Do I fix this or just let it be?

[PhoenixOnFire]

A 3 year relationship and 6 yr friendship with my boyfriend ended 3 days ago.

 

The fundamental reason was I wouldn't move 5 hr away to be with him at school and he didn't want to move to my home when he graduated.

 

I'm a country girl, he's a city boy. He loved me for all 6 yrs of our friendship, but I didn't let him in until 3 yr ago. It was the best decision I ever made. My biggest regret is that I didn't let it happen sooner. The first 6 mo. of our relationship we were apart, then the next year we were together in his home city, and the last year and a half we've been apart. He HATES LDR and I'm amazed that he lasted this long. Testament to how much he loved me. He expects me to come be with him. I tried the city. I hated the city. He never tried the country so I feel wronged in that sense.

 

Beyond this issue were lots of little ones we'd fight about. We'd fight a lot, i think courtesy of me usually getting mad at him about something, but he never tried to fix any of those problems. That was another problem I had. He always blamed me for the fights because I get mad too easily, but one person cannot be responsible for EVERYTHING. Somethings I needed to learn to let go of, but somethings he needed to work on. I felt like he never did.

 

But our love for each other was powerful. And I took that love for granted. He kept us together when he's the one who hates this kind of relationship. He's always been the one to keep us together because I'm terrible at just letting things slip away. And recently when we really started fighting about the future, about my not moving down there, about him having no interest in my career (veggie farming, maybe I got so sick about it. I pushed him away. I constantly worried about it. I just wanted something to happen one way or the other so I could move past this sickening feeling. ...And now something has. I practically pushed him to do it by distancing myself from him. He said he was unhappy. He knew I was unhappy. So we ended it, both still in love with the other.

 

Am I being a complete jacka** in letting him go? Honestly I don't know what I want. I feel like either way I go I'm going to be miserable. Do I risk losing the love of my life to a lifestyle choice? I don't forge relationships easily so I fear I'll never find this again. I hate myself for not showing him the love he deserved because I was scared of the future. I hate myself for causing him pain.

[RFB]

Either one of you willing to change? If the answer is no, you must let go.

[mhowe]

You are young -- and not ready to be joined at the hip. Enjoy the memories -- create new ones w/ someone else.

[PhoenixOnFire]

It's not that I'm not ready to be with him all the time. I want to marry him! He wanted to marry me. And now I'm desperately trying to figure out if i can change. I'm a very independent person, but I'm very loyal to those close to me. How do you let go of your best friend just like that?

[mhowe]

You want to marry him, but you won't move to live with him? What?

[PhoenixOnFire]

Yea, exactly. * * * . But how he wants to live isn't how i want to live. And I don't know if being with him can make up for being caged in an apartment in the middle of a city. Like I said, I'm going to be miserable whatever I choose. I guess I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

[RFB]

Yea, exactly. * * * . But how he wants to live isn't how i want to live. And I don't know if being with him can make up for being caged in an apartment in the middle of a city. Like I said, I'm going to be miserable whatever I choose. I guess I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

 

Better to be miserable without him than with him. It sounds like you are both set when it comes to how you want to live and neither is willing to change for the other. If you are that adament about where you live, you'll only end up resenting him, or he you, if either concedes to the others demands.

 

And I have to ask how deep a love can be if that is the only obstacle separating you.

[PhoenixOnFire]

I wonder that too...I know we're both stubborn people. However, I don't think this should call into question how deep our love is for each other. It's a pretty fundamental obstacle to being with someone. It affects how you raise your children, what you spend your life doing. It's not one city versus another. It's a different way of life. I want to give up everything and go to him and scream to the world LOVE CONQUERS ALL, but i think that's bull. Love has conquered a lot between us, but some issues... You hit the nail on the head when you said one of us would end up resenting the other. It's what I try to tell myself, and I don't want to ever end up hating him. But it's hard to walk away from someone that you love when you know you could change it.

[PhoenixOnFire]

What I really want to know is, am I wrong? Has anyone chosen the person you loved over all your plans for yourself and it turned out you made the right choice?

[Greatone99]

What's stopping you from jumping in the car and driving out to the country? You can take trips and all that. I wouldn't say that you'd be "caged".

[PhoenixOnFire]

If it were that simple, there wouldn't be a problem. You can't have a career based on taking the occasional trip.

[RFB]

What I really want to know is, am I wrong? Has anyone chosen the person you loved over all your plans for yourself and it turned out you made the right choice?

 

It's not about being right or wrong. It's about what you can live with. And yes, plenty of people have made these kind of choices and lived happily ever after. And just as many have had miserable lives and separated.

 

Only you can chose what is right for you.

[PhoenixOnFire]

Thanks. I know I need to figure it out for myself, but it's hard to make a decision. I'm gonna try to give myself the summer and work on my inner peace, which I'd lost over the past year. If I can master myself and my emotions, then maybe I'll be able to recognize the right action.

[PhoenixOnFire]

UPDATE:

 

He called today to "check up on you. Just because we're not dating doesn't me we can't talk." And i told him uhhhhhh, yea right now it kinda does. He said he wasn't moving in with two of his classmates anymore. I asked him why and he told me because he was interested in one them > like i wanna now that sh*t. So i asked him why the crap did he just tell me that and he said "you asked". which i of course responded with "bullsh*t." I made it clear I didn't want to hear about it and asked him if that had been the catalyst for him breaking up with me (her bf just broke up with her cuz she cheated....HELLOOOOOOO). He said no. Later he assured me he'd never done anything with anyone and I'm confident in him and know he's being honest. If there's one thing we were it was completely honest with each other. Even if it hurt the other one. So whether y'all believe him or not is irrelevant because I know him and i know he'd just say it if he did. Anyway, I took the opportunity to tell him exactly what I was thinking. I'm trying to decide what i can live with and what i can't live without. He was of course aggravated that I'm "just now thinking about this". but sometimes you gotta lose everything before you can really step back and evaluate all your feelings. I said I hoped he would also consider what he'd be willing to sacrifice, and if he decided the answer was nothing, I respected that. So I told him i was gonna really think about this over the summer and if I make my decision and it's too late, i understand. He wants to be happy and I'm not gonna try to stop him from finding it. He expressed concern that he'd find someone and I'd just stay unhappy.....because he knows me. He's a social butterfly and i'm.....not. I rather dislike most of the people in this area. I didn't find someone to date till i left and they were from 150 mi away. Honestly I didn't want to end up back here...at least not alone. I'm attached to my family, our livestock, our horses, lifestyle, blahblahblah. So even if i'm ready to move on, I probably won't find anyone to do it with. I told him i'd be fine. I may not be ecstatic and happy, but i'd been fine. I'm a tough girl and he knows it. that's part of what he loved about me. I told him a long time ago, if I couldn't make it work with him, i'd probably just become that old lady with the cats....and dogs and sheep and horses. So to close the convo, I told him again I would be thinking for the next several months, hoped he would too, and that I wouldn't be in contact. he said "i'm sure i'll call you when I call you. I hope you'll pick up." then we said bye.

 

I'm trying soooo hard to listen to my heart and follow the path to my personal legend. I've been locked in this spiritual struggle for most of my life, trying to discover how to be happy. I believe there's a path I should follow, that's right for me, but I don't believe that you automatically follow it. I think we quite capable of screwing it all up ourselves, ignoring what we ought to do, and end up laying in bed at night dreaming of what we were too scared to go for.

[PhoenixOnFire]

Btw, he said he felt like we'd been broken up for the past year and it was too late for me to change my mind. But i think he meant that he wasn't holding out for me, he'd move on and look for someone else to see if they could make him happier. Because he later said he needed to do some soul searching and discover what he wanted. So his "it's too late" meant it's too late to change your mind right now. And i agreed because no matter how i feel now, i'm waiting a while for the dust to settle so that i can see the right action.