Natasha24 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 (This is my first "dating relationship" since my 7 year LTR, sorry if this is a stupid question!) How long should you be dating someone before you become a couple/boyfriend/girlfriend? I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months, 5 or 6 big dates/sleepovers (once every two weeks), we get along great in almost every way. He said he likes to take things slow before making it official, which is fine by me. He always talks about how we would make a great couple, he could see us being together for a long time, etc etc. I've made it clear that I want to be official with him, so it's not like he fears rejection at this point. I'm just wondering what is the norm here? I know people will say it's different for each person, but I want to know at what point I'm being strung along. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Honestly, after like a month, if a guy doesn't at least bring up exclusivity, I'd back off. And if I had a sleep over, the gf speech should come within a week or two. I've never had anything different. I'd def be thrown off... BUT everyone is different. If he's into you and you know it, don't sweat a couple of words. Link to comment
RedDress Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Well... these days, there seems to be a difference between exclusivity and being a couple. Personally? I always ask for exclusivity before any sleepovers. I don't want my guy having sex with multiple people while I am having sex with him. I just don't think it's healthy... Unfortunately, if you don't specify that you want to be exclusive, you are more than likely not and there is a high probability that he is sleeping with others. And then... why should he make it exclusive? Following the exclusivity and sex, there is less urgency to make it to "couple"-dom. If he wants to take 3 or even 6 months to introduce me to people and start having bf/gf expectations, I am a-ok with that. I guess... what are you hoping to achieve with that label? What does that label mean to you? If he currently, technically sleep with other people and he's not making moves to tie it down? You are in strange territory for me... I've tried it (once)... and it didn't work. It ended up being a FWB relationship. Link to comment
diamond78 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 For me, it can be anywhere from 2-4 months. Anything after 4 months would make me think the guy isn't really serious about me and still keeping his options open. I've never let a dating situation linger that long though. Link to comment
Hoagy Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I would say 2 months is long enough to know whether you want to give it a shot and be a couple or move on with other people. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted June 3, 2012 Author Share Posted June 3, 2012 Just to be clear, we do sexual things but we're not having sex. I told him we won't have sex until we're "official". I know it's a pretty thin line since we're already doing other things, but oh well. We agreed not to fool around with other people (but I know he could be). Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 My general sense was about two months (or less). My husband and I were official right away since we got back together - the first time around that we dated it was less than 2 months, probably closer to a month. But we waited 5 months before the "real" sleepover ;-) Link to comment
RedDress Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Just to be clear, we do sexual things but we're not having sex. I told him we won't have sex until we're "official". I know it's a pretty thin line since we're already doing other things, but oh well. We agreed not to fool around with other people (but I know he could be). Oh ok. Well... at one point you/he are going to want to "break the seal". LOL! I think this situation is going to take care of itself as the desire for sex becomes unbearable... I wouldn't sweat it too much... one of you will break soon and it will become clear if he's still trying to decide or just dilly-dallying... Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 For me, exclusive before sleeping together. Definitely! Link to comment
-Sanguine- Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 For me, it's always been within at least a month. I think for most people that's very soon, but it has always felt right for me. With my ex, it was 4 weeks, , and with my current boyfriend, we waited two weeks to become official. I guess for me it is the fact that I would never date more than one person at once so I don't see what the point in waiting is. With all the men who I've been exclusive with I have always felt a very strong connection and knew it could be a great relationship and they've felt the same. I don't like the whole "what are we" way of thinking and I don't see the harm in putting a label on it so you're not questioning it. I always wonder why people do all the actions of being in a relationship but don't call the other person their boyfriend or girlfriend. It boggles my mind. Plus, I would not sleep with someone unless we are in an exclusive relationship. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 Sorry to dig up an old thread like this, but I have another question. It's getting close to 3 months with this guy, and nothing's happened. We talked about being official again the other day, and he said "There's something that's making me want to wait to be official. I don't know what it is, but something's telling me not to do it yet". I have no idea what to make of this. I know he likes me, I don't think he's using me or "stringing me along" while he dates other people. But I'm getting tired of waiting, 3 months feels like a long time with no commitment. I have met his friends and his family, we have spent full weekends together so we know we get along well - what's left to wait for? Is this excuse of "Something's telling me to wait" a red flag for anyone? I don't know what to think at this point. I'm starting to feel like a fool for hanging around so loyally. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I think you should date others and take your time. Give him as much commitment as he gives you. If he cares about you and wants you to be his gf, that should give the push he needs. If not, you're now seeing other quality men who would be happy to be in his place. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Pink elephant is right. I would start getting busy with your own life rather than wondering where you stand with this guy. Right now he's in a position of power because he is withholding something that he knows you want. Table that "what are we" conversation. This one ain't ready to have it. I would knock him off balance a bit. Start dating others. Remain receptive to him, and happy when you hear from him, but give him plenty of space so that he doesn't fear being trapped in a cage. Then - he'll set off to trap you in his. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I actually tried this when I talked to him about this a month ago, and it didn't turn out well. He thought I was "threatening" him when I suggested we take a step back and continue dating others. I worry if I say that again, he'll feel like I'm playing games. I don't want to play games, I don't want to "threaten" him, I just don't want to be wasting my time. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Well in a way that's his keeping you under his thumb while he "figures everything out". Which really isn't fair to you is it? Exclusivity without commitment really ins't fair to women, because while you can't date others you're not getting what you want from the one you ARE dating exclusively. Psh - whatever. You're not threatening him if you follow up your talk with action. You're just living your life and putting yourself first. Which is an attractive quality to ANY man. Up and until you are a in a committed relationship, you are a free agent, sister, and don't let any dude guilt you into feeling otherwise. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I agree with Madi. You should follow your words with actions. That's rude of him to say, because if he isn't up to be a bf, you should be allowed to consider other options. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 That IS a red flag, especially when he won't tell you what the "something" is. I don't think it sounds like he's screwing around behind your back, but it sounds more like he's a commitment-phobe. Are you still not having sex? Just wondering, I actually agree with not having sex until he agrees to be exclusive with you. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 That IS a red flag, especially when he won't tell you what the "something" is. I don't think it sounds like he's screwing around behind your back, but it sounds more like he's a commitment-phobe. Are you still not having sex? Just wondering, I actually agree with not having sex until he agrees to be exclusive with you. I made a joke the other day about him being a commitment-phone, but he said he isn't. All his previous relationships were 1-3 years, so I don't think he's afraid of commitment. I just don't get why he's holding off. We're still not having sex. It's really difficult to be honest, but I feel like this is the only thing that's going to make him want to be official - because in all other ways, we already are. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 If you think that he needs to be refused sex in order to be motivated to be with you in a serious relationship I hope you have a really strong stomach and high level of confidence once you decide to have sex with him - because won't you worry what will motivate him to stay official once you have sex with him? I don't think he's necessarily a commitmentphobe -he may simply want to keep his options open in case someone else turns his head so that if that happens he can act on it and remind you that it's not actually cheating. I would avoid making excuses to yourself about "official" just being a "title". I don't think you feel that way (I sure don't) and that also might send confusing messages to him as in "what's the big deal, it's just a title" which can go both ways. And definitely consider other options if he's not willing to be your boyfriend. Link to comment
alwaysmoving Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Eh, he sounds like a player. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 Thanks for the replies everyone. I still really like him and I hope we can be official soon, but for now, I'm going to slowly start meeting guys again. I don't want to end up wasting my time. Thanks again! Link to comment
diamond78 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Sorry to dig up an old thread like this, but I have another question. It's getting close to 3 months with this guy, and nothing's happened. We talked about being official again the other day, and he said "There's something that's making me want to wait to be official. I don't know what it is, but something's telling me not to do it yet". I have no idea what to make of this. You should have nipped that in the bud right away. I would have said something like "Oh. Well, when you feel you are finally ready to make things official then give me a call, but until then I won't just sit here and wait for you to finally determine that I am good enough to be in a relationship with" And it would be wrap. Focus on other things in my life and put myself back on the dating scene. I had a good friend who got caught up in something like this. The guy kept stalling on making it official. This went on for 6-7 months of 'dating' and then eventually it ended because she found out he had started dating another female because they had never made things official. When a guy hasn't made things official after a few months, it means he is still keeping his options open. I know you like this guy, but you need to love yourself more and put a timestamp on this dating game. You seem to have the right attitude about all this. You'll know what to do. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I made a joke the other day about him being a commitment-phone, but he said he isn't. All his previous relationships were 1-3 years, so I don't think he's afraid of commitment. I just don't get why he's holding off. We're still not having sex. It's really difficult to be honest, but I feel like this is the only thing that's going to make him want to be official - because in all other ways, we already are. Maybe he's been burned in the past from his last relationship.. but I'm starting to think he IS interested in someone else too or just playing the field. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 Maybe he's been burned in the past from his last relationship.. but I'm starting to think he IS interested in someone else too or just playing the field. His last relationship (2 years) ended because he cheated on her. Not drunk, no reason, no excuse. Just cheated on her. He genuinely seemed like he felt horrible about it, but still.. It's funny how there can be all these red flags right infront of your face, but you don't notice them until someone makes you write them all down and read them. I like him a lot and I think I've been ignoring some of these issues. I'm going to keep seeing other guys and take this guy very casually.. I'm starting to feel a little weary about him, regardless of how much I like him. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I'm starting to not like this guy at all for you. Link to comment
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