My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

No no no cant go down that road either....because im just not wired that way. Im like a ****ing rabbit in a snakepit sometimes...****

[meoww]

I wonder if i would love inequality if i benefited from it more.

I really do try to put the interests of the group before my individual needs but all it does is bite me in the ass.

[meoww]

Yeah i cant be a little fluffy bunny rabbit all the time

That is not going to work, it never has

[meoww]

Thats the old me rearing its little innocent head again, i need her to just gtfo...

[meoww]

I love my inner turmoil..its so charming and productive.

 

Ok, i have be more jaded....or at least realistic!

My little peacenik side is only making me more vulnerable most of the time.

 

1. Trust no one, seriously

2. Take what you can get

3. Seize what you want by force (not like actual force)

4. Be crafty/cunning whatever dont get played like a fool

5. Dont waste your time on people who are mean and dont give anything back

6. You are number 1 in terms of needing protection

7. Never let anyone take away your rights

[meoww]

I just ate some farm fresh non sweetened yogurt and nearly puked

 

It tasted like a cow's feces

 

I don't know all animal products are seriously starting to creep me out!!

 

I don't think being vegan is all that healthy

 

But I hate the sight of raw meat, I don't like the look of raw eggs, and I'm started to be disgusted by milk and yogurt

 

What do I do?

[meoww]

Ok speaking of eating

 

I can definitely tell when I really like someone when I start fantasizing about watching them eat their favorite food.

 

Maybe that's a good way to know if I actually care about someone

[meoww]

But maybe not? Maybe I only want to watch them eat because I think it's cute, not like in a romantic way....I don't even know.

[meoww]

Yeah I guess there are ways of knowing,

 

Like if you start thinking about what makes somebody tick so to speak

 

If it puts a smile on your face to think about them getting excited about something

 

Or hearing some good news

Or just listening to music having a good time

 

But everyone seems more adorable in those moments

 

Sigh I'm never going to figure it out.

[meoww]

That's what I miss about being in a relationship, I miss making somebody else happy. I mean make other people happy all the time but they have no personal investment in me or anything. I miss having that connection with someone where they could actually appreciate you

 

Oh wait I've never had that hah

[meoww]

I just miss-or more accurately like the idea of-- having like a mutual fan club--where you support someone else, they support you back, are enthusiastic about you and want you to be happy, and appreciate the same from you.

 

I think I need that in my life!!

 

Ahhhh I just want to be that for somebody

And it's really that simple

 

That's what love isn't it?? And it is about just having affection for someone else and showing someone else that you just like having them around and seeing them at their best. It's like a certain kind of lifestyle choice, like choosing to have a garden or something. It's not just something anyone can do.

 

That is so weird I swear I have never had a remotely healthy view of relationships but now it is starting to make a lot of sense. This is unlike anything I have experienced before and it's definitely nothing like how my family ever worked.

 

I need to find myself a nice guy. Hopefully I'll get lucky sometime soon.

[meoww]

I feel like the queen of insights into dysfunction, or particular kind of dysfunction in the world...

 

I want to be the one of the illuminated people who knows the wisdom of health and true fulfillment.

[meoww]

While i accomplished one part of my April challenge, forgiveness. But i wonder if i failed on the anxiety front.

I'm still vibrating on a the wrong frequency, I can just tell.

 

Maybe there really is no disease worse than a sickness of the mind...because even if your body is being devoured by a parasite or something, at least you can see normally, feel normally, well, not really though.

 

It is just an insidious thing though. You never know when you have achieved the high prize of normal functioning.

There is always the possibility of some dark corner of your mind rotting away somewhere, contaminating and weakening something, holding you back in some way.

 

I guess i have to look at it more holistically. Some people are born with a deformed limb, but as a whole, their system still works very well. Some people can even perform remarkably well with their supposed limitations and flaws.

 

Yeah i can definitely get through this.

[meoww]

Well, i guess ive been changing myself based on a series of inferences and guesses, it makes sense to continue doing the same thing, carrying out this painful and uncertain task, wondering why something so simple is so hard for me.

 

So ill just try to be what is positive and healthy.

[meoww]

I used to resist it strongly, because i didn't want to be told how to be happy. Why did being happy mean we all did the same thing? but i realize no one really does the same thing even if there part of a similar community. There are a lot of things i dont quite understand yet but I am trusting that ill figure it out eventually.

 

I was afraid of everything i'd missed up to this point. There was a lot i had invested into deciding i knew was right for me even if it didn't make me happy and made me feel very alienated.

 

It makes less and less sense to me even if i can go back and trace my mindset through the years with ease, understanding where i made a lot of changes and the events and people and books and things that changed me.

 

I don't get myself and why I would ever choose to be unhappy!

It is just so so so so so weird. Just the weirdest thing in all of this, even weirder than my family. While they make no sense at all to me at this point, i dont get how i made any of those choices even when i was brainwashed,

 

I mean how can anyone even be brainwashed to that extent.? I just hope someday that will make sense to me.....

 

Its just the scariest thing in the world when you dont even know how unhappy you are.

Most of my life has only been like that.

There was always so much missing and I didnt even know.

How terrifying. I hope thats not happening to me now. Because if that is true, id rather be dead.

[meoww]

I guess becoming happy takes a lot of self control and self discipline. It takes time, resources, and energy. It is definitely a serious task.

[meoww]

Maybe im not super anxious anymore because i am able to get at more of the core of the things that are bothering me. Instead of trying to cope with things that dont make me happy, i eliminate or change them, this makes me way less anxious,

 

Anxiety--you know maybe it really is now. Im like haunted by past anxiety but its not what it used to be at all. Im exhausted but that not anxiety.

 

My muscles are relaxed, my thoughts are not racing like they used to.

 

I don't think or make endless lists of all the things i should be doing. Lol i just made a list but it wasnt an anxious, long, freaked out one.

 

Maybe ive entered into a new phase with a new problem to tackle.

 

I dont just sit around thinking, i wish i wasnt here, i wish i could change everything, i wish i was 10 so that id have time to change everything about my life. I dont do that anymore...so

 

Maybe i have to deal with the new challenges

[meoww]

New challenges

 

After removing the elements that aided in paralyzing me with fear and sadness, now the real work can begin.

 

Like, who am i? What do i like?

 

Because i really dont know anything about myself or my desires. It is time to find out. And i cant be afraid, its just life and that is just what it is. This is my own personal responsibility and task in the world.

[meoww]

Ok so now i think i have to make some concrete goals.

[meoww]

This is the part i dont know how to proceed with. Do i make a bunch of ambitious goals, do i stick to one at a time but feel like its not enough and get frustrated about it? Do i make a bunch of goals that ultimately lead to more unhappiness for me?

 

I guess ill just start arbitrarily with three.

 

3 things i want to learn, 3 things that will challenge me and change me and help me grow.

I need to think about what i want those 3 goals to be. Thats my jumping off point.

[meoww]

Okay im still thinking about those goals

 

But i think i have an amazing idea

Haha i am such a freak

 

This is going to be my morning routine. Except i dont want to go jogging or exercise every day, just like 3-4 times a week.

Until i feel better anyway...then ill think of something new

 

Get up

 

1.) stretch, get some exercise

2.) read my individual bill of rights!!! Eventually i want to memorize it and say it to myself

3.) meditate for 10-15 minutes

4.) do one thing/ work on a project that will improve me as a person (30 minutes or so)

5.) check the news

6.) look at something beautiful and think about it for a while

 

 

Bed time routine

Get ready for bed, brush teeth, wash face, get comfortable

 

1.) read my individual bill of rights

2.) do some relaxation/visualization etc

3.) read fiction or listen to classical

4.) affirmations, gratitude, visualize a good dream

[meoww]

Need to put this in here so that I don't forget...

 

If and when you need to talk about HER...

 

How I think it was easier for her to get away with how she was treating me because she was always moving from one country to the other. Since I only saw her part of the year, no one had any idea what she was truly like, including me. So I could try to pretend to live as a normal person as long as she was gone and that gave me a false sense of security, safety, and worst of all a false sense of control over my life decisions and emotional state. She was just like this shadow to everyone else, this quiet nice lady who was socially awkward but ultimately harmless. although that makes me shudder to think anyone could think she was even remotely ok. I mean, people don't show who they really are in public, especially not the worst people who have the most to hide.

 

So then she come and wreak havoc on my life in a very disruptive, irregular but constant way and I didn't have anyone to turn to about it. And I didn't know she was just as abusive as my father. Or to be honest lol

I feel I didn't know how good I had it with him.

He was a total *******, what a funny word but it just came to mind.

He was bitter, he hated anyone who made him insecure,

 

But he kind of let me have friends, he kind of let me have dreams, he was insanely jealous and weird about my boyfriends and he was very pathetic and odd, but ugh

 

She was so much worse, unleashing her fury and madness in a way I have never seen anyone else act. She was just so out of control,

 

And my father in his childishness and narcissism didnt really think about how that would affect me.

 

I mean, a good parent would card if every 2 months a violent scary lady would come and hit and yell at their kid all the time. That's totally weird. It never occurred to him that this was a disaster, because he was so often exactly the same way, emotinally retarded.

 

I don't know why it is so hard for people to realize there are adults like this, and children who have to figure out a way to deal with these adults who are not at all normal.

 

It is very unfair that the abusers have credibility in any situation when if there was a hidden camera, any person could see how out of control and non adult like they are.

 

How for a long time I had always resisted, tried to live a normal life instead of becoming her prisoner the way she wanted me to, so I never knew how to make the abuse stop. Until I was in dire straits and realized, hey, if I never go out, I never talk to anybody but her, and I stay in room and don't do anything, she doesn't become this frightening, aggressive, angry, histrionic person. But no one can stay locked up in a room, made to live a filthy environment while some crazy lady takes pleasure in humiliating you and pretending its all your fault.

 

I never knew that, because I believed if I could make her happy she'd stop her abuse and love me, so I always tried to stay positive, hoping things would change, which turned out to be my biggest weakness and most naive decision. I only realized how bad she was when I had to go home in 2010.

 

The more I understand how much easier and comfortable life is in this century, the most I understand why someone as out of touch with their emotions as my narcissistic mother would be resentful and jealous of their own child.

 

I mean, people are making their dreams come true on an unprecedented scale.

 

I see it everywhere around me

 

No one she didnt want me to be part of that. She didnt want me to have the piece of mind that comfort and relative wealth can give you, the way it pads your emotions, makes you feel like you can achieve anything

 

But despite her treatment of me, I'm still a product of my time and I guess she can't take that away from me.

This my story, this is the true truth, not her diseased and wishful thinking narration of my story.

 

It's over but I don't know how to make her take responsibility for it

 

We all want to justice even when it isn't possible

Sometimes justice is more unattainable than achieving your dreams.

[meoww]

Here's a little note to the people who say living well is the best justice or revenge...

 

People live well around the world, in great number, but in comparison how many people or criminals actually repent for the horrible crimes they have committed? You can live well and still want justice more than anything but you can't make somebody own up to their mistakes. That trade off shouldn't even exist in the first place, that old saying is just a way to repress the feeling of being taken advantage of.

 

With some people, all you have to do is lock them up, humiliate them socially in some way, basically they get caught. Suddenly they have no choice but to deal with their cognitive dissonance.

 

But what about the criminals that can hide in the cracks of society, pretending to be something they're not?

 

We all know people like that. I guess I take comfort in that.

 

Hypocrisy is vile and one of the worst ways to perpetuate evil. Like they say, the devil's greatest trick isn't convincing you he doesn't exist.

 

So that's why it is hard to let go when a true hypocrite and liar makes you their victim.

 

You just wonder how the system and rules of society make it more convenient for them to get away with ruining other people.

 

At least I can do my part to make sure that this kind of insidious evil is stamped out. I guess there are many kinds of evil.

[meoww]

That's a good reminder. I guess that's the point of the saying. It's a way of resigning yourself to the fact that there is never any justice

 

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind right?

[meoww]

So then when it comes to family

I'm just going to not have any expectations, by none I mean zero. I will always except the absolute worst, because who knows maybe someday she really could snap as an old woman and really come try to kill me or my kids or something. Never underestimate bad people because the more good you think they are capable of doing, the more they'll let you down or flagrantly hurt you.