I am scum

[Gunther]

I have no doubt that I will be banned for what I am about to say here, If I don't I will have irreparably damaged my reputation here, it is probably totaly out of the depression I am in that I dictate this to you here at the forums.

 

All be it I am 15, I can no longer deny that I am nothing more than a sleezy pedophile. Although I have tried to justify this to myself countless times, I can't lie to myself anymore. I am simply a bad person. I make this post to you now in desperation. I am at an impasse, my pride will not let me tell ANYONE in person of my dilemma, but my will is not strong enough to resist.

 

To clarify a few choice things to you all, may I elaborate that I have NEVER touched a real child in any inappropraite manner what so ever. However, I have looked up and ejaculated to child pornography. Perhaps I am one of the few who truly deserves death above all else. Yet I am such a coward I can not end it myself so that I may die with what few shreds of honor I have remaining.

 

The question has probably arisen by now "why are you telling me this?". The answere: I can no longer live this lie, there you are every passing day of my life so oblivious to what I have done, and like the beating of the insidious heart it simply drove me to the brink of madness.

 

I await the responses of which are to come. I must say I regret what I have done and will do, and that I will always be sorry, but may never find an answere. And if requested by mods I will not return to these forums. I dont know how I can get passed this but hopefully someone here can help.

[Empathy]

I cannot identify with you on this particular subject but I can tell you that this does not make you a bad person. Everyone has their own fantasies. Some are accepted by society and others aren't. What makes you different from the pedophile scum that's out there is you don't act on those fantasies (thereforeeee you are not pedophile scum). As long as you suppress any urges you may feel to act out you are not a bad person. It is understandable that you cannot help what you are attracted to. For instance, why are my favorite colors red and black? The fact that you know it's wrong also speaks volumes about who you really are. You are not scum. Just remember to keep your thoughts as thoughts only. You are also still young. This could be a phase that you could possibly out grow. If you do ever feel the urge to realize these fantasies then you're really going to have to swallow your fears and seek out professional help. I hope I have been successful in helping you out even if it was only a little. If you ever need to talk about this, please feel free to pm me.

[ayekasong]

At 15, you are still a child yourself. You are not scum, actually I find it quite admirable that you are able to admit you have a problem and need help, at the risk of "ruining your reputation."

 

If you really want to get over this, there are ways. I am almost 100% that counseling could help you get over this, if not shed some light on your situation.

 

We all have less than perfect traits. Admitting you have a problem does not make you scum. It is the first and most important step to recovering.

[sonjam]

Empathy, you obvioulsy don't have kids of your own. OCS Virus, stay away from kids, fantasies are very easy to act out, given the right place and the right time - agreed, some people have weird fantasies etc, for instance bondage, or foot fetishes, but there is nothing illegal about these, and they are quite readilly accepted by society. YOURS is NOT. Get help....ummm, and stay away from (my) any kids....

[Empathy]

It would be safe to say that I have no kids of my own since I am only 19. But just because I don't have children does not mean that I don't understand. But, as I said before, he cannot help that he has these attractions. I never directly said that it was OK. I'm just simply trying to make him realize that he is not scum as long as he doesn't act on his thoughts. I don't believe a man should be persecuted for his thoughts, only his actions. In the end, that's what truly dictates who is good and who is bad. You're making it seem as if I encouraged him to take action on these fantasies. No, I do not encourage that. I thought I made that clear.I'm sincerely sorry if I didn't. And I think that telling him to stay away from YOUR kids was unnecessary. He's here to get help, not to be mocked.

[Gunther]

huh, sonjam, fear not for the children. I would not touch them, they are in no danger. I've lived by small children for about three years, I have not been tempted by them. It is the damned internet that gets my attention, perhaps it is time I disconnect myself. Empathy thankyou for your words of encouragement, they mean a lot to me. Personaly I did not think this post would generate so much attention so late into the night. Perhaps you are out of country but still the surprise is well met.

[Bjourne]

Sorry dude, at 15 you are not a pedophile. Most people doesn't know what a pedophile is and I guess that is why you feel so guilty and will get so many hostile replies here. A pedophile is an ADULT that is sexually attracted to CHILDREN. Now what I will write next, will get me millions of flames and probably make me banned too: It is not illegal to be a pedophile.

 

....

 

However, it is illegal to sexually assault and to have sex with children. That is, unless you are also a child. Well, sexual assault is a crime anyway you look at it. It is ok to fantasise about anything cause your fantasies are not anyone elses business. It is not ok to act on those fantasies.

 

But you are only 15, a kid yourself, so your fantasies are not pedophilia. Because when you are 15, it is pretty damn normal to be attracted to other 15 year old children. Even 13 year olds and maybe 12 year olds too. When you get older, if you still like "undeveloped" girls, then you are a pedophile, but not now.

[Gunther]

Bjorne, I realize what a pedophile is, and yet I am still afraid, as 15 is not for off from what the law considers to be a man. What I experience is unnatural, although I will not go into detail I can safley say I have viewed children of ages much less than you have stated. If it were just the 13 and up range, I would not be concerned. Thankyou for your reply just the same, it is most helpfull.

[sonjam]

|OCS|Virus , disconnecting yourself from the internet won't help! You will only be cutting yourself off from the rest of the world too. I sincerely hope you will try and get help. I do believe the kids are safe, but given time, who knows... I don't believe you are inherently bad, but these fantasies are not healthy!

 

There is a reason why this kind of thing is illegal, even just to look at it on the internet... remember you might not be touching my child, but somoene elses child is being violated, for your pleasure of looking at it.....

[asdf]

dude, you're not scum. it's a bit disturbing that you're sexually attracted to little kids, but i'm sure it's natural for some people to, who don't act out on it.

 

you're not in control of the way you feel about something. you are in control of your actions. there's the difference

 

you've got the guts to admit it to people. you're not scum.

[sprkal]

The problem is, as someone else said, your 'fetish' is not one that is looked upon kindly by our society. And of course, why should it. In Australia at least, it is illeagle to purchase images of child pornography.

 

I suggest you see a councillor - preferably one who might specialise in sexual matters. They will treat you in confidence, I would assume - just as long as you haven';t broken any laws.

 

Also, get rid of everything on your computer. Buy a new one if need be, and invest in one of those 'Net Nanny's', have the computer stop you from accessing these sites if you cannot yet do it yourself.

 

You'll get there, you have taken the first step in admitting this problem. This shows that you are not scum.

 

Sprkal

[avman]

If you've got the guts to admit it, then you can be helped. I'm certainly not going to ban someone for asking for help.

 

I agree with the others, please tell a counselor about what you are feeling. Then you can get some treatment - before you actually do something that would cause a problem.

[hazlcha]

Sounds to me that you're bigger challenge is a developing sex-addiction, which currently leads you to underage pictures. There are two things going on. One is the need to seek instant gratification through porn, and the other is the particular kind of porn you look at.

 

Addictions are no fun, the person who has one really feels that they have no control over themselves, and then hate themselves in the morning, calling themselves some of the names you used on yourself.

 

Here's the great news in all this. You are only 15 - you are at a great age to change yourself now. I know people who never thought they had an addiction, just thought they were "bad," for years and years. Once they realized it was hardly different from drugs or alcohol, they knew they could be "cured." Because people recover from those addictions. My mother did.

 

So here's a important understanding and suggestion for you to do:

 

Addictions are almost completely caused by emotions, by not being able to cope with stress. 15 year olds have a lot of stress. When you're stressed, you feel rotten, so you find some habit that replaces the stress with excitement, energy, or whatever emotion you need to cope. Unfortunately, not everyone learns how to healthily deal with stress (e.g. exercise, music, etc..). Some turn to drugs, some to porn. I wouldn't be as concerned about what you look at as I would concentrate on the fact that porn is your addiction.

 

The suggestion is, then, to locate, even on the internet, a program that deals with sex addiction (while searching, I found this site, (link removed). At the same time, finding a counselor would be so important, so if you can, do.

 

So what I'm saying is, there's good news and other news. You are not a bad person, and not a pedophile at all. However you are battling an addiction, and these battles are being won by more and more people. You will too, so get started today, and be patient. It takes time, but you're so smart for posting this and reaching out. Good for you.

[sonjam]

That link is broken, here is the updated one...link removed

[bored]

try this...stop jerkin off and go get a girl ( no lil kids ) why watch porn if u can get some real action

 

and bout the scum part...well ur still young theres tons of kids thinkin wat ur thinkin..they just never admit it...personally i wouldnt get too carried away..once u get married and got ur own kids u gonna see things differently...if not then god help ur neighbours kids

[Mr Mister1]

I don't really have much to add that hasn't already said but I think you are to be applauded for coming here and admiting you have a problem. It's almost always the case, when people do bad things that they have a problem as opposed to just being evil and deserving to be killed or whatever.

It must have taken a lot of courage to come here and tell us about your problem, like everyone else I agree you should seek professional help. If you do and you can overcome this problem you will have stoped some children from being abused.

[OldGuy]

I started to write this as a PM to |OCS|Virus. Because I am taking a much larger chance of getting myself booted out of here than he is.

 

First you can be a pedophile from the age of 15, it can be a sexual orientation, and it can cause you a lot of problems.

 

I know this because I have had this problem since I was 15 or 16. I am now 49 and it has never gone away. Actually what I suffer from is a slightly different condition called ephebophilia. But few people know or care about the difference.

 

I am happily married to a woman a few years older than I am. I have a grown daughter, and a 10-year-old granddaughter, and I would kill a man that touched her.

 

But still, in just the last couple of months this thing raised its ugly head and kicked my butt for weeks. It can interfere in my sex life; it can interfere in my relationship with other children and it can make me discussed with myself. I even have avoided seeing my own granddaughter nude because of the risk.

 

I genuinely like young people. My wife and I run a couples group that includes some young people and I enjoy talking to them about starting out in their lives together. But I still need to avoid children most of the time. And that hurts a lot, because besides this problem, I really like kids.

 

So, some general advise in dealing with this.

 

First remember that you can never, NEVER act on the fantasies without hurting the person you would like to love, possibly in a way they can never recover from. If you think about that it makes minding your manners easier.

 

Don't look at child porno, it can get you in just about as much trouble as messing with a child. It's not going to make you feel better. And the kids that are in those pictures were really hurt by them being taken.

 

Spend a lot of time working on your self-image. A lot of this is rooted in power and control issues and it can help a lot if you can get so that you feel in control in social situations. Your best bet for a happy life is to force yourself, now, to do hard things. Deal with adults in adult situations about adult issues as often as you can. Ask girls for a date, go out with people your own age or older as often as you can. Don't get drunk or mess with drugs.

 

Find something physical you like about women and think about that instead. Breasts, butts, feet. Just be sure you think about grown women when you do. (For the women who are offended, I am sorry.)

 

Finally, I hate to say this, but be careful about seeking professional help. This is the one sexual condition that our society cannot tolerate. And any professional is just as likely to try and "do something about you" as they are to try and help you. You will often have to be brave and fight this alone.

 

Oh, and you're not scum and neither am I, we're just put together a little different than we should be.

 

Please, if you want to talk, contact me.

[avman]

Guys it takes a lot of courage to admit that. For anyone who may be reading this and does not want to post publicly, please contact me privately and I will assist you in finding some help. I do not agree that a professional will "do something about you". If you know you need help, then its available. Its when you know you need help, you don't get it, and then you act on those impulses that there are serious consequences.

[lunatic]

Wow! I have been following this thread since this morning and I salute you guys for publicly admitting you have a problem. The first step of any problem is admitting it exists. *BRAVO* I am thankful that I don't have these urges but, I respect your honesty and bravery.

 

Seeking help is a good idea and no your not alone I am sure of this. I agree with Avman about the professionals being there to help. If your admit there is something wrong and you want help in coping. Why would they do anything to harm you if you already see a problem. Go seek help guys it is never too late too. What ever you do NEVER EVER ACT OUT YOUR FANTASIES!!!!

 

Good luck,

Hubman 8)

[Gunther]

Thankyou for your replies, they are truly appreciated. I will go to the site suggested in page 3, but if anything I know two things: 1. I will never touch a child in a sexual manner. 2. I will never talk to anyone in person about this. Not because I fear prosecution, but rather because I am deeply embarased by my problem. But that does not mean that I can't look for help in other ways. Perhaps I will one day move on from this. But for now, I will start with that web site. thanks, anymore replies will be usefull.

[i_hate_the_world47]

I think you should get some professional help.Even though i dont have much advice,i just want to say ou have alot of courage to tell this to everyone.

 

~Meagan~

[VainExistence]

I agree with empathy and the lady with kids also, I dont think you should start out telling him what a screw up and perv he is..but i also am in no agreeance with him or his fantasies, it is wrong to think that way, actions (like this/rape) more often then not begin w/ a thought or a fantasy..i think you should get help immediately, but i do not think you are scum, please get help, dont be embarrassed, you should in fact be proud of yourself for being able to admit that you have a problem...i think if anyone has anything negative to say you should just hold back, it is not your place ot judge ANYONE on here or anywhere, if you are trying to help him thats great but if not, i feel bad for anyone who thinks they are great enough to get on here and point the finger...

[xbox_modding_freak]

discussed with myself. I even have avoided seeing my own granddaughter nude because of the risk.

 

 

Erm who does?

 

U need help man before u harm some1 and end up ni jail...I don't want that to happen to anyone so please do something about it

 

-XmF

[hockeywarrior10]

i agree with Empathy onthis subject, u are not scum, this is probaly just a phase, im prety sure ur not under a dictatorship, so u dont need 2 worry about wat people say about ur thoughts. whenever i feel myself getting worked up in a sport, like and opposing team is pissin me off, i get away, like on the bench say, and slowly breath. consentrate on ur head being suspended in air, focus ur energy into the center of ur body for total balance. this is to calm u. try it may help. but dont try to do someing rash because other people say some thing is wrong. and by the way sonjam, i really dont think he is going 2 b anywhere NEAR ur kids! i kno u speek 4 all parents on this matter but it seems like |OCS|Virus is able to control himself, i kno if i was a parent i would be kinda worried too, but im sure |OCS|Virus, u r goning 2 b fine!

[OldGuy]

Erm who does?

 

U need help man before u harm some1 and end up ni jail...I don't want that to happen to anyone so please do something about it

 

-XmF

 

Xbox,

 

While I appreciate your concern, someday you will learn that there things a man does not do, simply because he is not supposed to do them. Just as there are things a man does just because he is supposed to do them. People don't always need help to manage their demons, sometimes they only need to know what demons they have.

 

I am afraid I don't know what Erm means.

 

As for my grand-daughter, when she was born came home from the hospital to my house, so I bathed her in a sink and changed her dirty diapers. Now she is 10 and she only visits us. But when she's in the shower and asked grandpa to bring her a towel, grandpa sends grandma.