bostonchiiiiica Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 So, the person you love "doesn't want to be in a relationship again for a long time" and "wants to be free to do his own thing." He spends most of the time with his friends and doesn't treat you half as good as he once did. He won't call for days and never seems interested in what you';re doing. He doesn't tell you anything anymore. Yet, he calls you once in a while, wants to kiss you, hold you, and tells you he loves you. You feel like you have part of him back, but after months of this "half-way" relationship, you've finally had enough of sleepness nights wondering why he doesn't love you enough to want you around all of the time and whether you will be together or what he's doing the nights he doesn't call. So, you decided to cut him off and stop catering to his every wish and ignore his calls. Does he a) slowly forget about you, or b) want what he can't have and have more interest? I'm scared to cut him off, becuase it may lead to the very end of us. But it may also be my saving grace. What do you think? Thank you. Link to comment
Scout Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Well, if you keep going the way you are with him, eventually it will end when he meets someone he does want to be with all the time. Are you willing to take it to that end? Get out now while you have some dignity and self-respect. Even if he doesn't come back for good, then at least you are available for someone who wants to be with you in a real relationship. Link to comment
melrich Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Get out of the relationship now. You have not been happy in this relationship for a long long time and you have thought about all sorts of tricks and strategies to make him love you the way you want him too. It is time for you to get on with your life and stop wasting it on a guy who clearly does not feel about you the way you do about him. Simply if he did he would not treat you the way he does. You deserve better and you should pursue better. Link to comment
crazylemur Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 That's a tough sitation, and in my opinion, an all too common one. From experience, I think there is really only one way to work this thing. At this point, he has lost his focus on you and shifted to something more exciting. Its all phsycological really. So, the best thing you can do - take off. Get your own life, take care of yourself - and - if your smart, be happy and cold towards him. He will probably ask questions, but don't show him your cards, just act like your no longer interested. Chances are, he'll come running, but it may be after your realize you don't want him anyway - the guy will probably always be the way he is. Link to comment
dontknowwhattodo Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Good post and good answers. I was wondering the same thing. It is clear that people think that the best way is to get out and I agree. He will not value 'you' as much as he should if he 'can' always come back to you. If you continue on in this relationship, he will only come to you at his convenient time which is obviously not the way a relationship should be. Link to comment
JohnnyTable Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Get out now. However, he will likely come after you (since he can no longer have you) and you must remain strong. Remember how things are right now... Link to comment
Magic_star829 Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 I was in the exact same situation you are in now with my bf. He was acting the same way and I ended it because of that even though it hurt me alot to do so. Well it is now 6 months later, and after NC the whole time I missed him because I had never dealt with it, and so ended up contacting him again. When I asked him about it , he said he hadn't lost interest like I thought but that we were both really busy and he felt I was distant and so he backed off. Just make sure first that there are no reasons behind it such as a busy time or messages you might be sending before you make your final decision, and the most important thing to do is talk to him about it. It may not be anything and you might regret it like I did. But on the other hand when you talk you must be firm and let him know you will not continue to tolerate that. If he doesn't change or doesn't seem to care, then he is not worthy of your love and move on. Hope that helps Link to comment
2rublueeyes21 Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 just wanted to wish you good luck on your situation. love hurts..real bad. If your not happy then go find happiness. Link to comment
popo Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 i agree with Magic_star829. i know it's not a healthy relationship. but it's not something that you or he cant fix. talk to him about this. make him understand about what you really want. tolerate what u can tolerate. both of u have to repect what each other's need. just dont make a rush decission to break!!! think about it over and over... except u dont love him anymore or ure seeing someone else who's, u considere, better than he is Link to comment
trishcollins Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Go with your gut feeling. Mine warned me of the impending end of my relationship. I even told my "ex" that I wasn't getting the warm and fuzzies about the way things were going, and he insisted it would work out. For a lot of reasons unlike yours, the relationship was doomed and there was nothing I coud do about it. I think once you get that feeling, it's best to get out, no matter how much it hurts. If they are really interested at that point they will make an effort. My "ex" ended it, but says he still loves me, misses me and considers me his best friend, but his daughter won't accept me in the relationship (she is almost 20) and he had reached his limit in terms of the conflict -- so I was the casualty. My vast experience has also lead me to know that not everyone has the courage to say "it's over", so treating you badly and ignoring you is their way of hoping you will do the dirty work for them. Best to walk away with dignity and move on to someone who will treat you the way you deserve. Link to comment
Scout Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 My vast experience has also lead me to know that not everyone has the courage to say "it's over", so treating you badly and ignoring you is their way of hoping you will do the dirty work for them. Best to walk away with dignity and move on to someone who will treat you the way you deserve. That is so true. Unfortunately, I see too many posters on eNotalone who refuse to see this about their ex, because they can't face the fact it's over. I'm not saying that's true for you, Boston Chica, but it's a pretty common scenario. Link to comment
bostonchiiiiica Posted September 30, 2004 Author Share Posted September 30, 2004 It's so hard because I'm so scared of losing him for good! I just can't get over this feeling of loss and pain...if two people love one another, why can't they just be together? Link to comment
Scout Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Because there are different kinds of love. You can love someone but realize that for whatever reasons, you don't want to commit to them. It doesn't just take love to make a relationship work, it takes an equal desire to make it work and an equal desire to commit. You're worried about losing him for good. Like I said earlier, if things stay the way they are, it is very likely he is eventually going to meet someone else that he really likes, and you will be devastated when he cuts things off with you. Trish is right, sometimes people can't just break something off because they feel guilty, they are nervous about the confrontation, a whole bunch of things...and so they just distance themselves, and eventually drive the other person to end things. It honestly sounds like that is what is happening in your situation. Why are you afraid to lose him? It doesn't sound like this relationship is satisfying any of your needs. Sometimes we have to close a door before another one opens for us. Link to comment
Clarabelle Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 The name of your post says it best. If you want to be free, and get off the emotional roller coaster, let him go. Link to comment
Scout Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I think what her topic title was referring to is what her ex is saying, that he wants to be free. At any rate, I agree she'll find a lot more peace if she gets off this roller-coaster. Link to comment
loveproblems Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 I was in the exact situation and couldn't let go for a long time until one month ago. What trishcollins said about some people not having the guts to break it off but treat you badly and make you unhappy so that you'll make the first move is probably true of my ex. You (bostonchiiiica) could probably ask your guy if that's what he's trying to do. And don't be afraid to break it off, it's easier said than done. I'm still going through postbreakup pains, but it's better than the pain of being in a relationship like that, always wondering, waiting, hoping, but never knowing. Link to comment
bostonchiiiiica Posted October 6, 2004 Author Share Posted October 6, 2004 Hey guys. Thanks for your help...you've been amazing. I need more help now, and I hope you all can give it to me. So, this same guy---had a talk with him today. He says he's not trying to hurt me, but he needs to be alone right now. He said that path he sees with me is marriage and he thinks that we want different things out of life, so he can't go down that road with me right now. I told him he's being unfair to himself and to me for not giving it a chance. I don't know how to get him to give us a chance. We are like best friends, and it hurts so bad to think we can't be again. I really am scaredof pulling away completely. It is going to hurt so much, but it is inevitable since if I don't, he will end up hurting me down the road. I know it can't continue the way it's been, but I just can't bear the idea of us cut off from one another. What do I do?? Link to comment
craigblitz Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 Boston you have no choice but to pull away. It is win win accross the board. You will no longer feel like he is keeping you as a back-up/ Win No longer caught in his confusion /Win Won't worry about how to act around him /Win No longer care what he is doing without you /Win If he is going to marry you give him space and find out /Win There is not one negative thing that can happened if you pull back and give him space, but there are a TON of negitives in doing what you are doing now. Link to comment
dontknowwhattodo Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 I agree that you should pull back. I am in exactly the same situation as yours. I completely pull, he will never see me again if he doesn't try to find me. It hurt but it will hurt more if I don't pull. Link to comment
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