Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Marry her as long as you're comfortable with her sleeping around behind your back and you're willing to risk both the emotional and physical consequences of that.

 

I know. But, I think that's a chance I'd be willing to take.

 

She doesn't understand you or connect with you -if she understood you at all or felt the connection you feel why in the world would she have lied to you and let you get so deeply involved with her, believing she was single and available?

 

Initially when we met, she did tell me that she was working here on a limited time contract. We agreed this would just be for fun. I got deeply involved with her because I am an emotional guy. I wear my heart on my sleeve and and I get attached to people really easily. That's just a weakness I have I guess.

 

She also didn't say anything because it was irrelevant. She felt like she didn't have a relationship with her husband so she went out to meet people. It just happened to be me.

 

After a while I got attached and fell in love with her and when I finally expressed my true feelings she then let me know about her marital status. So she told me when it became relevant to tell me. I should've backed down right then, but didn't. Because I'm an idiot and I didn't seek any help or counsel. Looking back now I would've done things differently, but I was blinded by my emotions.

 

She also offered to stay with her and move with her to Atlanta. She would've ended her relationship with her husband to be with me. I am convinced that she was saying the truth there. I think we cried in each other's arms enough in the end for me to believe her feelings were true. But, she gave her relationship with her husband another chance because she had a much bigger chance of actually living and having a relationwith someone when she goes back home.

 

Friends don't do that to each other and certainly not romantic partners.

 

True. I'll give you that.

[Donovan79]

I think she's started to look forward to seeing you as a fun game, to see how much she can lie and get away with it... how much she can use smiles and tears and touching you on the arm to make you believe things she knows you want to believe, however untrue. I think she almost gets off on it, because to date you've never once been a man and said "No. That makes no sense whatsoever, and I won't sit here and tolerate nonsense. I don't have friends like that, and I certainly don't have lovers like that. I'm gone, cya." She knows the risk of this happening is zero, so she's seeing how far you'll go. Her husband probably just clued into her BS and made the right decision to take off himself.

 

I hope I'm way off. Either she's just like you say, the best woman you've ever met, who's gonna marry you and sing you sweet songs all your life and make amazing babies with you... or she's the worst woman you've ever met, out only for herself, which includes nonstop lies and having fun playing with your heart while she goes home afterward and blows her husband.

 

You talk about greys, but I do think there's not really any in-between here.

[river82]

Hi there,

 

First just let me say what a wonderful experience it is too feel so helplessly in love with someone. When you are with them, it truly feels like nothing else matters. I believe in this situation, she very likely feels the same way about you as you do about her. Unfortunately for some people, it is really hard to let go of past ties. I do not imagine that she is entirely happy with her husband, thereby allowing herself to also fall in love with you. Just know that you do share a sweet happy memory with this girl, and carry that with you in you memory bank. As for moving on, the only thing that will heal this pain is time.

[greta96]

When I read your first message, I was thinking hey, poor girl, maybe she was indeed in a loveless marriage and she happened to stumble upon her soulmate (you), so I was really giving her the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it's life, things happen, and like you said, nothing is ever just black and white.

But the more I read your story, the more obvious it became that she is a manipulative cheater who got caught up in her many lies. I can guarantee you that the only reason why you are cutting her this enormous amount of slack is because you are truly in love with her. Or better said, infatuated, because love is different, is based on trust and honesty, and she is far, far from being a trustworthy person.

 

You are saying you understand why she did it: a lonely girl with nobody to talk to and ignored by everybody in a foreign country. Well, I don't think she was that lonely - you did meet her on a dating site, right? Believe me, good looking women are BOMBARDED with messages on dating sites, so I'm sure she was never as bored and lonely as she had you believe. So to sum up: she was a married woman who came to work in a different country and the first thing she did was opening an account on a dating site, posing as single. See where I'm getting to here?

She met guys, probably lots of them, and then she met you. You truly sound like a very nice, kind, loving guy, and cheaters have a way of sensing this. So you became the perfect candidate for her to have some fun while away from her husband, because you did things for her, you were extremely accommodating and (sorry) probably seemed more gullible than others. I've been briefly on dating sites and believe me, it's hard to find a guy who would actually bend over backwards for you. Most guys (and probably women too) are in for a superficial fun time. So that's why she stuck with you.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure she liked you and she had fun with you. She seemed almost perfect because she didn't have to deal with the worries and insecurities that other women go through when they date with the intent to marry the guy. She wasn't clingy, possessive, insecure, etc, because she had no reason to be: she had a husband to fall back on, and if the current "fun guy" didn't work out, she knew there would be another one soon. So she just relaxed and enjoyed the ride, while it lasted.

 

I don't think the Valentine's surprise shook her into telling the truth. What I think is that her husband told her around that time that he was planning to move to Canada to be with her, and that's why she conveniently decided to tell you the truth (or better said, the "truth" she figured would soften the blow and make you stick around, as I'm sure 95% of what she told you and continues to tell you is a load of bull).

Just think about it: say you have the option to choose between a person you are legally married to, but whom you don't love, who you fight constantly with by throwing things around (!), who refuses to live with you after marriage (come on now, you can't honestly believe that, what guy in his right mind would not want to live with his wife?????), and a person you're so totally in love with, who is your soulmate, who you have everything in common with.....which one would YOU choose? Yeah, it's really not a tough choice, and you know it. And yet, she chose her husband, which tells me she never really had to make a choice, she knew all along she was married in every way and she was going to stay that way.

 

There are so many poorly thought lies in everything she told you, I wish I had the space to comb through all your paragraphs and point them out to you, but I don't want to write a novel... You would see them too, if you stopped thinking with your heart and started thinking with your (upper) head...

The poor husband knows nothing about their "marital problems". And remember, you only know her version of the whole story...I bet you his version is completely different.

 

Why do you continue to hurt an innocent man? You slept with his wife, now just let them be. Would you like to be in his shoes? Is this the kind of marriage you're dreaming of, is this the kind of woman you want to be with forever??? Please open your eyes and see her for what she is. We are all strangers here on this board, we don't know each other, and yet we all see the same thing - why do you think this is? The truth is staring you in your face, my friend, all you have to do is accept it.

 

And yes, I have been in your shoes. I dated a guy a few years ago, who was "separated" from his wife. He lived in my big city because he worked here, she lived in a smaller city 2 hours away, with their 2 daughters. He basically lived with me, in my apartment. I had met his mom, siblings, friends. None of them told me the truth, that he was in fact still very happily married, I found out after he broke up with me. He just wanted something on the side, just like this woman you love so much. This type of people are pathological liars and have no consideration for others' feelings. I hated him and still do, because I never, ever wanted to be with a married man, I would never do it knowingly, and he, in his selfishness, put me in the position of living for the rest of my life knowing I had a relationship with a married man. This is not something that should be forgiven, so think long and hard about this, before making dramatic statements such as you'd be willing to marry her no matter how many hearts she's stepped on in her selfish attempt to fill out a temporary void in her life!

[Donovan79]

Round of applause for Greta.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hi Greta,

 

I am starting to feel that way now.

 

I am really upset and I am battling a severe depression.

 

I loved this woman so much.

 

Now I'm sad and angry. Everyone around me is worried.

 

Honestly I don't feel like I want to live anymore.

 

I just came out of a grueling 5 year relationship with a woman who took me for granted, yelled at me for as much as breathing the wrong way, threw tantrums at me and threw stuff at me. I was miserable but I stuck with her for 5 years and even moved out of my home town with her and we lived in in Ottawa for 3 years. 3 freakin' years of dealing with her * * * * and not having anywhere to go because I didn't have any family there or a friend's place to crash. In the last year of our relationship she was working in Toronto. I didn't see her except on weekends. I was relieved when I was by myself, but still had to deal with her over the phone constantly. And not even once, not a single freakin' time did I ever even think of cheating on her.

 

I get out of that relationship and 6 months later I found this girl from Atlanta. Everything was perfect. It was too good to be true. After spending such a wonderful time and falling in love all over again, she had to pull this * * * * on me. I feel used. I feel like a dumb piece of crap that's been flushed out. My soul is dead. I don't have any energy anymore, I don't smile, I don't fool and kid around anymore, my sense of humour is gone. I don't eat. I lost a lot of weight. And, I am battling a severe depression.

 

This feels like when I was in highschool. I met a couple of girls there but I was always too nice to them and always ended up being dumped not too long after. I was never appreciated by anyone. What's the * * * * ing point of even trying anymore. I'm 30. I'm getting old and I just wish I had a partner I could share my life with, but at my age it seems like all the good ones are taken.

 

I'm lonely, my friends in my hometown are all gone and the few of them I have left I barely have anything in common with them anymore, especially after being gone for 3 years. I spend every night alone, walking around the city with nothing to do and no one to talk to.

 

I'm so sick of this * * * * .

 

I'm a damn good guy and I never deserved to be treated that way.

 

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!

 

I just want to go talk to that girl face to face and tell her how she made me feel. I want her to tell me the truth once and for all and to stop bull * * * * ting me. I want her to understand that she deeply profoundly hurt me.

 

And I don't give a rat's ass about her husband. He actually gave her divorce papers. She should let the guy go with the last shred of dignity he has left instead of trying to cling to him.

 

I want to call her and tell her I want to see her in person this weekend.

 

Anyway, I got an appointment with a therapist friday. I guess I should wait to see the therapist before I do anything else.

[Snny]

Honestly I don't feel like I want to live anymore.

.... really? You're really going to let this one, deceitful s**t cause you to feel this way? Don't. She isn't worth your time anymore or your emotional investment.

 

One advice I will give... as harsh as it comes out... don't be a tool. You can start by not allowing people to use you for their own self gained profit. Coming from a female perspective after reading this entire thread... you allow women to take advantage of your loneliness and situation and you come accross a "tool" for them to play upon those weaknesses for their own personal use. People (not just women) do this... it's apart of society unfortunately, but you don't have to let it rule your life. When you don't give them that option, you start to weed out the most trustworthy people from those who are selfish and abuse your trust on multiple occasions. You also earn yourself some self respect and gain it from those around you.

 

I say it's time for you to start taking a stand for yourself. Work with your therapist to regain the confidence and how to handle people who are Tricks.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Yeah this relationship started as a fling. She told me she had to head back to Atlanta the same year I met her on the first day we met.

 

But I developed feelings for her, I can only blame myself for that, but I swear I thought she had developed feelings for me too by the looks of it. After dating me for a few months she decided to extend her contract another 2 years. Also, who would go on a trip to New York with a fling????

 

I don't even know what to think anymore. I am beyond confused. My head is spinning thinking about it all.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I just keep thinking back on the day I went to pick up my stuff from her place.

 

I told her I loved her so much and that after this I felt used like an old dirty sock.

 

I told her I didn't deserve this.

 

She said herself I didn't deserve this and that I had been one of the best friends she's ever had.

 

I cried so much and so did she. I mean, as manipulative as she might have been, there must have been a shred of emotions and feelings on her part. It couldn't have been all a lie.

[truman2017]

I would like to get other people's input on this.

 

Especially those who have been on the "cheating" end, if any. I want to understand how my girlfriend might be living through this.

 

Also, from those who have been the ones the person was cheating with. And see how they coped with this situation and how they felt.

 

in my experiences, which equal two--they always go back to the husband.period. see te therapist and you will see thing very clearly---30 years old is a young man!! you have twice that time ahead

[Snny]

I told her I loved her so much and that after this I felt used like an old dirty sock.

 

I told her I didn't deserve this.

 

She said herself I didn't deserve this and that I had been one of the best friends she's ever had.

 

I cried so much and so did she. I mean, as manipulative as she might have been, there must have been a shred of emotions and feelings on her part. It couldn't have been all a lie.

This is what an "emotional affair" is. People who are unhappy with their relationships/marriages initiate them with single people who are vulnerable. Whether it was intentional or not, she played you like a pawn. As a married woman, she should know better.

 

Work with your therapist so you can get over this and move on with life.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Oh lord.

 

I did a search for her husband's name and I found his flickr account with their wedding pictures.

 

They go married in May of last year and I started dating her in June!!! That's just 1 month apart!!!!!

 

WHAT THE ACTUAL * * * * !?!?

 

I found her facebook profile. I was able to make a timeline of some stuff that happened in her life for the past 2 years or so.

 

I wish right now I had the energy to go see her right now and tell her how disappointed, angry and hurt I am. And what I think of her right now.

[SomeGeekGuy]

The guy even made a website for the wedding invitation.

 

God I wish I had seen this before.

[Donovan79]

Well, man. Now you're in my boat. I'm so, so sorry. You met a woman you thought you shared an emotional connection with and maybe you did, but in the end it was all built on a foundation of lies. First beer is on me.

 

Look, SGG. Your ex may be interesting and attractive, but in her heart of hearts she's a selfish, terrible, damaged, awful person. She sucked you dry until you had no more love to give, and she'll keep trying to get more. She not only willingly destroyed your life, but also her husband's. I would imagine that poor bastard has been hearing nothing but bulls#%& the whole time as well, but fortunately for you, he's the one now cursed to a life of her lies. Can you imagine how many more times that poor guy is going to get cheated on?

 

When things went south with me and my girl, all I wanted to do was finally catch her in a lie she couldn't talk her way out of. I think I just wanted to see recognition in her eyes of how sh%&y of a person she was. That I'd caught her and was better than her. And that she'd apologize. But after two months of her crap, I came to realize -- she would never admit it. She was able to sleep at night by having an amazing ability to tell herself that she was a good person, and all the nonsense she said was the truth. You can't confront a liar with their lies -- they just come up with more. It becomes a game to them. A game called "How Much BS Can I Get Away With?", and they play to win.

 

There's only one way to beat them at this game. You walk away from it. Send her a short goodbye if you have to, better yet, don't, then delete her from your life and do not ever, ever respond to her again. It'll be hard at first, trust me. She'll beg to speak to you and tell you everything you want to hear. And you're gonna hurt a lot for awhile. It's been five weeks since I did the same and my mind is still trying to make sense of it all.

 

But in the end, I got a great piece of advice from a friend who doesn't usually give great advice. To summarize:

 

"Chris. Listen. You're gonna meet another girl someday soon. She's going to be amazing. She's going to have all the qualities that Ella [my ex] was lacking. And you two are going to fall deeply in love. And one day after you've been together for awhile, you're going to have That Talk about your exes, good and bad. And when it comes to Ella, how are you going to want to tell that story? To say that you stalked her until you knew the truth? To say that you dragged it out for months because you were desperate for her to admit it, even though you knew she was lying?

 

Or will you tell her that you acted like a man, just cut it off clean when you found out, and walked away, proud, knowing you would soon find someone better than that?"

[SomeGeekGuy]

Chris,

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't want to listen. And I'm sorry that you are in the same situation. I understand now why you were so harsh.

 

The problem is that I won't find another girl like her. Not here in Montreal, or even Quebec anyways. She had a charm that no woman has here. Also, she had reached a certain maturity that I have a hard time to find in young women these days. Because she was kicked out of the house as a late teenager, lived on friends' couches while working as a pizza delivery girl, fought cancer and went through an important operation to remove it while in college and went through a couple of marriages, she built up a lot of character and developed skills and competencies that I look for in a woman at an age where you're ready to settle down. Also her set of interests matched mine quasi perfectly. That's why I have such a hard time letting go. She was my best friend while it lasted.

 

I find most girls here in Montreal and even in Quebec in general are all a bunch of * * * * * y girls acting like princesses who have had everything in life handed to them by their parents whenever they asked for it. So they take a good hard working man for granted and only want materialistic things and luxury and believe the man should give them everything they want. I know I'm generalizing here, but that's how I feel about most women my age.

 

I have been thinking of confronting her and try to get some truth out of her and to make her see how much she hurt me and how what she is doing is completely wrong. I want her to feel bad for what she did. Because I know that she knows that I am a good person. And she knows that I didn't deserve this in the end. And having gone through relationships where she has been cheated on herself, she should know what it feels like. But the fact remains that she lied and used me from the very beginning to the very end, so like you said, trying to do anything around these lines with her would probably be in vain.

 

I have been very irrational because of my emotions and because I've been coping with a serious depression. When I saw her wedding pictures this morning, I swear I had a sudden urge to kill myself. I went completely crazy. The woman that I love, in a wedding dress with another man as her groom, fully knowing that's who she's trying to get back to. I took off and I went to talk to the receptionist at work. She noticed me this week coming in with a very bad expression on my face and she told me that if I wanted to talk she will gladly listen. (Don't worry, there's nothing going on between us. She's actually engaged.) Actually, everybody thinks I'm sick because I haven't eaten well in over 2 weeks and I can barely sleep for about 3-4 hours per night and I don't talk to anyone. I have dark pockets under my eyes and I'm pale and I lost a lot of weight.

 

I will take your advice. I'll write her an email with a summary of what I wanted to say and tell her my goodbyes and that's it. If she did have any feelings for me at all I guess that will bring them out and she'll probably chase after me. And I'll try to be strong through that period and start mending myself.

[Donovan79]

I know just what you're feeling. But please trust me -- most girls out there may be terrible, but if even 0.1% are great for you, one in a thousand ain't bad. Hell, once you subtract out all the old women and teenagers and chicks with no teeth and crazy Canadian strippers you're already down form 1000 to 250 or so, and surely you can ask out 249 crap women again if it means #250 is the one true love of your life, right?

 

Anyway, man, write that email but don't send it right away. Trust me on this one. I did the same thing but the instant I hit send I regretted it. Just write it all out, but don't send. Wait a day. Then look at it again, and edit it like you need to, then don't send it again. On the third day, if you still want to send it, fine, send it, but expect nothing back. And think very, very hard about what you want to achieve with that letter. An apology you'll mayyybe get. Total confession, no.

 

The problem is that with the letter the power is then back in her court, and if she doesn't respond you feel like crap. And if she responds with some more BS like "Baby you'll always have a special place in my heart you were the best and I'll always treasure those times I'm just gonna go blow my husband now and then cheat on him with half the Canadian Mounted Police" it's not going to fix what's inside you.

 

Like too many guys (and girls) you screwed up by giving your heart to someone who didn't deserve it. Okay, lesson learned. But now it's time to move forward. Shut that b%@&& down.

[SomeGeekGuy]

You know, I've already started on that letter. It started off all lovey dovey and remembering our good times we spent together and how much it all meant for me.

 

But as time goes by, I'm reading it over and it just sounds more and more silly, so I cut it down and edit it and change things and I'll try to shorten it to make a precise point.

 

But yeah, I've been working on that.

[Donovan79]

It's better to not send anything at all. If you must, just please don't send it today. Sleep on it, think hard about what outcome you hope to get, then tomorrow see if the letter still says what you want it to. My guess is that eventually you'll realize that silence sends the loudest message of all.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Sometimes I wonder.

 

Is it me that has taken this out of proportions?

 

This relationship started as a fling, by mutual agreement. Then friends with benefits. Then I developed feelings for her and it went downhill from there.

 

Then again, I was unknowingly involved with a married woman. Something I never set out to do in the first place and would never do, under normal circumstances. And when I learned about it I was emotionally involved and I didn't make a rational decision to drop everything.

 

Maybe on her side of the story she always saw me as a friend with benefits at most and never really went further than that. But yeah, she used me to fill a void created by the absence of her husband.

 

Just re-reading my post I realize I am still very confused. I can't wait to go see the therapist tomorrow.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I've been writing my emotions down for weeks now. Today was the first time I wrote down something angry. It really started to come out.

 

But, based on ChrisMac's suggestions, here is my message with my final thoughts and goodbyes. I tried to keep it short and sweet and to the point. I don't think I need to ramble on about this or that question and try to ask for answers.

 

 

 

 

I don't know if I'm too harsh in there. I would still like to keep in touch with her if her husband doesn't take her back. Do you think this email would kill that chance??

[Donovan79]

Great man. Now do NOT send it. It's too long, it gives her the satisfaction of knowing that despite all her s#%* you still care, and most of all... there's no point.

[Silverbirch]

 

The problem is that I won't find another girl like her. Not here in Montreal, or even Quebec anyways. She had a charm that no woman has here. Also, she had reached a certain maturity that I have a hard time to find in young women these days. Because she was kicked out of the house as a late teenager, lived on friends' couches while working as a pizza delivery girl, fought cancer and went through an important operation to remove it while in college and went through a couple of marriages, she built up a lot of character and developed skills and competencies that I look for in a woman at an age where you're ready to settle down. Also her set of interests matched mine quasi perfectly. That's why I have such a hard time letting go. She was my best friend while it lasted.

.

 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through but how can you know how much of this is true, especially given that she has told some very serious lies to you. It sounds as though her husband may be equally besotted with her. There are people who have a serious need to be totally adored and I'm guessing she COULD be a chameleon type who seeks out members to join an adoring fan club. Also, you say she has been through "a couple of marriages". How many has she told you of. She is seriously not normal to have been hooking up with anyone, especially after having been married such a short time prior. This woman can only hurt you and any man who becomes involved with her. I'm sorry.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Woke up this morning with a panic attack and in a sheer state of loss. I must've dreamt about her and I was missing her presence so much this morning. And there's this song that immediately popped up in my head the second I was awake. It's a song that was playing on her iPod alarm clock radio in the morning when I was sleeping over at her place. It reminds me of her every time.

 

I just had a therapy session this morning.

 

I didn't have the chance to say much. I mostly talked about the background story. I could only quickly tell the therapist how the relationship ended. And a very brief summary of our last face to face discussion we had when I went to get my stuff. I also told her about my doubts and fears from what I have read from this forum and the thoughts of her being dishonest and possibly having slept with her husband the very few times she went back to Atlanta.

 

So she told me that this girl probably did have some degree of feelings for me and she must have liked me because nothing was forcing her to stay with me all this time and to be so nice to me. She could've easily just dumped me to date any other guys, but didn't.

 

She also told me that I was obviously grieving but that I shouldn't relate with what other people tell me and that I should just think about my own experience, what I lived through and what I felt during that time. I am the only one who really knows what really happened between us and who really felt what we had. So the memories I have shouldn't be remembered as something that was all a lie or in vain, but rather something that was good while it lasted and that she probably was sincere and meant every good thing she did for me even though she hadn't been honest. Which is what my girlfriend actually told me.

 

That put me back in a weird state where I feel that not everything was lost or was a lie after all. But, I am still very angry and upset and still seek the truth on certain unclear issues. I guess I'll keep on writing my thoughts down to track them and talk about it with the therapist.

 

Anyway. I cried a lot and it felt good.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Also, you say she has been through "a couple of marriages". How many has she told you of.

 

From what she told me, her first marriage of many years was with some rave DJ guy she met sometime in her early twenties. Her dad worked at a newspaper company and get her and her husband a job working there. Her husband ended up cheating on her with some office ho who was known flirting and sleeping around with other employees.

 

The second marriage apparently never went through. She was just engaged and apparently her fiance had cheated on her there too. I didn't get too many details on that one.

 

This one was her third wedding. When we had our last face to face discussion I asked her about it and how come that after being in a relationship with the guy for barely a year, having never even lived together under the same roof, and being on such a long distance relationship where she barely saw him, she still agreed to marry him when he came by surprise one Christmas and proposed to her. Also, she had told me that she had been in many arguments and fights with him after moving up here. So that just plain boggled my mind. Her answer was that he seemed committed enough and that their relationship was great while they were together in Atlanta and she was hoping that would it come back to what it was when her contract is over and she's back in Atlanta.

 

You know, writing about this is really hard on me. To actually think about her having feelings for someone else is tearing me apart inside.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't know about this therapist, but in his/her defense it will take many more sessions before you can fully explain it all to her.

 

She's making a lot of assumptions about the feelings of your ex who's demonstrated she's as dishonest and devious as they come. I think her whole life has been about her getting the things she wants by whatever means she can regardless of the impact to others and you were just filling a role for something she needed (companionship and attention) at the time. I don't see how it's going to help you to heal to continue thinking there was anything honest or real about that relationship on her side.

 

Good luck with the counseling. If it's your first time, don't hesitate to switch to someone different after a few sessions if you don't feel it's helping. Quality of therapy is really hard to determine until you start working with someone.