unanimous123 Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Hi there, I am in a relationship with someone for ten months and we live under one roof. What concerns me is her "drinking habit", her friends always come over she drinks with them almost everyday. Just a few drinks on the weekdays, and on weekends, I sh*t you not, it's a freakin' drinking marathon. Now, I've raised this concern with her a few times and she used not to drink on the weekdays, just on weekends because according to her she's just having fun hanging out with friends at the comfort of our own home. So anyway, I've raised this issue because I am seriously worried about our health (yes, "our" because I drink with her for the sake of trying to socialize), but recently she's back to drinking on the weekdays and we keep arguing over the same thing, she blurted out that she'd rather be single than fight all the time. I know there are serious long term effects, especially for women since they get affected with alcohol more. Now, I know that there are also benefits to drinking, but with the way it is now and considering the frequency, I think there is more harm than good in it, health-wise and relationship-wise. Am I wrong to try to control her drinking and keep it on a minimum? What do i do? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I think your concerns are valid and reasonable. However, you can't force her to do anything. If she wants to drink a lot, she will. To be honest, she sounds like a budding alcoholic. Do you really want to live with one? If she minimizes the situation and dismisses your concerns, she will not get better and will just drink more, despite what you say. She doesn't care. This is more than a "bad habit". Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 yeah, tbh, I am caught between a rock and a very hard place, because I know for a fact that I love her...I just don't like her anymore, and it's making me sad and beyond helpless. If the situation was reversed and I was the one on her place, I would try my best to keep it at minimum, knowing that it is affecting someone I love. With everything happening now, I can't help but start to question her love for me. Link to comment
EQIQ Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 You should take a stance by not drinking yourself first of all, at least not overdoing it. That shows you are serious about what you say. Second, if you are against her drinking habits, and she prefers drinking to being with you, your options are pretty clearly laid out. I wouldn't talk to her about it anymore. I would simply make a stance, not drink with her anymore. And analyze her actions/act accordingly. My last point... I think most people would disagree with me... but if she continues doing do, I would lower her on my priority list. Why spend time with her in these events with HER friends if they do stuff that makes you upset? Just go out with your own friends, go do stuff you like, and ditch her a bit. Make her feel like her position as your gf, and your love for her is not as certain as she thinks it is. Make her feel like her position is threatened. You don't need to have a tough conversation with her to do this... just... organize an outing with your friends, the day that her friends are coming over, and DITCH. If you are always there for her, and even support her in stuff that you are telling her that you don't agree with, it will just make you look weak, and put her in total dominance of the relationship. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 You're oh so right! that's what I'll absolutely do... For her to see how serious I am on this issue, I won't drink with her anymore come hell or high water. and yeah, I think it's about time that we give each other space, I think. Thanks! Link to comment
superfan Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I have lived with two different family members who were/are alcoholics and this is definitely the pattern of behavior. Instead of taking your concerns seriously or acknowledging a problem they become angry, confrontational and refuse to compromise. People have this image of an alcoholic as being somebody who sits and drinks alone all the time and while that can certainly be the case, it isn't always. An alcoholic is anybody who addicted to alcohol. Ask yourself this: in your heart of hearts, could she give up drinking for good? Or is it something that she HAS to do. She claims it is something she does "to be social", but is she capable of having these social interactions without booze? If the answer is no (and it sounds like from what you said it is), then you need to realize that she is indeed an alcoholic and she is refusing to admit to the fact or even validate your concerns. You can't control what she does and if she herself is refusing to see what she is doing as a problem, then it is up to you to make a decision. You said youself that she in effect said that she would rather be single than "continue fighting" that is her way of putting the problem on you. What she is REALLY saying is that she would rather be single than give up drinking. Honestly I would sit her down and have one more talk. But draw a line in the sand and say that if she can't give up her habit, then she gives up you. Do you want to be with someone who is going to drink herself to death? And whatever you do, don't match her drinking in order to be "social". You are putting your health at risk for stupid reasons. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Maybe she's not right for you? Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 @tvnerdgirl: I agree. Right now, since I met her, I don't appreciate the value of partying or celebrating where alcoholic drinks are served because it has become somewhat a routine. It's hard to accept the fact that I am losing someone I deeply love over alcohol. On the other hand, I think she is indeed an alcoholic because I asked her if she wants to work out our relationship, she said "yes", and when I asked her why she can't sacrifice minimizing (I'm trying to be so understanding here and I'm not even asking her to totally give up drinking) her intake and the frequency which she drinks alcohol, she said she doesn't know why... Yes, I am planning to do something else to distract myself when she drinks with her friends. @ 2-sided coin: she just refuses to compromise, that's where the problem lies... Link to comment
RFB Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 How old are you? I drank like a fish when I was in my twenties and hanging with my friends. Cut way down as I got older and responsibilities and career became more important. Just because she parties hard now doesn't mean she's an alcoholic. My Grandfather was and I can tell you there is a difference. Also, you and only you are responsible for your own health. If you don't want to drink don't, thats your right. But you can't put the blame for your behaviour on her. Thats your choice. You can't "control" anyone. They alone are responsible for their behaviour and the choices they make. If you really aren't comfortable with her life style choices and she doesn't want to change(totally her right not to) break up. Link to comment
superfan Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 @tvnerdgirl: I agree. Right now, since I met her, I don't appreciate the value of partying or celebrating where alcoholic drinks are served because it has become somewhat a routine. It's hard to accept the fact that I am losing someone I deeply love over alcohol. On the other hand, I think she is indeed an alcoholic because I asked her if she wants to work out our relationship, she said "yes", and when I asked her why she can't sacrifice minimizing (I'm trying to be so understanding here and I'm not even asking her to totally give up drinking) her intake and the frequency which she drinks alcohol, she said she doesn't know why... Yes, I am planning to do something else to distract myself when she drinks with her friends. @ 2-sided coin: she just refuses to compromise, that's where the problem lies... An alcoholic can't minimize their drinking - that is the problem. They don't have the ability that everyone else has of realizing when they have had enough or resisting the temptation to drink in social situations. She "doesn't know why" because she is refusing to see it as a problem. Link to comment
superfan Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 How old are you? I drank like a fish when I was in my twenties and hanging with my friends. Cut way down as I got older and responsibilities and career became more important. Just because she parties hard now doesn't mean she's an alcoholic. My Grandfather was and I can tell you there is a difference. There is a difference between partying when you are young, and being unable to control your drinking and it sounds like this girl is the latter. Yes it is possible to "drink like a fish" when you are young without being an alcoholic, but those people can cut down if they decide to do so. My husband when he was in his early 20s would go out drinking every weekend. But he didn't HAVE to and if someone had said "hey could you not drink this weekend", he could stop. This girl is admitting that she doesn't know why she can't do that. She is unable to refuse alcohol in social situations and has refused to compromise or cut down her alcohol intake for the sake of the relationship - that is alcoholic behaviour. Both my sister and brother are alcoholics and I have seen them damage their relationships for the sake of drinking. THe OP should get out now if she refuses to admit the problem. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 It is good to know that someone here understands. I know that each one here has different opinions so I respect that. I am not trying to be controlling, well, maybe sort of just for the sake of our own good. She's 26 and I'm 28 and yes indeed, there is a difference between having fun partying than trying to get that alcohol fix. I don't want to be judgmental, I just don't see why she can't see it's bad for her, and for us. I understand that a party can't be a party without the alcohol, but, why does that have to be on a regular basis. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 I just wanted so much to believe that she meant what she said when she told me that she wanted to work things out in our relationship. I talked to her about it this morning and it seems like she really wants us to work. Well, only time and her behavior would determine if she really means it. She already knows how I feel about her drinking so I will wait for her to get her act together, and if things still don't progress from there, I think my reason for breaking up with her will be justifiable as what else is really left to do, but head out the door. I will update you guys in a few days/weeks. Thank you all for sharing your ideas and experience, I appreciate it more than you know! Link to comment
kaibutsu Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 She does want things to work out...but not at the expense of losing her alcohol. Sadly you can't make her see what she is doing/becoming. She will eventually have to find it out on her own. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 I guess you're right, otherwise, this wouldn't have been an ongoing issue. **sigh** Link to comment
superfan Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Let us know how it turns out - I would even set a timeline. If she claims she is serious tell her she needs to have changed by x date, and if by that time you don't see a change, leave. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Share Posted May 25, 2012 She does want things to work out...but not at the expense of losing her alcohol. Sadly you can't make her see what she is doing/becoming. She will eventually have to find it out on her own. So you hit the bull's eye, there! Tonight, her friends came over again and they had another drink. My mistake I guess, is confronting her while we were just about to sleep, where she changed her direction from "wanting to work out our relationship" to "she is no longer happy because we keep fighting over the same issue, so what's the sense of wanting to work us out...yada yada" I told her we're both not happy, and the alcohol is the root cause of it. She just refused to see that. She tells me that she will let me go not because she doesn't love me, but because she does not want me to suffer. I just don't know what to think anymore. Probably not reward her drinking by doing my own thing and ignoring her while she's at it with her friends? For her to give up our relationship than to give up her booze is so twisted. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 Just some update: just the other night, out of the blue, she said something along the lines of "We've had too much to drink for this week, I would like to take a break" ...and didn't drink that night and last night. I told her I appreciate it, and reward her with good things such as good sex (lol) and being extra sweet to her. I hope this is turning out for the best.... Link to comment
poetryandlyrics Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Just some update: just the other night, out of the blue, she said something along the lines of "We've had too much to drink for this week, I would like to take a break" ...and didn't drink that night and last night. I told her I appreciate it, and reward her with good things such as good sex (lol) and being extra sweet to her. I hope this is turning out for the best.... I hope so the same. Keep an eye out if she returns to drinking heavily once again. Then it has to be something. I hope things goes well. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 I hope so the same. Keep an eye out if she returns to drinking heavily once again. Then it has to be something. I hope things goes well. Why thank you, ethereal! Yes, I myself love to party,but not to the extent of doing it in an everyday basis. Apparently, I can't make her see that but at least she is making an effort, which matters most. I will keep you guys posted. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Even if she is only abusing alcohol, compared to being addicted to it, it's an issue. What would happen if she were to become pregnant? Or drink and drive? Heavy drinkers often cheat (because their spouses are always mad at them for some reason related to the drinking) and even if she doesn't cheat, it's quite probable that she'll steal from you one day to pay for the habit. Even if she never steals from you, she will lie about who she's drinking with, where she is and when she'll be home. It's just not a good start to a good relationship. My advice is move out, and although it sounds harsh, you need to protect yourself. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted May 31, 2012 Author Share Posted May 31, 2012 Even if she is only abusing alcohol, compared to being addicted to it, it's an issue. What would happen if she were to become pregnant? Or drink and drive? Heavy drinkers often cheat (because their spouses are always mad at them for some reason related to the drinking) and even if she doesn't cheat, it's quite probable that she'll steal from you one day to pay for the habit. Even if she never steals from you, she will lie about who she's drinking with, where she is and when she'll be home. It's just not a good start to a good relationship. My advice is move out, and although it sounds harsh, you need to protect yourself. Thanks becomingkate, I appreciate your advice and will keep that in mind. I've always made it a point never to finance or offer any aid when it comes to her drinking. Well, she always drinks at home, with her friends most of the time, sometimes mine. I tried to compromise with her by drinking only on weekends, and not to binge. We're in the process of it, It's Day 3 since she doesn't have a drink. It's just painful to leave the relationship because of her drinking habit, because we're great in all other areas, and besides, I can see her improving and her effort to keep it at minimum, if not totally abstain from it...So we'll see. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 "It's just painful to leave the relationship because of her drinking habit, because we're great in all other areas, and besides, I can see her improving and her effort to keep it at minimum, if not totally abstain from it...So we'll see." Boy do I know where you're coming from! I met my late husband in 1990 when he was 23 and I was 25. He was a lot like your GF, but I ignored the red flags. By 1998 he was chronic and died at home in our bed in 2002 at the age of 35. Ten years later, my daughter and I are still trying to pick up the pieces. When ever possible, I try to warn spouses, but like me, they just REALLY want to stay to try to help. I truly do wish you all the best. Link to comment
mhowe Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 It's just painful to leave the relationship because of her drinking habit, Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln -- how was the play? If she can't get the drinking under control, there will be only one relationship --- her and alcohol. Not her and you. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 "It's just painful to leave the relationship because of her drinking habit, because we're great in all other areas, and besides, I can see her improving and her effort to keep it at minimum, if not totally abstain from it...So we'll see." Boy do I know where you're coming from! I met my late husband in 1990 when he was 23 and I was 25. He was a lot like your GF, but I ignored the red flags. By 1998 he was chronic and died at home in our bed in 2002 at the age of 35. Ten years later, my daughter and I are still trying to pick up the pieces. When ever possible, I try to warn spouses, but like me, they just REALLY want to stay to try to help. I truly do wish you all the best. Thanks becomingkate, now I'm thinking about letting her read the posts on here. I think that no one can really tell someone that it's wrong, they really have to realize that themselves. My only wish is by the time they realize it, it won't be too late... Anyway, good luck to us who's trying to stick it out til' the end! lol Link to comment
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