Friends with the ex?

[Belle]

I have turned down the ex now, several times for a reconciliation. He was the dumper. Recently, he's desperately tried to get me back into his life, but he made a mistake in the process and I realized he just hasn't changed enough. He asked if we could at least be friends and see if we can start over and see what happens. I didn't respond to the see what happens. I told him sure to being friends, but I'm not sure that's the best idea. 2 thoughts run through my mind:

 

1) He wants to ease the pressure of missing me. He does regret breaking up, but that doesn't mean he's changed. This may lead to him remaining the same person because having the ex miss you is what provokes change, if it ever happens.

 

2) He's trying to get back in through the back door. This wouldn't work on me. I can resist his charms. I have so far.

 

I had someone tell me that I was allowing myself to be friend zoned if I did. Looking back at a couple of breakups I've had, I've suggested friendship and was told no way. I felt it was immature and overly emotional, and I knew that I held the cards when they refused. In one case, it was just to see where things went in case he got his act together. But I made no grand statements about wanting to reconcile or that I'd regretted any decision because I didn't want to and hadn't regretted anything.

 

I'm stuck on this. I can move completely forward without him, happy to know that he regrets it. Or I can take a chance that might not be worth it, in the case that he tries to turn the tables back on me. Would love to hear other points of view.

[The_Seeker]

Too much of analyzing. You're still into him. Deny it all you want.

 

Let him go and find someone else.

 

He's probably bored with his life. Just want fun to come back and when he's done, go play somewhere else.

 

Don't be someone's pure entertainment.

 

Don't let someone use your time when you can use your time for something else aka yourself.

 

good luck

[Belle]

Too much of analyzing. You're still into him. Deny it all you want.

 

It's possible. I'm not sure. I have a slight feeling that I want to be the one to string him along though.

[The_Seeker]

It's possible. I'm not sure. I have a slight feeling that I want to be the one to string him along though.

 

It's much the opposite.

 

He's stringing you along.

[toby17]

I have a slight feeling that I want to be the one to string him along though.

 

I think this is exactly what's going on. He was the dumper but ever since you found out that he wants you back, you've turned emotionally into the dumper.

 

I don't think you want him back anymore than you wanted your other exes, I think you just like the fact that he regrets his decision.

[dumPI]

As long as you want him more than he wants you, he is holding the cards.

 

What has changed since break up so that you consider being friends (which you didn't accept back then)?

[Belle]

It's much the opposite.

 

He's stringing you along.

 

I'm not one to hide the truth from myself. But I think he's actually stringing himself along since I won't accept a reconciliation at this time.

[Belle]

I think this is exactly what's going on. He was the dumper but ever since you found out that he wants you back, you've turned emotionally into the dumper.

 

I don't think you want him back anymore than you wanted your other exes, I think you just like the fact that he regrets his decision.

 

This is actually what I think is happening. You have to admit, it's an ego boost when someone who left is now desperate to get you back.

 

I don't want him back at this time. He's not in a good place. Might be open to it at a later date though.

[Belle]

As long as you want him more than he wants you, he is holding the cards.

 

What has changed since break up so that you consider being friends (which you didn't accept back then)?

 

He wants me more than I want him. I have turned him down a couple of times now.

 

What has changed is that I'm pretty sure I could handle a friendship without wanting more. Also, he has opened up and been honest about where he is emotionally and really put himself out there. It was the most honest he's ever been so I felt like he's trying.

 

I can still turn around and walk back out of his life again and it'll be easier for me. If I start up a friendship, I worry that he'll create more drama and I'll feel foolish.

[RFB]

I don't want him back at this time. He's not in a good place. Might be open to it at a later date though.

 

If only it were that easy. Just be careful with the game playing. It usually backfires badly.

[Divine010]

He wants me more than I want him. I have turned him down a couple of times now.

 

What has changed is that I'm pretty sure I could handle a friendship without wanting more. Also, he has opened up and been honest about where he is emotionally and really put himself out there. It was the most honest he's ever been so I felt like he's trying.

 

I can still turn around and walk back out of his life again and it'll be easier for me. If I start up a friendship, I worry that he'll create more drama and I'll feel foolish.

 

Belle, how long have you all been seperated?

 

What is it that you want,only friendship and if you think he is going to cause drama, then why not just leave it all alone?

[Tom1990]

If you try to be friends, he will constantly be trying to get you back until A) He succeeds, or B) The friendship ends, likely in a horrible mess. There is the chance an honest friendship can come of this, but it's a slim chance at best. I say no go, time to sever ties and move on.

[markie6]

If you have to even try to be friends, it seems to me like it would be doomed to failure. Having read your post about your 2 month relationship, then the 4 months NC , he seems to not have treated you very well.

 

Risks seem to be not worth the reward

[italiannmf24]

I can move completely forward without him, happy to know that he regrets it.

 

Well, you should be able to move forward without being benefitted by the fact that your ex regrets the break-up.

 

It's pretty obvious the ball's in your court, but being friends is just that... being friends. If you decide to accept friendship, you may be facing more begging/pleading on his end and he may attempt to get you back on multiple occasions. Especially if you're chasing other men and casually dating.

 

I'd remove friendship from the equation for now. Take time to yourself and, once you're comfortable with being his friend (if that day comes) then reach out and let him know that. Until then, remain silent and progress forward.

[Belle]

If only it were that easy. Just be careful with the game playing. It usually backfires badly.

 

You're probably right. What it has done for me in the past is helped me realize the ex had not changed so I could fully move on. Unfortunately, he wouldn't let go and I felt guilty not being his friend. I have since ended that friendship. It was a one way street.

[Belle]

Belle, how long have you all been seperated?

 

What is it that you want,only friendship and if you think he is going to cause drama, then why not just leave it all alone?

 

4 months. I clearly don't know what I want at this point. I was pretty determined early on, but his persistence and some of the things he's said has gotten to me a little. I know that I don't want to get back with him until he gets his act together which could take a year or two, if it ever happens.

 

If you try to be friends, he will constantly be trying to get you back until A) He succeeds, or B) The friendship ends, likely in a horrible mess. There is the chance an honest friendship can come of this, but it's a slim chance at best. I say no go, time to sever ties and move on.

 

I know. It's high risk and uncertain reward.

 

If you have to even try to be friends, it seems to me like it would be doomed to failure. Having read your post about your 2 month relationship, then the 4 months NC , he seems to not have treated you very well.

 

Risks seem to be not worth the reward

 

I think he wanted to try friendship, so that we could slowly regain trust. He's spooked after his divorce, which is why he broke up with me.

[Belle]

Well, you should be able to move forward without being benefitted by the fact that your ex regrets the break-up.

 

It's pretty obvious the ball's in your court, but being friends is just that... being friends. If you decide to accept friendship, you may be facing more begging/pleading on his end and he may attempt to get you back on multiple occasions. Especially if you're chasing other men and casually dating.

 

I'd remove friendship from the equation for now. Take time to yourself and, once you're comfortable with being his friend (if that day comes) then reach out and let him know that. Until then, remain silent and progress forward.

 

I had already moved forward. I feel like he got me right before I was able to wash him completely from my brain. But I mean at this point in time, if I opt out of friendship I can move on without getting hurt. If I tried the friendship route, who knows. I could really get over him, or really end up missing him.

 

I like you recommendation. It's a peaceful route, that takes into account what I need right now. I am leaning towards that. Take time to clean the slate, and if later I feel I'm truly ok with being friends let him know. There are no short cuts.

[italiannmf24]

There are no short cuts, that's true. I'd let the ties die down until you're fully prepared for any type of relaitonship with him.

 

Whether that be friendship or something more serious.

[Belle]

There are no short cuts, that's true. I'd let the ties die down until you're fully prepared for any type of relaitonship with him.

 

Whether that be friendship or something more serious.

 

We're so like minded it's scary. But for the record, there was no getting back into a romantic relationship at this time. I took that off the table. Maybe in a year or two, who knows. I realized that feelings can change. I also realized, that mine may have changed due to some bs thrown my way so taking time is the better part of valor. He had time to realize how awesome I am. I can take time to figure out if I want any type of relationship with him, and whether he's full of crap.

 

I feel more and more relieved. The pressure of him wanting to stay in my life was too much.

 

And I'm so glad I've read stories on here of premature reconciliations gone wrong to know better than to think you can just turn your back to the fountain, throw a penny in and hope your wish comes true.

[Divine010]

Like everyone has said, the ball is in your corner and being friends is kind of premature. 1 year or 2 is good. You know where to find him and I am sure he would not turn you away if you asked to be his friend in the future. So just look at it that way. I thought the same thing about my ex and my feelings have changed because 3 months later he still hasn't grown on up and trying to be friends with him now, since I am in the stage where I don't want him, I still need to completely heal and get him 100% out of my system. Don't feel bad for them cause it just slows down the process. Trust me he will be happy to have some kind of relationship with you down the road. So don't feel pressured. Do what is right for you.

[Belle]

Like everyone has said, the ball is in your corner and being friends is kind of premature. 1 year or 2 is good. You know where to find him and I am sure he would not turn you away if you asked to be his friend in the future. So just look at it that way. I thought the same thing about my ex and my feelings have changed because 3 months later he still hasn't grown on up and trying to be friends with him now, since I am in the stage where I don't want him, I still need to completely heal and get him 100% out of my system. Don't feel bad for them cause it just slows down the process. Trust me he will be happy to have some kind of relationship with you down the road. So don't feel pressured. Do what is right for you.

 

Great advice divine. Thanks