My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

Because im human, im a social animal, im designed to share my morality with others, it makes it hard for me to be the victim of taboo abuse. As a social animal, i need validation from the outside world, regardless of who gives me the validation, i need to feel validated in order to truly overcome the trauma. Im fighting my wiring and that is why it is so damn hard all the time.

 

But why would lack of validation and justice turn into a deeep anger and rage for me? Consciously, i understand all the factors that contributes into society turning a blind eye, or not giving proper respect to the victims of this trauma, why the state doesnt necessarily have an investment in protecting such individuals

 

Why the subject of family is so volatile that most people just prefer to avoid it...

How we are all damaged in one way and why it is hard to even diagnose abusers even when they universally share many traits and their cycles of abuse have been clearly outlined...

 

How our system of governmemt, economy doesnt judge character...it rewards good people and the bad.

Life is unfair and chaotic

 

I know all that. So why am i so upset?

I should just be patient, my life is just starting, i have a lifetime to correct the abuses against me. We all have a lifetime to figure out how to deal with each other and live in peace,

 

Thats why it never makes sense to escalate a conflict right? If you take the long view, youll see that either you have to find a way to remove yourself from the weaker position, or remove yourself from the situation completely

 

Reward, punishment

 

I know that my understanding of all these things was very disordered because of the abusive indoctrination from infancy

 

I guess thats where i am at in my life.

 

I understand myself now but i still havent gotten to that part where

 

I can deal with how i really feel deep inside...

[meoww]

I feel like punishment conditions people to be vindictive.

Since your whole life, get indoctrinated to think, do something bad, you get punished. And then you see all kinds of *******s making it in the world without a care in the world, you feel outraged.

 

But the whole system of punishment and justice is pretty much a social construction. What if we had a different way of dealing with people who do evil? Take the edge off their actions by not judging them. Thats away the perverse pleasure some people get from doing bad things, i think a lot of bad people are actually secret slaves to guilt and shame. They are addicted to these masochistic behaviors. On some level they might benefit, like make a lot of money, get away with crimes,but on some level they have to know they are wrong. I mean even the biggesr villians with no conscience try to justify their actions to somebody.

 

Even if there is a terrorist group, they justify their actions within the group. In their morality, it is them against the world. Punishment will have absolutely no effect on them and will just make things worse. Same with my abuser, she is like a terrorist in that shell use anything as an excuse to carry out the violence she wishes to carry out.

 

Obviously i dont see any quick solution to that, because prevention is obviously the trickest thing ever

People, especially people who do bad things, know that god doesnt immediately strike you down when you do something bad, there is no guarantee of any particular outcome. Good or bad,

 

There are people who have a balanced view of good and evil and i guess ill tackle that next.

 

 

Punishment, it scares me so much....i dont know if i could ever punish a naughty child....i just hate punishment. It seems so fundamentally backward and cruel.

Is it even effective in the long run?

 

Is it okay to make my life an experiment in seeing if people can be moral without punishment.

Even the word sounds scary.

 

Can i eradicate punishment from my life

 

Being unhappy, or seeing my actions in motion is punishment enough isnt it?

[meoww]

It just reinforces the dichotomy even more when people have to choose between 'selling out' their real values in the real world. When they take the side of what their conscience tells them is evil, they often go out of their way to repress it or try to convince themselves that it is justifiable. They shouldnt have to make that choice when it doesnt really work that way.

 

Defying the punishment they deep down believe they deserve, some people even get a kick out of exercising their power. Or they think they are too far gone to be helped, so they just get more twisted or stuck im their ways.

 

They can be caught in the drama of choosing good or evil, like so much is at stake, which i guess it is. But there something very archaic and lame about it.

 

Like, the future has no patience for this. Its like we have to unify.

[meoww]

Well awesome...now im normal.

[meoww]

I feel like such a fringe weirdo...having to figure out morality in todays world like some kind of idiot. I feel so behind....ugh ugh ugh

[meoww]

Verbal abuse is a crime that can't be punished, isnt it? I should have gotten my parents locked up when they still inflicted visual marks/bloody noses on me. I am such a dumb girl

 

Way to realize this 10 years too late.

 

That is the easiest way to deal with them, get the societal validation i wanted.

All i had to do was show it....take pictures of the marks, my friends parents saw it, my teachers saw it

 

Thats why they are so disgraceful in my eyes.

No wonder

 

I mean, when the evidence is clearly in front of you, damn, if i saw that, id never just let it go.

 

For the first time in my life i realize how that is just not okay at all. That would never happen in my home, never with people i love. Wow wow wow

 

It really wasnt my fault was it?

[meoww]

This whole time, i felt guilty, like oh i didnt do enough as a victim to empower myself

And i beat myself up about it every day.

 

But i just think back to being a child, having so many people see the marks my parents left, see the bloody noses, see the way my parents treated me, and having them do basically nothing about it. Taking me into their homes for the worst of the violence, but not talking to me about it. Despite all the good things about me, how i was a loyal friend, hard worker, high achiever and ordinary citizen none of those labels could overcome the most important label about me, 'that girls family is trash.' as long as the upstanding citizens of my community could believe that, then it was okay to neglect me and not even discuss the issue with my parents. They werent even considered worth talking to. Oh hes the older dad who doesnt live in a good neighborhood and acts uneducated and resentful, lets just ignore them even though i was basically begging for their compassion like a ****ing lost puppy.

 

I get it now....if i had blonde hair i guarantee this would have been a different story, especially given what a hard worker i was. What a bad mix of prejudices...and the times.

 

This story would happen without the explosive combination of

 

1. The fact that my parents are isolated from society, and dont have to answer to friends and people they are intimate with. They can only keep in touch with far away people, or people they almost never see so that they could justify their actions

2. The fact that they only lived in each country part time so they could repress their guilt very easily and play both sides

3. The fact that both grew up in horrible abusive, backward and strange households

4. They would get encouragement to continue the abuse through lies told about me, and certain far away friends they could easily lie to, and block out anything positive they heard about me

5. They had the authority as parents to justify any of their abuses of power, and totally bizarre, arbitrary and insane punishment system

6. They are mentally ill but do not seek professional help, and since they are not honest it wouldnt help them anyway

7. I was too young to understand how to navigate how they were setting me up for failure, too young to understand how to deal with the ignorance i grew up in, the lack of education, hobbies, normal lifestyle, i didnt know to how to come to terms with the unfairness, victimization, total all consuming grief at being an orphan

8. The society and community i was in at the time, was much much less tolerant, classist, racist, educated and generally kind of screwed up

9. And then how people have no compassion for you basically once you turn 18 because you are an adult

10. How people are afraid of anything that doesnt make them appear successful and cool, how that would be a drain on their status. My friends were way too young to know how to deal with it appropriately

11. My primary abuser was FEMALE

 

All of that led to this hairy mess

I have no idea how i survived at all. Seriously how am i still here and how did i manage to have any hope at all. I guess that is what stupid young people do in a way, they try to survive no matter how bad things are,

 

Now i understand....im really an adult now, with maternal feelings of my own

[meoww]

Oh Dr zimbardo you have changed my life! Now that i understand how evil is perpetuated through systems i feel less inclined to hate individuals who have harmed me.

 

It confirmed my suspicion all along that sometimes it is the circumstances that make people, like my friends, and co workers turn a blind eye to the obvious and ever present signs of abuse because the social system we currently have makes it more convenient do to so, without any negative consequences for them.

 

In that regard, i can see how as maximizes of pleasure and minimizers of pain they would avoid the issue and try to write me off when confronted with the truth in an indirect or direct way

 

That kind of proves i was abused even more, since no one wants to touch such a hot issue

They dont want to get burned

They dont want to look in the dark corners of the world because they dont want to see

[meoww]

I cant believe he is 80...wow he seemed a lot younger in the video but i wasnt paying that much attention.

 

But yeah im glad i laid it all out. Thats why i have so many conflicting feelings about it. I see people who seem good doing horrible things to hurt me, or well i know that is long past now

But wow wowowowowowowowowowowowowow i could say this forever. Yeah when you can do bad things, not feel guilty about it, and not have to think too much about it, no wonder you can overlook the suffering of others

[meoww]

Oh and this is what I dont understand...

 

Why people go so quickly from, oh what a horrible abuser...to forgiving the abusers actions so quickly. Its like they never even get mad in the first place.

So it makes the victims feel like, cool, people might believe me to some extent, but they dont even care, they just treat the abuser like a normal, ordinary person when in fact they are a criminal!

 

But think of all the people who have commited truly heinous crimes

Some of them, especially if they are rich and have power

Are given ridicuous amounts of respect

 

It really just comes down to that

Basically thats another reason why my abuser did not want me to be successful and put so much energy into that. Not only was she a jealous person, she didnt want my story to ever have more credibility than hers.

 

Thats why she tried to make my life a living hell

All to protect her banal little secret

When being an abuser isnt that much of thing at all. There are a lot of abusers in the world

[meoww]

And remember, all female criminals are treated like delicate little flowers a lot of the time. Like female rapists and pedos

So dont forget that

[meoww]

Yes i remember how sometimes certain friends would be so cold to my male abuser because he fits the typical profile of an abuser, but then be very compassionate towards the female abuser who in actuality was so much more dangerous.

 

One of the perks of being female i guess,

Everyone thinks we are harmless.

But i wouldnt abuse my privilege to hurt others because i know i can get away with it!

[meoww]

Now i know how to create my own public image to elicit sympathy and respect.

I knew i had to do it all along on some level but i didnt know a lot of the little details that go into it.

 

For many years i resented that i had no other choice, that society only pays its respects to people who look and act a certain way. I wanted to empower abuse victims to be as free as they want.

But after finding what i truly appreciate about the truly mainstream, i dont feel the outrage i used to feel.

 

I think part of it has to do with discovering that im not fundamentally different because i experienced a lot of abuse. Im not a breakable object and my brain is wonderfully plastic. People might be some of the most resilient organisms on earth.

 

So anyway, i realized i really can fit in, whereas on some level i always told myself i wasnt good enough.

And when it comes to resenting them for not caring about less fortunate people like me, i guess you have to chalk it up to the system and let it go. I know tbat it is nearly impossible for people to let go of their conditioning unless they have an explicit motive or incentive for doing so.

 

Even pop culture works this way...the more popular something is, the harder it becomes to be the lone voice against it because you dont want to be labeled as someone negative wbo is out of step witg progress, the trends and having fun. So you get kind of forced into adopting a fake persona, but on some level you know youre happier that way than being stuck im the past or something.

 

So even victims of abuse have to be a bit fake in order to get what they want...

Being stuck in the past just keeps me a victim forever.

I thought being an abuse victim, an outsider to regular society could give me a voice to change society for the better. But dragging around in the muck, showing your vulnerability and pain is a tricky thing to pull off.

Id never condone abuse, but when im faced with young kids i wonder about, i dont do anything either

But then again, i think that i would if i was in the us. It would be different

 

But from other peoples perspectives

I can see how you wouldnt want to get involved. Not to be purposefully cruel, but because you just dont know sometimes. Even if you know someone is an abuser you know they are hurting too

And it is hard to take somebody elses child away from them

And on another level you know it isnt your fault or responsibility to help

Although turning away someone wbo is begging for it is another story

 

All someone needs to say to an abuse victim is, im here for you, i know you are strong enough to overcome this. I know that what your abuser is doing is morally wrong and im sorry i cant do more to help. Just know im rooting for you and that i want the best for you.

 

And if neessary Please dont be angry with me for not adopting you or bringing you out of your misery. To be honest, im not comfortable witb making a huge drama in front of everyone i know. I realize thats not fair to you but i want you to know what you are not helpless.

 

You can be whoever you want and remember that when you turn 18 you can leave and never look back. As hard as it is, this is going to be the only way out for you. Dont waste time trying to get them to love you because they never will and they will always make excuses about why they 'have' to hurt you.

 

Oh why didnt anyone say this to me? And why didnt my guidance counselor say this at the very least. This sentiment could easily be expressed without outing the abuser, she could just say it in a really vague way, like i think you have a good head on your shoulders and i think you can make your own decisions. Trust yourself and the most important thing is to become indepedent as soon as possible so that you are in control of all your decisions.

 

But instead this is what people often say, if its so bad why dont you just leave. Or just drop out of college and work as a waitress, that is what i would do. Brb studying abroad, internships, vacays...but oh if you dropped out you wouldnt be good enough to be my friend. I mean, bein poor isnt cool but yeah i respect you soooooooooo much for it. Youre so strong brb no college loans, career connections, cars, material posessions and comfort. But why dont you become a social worker? I thibk that would really fit your passions in life. They had everything and they wouldnt give any of their comfort in life up but they expected me to sacrifice what little happiness i did have in life. The perils of having friends who were way better off than me...another reason why the abuse escalated without me noticing. That is actually huge and i need to remember that. That was why i initially thought A would be a good bf for me because he wasnt as well off. But his life just ended up being so depressing. So i guess im wrong about certain aspects of tbat

 

But people are often pretty **** at expressing their emotions, especially the kind of people i turned to as a kid.

[meoww]

To my teenage self

 

I know, you want to tell people to do the right thing and stand up for what is right. It's really not that simple and let me tell you why. To get people to change, you have to make them want to change. When it comes to reaching out and rescuing you from your abusive parents, people don't really have a reason to help you. Before you freak out and get angry at me for saying that, just listen. It's not entirely because people are ****s who only care about themselves.

 

Sure, if they knew their investment in you would turn out to be profitable or advantageous, then they might be more motivated to adopt you or something.

 

As it stands, you are just pure potential, no one knows what you are going to do yet. Plus, you have PTSD. How many people want to deal with that? You are like a landmine that needs to be carefully dismantled. Other people have problems too you know. They probably aren't capable of dealing with their own traumas let alone yours.

 

That seems pretty grim right?

But it isnt as depressing as you think. I know you think love is the missing ingredient from your life. And i know how idealistic you are.

 

Keep being idealistic, but remember, trying to change people from a place of anger will never work. And also remember that you dont know what burdens other people are carrying or why they act the way they do. Look closer. You might realize you are right about certain things and that you dont trust your own eyes enough. Youll also find out you are just wrong about some things too.

 

When it comes to love, look at the world around you. Love is a scarce resource. People who only love and protect their own families dont really know what true love is. But everyone is here and they all made it in the world without love. So can you.

 

Are you going to be the happiest person who ever lived? The most well adjusted? Maybe not, but if you let the life and family you didnt choose dictate your choices then you are guaranteed to be miserable. That is one guarantee i can make you in this uncertain life.

 

Love can be the glue that patches broken people and families together. Thats why nothing ever gets resolved in your house. Things always hurt because at the end of the day, the love, compassion and support you need to mature and develop, just isnt there.

 

So you think thats why you are kind of alien to this planet right? The weird thing about people is that when they have to be strong and survive something horrible, they usually do.

 

We have an imagination, sometimes we can use it to compensate for what is lacking in our real lives.

 

The present might be intolerable, so painful you can barely stand it if you think you can't be happy because you don't deserve it.

 

You really think, deep down, that you can't trust anyone and that no one loves you.

 

But you can enjoy life even if people don't really invest their emotions in you. People do care about you at least a little. They like having you around. But no one can be loved like that in the world as it is.

 

You can be special to a couple people, and youll know when you meet these people. But to the majority of people, victim of abuse, or not, you're just another face in the crowd. Everybody goes through that. Everyone is replaceable or somewhat interchangable in todays society. Thats wby you feel bad.

 

But on a deeper level you have to find fulfillment and peace. You are special and loved. Just know that inside. Parents make kids feel like they are their whole world when they do it rignt. Young kids who dont know any better grow up thinking they are the source of joy, entertainment, light, hope and progress in their parents eyes. Thats part of how we think people develop a healthy ego and sense of belonging in the world.

 

But there are people like you who never had that. So you know that people can survive without it. Ideals are beautifil things that color our world and give us the energy to keep going when times get tough. But when you dont fit that ideal, it can seem like youre not completely whole.

 

Many social rules and ideals are fundamentally arbitrary and family is one. You dont need a family to be happy. All you need is yourself.

 

Give it some thought and youll realize it is true.

 

You can get through this. Happiness doesnt come easily for anyone. Success is never a guarantee. I know this isnt what you want to hear.

 

But thats why some parents lie to their kids and shelter them. They think its better for kids to believe in this fake utopia where everything revolves around them and their desires so that they can at least experience that for some part of their lives. Its almost like something is better than nothing. So it is hard to be smacked in the face with reality when youre so young.

 

Dont give up hope and perpetuate this.

But get out of your abusive household so they cant brainwash you anymore.

I love you so much! Just enjoy what you have because you can still enjoy life while going through this. Dont try to think in extremes, there is good and bad in life. Just try to stay on the positive side for your own sake.

[meoww]

Little provocateur

 

Sometimes i think the answer to narrow minded people is to flagrantly offend their sensibilities

 

My older wiser self has a comment on that

 

Lol obviously this is unproductive! You just seem like more of a threat to their way of life.

 

Being a quiet, unassuming activist can be even more effective than outright activism. Kpop case in point

 

Be fabulous and people will follow

 

But sometimes, especially lately....i feel so miserable and fake. I dont feel like being a palatable, vanilla person all the time. I just dont, both parts of me are equally necessary. So i just have to work that into my current self knowledge

[meoww]

I feel this deadening calm...

 

I had a very childish sense of hope these past few years, thinking when it was all over id be such a happy person.

But i dont think i can be happy all the time.

I feel so disappointed about that.

 

I always want things to be fun. And fresh

 

But sometimes i just dont care or just feel sick of things

[meoww]

But id rather be happy than not happy....

 

I dont know whats going on with me. Its like i know now that being happy is kind of like a choice

It is not necessarily the mosy natural state for people to be in

[meoww]

link removed

 

I experiencee both but i guess im not the only one who feels this way.

 

I need to keep this article around because it explains things so clearly.

This is seriously so useful to me even if it is about a different kind of abuse.

[meoww]

A long time ago i used to resent my abusers for taking my innocence

For taking away my own personal just-world hypothesis.

 

I wanted to believe that people were fundamentally safe and good, and everything they did to me flied in the face of that.

 

Knowing their true nature, i no longer see them in the same sympathetic light.

 

I used to get so sad about that. Like how was it possible that bad people literally exist? Were they going to hell? Or worse yet, were there no consequences for their actions.

 

Now i accept what i have experienced with my own eyes

 

I forgive them

They are sad people, i have always felt sorry for them

And this time feeling sorry for them doesnt put me in more danger.

[meoww]

Now i guess i accept the good and the bad, more and more

 

I dont know what it means, but im not going to romanticize the bad and try to find meaning in it like some philosopher or something

 

I want to find meaning in the positive. It is just as complicated and beautiful as the negative.

[meoww]

So clean....

 

My soul is pretty clean as of late...

 

I guess that torturous exorcism of the past was worth it...

 

I feel so accepting of myself and others

[meoww]

The difference between today and yesterday

 

Is that i avoid negativity and negative people instead of trying to change them

I have higher self esteem

I am brave. I dont feel abandoned

Im less narrow minded

Making mistakes doesnt scare me because im not afraid of being punished for it

My weaknesses dont feel catastrophic

I like a lot more about myself

I feel like im my real self

I enjoy the things i always wanted to enjoy

[meoww]

Im growing a positive and powerful spirit

 

I want to be protected

 

I dont want anyone i know to find this journal

 

Because this the culmination of my hard work

 

So i think im going to find a more private place to reflect

A place i feel safer in

And where i know i can honor my hard work and the spiritual path i have taken as an individual

Until i know

 

Until i know what i want to share with the world

What i want to give back

And what is mine to keep, and what im allowed to cherish completely alone and privately