not at all comfortable, fulfilled or functional in, he had no self control.

[meoww]

If I ever have kids, I want them to be independent because if they ever were targeted by people who wanted to make them their prey, I would want them to recognize it immediately and put a stop to it before it progressed any further.

 

You can't get mad or stay mad forever at people who can't control themselves. Otherwise you'll never be happy.

And trying to appease them by doing everything they want backfires to, because those people often don't know what they really want at all. They only act like they know, or tell you.

[meoww]

If I had a daughter or a son, I would want them to quickly realize if their partner had unhealthy tendencies that were out of control. This kind of stuff I think becomes apparent really quickly, and for those of us who haven't had a lot of direct training in this, it seems like, oh, I have a choice to make, do I stay or do I go? when it's much more clear cut than that.

 

like for example, there were some borderline comments I heard from an ex about how I wasn't "too hot too handle," like oh it's a good thing you aren't too hot to me. I don't remember a lot of our relationship but I remember that very well, and that's a direct quote. before, I would have been like, hmm that's rude, but now, I see that certain comments reveal a whole mindset and way of dealing with people that are not at all present in healthy and loving people.

[meoww]

so if I had kids, I think I'd do a really good job of teaching them how to without exception surround themselves with people who treat them with respect. They don't necessarily have to get along with everyone perfectly I guess, but when it comes to your inner circle or relationships, that's just the way it has to be. If you don't have that optimism, you never get out of that cycle of only dealing with other traumatized people who keep perpetuating negativity and discord among other people.

 

So it doesn't take that much for good ideas to spread and i think i can do a lot just by trying to deal with people in a healthy way. People who might have otherwise been horrible to me, will now interact with me in a very different way, just because I changed. which is pretty cool to think about.

 

I guess I just wonder how much HE has changed. If we are on completely different paths, or if we have arrived at similar conclusions. but since he hasn't reached out to me, I guess I won't worry too much about it. The door is always open on my end to discuss it, or at least just i don't know, become neutral/friendly/whatever non hostile word I can put in there, but yeah I am a big fan of resolutions of all kinds. I think this urge will dissipate soon though, because I really figured out a few things today about how

 

even now, how I lose trust in myself when I love someone else.

It's like I'm so used to the abusive dynamic where it's like, you can love me, or you can love yourself. Choose one. That is how things were with my parents, especially my narcissistic mother. So I get so scared when I love other people

 

that I have to change everything about myself completely to the point where I don't even know myself anymore (because thats an impossible task for anyone, period)

and then I'm always scared because since I changed everything about myself to love them, if I lose them, I lose everything.

so no wonder the stakes get so high

 

It's only recently that I've realized I don't have to change myself to get someone to love me. I love diversity, so why can't other people? If I really like myself, if I am really committed to making myself truly happy pursuing the life I really want to lead, then I can survive rejection.

[meoww]

Thats the silver lining to all this internet/social networking stuff. Even if it makes it easier to cheat, it makes it easier to see just how many other desirable and amazing people there are too when things go wrong.

 

It makes it easier for people to make decisions about their true desires, good or bad, and i like how self help stuff is so easily acessible but the problem really is just knowing what to look for and how.

 

I'm thankful that I know the world is open to me when things go wrong...

 

Although i know i have to value other people despite their flaws if i want to be happy in the long term. That is something to remember...when it comes to people who didnt necessarily directly contribute to my parents abuse of me. But meh that ill worry about another day.

 

Ive got bigger problems and things to tackle

[meoww]

I cant believe ive made a thousand posts on here....

[meoww]

I guess i think i know what it is

 

For the first time in my life i think i maybe do miss an ex

For real

Maybe i actually did love him somehow....maybe i did and i just didnt understand how i was feeling

[meoww]

Not because i want to get back together but i guess there is part of me that is sad that it didn't work out somehow

Even after all the things ive felt and even knowing i have feelings for someone else

 

.....

[meoww]

Maybe this makes sense, it is like im finally trusting my feelings, my instincts, and not changing everything just because something went wrong.

[meoww]

Yeah like i didnt have to make such a big deal out of it,

 

I didnt have to change the things i loved about myself just because he couldnt love them about me

[meoww]

I think even he might see the value in who i am now

[meoww]

So was i wrong. Did my healing boot camp ultimately fail to make me into a completely newcperson with no ties to my painful past?

[meoww]

Going through a lifetime's worth of pain in barely two years is just too much for me...i am so worn out. So completely worn out, its like ive been in recovery from a horrific accident

[meoww]

Anyway, wow i said i still loved him, admitted that to myself and its already going away...

[meoww]

Yeah i think i get it, because his cheating and lying fundamentally dishonored our relationship, i never really mourned properly...because i couldnt separate it from how it was all tainted so horribly.

[meoww]

I guess ill try to think about it for a while and figure out something

[meoww]

I don't want my ego to be so fragile that i cant understand why someone wouldnt want to be with me.

 

I know that if two people really want to be together, theyll find a way. Most impediments to relationships, are there for a reason. A real reason.

Everything i hear and read these days sounds like state sponsored propaganda to me. And me i do my work for free, im like an unpaid intern who nobody respects

[meoww]

Anyway, yeah when you really love someone its hard to let them go and experience being with other people, like really being with them. I forget that sometimes.

 

Because lately ive just been pushing that out of my head

 

Im trying to be freee lol

[meoww]

Anyway, i know that sex with the person you love best, whoever it is that chooses to love you back, is the best. It does have more meaning,

 

And for that reason you just have to get over it and let yourself be happy....

 

Like that movie! Where the girl goes crazy because she just cant forgive him

[meoww]

Yeah it would be nice to just love someone and not feel like i have to impress them all the time

 

It turns out all the cliche are true!

[meoww]

I want a guy who

 

Insert every cliche ever but its so true

 

Who doesnt care that im not always beauiful

Knows i look different with makeup on

Knows im going to get old

Knows how hard i have to work to be attractive and happy

 

Who values me

Who is committed to me even if its irrational and difficult to be in a relationship

Who appreciates the nice things that are true about me, i mean, i dont need someone to tell me that everything about me is perfect because i dont believe that nor do i need to be totally hung up on it as long as

 

They accept me

 

Who enjoys spending time with me

Who needs me around

Who seeks me out

Who does special and unique things for me

Who wants a future with me

[meoww]

A guy who knows himself well enough that he knows how to deal with his own struggles without taking his problems out on me or projecting his insecurities out on me

 

A guy who doesnt hold grudges, and admits when hes wrong

 

A guy who wants what i want too

 

A guy who is caring and loyal

 

I dont even need the special gifts and stuff once a year or whatever thats not a total breakever if the guy is a sweetheart

[meoww]

A guy who is truly happy and thinks for himself

 

A guy who enjoys making other people happy

 

A guy who is brave

 

A guy who isnt perverted--kinky is fine but no weird constant or secret degrading sexist nonesense/chatting with people online that kind of thing/craiglist hookers etc

 

A guy who just normal and well adjusted!!!

 

This shouldnt be so hard.... I dont need or want that much at all

Ive just been looking in all the wrong places, its weird how dumb i was

[meoww]

Someone other people meet and genuinely like. I guess i was so jaded for such a long time, i forgot how people arent immune to genuine affection and stuff. Everybody just cant help but love and care about other people, right? Or am i being way too optimistic again? Was it that the only thing that really matter is power, money or a certain look?