At the verge of a nervous breakdown

[sunflower]

Hi

I am new to this forum...and well I dont know where else to turn. I broke up with my bf of 2 years a month ago. I've called him twice asking for him back but all it caused was both of us crying and him telling me it is not going to work and I am making this a lot harder for both of us.

im 22 and he is 20. We broke up because we faught a lot. To me, it wasnt enough to cause a break up, but I guess it was to him. However the reason we faught a lot was because I didnt have full trust in him, he lied to me a lot. About dumb things. Things that arent even worth lying to me about. So I always questioned him. I forced myself to make things work because, well, love is blind and I was madly in love with him. I think the same went for him.

Anyways, there were other things that bothered me too about him. He wasnt working, didnt care about his appearance, was very unmotivated about life. basically partied and played games on the computer all day long. And I was in school, working, going to the gym etc. So I tried being a good influence on him by asking him to do these things with me but he just talked about his dreams and never took action.

i am truly very hurt because he broke up with me telling me we were losing our spark we always faught, yet I put so much effort and strength into us that I felt like I totally wasted my time and my gave my heart to someone that completely took me for granted.

i hate him, YET I want him back. I am very stressed out, I lost about 20 lbs this month, havent been working, eating, going to the gym, just moping. I went out a few times had my UPS and had a "who needs him!" kinda attitude but now I am sick with the flu and I want him to care for me. I feel I lost a part of myself. And maybe I am in denial but despite all the stupid things that bothered me I still felt he was the one. And now I feel so alone.

I dont know what else to do anymore. We did EVERYTHING together. Had all the same interests. And now...I have nothing. All my friends are totally different from me..he was the only one who completely related to me.

Im really down.

this is really long so I will stop now. thanks for reading...

[sunflower]

my question is....how do I get over this? I been thinking suicide. But I dont want to leave my family. This is the hardest thing I ever had to go through. help.

[d1whoutf]

It is very hard to get over these things, I know that; but never think of suicide; that isn't the way you can solve things. I know the depression these kind of situation causes, but you're still young, you haven't lived your life at all!

It's not OK to eliminate the problem; you have to solve it.

If I were you, I wouldn't use the phone. I would prefer meeting the other person "by coincidence". Get one of your friends that also knows him to hang out with him. When you meet him, try to talk personaly. I would try to find out what the problem about him is. Tell him how bad you want him and that you want him back.

Love is strong. If you love him, you have to be strong too.

However, if it doesn't work (it will work) don't fall. You must open your eyes and realise that the world is huge and full of oportunities.

I hope this helps you.

If there are any mistakes, forgive me, but I'm not very good at typing.

[sunflower]

Heya thanks for replying...

Well, he made it perfectly clear he does not wanna be friends for a while because he said otherwise he will never get over me. And he is not thinking too highly of this relationship right now and doesnt wanna go through the "break up" all over again. I know if we do see eachother we will totally get back together out of emotions taking over and not logic.

When I am feeling needy I wanna be with him. He was always there for me. But the logical thing was he lied a lot I was always stressed over what was true and what wasnt, it drove us both nuts. He didnt even make an effort to try and change and make things work so he thought a break up would be best. And I thought about it and thought the same because trust is the number 1 imortant thing is a relationship--who am I kidding to be with someone I cant trust you know?

But now that we are broken up i really miss him and feel like a part of me is missing. And I wonder if he feels the same....the last few times I spoke to him he told me he thought the same.

I think I know his problem..I was/am in a high stage in my life right now--Im a graphic artist, graduated from college, going traveling at the end of the year, good with money--hes not working, feeling sorry for himself, not going to school, and terrible with money. He told me he always felt "lower" and couldnt understand why I was with him. I hated him for telling me that--but then Id lecture him about getting a job and that way we can go on more dates!! We hardly went out because he never had money! And Im not gonna pay for everything. I agreed to at least pay for myself (I believe in equality) but he couldnt pay for himself!

A part of me wants him back and a part of me doesnt. I am in a touch situation in my life right now--I just graduated from college, I quit my current job and am looking for something else , my life isnt as busy as it was before. So I am always thinking about him. And it sucks. My moods always change. Is this normal?

[SwingFox]

Hi subfl0wer,

 

I am sorry to hear what has happened to you. Love is a funny thing and sometimes hard to understand, too.

 

You say that you had so much in common. To be honest I see a lot of differences between the two of you. You have set goals in life, where he was 'just dreaming'. You had a job, where he was just playing games on his computer.

 

The basic things of a relationship are communication and respect. You have to be willing to dedicate yourself to someone you accept as they are. You said you wanted to influence him. I find that a good quality, but could it be possible that you tried to change him? This is a big difference.

 

Right now it looks like that you are not going to be together. You asked us how to get over this. My advice in these situations is always to accept your pain and hurt. Accept it as part of your healing process. It's okay to cry. Try to set your mind on different things again, such as finding a job again and going back to the gym.

 

I hope this helped you and I wish you good luck in your future.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[aradia]

im so sorry to hear what you aer going through. I can competely understand. and your story is almost identical to mine. Our boyfriends sound like they could have been the same person, and how they acted afterwards is the same. Also we were together 3 1/2 years and lived together.

 

So anyway, my advice to you is to just cut all contact with him for now. you need to heal yourself first. This is what i did. first i begged and pleaded , then i tried rational bargaining, then i realised that all this stuff i was doing was just pushing him further away.

 

THE BEST THING TO DO right now is to stop being in contact with him, and stop other people telling you how he is, etc. If he was the one that ended it, you running after him is just going t make him run further away. But if you stop chasing, he'll be surprised by this, and he may even come back towards you and lessen the distance. But please try to stop chasing, even if it has no effect on him, it will make you feel a hell of a lot better.

 

Keep telling yourself YOU CAN HANDLE THIS.....i mean, look at you, you have handled it so far, and you are even askng for advice and stuff, that shows a smart, together kinda girl to me!

 

The weight loss is normal, i too lost a s**t load of weight.....although this was kinda a bonus.

 

Im now 5 weeks out of the break-up, and i am telling you this from my heart. I feel ok! At first i wanted to die, or just go to sleep forever so that it wasnt all real, but thats a normal feeling too. Everyday you get through is an achievement. Be kind to yourself. Stop thinking of him and start thinking of you.

 

I have taken all this advice and i now feel much better, much stronger as a person, and just more positive. On top of this, my ex is now wanting us to be friends and we have met a few times. If i had kept begging, showing my upset to him, crying and pleading, he would have continued to lose respect for me, and think me pathetic an try to put more distance between us. Thing is, now we are 'friends' im not that worried about being friends anymore, and although i miss having 'someone' there, i dont want him back anymore. You too will get to this stage, everyone does, it jsut takes time.

 

I recommend you to read a book called "feel the fear....and do it anyway" this helped me alot! also, there is a website/comunity called lifted hearts, and it has a web-book called 'this side of goodbye'.this is also a very good book. even go see a herbalist (i saw one and she made me a 'potion' which had lots of things including bach remedies in it, and this helped me lots too.) Sleep plenty, cry plenty and just take it easy on yourself. There is also anothe website which i highly recommend called link removed

 

Take care of yourself, and know that although you feel hurt now, there are still lots of people who love you more than anything and would be feeling worse than you do right now if you were to leave them.

 

aradia

 

'apathy is better than misery'

 

if

[sunflower]

Wow thanks guys for all the advice....Its very true what you are saying. Its a tough situation. And I hate every bit of it. At moments I do go on and feel good. And then there are other moments where I feel like crap--specially now I have the stomach flu. I never get sick and this is making things worse.

You said to stay away from people who will tell me how he is...that is what i am having MOST trouble with. You see, we became so adjusted to eachothers lives that all friends were OUR friends. So now everyones caught in the middle. We both went raving a lot, and now he hates to which is good on my part but I am guaranteed to bump into a lot of people we know and they will ask all kindsa questions etc. And the problem is this is the only form of socializing I love to do. And without that--my life will be boring. I am taking a trip to eurpe at the end of this year(hopefully) to work and get away from everything. He knows about it, and sounded kind of in shock. Because I am going for 8 months.

he is a strange person to read. A month before we broke up he had told me that he wants me to move to Toronto with him. And he always told me that when we move out it should be seperatly at first and then we can move in together. But he told me he wanted to prove how serious he is with me so he asked me that. I hesitated at first and said I willhave to see because it was a pretty serious question. I told him later on that I MIGHT because there are a lot more job offers down there than here. And he sounded happy. Then he breaks up with me. It just doesnt make any sense. I guess I have to stop analyzing right? heh

[diplomacy2000]

In all honesty, if you care more about money than you do about your boyfriend, then obviously you shouldn't be together.

[sunflower]

Hi, maybe I didnt explain my situation properly....

I been with him for 2 years. And in those 2 years he hasnt had a job once. So I obviously didnt care about material things from the beginning (never have never will). But when it comes to a point where we cant even go out because hes always broke, and I have to pay for everything I can only take so much of that. In all honesty, it never bothered me to the point of wanting to break up with him. The fact he was a liar made me want to break up with him. But yes there comes a time when a woman does want to be taken out once in a while. And he did take me out--I can count on one hand in 2 years how many times hes taken me out. But still! I didnt let it get to me. He kept lying and that was what made things really rough. So I hope you understand--money isnt all that matters to me.

[Sandie]

You relationship sounds very similar to one I had many years ago and let me tell you how blind love is! If he lies now, he will lie in the future. Does he lie to his friends, even about stupid things? You need to act like you don't care(fake it!) and that you are cool with the break up. I agree with the other post to you that you might want to accidentally run into him, but make sure it's not obvious. Then by all means act like you DON'T CARE.

Smile alot . Look happy. That is --if you still want hime back.

You may be sooo much better off without him. I know you can't see that right now because you are in pain, but girl, you sound like you have a life and he needs to get one. The pain will subside if you keep busy. Hang out with girlfriends and don't turn down any dates, even if you don't think you want to go. He may then want you back and you may decide he's not worth it. You WILL heal. It just takes holding your head up high and say to yourself " he's the one who is losing out!" Hope this helps.

[sunflower]

Yeah he lies to his friends...thats why they have been coming to me telling me they consider me more of a friend.

i still have mood swings all the time with him. Like sometimes I freak out and want him back...(most of the time actually) and other times Im ok....I do admit its better than it was a month ago. But I still sometimes think--maybe we are meant to be we just dont know it right now?

Ugh I dunno....its rough.