PhoenixOnFire

i suddenly realized that my crappy ipod is actually your crappy ipod.....and now i've got a huge knot in the pit of my stomach. i have integrated you so fully into my life that i don't even know who's stuff is who's because it wasn't worth remembering since it would always be ours. how could i do that and then spent months pushing you away until you finally break?

somehow, i lost myself in the relationship, lost sight of the kind of person i wanted to be. i fell into old habits, things that i'd grown up with that i HATED. and then i applied that to our relationship. it's no wonder we didn't make it. i was basing my decisions and reactions on a relationship i saw in my life that i always told myself i never EVER wanted. it's amazing to me that i could do that to myself and to him. whether we were perfect for each other or not is yet to be seen. because the only thing that i'm doing right now is finding myself. if i can't, then i'll never be able to love someone properly. It's like i compulsively cannot let myself be happy unless everything is EXACTLY the way it "ought" to be. thats a load of bull. i can see that. but making the change is hard. i do yoga and meditate everyday, and i feel really good for a little while afterwards...but i always eventually slip back. i cry for hurting you. i cry for you hurting me, for fear that maybe we weren't as perfect as i'd like to think. i cry for fear of starting again. i wanted YOU, every plan i made in my head was with you. i can't even fold clothes without breaking down. my things i took from your apartment are still just sitting there. i can't touch them. because now almost all of the things that i have, i bought for "us". we were physically apart for so long, but in my mind we might as well have been married. that was always our plan. we talked about the children we'd have all the time. you were a fixture in my future. you were my first in every way, and that means i intended you to be my last. i can't even think about intimacy with someone else. it makes me sick. but i let my chronic need for misery ruin everything, and even when you told me to just let myself be happy, i couldnt. and i know that until i can, i don't deserve you or anyone else. and i sincerely hope that you are doing as much work on yourself as i am.