How much and what is generally considered "giving space"?

[unanimous123]

Hi everyone,

 

I am in a relationship with this girl for 10 months now, and we live together. Based on past experience, I understand that giving space in a relationship is good, but a few questions come to mind which I hope that you might shed some light on.

 

1.) How many times a week should we spend apart from each other?

2.) Is it still considered "giving space" if you're not spending quality time with each other. i.e: going out in a group, or her and I with her friends, or her and I with my friends...?

3.) How do I communicate the need for space without coming accross as losing interest in the relationship?

 

Looking forward to your answers. Thanks!

[Batya33]

I think it's about leading a fun, independent life so that giving adequate breathing room comes naturally. And communicate with her about what she thinks is a good amount of time to spend together and take it from there. If you feel you need space I would treat it nonchalantly - say "I'd love to do something Saturday -Sunday I think I'm going to just chill. Really looking forward to Saturday!". (or similar). I'm not the hugest fan of the "quality time" concept because it puts too much pressure to make certain times more special than others - be open to all times being special or quality whether you're having a meaningful conversation or cracking up over spilling your drink while on an airplane in an embarrassing spot on one's clothing (just giving an example of what happened to us yesterday - it was wonderful to crack up hysterically and be silly - just as good a connection as "date night"!).

[agent1607307371]

Really, you need to ask her that. Different people have different requirements (and in the interest of keeping both people happy, sometimes you can't get as much or as little as you need all the time).

[RedDress]

Hmmm... this post kind of feels like you are trying to create this notion of "space" because someone told you it was "healthy" - but you (the collective, couple "you") don't really want it. I agree that this is highly personal to each couple... but I'll answer what I like...

 

1) Personally, seeing my bf much more than 3-4 times a week feels crampy. I simply have stuff to do! Laundry, groceries, phone calls, errands to run, people to meet up with, etc.

 

2) No. This is a different but equally important topic. To me, space is about breaking from the "us" and being "you". To me, you need all three in a relationship - "me" time, "us" time and quality (just the two of you) time. You need to be able to identify as an individual, as a couple interacting with the world and as two people interacting with each other (alone).

 

3) Well... right now, I'm not convinced it's a "need" for you if you are questioning how to communicate it (needs aren't really optional... you'd never ponder for long how to tell someone you are hungry, for example... the need supersedes the etiquette). I think this is a foundation you usually lay in the dating stages where you don't see each other every day (despite wanting to). If your partner is accustomed to seeing you 24/7 and you now try to change it up - she's going to feel weirded out. Where is all of this coming from? Why after 10 months do you think this is "healthy"? I think this is where you should start with her. Tell her what you are thinking. Ask her opinion about it. Decide together what is needed in your relationship and the frequency (rather than suddenly imposing this on her). I mean... maybe she is the type who doesn't want/need space either. Each couple is unique and before changing things up (especially if it's not a deal breaker for you) maybe you should talk about it because you might push her away.

[unanimous123]

thanks for all your replies. Yes, we do have different perspectives when it comes to space and I agree, it should be communicated so as not to alienate her. We usually have friends (sometimes her friends, sometimes my friends) coming over to our place all the time and we end up spending our nights entertaining them instead of spending "us" time, and it's affecting our relationship, I think, since we don't get to spend as much "us" time. 90% of the time, when we socialize with other people, it's always involve drinking alcohol and sometimes, I argue with her about it, about how it isn't good for the health, but she thinks it's fine that we drink every night... and this is the frustrating part. Wow now I'm ranting. lol