is there anything left for me to do? :(

[flavia88]

recap: the way things ended with me and my ex was that he was being kind of insensitive and was ignoring me so i aked him what he actually wanted and whether he wanted to be with me. he said he was confused and didnt know what was on his mind, but still wanted to be with me. but i was really getting hurt with the way he was treating me. so i broke up with him. and told him that we should just go into NC, because previously we broke up once and tried being friends but it was too painful for me.

so he said that although he still likes me a lot and hasnt been attracted to anyone else in months, he felt something was missing and agreed to go for the clean break thing although "he felt sad just from typing it" (this happened over email). We didnt see each other for a week or so and then i was missing him a lot although i didnt want to get back with him. so i asked him if he wanted to stop by some time. he came immediately after he got my email. but after a while he said "you are being flirtatious" because you want me back. he said that with such a disgusted face that i felt like shooting myself. and i said no. i dont want you back. and left and later told him that i don't want to see him ever again. he said that it hurts us both too much to not see each other at all and so he hopes we can be friends although he wont write to me unless i write him. and i ended saying that after that discussion that night, it wont be all that hard for me. so.

and i havent seen/talked to him in a week. it is hard at times. but i have decided that i won't contact him myself because he will once again very likely insult me with that... you want me back... thing.

i just wanted to know if there is anything left for me to do.......

i am still sad that this thing ended this way. i am not sure if i want to be in a relationship anymore after how he hurt me, but i also understand him quite well and i think he did this because although he has feelings for me, he is afraid that it wont work out. i think he's just afraid and is blocking himself out from me beause of that......i have been in other relationships before but i never felt like the way i felt for him. in the beginning he also had very strong feelings... but somehow, i think its because both of us are such bad communicators... things just changed over time. and while i think i liked him more as time went on, for him , he felt more distant.

 

i dont know what to do... i guess i am just confused at the moment. but i do understand that right now i just need to give him space.

 

what bothered me and hurt me most was theat he kept saying he doenst feel the same way as he did before. but i can tell that he probably doesnt mean that and is saying it because he is afraid the same thign will happen again. what am i to do we are in NC now. and he said he wont contact me unless i contact him first (because i said i dont want tosee him ever again).

 

thanks for reading my very long and not so interestign post any feedback will be much appreciated.

[light bulb]

It sounds like you two still care about each other, but have some minor issues that need working out. If you can't come to terms with one another, don't try being friends, especially if he takes this as you being flirtatious. Either way, I don't believe friendships can ensue after long term relationships (well, maybe in some very rare cases friendships can work, but for 99% of us, they can't). If you want things to work out (and if he does as well), try communicating a little bit better...that seems to be the only real issue here. If you feel the relationship is a lost cause, NC is the best way to heal.

[flavia88]

thanks for your reply oatmeal. communication really was a huge issue i think- although neither of us realzied it while we were still together.

however, when he came to see me the last time, after he said i was being flirtatious, i asked him if he wanted to be with me ever again. he at first said he couldnt answer that, but after i said that ineed to know he said, no i dont.

let me give you some details of what happened earlier. in the beginning he was the one who was really intersted in being with me. he was very sweet and kept pursuing me for months. after a while i said yes. things were going pretty well for a while. However, in the beginning i always felt like we were not very similar intellectually... i never felt like discussing intelligent or intellectual things with him... also he always kept telling me how smart i was- that definitely didnt help. so i admit i was a little weird in teh beginning...e very time he would hurt me a bit, i would stop talking to him for a few days.... but then i would always go back. later he told me that those silent treatments kind of made him backout and he became defensive.

my feelings towards him, however grew a lot as we spent more time together... but i guess i always made the mistake of never opening up to him. while iknew him very well, i am afraid he doesnt really know me... as a person.

so during the last 2/3 months the main issue was that while i was actually falling for him and wanted to spend more time with him, he was gradually backing out i guess. we had 2 seriuos breakups before the last one. after the fiirst one, (which was caused mostly by the fact that i wanted to see him and he would keep telling me he was tired because he worked in teh lab all day or something), i broke up with him that time, i felt bad immediately and a few hours later i apologized and asked him to come back and was hoping to work things out. he downright refused. which i understand, because it was right after i told him i wanted it to be over. however i kept telling him that i really wanted him back and a few days later we were together again. but then it seemed to me like he was taking me for granted. he would get irritated by the slightest things and was clearly not enjoying my company... he insulted me qutie a bit one night saying why do you think annoying me is cute etc. i felt like nothing much was left of the relationship we once shared and so after thinking about it for a few days i wrote him that it was obviously not owrking out. he said something like..yah, i agree, nothing much is left. so we broke up. i felt even worse this time. and i made the same mistake of asking him to come over right after telling him that. he did come. right away. but as i was just telling him how sorry i was things didnt work out, while i was saying that, i realized that i was actually in love with him and that the reason i kept breaking up was that i constantly flet like he wasnt reciprocating and it hurt a lot. i cried for 6 hoours. but he was very cold and just sat there without saying anything. we were "friends" for a month after that... and it was killing me. even after one motnh i couldnt get him out of my mind.... and when he would send me friendly emails i just felt like destroying everything, in the end i had a long talk with him. and that day it seemed to me that although he kept saying he didnt want to come back to the relationship, he actually did want to. and i told him that i can t help thinking that if we dont try at least once more, we might be making a huge mistake since both of us felt so strongly. so we were back togehter.

the following two weeks were probbalby the happiest i have had in a long time..... things seemed liek they were going well. but after a while, i once again felt like he was igonoring me and didnt really want to spend time with me..... so i wrote him" i know i pushed into the relationshp the last time. i dont feel wanted... i feel like you dont want to be with me. do you" he said that he did feel pushed into it and he was confused but still wanted to be with me. but i couldnt handle the uncertainty adn said that we should go for a clean break. and the rest ... ive told you already.

 

i am so confused about what actually happened. he used to be so sweet to me.... and he made me so happy.. most of the time at least.....

i dont know what happened. what do you think?

 

thanks for reading my post.

[light bulb]

It seems like you're taking the relationship more seriously than he is. It doesn't sound like he has no feelings for you...just that his are not as deep as yours. I think that's why, when you invited him over, he took it as you being flirtatious and not just missing him. Maybe it would be a good idea to leave him alone for a little bit to see what happens. Maybe if he doesn't feel 'pushed', he'll make the efforts you are looking for. Maybe not though...he might just drift away. I don't know...I'm not really sure (from what you've told me) how this guy is feeling. If communication was that difficult with him, and you think improving it would be a lost cause; I don't think this relationship should go on. Initiate NC and heal in that case. Hope i helped.

[lost_puppy]

I agree with Oatmeal. It sounds like you're trying a lot harder than him; he doesn't seem to want it, at least not right now. I'd stick with NC, if only so that you can start to think straight about the whole relationship. Believe me, a few weeks of NC can really help give you perspective on the whole issue! You might realize that the relationship was never meant to be and wonder why you were so adamant about persuing it!

 

Stay strong.

 

LP

[flavia88]

i think you guys are right.

i have felt like it's not working either, just that it is very difficult for me to admit it since i gave so much into the relationship. it was my first serious one, and he was the first guy that i was physically intimate with. i think that explains why i'm being so adamant just curious... how does one actually make oneself admit the truth ? in cases like this?

 

im being just silly, am i not? oh well... i should just study real hard for a while ...that should take my mind off it.

 

i have been in NC for the last week and i feel much more productive. there are times when i feel very sad, but i get a lot more work done these days....i think the sadness will just go away with time... i'll just wait and see what happens.

 

thanks for your replies!

[lost_puppy]

My first relationship (I've only had 2 in my life, each one lasted 2.5 years) was really tough to get over. This one is so far feeling easier. So I understand what you're going through, definitely keep yourself distracted, hang out a lot with friends, and all that. Keep posting if you need support. Like everything else, it takes time.

 

LP

[flavia88]

the relationship had a bad start. in teh beginning i was quite mean with him and kind of tried to manipulate the whole situation using the fact htat he was so into me. he would spend hours just standing in front oh my desk in the lab and i would ignore him adn IM my friends... etc. later he told me that he did feel jerked around then.....i guess newton's third law holds even for relationships

 

i think one should never get into a relationship unless one is willing to give it a 100% from teh very beginning. it was my first one... before this i just never paid attention to guys who would show interest.....that's how it started with him as welll.... i dont know how/why i fell for him. it's a mystery to myself. because we are very differetn--- mutual friends have been pointing that out recently....and whenever he tried to express his feelings about something, i would say to myself..."what is he talking about... that's such a trite approach!" or something like that.

two people must have mutual respect if a relationshp is to work out.... i guess.

near the end he told me repeatedly taht he just didnt feel the way he once used to.... i dont know why i didnt take that seroiusly or just back out of the thing.... i guess i was still thinking "oh he doesnt know wha he is saying " you guys will probably think i am a jerk or something....

why did i fall for him later? I STILL DONT KNOW. he told me several times that us being in a relationshp wasnt good... that we were really good as friends. its funny because now that i think of it... we shared our thoughts most when we were friends.... nothign much happened after the relationship started... we were _very_ attracted to each otehr (physically) and maybe thats why this emotional incompatibility didnt becoem a huge issue for a while.

 

one other thing is that we are both in a very demanding and time consuming degree program. while i am into thoery and can work at any time (Even all night if necessary), he is more into the labwork... so he had to go to the lab and spend 10-12 hours there everyday.....

and at the end of the day he would just say he was too tired to go anywhere or would come to see me only if we had any spicific plans like watching a certain movie or eating at a certain place... i was hurt that he couldnt bend his schedule even oce for me... i guess that just shows that his feelings werent so deep.. that hurt me a lot.

 

anyway, i just cant think of being with anyone else right now....

how do i deal with hte people who are showing interst in me now? i think i should not start seeing others right away....

thanks again for reading my long and boring posts .....

[flavia88]

hi everyone!

i just got back with my ex.... im so happy. i just hope things work out this time.

[light bulb]

 

 

Good luck!