Why the change?

[Phoenix_girl]

Ok its been a few years since I’ve posted here. I hope everyone is well J I need some advice on my latest guy issue –some perspecitive if you will. Sorrythis is going to be kind of long.

I know this guy from my work – we shall call him P – and haveknown him for about 5 years. He’s 42 so14 years older then I am. We’ve alwaysgotten on well – spend the day emailing back and forth, joking, harmlessflirting, etc. He’s never gone forcoffee with me, but that’s nothing I’ve really ever worried about before.

He’s had a really hard time in his personal life pretty muchsince I met him – i’ve heard about it from people who really can’t keeppersonal details private. As time haspassed, we’ve gotten closer. He’s openedup more about the stuff he’s going through, I’ve been supportive, and I seem tobe able to tell when hes going through something, and given advise, we’ve flirted more, itscomfortable. He and I are a lotalike. We both have been screwed over inthe relationship world, we both have trust issues. He knows about my fear of dating, my fear ofsex, and I’ve vented to him a few times about stuff that I’ve gonethrough. But our friendship hasn’t gonebeyond texting and email. We still don’tgo for coffee together and have never hung out outside of work. I think the reason for this is because he doesn’twant there to be reasons about us (every single woman he goes for coffee withend up having rumours – its kind of sad).

A couple of months ago I was venting about being afraid ofdating and sex etc and he said he could help me with my fear of sex. I was shocked – I always thought men had tobe attracted to a woman for that and I didn’t think he was attracted to me likethat. Anyway, I agreed. I actually have wanted to sleep with a guyfriend to try and get over my friend, but don’t have any (other then him) thatI trust enough. He said I had never beenwith anyone who cared enough to do it right (multiple sexually abusive relationships)so I take it that means he cares about me.

I got tested and we talked about it more, talked about someof my concerns, he opened up more about his own past….and then we both hit sometough times in our lives, and he got sick and hten his mom had a stroke. Since all that happened he’s been distant. We hardly email anymore. One thing he had told me when we weretalking about sleeping together was that I shouldn’t get close or he would beforced to pull away before either of us could get hurt and that he knows I don’twant to be hurt and he doesn’t want to be the one to hurt me. So I asked him, keeping that in mind, if I haddone something wrong, maybe crossed that line without meaning too. He said I had done nothing but be supportiveof him and he’s grateful. He’s told mebefore that he always needs me (not sure what he meant), and that he’s lucky toknow me.

But still….he’s distant. I don’t know what to do. I feellike he’s hiding something. I know hehad a lot of stress in his life lately, but I don’t think it’s just that. Is it possible that HE’S the one who crossedthe line?? Is it possible that he’s completelypulled back because he’s realized he has feelings for me and doesn’t want to gothere? To be clear, we have not had sexyet. I don’t even know if that’s stillon the table at this point and I’m not worried about it at the moment. He admit he hasn’t dealt with the emotionalfall out from his breakup with his ex. He has told me before that hes given up on love. He hasn’t said that he’s afraid of getting hurt,but I think he is. And I think he’safraid of hurting me, knowing what he does about my past.

How do I handle this? Just give him space until he comesaround? I don’t want anything from himexcept the conversations we used to have. Is it possible he feels something more for me and doesn’t want me toknow?? Any insight would be welcome.

[somebunnyluvsu]

Im sorry, but is your spacebar broken???

[Citlali]

Her post is more than understandable despite the spacing issues here and there.

 

Anyway, it could be that he's still trying to cope with his mother's stroke. Do you know if he's her caretaker? Or maybe the closeness that was beginning to flourish between you frightened him because he hasn't dealt with the emotional fallout from his last relationship. The truth is that it could be a number of things that have caused him to withdraw. You could either wait a bit longer and then ask why or you could continue emailing normally and see if things go back to how they were before. Perhaps give him some space and be patient. Only he can tell you what's really going on. But I wouldn't sit around forever waiting for him to come around. I don't think he'd be able to be there for you emotionally the way you want and need. He has issue of his own. Each of you needs to work through them before jumping into any kind of relationship, I think.

[Phoenix_girl]

I should apoloze for the spacing - i copied my post from a word program and didnt notice what happened to the spacing until it was too late.

Thank you for your response Citlali - your thinking is along the same lines as my own.

I should mention that when he told me i hadnt done anything by be supportive he mentioned that he has nothing left to give right now (his family sucks him dry in every way shape and form). I dont know what he means as i have never really asked for anything from him.

He is not his mothers caretaker (she lives 4 hours from him), but he has no siblings and his father is already gone. I know he has said he is not ready to be all alone yet.

[kaibutsu]

It just sounds like he has a lot going on in his life and he respected you enough to not just sleep with you and then brush you off. I think that's admirable on his part and it means he really is going through some things in his life that are really affecting him. Just give him some time to come around.

[Phoenix_girl]

Hello All

 

So it's been a bit since I posted this and I wanted to provide an update and see if there is any advice given the turn of events.

I ended up asking me friend about the distance because I was starting to feel kind of disrespected (we work together and it was starting to impact on that). He apologized and said that he did not mean to be disrespectful in anyway and he would stop that. He went on to say that he has been going through some crap in life and that we would be able to goof around again soon. So I went along my merry way, giving him some space, but still chatting with him. I did recently find out that he is having some potentially serious health issues and that could be the big thing thats making him distant. He didnt tell me what, just said he has not been well....when i said i hoped it wasn't serious he just said "me too".

But I found myself still wanting to know why he never went for coffee with me. I think it went back to his proposal that we sleep together - the fact that he wouldnt go for coffee with me, but was willing to sleep with me i think caused some confusion for me. So i asked him today.....and at first he didnt respond. This is one of the reasons I was feeling disrespected by him. I'm the type that if I'm concerened about sometihng enough to ask, then i do want a response.....even if its an "i dont know" or "i dont want to talk about it"...something that acknowledges that i deserve an answer. His non-response made me feel like he disregarded my concerns and therefore disregarded me. So when he didnt respond at first, i just in a friendly way, asked if he would please. And he did. He said that people develop different working relationships and it's just how things go.

Later on in the day a female friend of his (who works in the office) came in with her infant son.....it is rumoured that my friend and she were involved in some way and that maybe he even fathered her child. i dont know if any of it is true, none of my business, but the wave of jealousy the riped through me was incredible. I have never felt like that before and I know believe that I can no longer say that I do not have feelings for my friend.

I still don't know what he wants from me......his actions seem to be that he is afraid to get too close to me (for whatever reason), but things he has told me seem to indicate that he cares for me......I'm starting to think he doesn't know either. He has a lot on his plate right now. but now that I realize that I have feelings for him......i don't know what to do. I am going through my own health issues at the moment too which is making me crave to be closer to him for support. I'm lost. Any suggestions?