My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

I will spend some time, maybe the next few months with this thought.

 

You only can change yourself, so never try to change others.

 

It's a just a thought to guide me in any situation especially when I feel weak and not in control.

[meoww]

Now I'm feeling vulnerable, like ugh, I'm taken oven again by my status as 'victim' and 'child abuse survivor' like those are the only labels I feel I'm worthy of.

 

I have to get out of that head space and maybe do some affirmations.

 

I'm starting to realize I get extremely agitated and upset when I talk about my abusers and I just shouldn't do it for long time. I'm not going to forget, I have my evidence, written memories, and I need to just stop thinking about

 

Her in particular.

I can't let her obsession become mine.

[meoww]

Changing my labels. Cause they're sticky....

 

I don't need to identify as a survivor anymore because I believe myself and what happened to me.

 

That label used to empower me to trust my memories, instincts and the evidence I had gathered.

 

Now, I need to give myself a new label.

[meoww]

Affirmations/describing myself outside of the context of abuse

Giving myself a new context, new environment

 

I'm a young woman who is strong, independent and fun.

 

I love music. I love singing even though I'm not as strong of a singer as I'd like to be.

 

I love dancing, I love moving my body lol wow and I think I have a pretty good sense of rhythm and timing but it takes me a long time to pick up my moves..

 

I love performing for other people

[meoww]

A new context...continued

I need to step outside my little box and just leave it, in fact, I'm going to visual my mental prison as a cardboard box, disintegrating into the ground and decomposing into the earth.

 

No more imaginary barriers.

 

Wow that's a really big step. I feel like that's really what is holding me back from being normal.

 

I don't feel like I belong when that's not true

Everyone has their own way of belonging and I can't force other people to like me, but I do belong. I keep feeling fundamentally different but it doesn't have to be that way.

 

There are things I might have to change about myself

Certain limitations

Certain struggles

Very hard things but I shouldn't give up just because I had a few bad experiences

Sometimes things just don't work out, and people come and go, but as long as I have a few good people I can trust I can deal.

[meoww]

The negative things I believe about myself:

 

That somehow everyone deep down will abandon me

 

That I'm different and no one will ever want to be around me for a long time, like that all my friendships are just temporary

 

That I'm not good at anything even when I try pathetically hard

 

That I'm hideously ugly even when I try so hard to be pretty

 

That every effort I make in life falls short of what everyone else can do so naturally

 

That ill never be happy, healthy, normal, good at anything, respected, loved, stable

 

That it is too late for me to get anything I want

That somehow someone will take one look at me be like, well, as much as I like her, I can't marry her because she's not normal

And that ill always never quite satisfy anyone

 

That other people are always just a bit better than me, more desirable in every way

 

That ill always just be not quite there...

 

That somehow something is just missing

 

That everything I do is just an imitation of someone else

Because I'm not capable of being normal

 

That people will always be able to tell I'm not one of them

 

Okay as annoying as it is

I'm realizing my big ass fear is that one thing

Not belonging, being defective or something

 

So I need up figure that out

 

Otherwise I'll just be hopeless forever

[meoww]

Ok I'm trying to make this as straightforward as I can

 

So I'm going to go with the basics. Like fear of abandonment and see if that leads me somewhere new.

 

Right now I'm reading something about object constancy or something

 

Then, I'm going to do something about my fear of being different--because I don't know much about this at all.

[meoww]

This is a nice analogy I just read

You have to be like a gardener and weed out feeble thoughts in order to develop strong character.

 

This one I don't like as much because it's a war analogy but

 

If you shun battle, you must forgo the victory and the joy associated with it

[meoww]

I always forget a crucial truth about everyone, including myself

 

There is good and bad in everyone, whether or not one outweighs the other.

 

It is important for me remember that so that I don't start thinking in extremes like my narcissistic mother again.

[meoww]

I want to be my own person

I want to own all my flaws despite where they might have come from

Directing blame to it's rightful place is crucial to loving yourself but it does nothing to change your flaws

[meoww]

So right now:

 

No more thinking

Most of the stuff I'm reading now I already know, I really know the basics and I have enough knowledge to help myself

 

That's the first thing.

Maybe I'll make a list

 

1. No more thinking

2. No more worrying

3. Own my flaws completely, they are completely mine and my responsibility to deal with. And that's the final word on that

4. Only think about myself and act in own best interests, even if that can be tricky and complicated to carry out in the right way

 

These are my only objectives

Other than the 3 goals I decided I want to be make for myself

[meoww]

Okay the hardest thing I'm going to do is to stop thinking

But I've got to do it.

 

For May, that is going to be my challenge.

 

This month I'm going to stop over thinking. I feel freer already from the pain that is causing me.

 

I give myself permission to stop thinking (in that way that feeds my issues)

[meoww]

I remember wayy wayy back when I was around 10 or so, or maybe even younger, the way I used to shut them out with a shrug because I knew they just weren't even in the same league of person as me

 

I need to get back to that mindset

 

I used to be so strong

 

So self aware even back then

It didnt even really bother me that much that they were weird

 

I didnt have to buy into their propaganda about giving them respect

 

All that did was tear my emotions and life apart

 

That's like having sympathy for nuclear bomb

 

So I came up with this thing

When I imagine them as undefeatable foes

 

I realize they are about as ridiculous and pathetic as Ronald McDonald and his sidekick the hamburglar

 

It's really strange that I'm making them seem so all powerful

 

When I clearly have the power

I have power

 

I don't know why I act like they have it now

As if I have really been defeated. As if I've really given up this time

[meoww]

I don't understand why I've only gotten worse trying to get better

 

Where is my spirit and my energy?

 

I'm afraid that girl has really died forever

[meoww]

I used to fight so hard for the truth... I get so sad thinking about what I've become

 

And how I let the scary clown lady have any kind of control over me emotionally

 

It just makes me so sad...

[meoww]

I don't think I can ever fight again..,I don't know if I have anything left in me anymore

 

I've never felt so sad in my life maybe

Because I lost all hope

 

I don't know who I am without a false sense of optimism

[meoww]

I just haven't been able to get over it once I faced the truth

 

I'm just so sad. I don't know how to get over it. Why I don't understand why it hurts so much..

[meoww]

I get so scared being normal that I just start to hate myself

 

Every time I start to feel normal it just takes over me

 

And I start to feel sooooo angry that there is no justice

 

I told myself Id own my emotions

 

But it's so hard to take the blame and keep taking the blame for something I never did....

 

I don't know how to stop it

[meoww]

I'm googling 'inner child is hurting me.'

 

I feel fractured right?

 

Maybe the best solution would be to make the inner child grow up

 

Get her to grow up

And then we can be one continuous person and I don't have to deal with all this painful fracturing

[meoww]

I made another video and I think she's like integrating into my curent self

 

I just kept telling myself

 

It's 2013

I'm not a little girl anymore

I'm an adult

I'm empowered

I'm not a little girl anymore

I have power

And I always have

 

It's not about doing things differently

It's about learning not to repeat the same mistakes from the past

Even if they're not even always my mistakes

 

It's about making the future better

[meoww]

I really believe she's coming into me now...

 

Like I can accept everything that has happened

 

And be myself, with everything that comes along with it.

 

Yeah I think it was time to integrate my inner child into who I am right now, today.

[meoww]

I felt very fractured

Like who I was as a kid, teenager, college student, and now are all completely different because they kind of are.... Unfortunately

 

Who I was before I was totally screwed up by them is closer to who I was as a kid and who I am now

 

The most difficult bridge to close now

 

Is the one between 20-23, to be honest

The most recent me

That girl makes no sense to me at all.

 

The girl I became when I met that guy...,

[meoww]

Who was she??

[meoww]

That's part of why I got my old laptop out and bothered to get a charger for it.

 

I thought it might give me some insight into who the hell that person was

 

But my stupid computers motherboard is broken I think

 

I have to go check

 

The most uncomfortable part of me is now the recent past

And I have to deal with her too

 

Not my inner child and spirit

Who is growing brighter

 

But that adult woman who seems like a stranger to me

I have to talk to her and figure out what is going on in her head...

[meoww]

That was the strangest evening...i feel so empty, in a good way. Like i went through yet another symbolic exorcism. I seriously can't comprehend it, but i feel purged.

 

I can't be empty forever though, i have to be a person. Lately ive been having a lot of weird dreams that im not in personally, like they are just stories i'm observing. The people in my dreams are also people i have never met before. But sometimes i still have modified versions of my reoccuring dream where i am on some kind of survival journey basically.

 

Trying to have nostalgia to cope but its like im constipated mentally. I cant paint false pictures of my past anymore, pretending that certain moments of my relationships were good...for example...but

 

I literally cant maintain the same level of fantasy life i used to!

 

I miss that so much...is it even normal for an adult to daydream and fantasize so much about worlds that dont even exist? I miss how that enriched my life.

 

This mundane ordinary stuff as magical as it seemed at first

So alien to what i used to know

It isnt enough to really make me happy in the long run.