Do I need to know why it's over to get over her?

[joltingjoe]

Hi there, so I start seeing this new girl and we move fast, weekends away together, met her family, all of that. I would say that I thought everything was perfect and I was definitely starting to fall for this girl. Then out of nowhere (4 months since we started) she cancelled on two dates which surprised me a little, I asked her about it, nothing wrong. I'm still a little skeptical about it, we talk after sex one night a week later after seeing each other a bunch more and she is concerned with what I want out of the relationship -- I tell her quite truthfully that I'm thinking longterm, I see her in my future. She counters with something along the lines of 'we're not in love, I'm not sure what we are', and then the next day she ends it saying that we're just in different places mentally and she doesn't know why but she just can't commit to something really serious.

 

I've been in relationships of varying lengths with lots of girls, I've been the dumper and dumpee. It is always hard to split to with someone, I have confidence in myself that I will get over this girl and find someone else, but it's started bothering me a little that I can't figure out exactly what went wrong. The questions about her real motivation for ending it are nagging at me. I'm pretty sure there was no other guy. I'm sure I didn't do anything wrong, we never fought and got along really well. But it just doesn't seem normal that a girl would take that long (4 months) to figure out if she wanted to be with me ... have any of you experienced that? A realization that you actually don't want to be with someone that takes that long to hit you? Or maybe you knew from the start that you didn't want anything serious but you figured a 3 or 4 month fling might be fun?

 

That's part one of my question I guess... and part two is do you think it would help me get over her to push her a little for why we really split, or should I believe what she's said already? We split three weeks ago, a couple of emails back and forth has been our only communication and while I've been being very distant intentionally in emails, she hasn't been -- saying how much she's thinking of me and wanting to try hanging out again soon. Most of the time I don't even reply because I just have nothing to say, this girl has really confused me.

 

joe

[icme]

i appreciate what you're saying. in many ways, my situation was the same (although we were together for just over a year), nothing went wrong, we never argued, met the family, went away – all that stuff.. but then, bit like yours, she just said, couldn't see herself with me.

 

to answer your questions – I definitely don't think you need answers to move on. sometimes there are no real answers. sometimes you're just not the one for them – and there's no real way to spell that out to someone. they like or love loads about you, but there's something that isn't quite right. I think you'll move on no matter what – you don't need to be told this or anything else to get it out of your system. besides, some answers lead to more questions..

 

as for what's happening now with her contacting you. I wouldn't' like that really. I had an ex do that once – and I spent more time trying to figure out her motives than living my life. sounds to me like you're going about things the right way. if you've got nothing to say to her, I'd just leave it. unless of course you want to be friends – if you can handle it, fine. but if its answers you seek – in the case where neither party has done anything "wrong," they never meant much to me. actions speak louder

[lost_puppy]

Yeah don't bother trying to find out the "real" reasons. Either she won't know, won't be able to put it into words, or she'll lie (or bend the truth). Not worth it. My ex actually offered me a list of reasons, which I took, but then afterwards I was talking to my cousin and she said that most of the reasons were probably "justification" reasons ... like, to convince me that she actually thought the thing out and it wasn't just a rash decision to dump me.

 

It's easy to come up with a list after the fact. May or may not be the actual reasons though.

 

So, basically, just move on with your life. Doesn't sound like you're having any serious emotional problems with the breakup, so let it be.

 

LP

[Clarabelle]

yeah, sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and only she'll be able to figure that one out for herself. I know, because I've been in her shoes!

[joltingjoe]

Thanks guys, you're making sense with what you say there. You're right, I'm not in terrible emotional shape, but I am a little surprised at just how much I've thought about this.

 

Clarabelle, it would be cool if you could elaborate a little on girls not knowing what they want... you say you've been there but I can't really remember or even imagine a time when I've been dating a girl and not been sure if I wanted to keep seeing her -- it's always pretty clear isn't it? I'm taking her whole thing as kind of a nice way of really saying 'I'm not sure what I want, but I am sure it isn't you'. Ouch.

[Vert]

Joe,

After two years my ex-gf said to me "I don't see a future with you and I can't see having your kids either" after I propose... talk about a major *ouch* huh?

 

I was in the same boat -- things were great (so I thought), she said she loved me, said I was the only man she'd ever want, etc etc... next thing I know she tells me she doesn't know what she wants, whether it was just bad timing for us to meet when she was "so young" (now 22), or if she's just confused about me and needs time to think. Either way, I've heard this exact same thing from most of the guys that date younger women. I call it the "Sex and the City" phenomenon. IMO that show severely warps the minds of younger girls towards men and what they should be getting out of relationships (one time "carrie" turned down a man she loved because the diamond he gave her for engagement was "ugly"). My ex-gf is a classic example as she loves that show and would always think it's funny to see the loyal men in their lives get trashed by these single women.

[joltingjoe]

Ouch is right, dude that is tough. You must have been pretty crushed, I guess I can be thankful I got served this early in. It occurred to me today that this is the first time I've ever not been in agreement with the decision to end things, probably why it stings more.

 

Oh well... love and learn right? In this case you learn that even when you don't screw up you can still get screwed for picking the wrong girl from day 1.