My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

I want to figure out what is actually true and not just a coping mechanism for me

 

Like with the people I've loved, especially most recently.

 

I'm not them, so by default they can't value me as much as I value myself.

 

I'm also not a guy

 

So, seeing things through their eyes, ill try t

[meoww]

Well as usual this happens at least once every time I post I. This site I don't even feel line editing because its too annoying

 

SO

 

As I was saying, seeing things through their eyes, trying to remove my ego from it.

 

I picture myself.

It's not quite as bad as I thought.

A little pathetic, but there are worse things than being pathetic.

 

But then I see through their eyes, and dreams and they have to have forgotten me, wrapped up in the sounds and images in front of them.

 

There are other girls, women who fascinate them too, for totally different reasons...

I just don't know how important that is..

 

I wonder if they miss me.

Being more normal these days, I understand better that it's even possible for me to be loved '.

 

Before that seemed crazy, like why would anyone ever love me even as a friend?

 

I'm even okay with the cheater loving me.

 

Just because he is a cheater doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings, he also has other, cheaty, creepy feelings too.

 

He isn't as good of a person as I am. He thinks he is invincible and that there aren't really consequences for his actions, Which is all why I never wanted to marry him in the first place. I never believed for a second that he was sincere.

 

I think he became a better person because I gave him that benefit of the doubt. He kind of wanted help but in a really passive way. I wasn't very patient with him because I was angry that he was misrepresenting himself from the very beginning. I should have just said that instead of making it a self fulfilling prophecy. He was worth a month of my time, if that.

 

What about the others?

I still don't know how he felt really. I felt so inferior next to such a magnificent person. Just so completely open and free and totally beautiful. I was mad then too, like I was already abandoned from the very beginning. I learned how to access that part of myself because I was inspired by him. I was going to say because if him but i dont think its healthy for me to say that. This seems so bittersweet. That's such a lame ending. I guess I just don't know.

 

I want to believe he didn't really love me...so that I can throw him down the chute with all the ****ty memories I've decided to discard.

But I think maybe he really did love me at one point. But there is no way he still does is there? Yeah I don't think there is. It's like it just hit me, the belated feeling of rejection.

[meoww]

Trying to think of stuff that really makes me happy, that actually touches me and isn't part of any fantasy or ideal I've learned from other people. I mean, I know that it's not possible to be a totally independent thinker but I think it is healthy for me to think this through, given what I have been through.

 

So...

I love it when people touch my hair haha creepy, but I really like the feeling of other people combing it or braiding it

 

Non sequiturs

Being clean, having soft skin

Plants

White sheets

Nice juice glasses

Cars (feel guilty saying this but it's true)

 

I can't progress too much further on this list because everything seems so loaded with cultural connotations, like I can't even really say I like certain foods because I don't want to identify as a 'foodie' or whatever term is popular now. I just want to be happy without any of that.

 

Strawberries and whipped cream

Sprouts

Brusselsprouts-lol how is this spelled?

Fresh raspberries, blackberries

White fish

Kale

Pumpkin/squash

Radishes

Some nuts

Spices

 

I am totally sick of my music in a way.

I don't like the same kind of art I used to like at all.

In fact, I don't even know how I feel about art anymore

 

I'm deeply suspicious anything masquerading as high culture, anything that's more form than function

 

I don't know how to deal with all of these feelings in a way that's going to make me happier.

 

Food is the one arena of my life that I can allow higher aspirations, because I don't feel like I'm trying to force myself to believe something ugly or gross is better than it actually is. I feel good when I eat good food.

 

Books are kind of the same. Books and information make me feel more complete. They feel nutritious.

 

But I won't take part in perpetuating cycles of violence through consuming high culture, hoping that will make me part of the power structure, because it just makes me a pawn who thinks they aren't a pawn.

 

But I don't know what's worthy of my time, period.

 

Life for people in first world countries is frivolous.

I don't know how to accept this luxury without becoming decadent, in the real sense of the word.

 

This never ends. I don't want to sacrifice my privileges just because I know others suffer far more than I do. Yet I feel like I'm constantly not living up to what I should really be doing.

 

Seriously everything seems made up it's a wonder anything works at all. That is why logic is such a comfort

It is the only thing that makes sense. I'm tired of things that don't make sense but I know that those things serve a purpose in the world.

 

I will try not to worry too much about the things I don't understand, and try to figure it out at my own pace.

 

No need to get all anxious about it when I don't understand anyway.

[meoww]

I think I really understand all too well why it's often said Americans are obsessed with health. Sex is healthy, sharing is healthy, all these complicated and loaded cultural activities are oversimplified in the name of the pursuit of health.

 

Even as I was watching pretty little liars haha I noticed how everyone was saying Spencer was starting to go crazy, and all I could think was that for the first time on the show, there was a character whose actions finally made some degree of sense to me. I honestly had no idea what was meant by her supposed descent into cray cray land.

 

That's when I started to realize that none of those labels has much power over me anymore.

 

The majority is not, as a rule, always right. There have been philosophers I guess who have claimed that the only morality or truth comes from what the biggest number people believe but I think I finally disagree. Morality isn't necessarily all relative and socially constructed.

 

Anyway ahhh is always so depressing!!!

 

My goal is to not be so depressing this week.

 

I think I can manage this.

 

Anyway back to health.

I think that being afraid of not being healthy, to point of paranoia and fear or being afraid of negativity, breeds so much unnecessary pain.

 

Depression isn't even that bad, I guess I don't know though.

Reading about how certain mental illnesses go in and out of vogue, I see that mental illness is very confusing and hard to pin down. Just like diet and lifestyle affecting the rate of certain illnesses, the cultural contributing factors to the expression of mental illness are so dependent on the times.

 

I'm learning not to be afraid of a lot of the things that used to scare me so much.

That includes the uglier parts of myself.

It's strange because consciousness requires an unconscious, that element of unpredictability gives us the choice to exercise free will.

 

I hope I can exercise my strengths more because then I could be prouder of who I am. I see my own duality and how that is one way of giving my life meaning.

 

Although I hope to become stronger than the struggle to be good.

[meoww]

I wonder if we really are all connected, why is it that we all seem to evolve and grow together so much of the time? Enough so that we can have trends and fads that define a period of time. I think it goes deeper than dominance games.

[meoww]

I wonder what it is like to be somebody else. It's so strange because it is literally impossible. I can never know without losing myself. If there are different perspectives, then there are so many worlds within just this one here on earth, literally existing at the same time.

 

I can't really say that the world that others see is a hallucination without undermining mine in some ways. So there it is.

 

I am so glad I'm not such a messed up black and white thinker anymore.

[meoww]

So okay, my brain has been primed to receive much better information from the outside world. Before, I couldn't deal with my environment because I was kind of just in my very disordered, limited head no matter where I was.

 

Now I can look outward instead if inward all the time.

 

It's like the fun can begin.

[meoww]

What makes today different from any other day:

I just have to remember that there might be time, and that I need to be observant of it.

 

I ate stew

I helped a girl on this website with her boyfriend

I waited for spring to come (like I always do these days)

 

So now I should gather more information on everything that surrounds me.

Finally ready for that! What is out there? I don't have a clue right now.

[meoww]

So on my spare time, I'm going to do a lot more reading.

 

Then I want to develop a new skill or hobby. I'll start today!! First I have to pick something

 

Feeling really good and in a very good place mentally.

[meoww]

Oooh I remember what I was going to put in here.

 

Red flags from previous relationships:

 

The way my one ex ended things with his friends with benefits before dating me (who knows, he could have kissed her one last time for old times sake or something for all i know), that was shady. Then how he'd flirt with girls when i wasnt around, like a teller at a bank (ew) or the time his phone accidentally called me while he was in line at the airport and he was flirting or talking to some random girl. I just thought, he must be really friendly, and i was actually glad but now in hindsight it was obviously a bad sign.

 

The really really unforgiable thing my other ex did when he ruined my chances of uncovering my dads affair, god how was i so blind... That one is just mind blowing

And being so controlling about my major in college, what an obvious creep.

 

another warning sign from another ex

He had also hooked up with too manygirls in our first week in thr dorms to be considered trust worthy in the long run

 

Just because someone has some nerdy interests does not make them trustworthy, balless men who will do whatever i tell themto do

[meoww]

Even in high school i was aware of what the red flags of the 3 main guys i dated were

[meoww]

My newly updated list of red flags:

Some of them are funny because I obviously would never fall for some of them but I really want to cover my bases so I avoid all creeps as much as possible

 

 

First impressions:

 

Doesnt seem satisfied with their life

 

Way below your league but think they deserve you

 

Seems to want to teach you things (creepy)

 

They have not achieved typical adult milestones

 

They are very judgemental of people who are different from them

 

They create service people disrespectfully or in an overly saccharine manner

 

They seem to have intense emotions

 

They are pretentious or overly opinionated

 

No credit card or phone haha

 

Well this getting boring

Im not that good at this

 

Over time red flags:

 

They dont support your profession

They think they know whats best for you and will either directly meddle with your finances and career, or subtly try to brain wash or influence you into being exactly what they want you to be

Pride themselves on being different

Make the same mistakes over and over again

Cant apologize

Lies

Not honest

Expects you to make sacrifices they would never make for you

Controls your hobbies and friends

Belittles or makes you feel lame

Bad style (can indicate resentment)

Bad gift giver

Treats pets badly

Not clean home

Bad taste

Weird sleeping habits

In denial about one of their addictions or bad habits and extremely defensive if you bring it up

Doesnt exercise

Defensive in general

Friends dont like them

Their friends seem to wish they could tell you more about them but hold back

Yells or screams

Hits

Acts crazy if you try to get space and leave them

[meoww]

Red flags of more secret scum balls

 

People cant seem to put their finger on what seems off about them but definitely feel something is wrong

 

They try to convince you that their desires are yout desires

 

They are hyper critical of your failures

 

Have a weird or unhealthy relationship with one or both parents

 

Secretive about their email and phone

Or thinking youll never call their bluff, or that they can cover their tracks, give you their passwords very freely

 

They move too fast or even way too fast

 

They are insecure about something major but havent deal with their feelings

 

No long term plans even if they are successful

 

Dont seem to share your values

 

Deep down thinks women are inferior

 

Gives less and less attention as time goes on

[meoww]

What about friendship red flags:

 

Does not listen very attentively or give thoughtful advice even during an emergency

 

But suddenly perks up when thr subject is his or her life and his or her issues

 

Does not protect you or attempt to protect you from negative people

 

Does not give sincere compliments

 

Secretely trying to undermine you by giving bad advice or being glad when you fail

 

Substance abuse

 

Uses you for certain things you have that they dont

 

Doesnt contact as much as you contact them

 

Doesnt support you in making good things happpen

 

No energy to do fun things

 

Expects you to entertain them

 

Values you for your value to other people

 

Is suddenly available when you are up, but no where to be found when you are down

 

Cuts contact for no reason

 

Defensive

 

Uncaring

 

Cant admit their mistakes

 

Unforgiving

 

Proud to be boring

[meoww]

Wow reading that list i kind of see that people i didnt even realize were truer friends to me than some people i have been vefy close to but badly hurt by.

 

I really need to be more careful when choosing which friends to confide in. I think im finally getting better at that

[meoww]

This website reminds me of how sick i am of creeps of all stripes. I'm especially sick of the creeps who play mind games with their exs because their minds are so diseased. And then all the poor people suffering from that come on this site and it really shows me that there is quite a spectrum of human morality.

 

Yeah, im just done with all creeps (i guess what i mean to say is that im done with negative people.)

 

Feels good to get that off my chest. I don't feel like a pawn in anybody's game. Sometimes it genuinely boggles my mind how many sick people there are out there but i am not going to worry about that right now

[meoww]

My head feels so empty of anger and negativity. I think all this writing really did help. I covered a lot of ground from toxic friendships, self destructiveness, toxic relationships, workplace bullying, and child abuse (and possible sexual abuse.)

 

i have learned so many great coping skills and i hope to continue on this upward trend. I definitely feel like i let go of a lot of really bad stuff. Another milestone in becoming much happier than i used to be.

 

I dont think im attracted to or comfortable with all that negative stuff anymore.

Thank god otherwise i would have just shriveled up and died or something.

[meoww]

I want to organize

Like a pride parade for child abuse survivors.

 

Too bad that would be really complicated, since most people don't want to be publicly out.

 

Because then we implicate our family members, who go on with their lives as if nothing happened, and their friends, etc.

 

But since I don't like or respect my family I would be proud to be in a march like that!

 

I would feel sooooo free

And I would love to force people to look at me for who I really am and what I have survived.

[meoww]

"The march is a protest. It's a protest against harassment, against bigotry, against invisibility."

 

From a blog for transgender people but it sums up my feelings about being a child abuse survivor. I wish I could take to the streets and be proud of who I am too, without having to pass for normal or minimize my experience.

 

I need keep this blog in mind because it really made clear how I lacked empowerment in my life

 

And how my identity as a child abuse survivor is also a political and moral struggle.

 

I feel so free of my baggage

It just baggage now, my fear isnt everything anymore.

[meoww]

I'm not invisible, i dont have to be invisible. I don't need to pretend it didnt happen just because it makes other people uncomfortable or sad. That was 80% of my anger inside, it was the rage at other people who wanted to pretend my whole life away just because it seemed convenient. Well, guess what? I'm not making things easier for you anymore and I am going to be a fabulous example of a truly healed person.

 

I know what happened to me and I don't have to minimize it.

 

I am allowed to be a victim and a survivor.

 

Awesome. My parents decisions are not my problem, they made their bed, they will continue to lie in it because they can never take it back.

 

If they choose to ask for my forgiveness someday, I could give it to them because I have hope now and I don't need to be angry.

 

So I don't feel fragile or undermined just because like a few people are in denial. That's just something that happened. It doesn't mean that what happened to me was not real.

[meoww]

It's like I used to have this twisted logic, if other people didnt see it, then what i saw was wrong. If other people didnt understand, then I was the one who had to change.

 

It's obvious where I learned how to lie down in the middle of the street like road kill when I was very much alive.

 

If other people didnt see it, then it wasn't real. But that's not how things work.

[meoww]

I'm learning how to stop being passive, over time this has revealed a lot of unintended upsides.

 

I didn't realize how being passive affected most of my decision making process. When I'm passive, my own thoughts are unclear and mixed up because I don't trust my own perception. Now, it's much easier for me to make simple decisions or express more complicated sentiments.

 

I can react in the moment, think of come backs more easily, and I feel more like a person.

 

I used to be so passive that if something someone would say would bother me, I wouldn't even notice until a day later. Out of the blue, alone in my room or something, I'd get so upset remembering how I had done nothing when someone had disrespected me or something. Now, I can express my feelings in the moment and recognize when I feeling something.

 

Best of all, I'm now capable of telling my child abuse story in a way that I'm satisfied with and feel does justice to my suffering. Before, because I thought it was my fault, I wouldn't even recognize clear signs of abuse as they were happening.

 

It is definitely not something you learn in a day. My head feels like, oh, this is what it is like to have a brain, a normal brain, that isn't being consumed by a parasite (ie my mother) at all times or something.

[meoww]

Another thought I just had, about cold people who occasionally show you their softer side to control you.

 

I think subconsciously I used to think this was a privilege, only I get to see how they hurt, how they really are. But I think I'm beginning to see another, much less sympathetic and sinister side of that story.

 

For people who operate like that, they are aware of how effective this is on certain kinds of damaged people. I'm not attracted to emotionally distant behavior anymore but I can see how it is especially dangerous for damaged people, or why damaged people, unlike healthy people who are not addicted to this behavior, lack the impulse control or awareness to stop working on a game they can never win.

 

It makes sense, that is literally how games or even how life works. There are little rewards to keep you motivated but a challenge throughout that keeps you working.

 

It's very systematic, which is weird because the people who do this don't seem self aware.

 

Which brings me to my point, I think it helps to force myself to put the responsibility for decency onto them, rather than being all like,

 

Oh well, they don't know what they are really doing so it's okay.

 

Actually, they may very well know exactly what they are doing, and I could just be the naive one being tricked into having sympathy for them.

[meoww]

Lastly, that's why I want to take people's actions and words at face value most of the time. In my head, i think its Okay to think Whatever i want, but when it comes to dealing with People i want to be as straightforward as i can be without making people too uncomfortable. Otherwise, its easy to get too caught up in the meta game or trying to figure out what the real deal is.

 

It's just weird because most of the time I'm around people who are more or less like me

 

But it's when I'm around people who are really really different from me that it becomes so confusing and complicated because I don't get why some people choose to be how they are??

[meoww]

Done dissecting people's motives for a while as helpful and life changing as that has been.

 

I guess I'm just scared that I can't protect myself from everybody. There is always going to be somebody out there who is going to be mean when I least expect it.

 

It's too stressful for me to constantly be anticipating new ways in which people can hurt me.

 

I know I used to be on the opposite end of the spectrum, but I don't need to be afraid of falling back into that place. That's not going to happen anymore than the sun not coming up tomorrow.