I feel so guilty

[CLIMBK]

i have finally accepted the breakup, and part of that is learning where i went wrong.

and it was this:

when i was with her, I NEVER told her how i felt about her, not in a meaningful way anyway, when i was away i got so used to being that way and taking her love for granted that i did not make the effort to contact her, and as a reason she found someone else who gave her the love and attention and realised what a fool i was. i totally blame myself for the breakup, and for everything else.

when i came back i feel like i did not pursue her hard enough, and i know and accept its never going to happen.

Now here is where i am, i am still "firends" with her. we dont speak that often maybe once every 2-3 weeks.

I feel rotten thinking back to how much of an * * * * * * * i was, i did not treat her bad but never replicated the love she gave me.

I want to tell her how sorry i am, and that even though i know we cant be together she has taught me a valuable lesson.

is that too selfish of me to do?

i know in time things wont matter, and all this will just be meaningless, but i dont want her to remember me as the guy who was so cold. ah i am so confused, on the one hand i think its so selfish on the other i have this undying urge to tell her how sorry i am for being the way i was. BUT i must make it clear that i KNOW and HAVE NO INTENTION of being with her again.

what do i do?

[charity]

if she has a bf now then i advise that you leave well alone for now. it is enough that YOU have realized and accept responsibility for the break up. that is a huge learning curve and will stand to you for the future. if you guys are still talking once in a while then you must be on ok terms so that should be enough. how long has it been since the break up? if she wanted you back what would you do?

[CLIMBK]

its been about 4 months.

she doesnt have a bf, she left me for someone else but he cheated on her with her best friend. she still likes him, but has made it clear we cant be together, and i agree with her.

i would try and work things out, but i believe they just wont. if we were together, she would always regret not takng a chance on the other guy, and i would feel like a burden on her.

its just i feel that had i made more of an effort all this would have never happened! i mean i dont know for how long we would have been together, but this is certainly not how it would have ended. and for the sake of sanity i want to tell her these things.

[ElChup]

You say that you have accepted the break up. I am not sure you have. You seem to be in that phase where you are full of self-blame and regret. That, ultimately, is because part of you thinks maybe if you correct those mistakes you would have a second shot at it. What do you reckon on that theory?

 

It's hard being dumped when you think you are to blame. I saw the phrase "forced dumper" on here yesterday and it got me thinking about my own relationship and whether or not I was to contribute. Ultimately I think it is not self-serving to keep blaming ourselves, even if we were, indeed, to blame. All it serves to do is destroy our confidence and tell us that we are useless. That isn't going to bring the person back and it's going to make it harder to move on with our lives.

[CLIMBK]

Its somewhat true, to the point where i regret and self blame, but only because i know we cant go back. if there was any hope of being together again, i would not carry such deep regret.

i wish i had picked up that phone, i wish i was fearless in my love, and that she did not met that other guy. but i cant change the past i can only prepare for the future. and in future if there is any hope i want her to remember me not as a distant cold man, but as a guy who messed up

i can lie to myself but of course i wish she was still with me. i am such a fool.

i wish life were as simple as it used to be.

[mhowe]

All of what you want to do is about you. And how you feel. And relieving your guilt or burden.

 

She knows all of this -- so leave it alone. And learn from your mistakes so you do not repeat them in your next relationship. She is not overthinking this now, she has moved on, and you need to as well.

[ElChup]

Its somewhat true, to the point where i regret and self blame, but only because i know we cant go back. if there was any hope of being together again, i would not carry such deep regret.

This is a potentially alarming sentence. It's almost as if you are saying that you only have regrets because she walked out, but that you have not actually learned what behaviours caused it because had she not walked out you would not see those behaviours as much of a problem.

 

The most beneficial thing you can get out of this is an understanding that if you did make mistakes and behave badly, then that behaviour is bad whether or not you are currently in a relationship. Surely that's logical, no?

[CLIMBK]

This is a potentially alarming sentence. It's almost as if you are saying that you only have regrets because she walked out, but that you have not actually learned what behaviours caused it because had she not walked out you would not see those behaviours as much of a problem.

 

The most beneficial thing you can get out of this is an understanding that if you did make mistakes and behave badly, then that behaviour is bad whether or not you are currently in a relationship. Surely that's logical, no?

 

well the thing i did wrong was NEVER tell her how i felt, i always kept her at a distance, never let her get close, and when i was away i realised how much i actually loved her, BUT it was too late.

thing is i learnt from previous relationships never to take things too fast.. so i thought i had learnt my lesson, i came back with so much love to give her but of course it was too late.

the frustration is killing me. i miss her tonight so god damn much.

[CLIMBK]

SO i had a grand thought this morning while bouncing around on the Tube.

I have trapped myself in a circle. a vicious horrible circle.

When i try to accept its over forever, and that all that love is gone, i get a little reminder of her through a "like" or comment on FB or a little thought that she still stays in contact with me and all the words she said when we broke up.. and back it goes.. maybe its not over maybe she still has feelings. and then i panic thinking maybe i should do something, and why is it that i am doing nothing?! i should call text etc etc.. then i think hang on.. she left me for someone else, who she is more than likely going to be with when he gets back. but i blame myself for her being with this guy?! jeesus. i dont know what to do, i am scared of letting go, at the same time i an scared of pursuing in case i get rejected, and loose her completely!

thats where the guilt, confusion and everything else is coming from!

[mhowe]

You need to accept that you have lost her -- whether you want to blame her or yourself doesn't matter.

 

If at some point in the far future, she contacts you, you can respond. But you need to accept that your relationship is over, and she left you for someone else.

[FreeFallFeelin]

In your original post you also spoke of being in contact pretty regularly. If you spend any time here on this forum, you'll see that No Contact is standard protocol after a break up. You need to completely remove that person from you life while you heal and recenter your self. Otherwise, as you now see, the little bread crumbs here and there will keep you stuck in limbo. It's very hard to cut off all communication, but like quitting a drug, it's the best way.

[thousandyear]

I know how you feel now is horrible and you feel a lot of regret. That's something I actually think you should be proud of yourself for, to have self realization... many people never have self realization... I'm going to play the devil's advocate here, because it sounds like you are saying her new bf hasn't treated her that well and has cheated on her. If her new bf is a great guy and is making her truly happy, then I would say you need to deal with your own emotions... you had her once but you lost your chance. I'm sorry. Now that you have learned, you will not take your next significant other for granted and perhaps will have a fruitful and loving relationship. But if she is not truly happy and you suspect she still has feeling for you, then:

 

(1) Have you truly analyzed the reasons for the failure of your relationship? Is there no other reason than you taking her for granted? If so, if you had another chance with her, would you change and truly be able to appreciate her for who she is and love her with all you have?

(2) Do you think she is the one?

 

If you sincerely feel that you taking her for granted is the only reason for the break-up and that you thinks she is the one, then you can consider telling her, for if you sincerely think she is the one, you need to let her know so that she can make the decision whether to get back together, keep you as a friend or go no contact. But if there are other problems in the relationship and those haven't been dealt with, then there are still potentially going to be other problems, and perhaps you are just feeling bad now because you had a lost in your life.

 

If you are not sure she is the one, but only feel bad about what happened, then don't tell her. It would be too selfish to tell her something that's not going to change any outcome. In this case, you need to deal with your own feelings. If you need to go no contact to recover, go no contact. If you want to have her in your life as a friend and care for her and protect her as a friend, then maintain your current contact, but you have to be sure not to step over the boundaries and do more than what a friend does. It's not fair for her to give her false signals and cause her to have emotional rollercoaster experience because of your own emotional issues.

 

I sincerely think that the only thing that an ex can say to make a person feel good is if (1) the ex realized his/her mistakes, apologized, learned, has changed and wants to reconcile... and (2) the other person is currently not in a happy relationship. Any other combination would result in further pain on both sides. If the ex realized the mistakes and want to reconcile, but the other person is happy in a new relationship, why rock the boat for the happy individual (he/she has already moved on and has forgiven or even if not forgiven, they have moved on and are happy, why remind them of things in the past? It doesn't matter anymore. Their heart has healed)? If the ex realized the mistakes but is not interested in reconciling and just wants to apologize... what's the goal? It's good that the realization came, but there is not going to be any change in outcome... if the other person is not in a happy relationship, then this revelation will simply trigger further memories in someone who is on their way to healing (an apology is not going to change the hurt that has been caused. Some think that it may give closure, but realistically words are only words, if there is no change in outcome/action, it's probably not going to be sufficient to make that person feel better).

 

Just another perspective. I hope I did not offend anyone and I am not saying that the other perspectives/opinions are wrong, just throwing out a different perspective. Would love to hear what others have to say. Thanks!

[Lansing]

I felt some regrets as well with my ex and not expressing myself verbally about how I felt about her, but, in retrospect, I realize there were reasons why I was hesitant to express myself. I felt like I was showing how much I cared for her but I wasn't getting either that action or verbal message from her. In the end, I think she had problems communicating as well. For the OP, did she really show you how SHE felt about you or told you how she felt about you? Maybe there was a real reason why you didn't tell her how you felt beyond your own issues. Did she communicate with you what SHE needed from you? If she didn't give you a chance to change your ways while you were with her then I wouldn't feel so guilty.... My EX didn't communicate a lot with me and I was the one that brought up relationship issues that she didn't really address but when we broke up she was basically saying that we didn't communicate even though I feel like I did try....

[CLIMBK]

thanks for the in depth reply.

I have truly analyzed the relationship.. and yes it was the fact that i always took her for granted. she always made it clear that she liked me, and i for some stupid reason i kept her at a distance, where i should have held onto her. i completely and utterly took her love for granted, to the point of arrogance. If she did come back to me, which is as likely as me growing a third arm, i would do anything and everything to make it work. I would tell her what a fool i was, and appreciate her as the wonderful strong girl she is.

as for the new boyf, she met him when i was travelling. i had not called for a week, she was upset and then she met him, he was charming nice etc etc, he liked her KNEW she had a boyf, but still persisted. obviously she fell for him too. they had a little romantic month together, then she found out he slept with her best friend. he went back to his home country in jan, but is returning in a couple of weeks. He has been away for longer than me! YET he gets to come back and walk into her arms, having screwed up a friendhip and lied, yet just because he was vocal about how he felt, but i suppose she really must see a future in him.

I dont know what to do, i want to chase the girl, but i dont think its right at all. I mean i always think if she is with me, she will always think about the other guy.. she is still friends with his friends etc. I know she feels the same.

 

SHe told me that the right things in life are sometimes the hardest. which i presume means that even though we could work it out.. it just wont be right. and its been so damn long. sometimes i just think i am being selfish, and i stop myself from contacting her, being friendly. sometimes i think what am i doing, go after this girl, give your heart, dont regret not trying to get her. i dont know what to do.

GOD the confusion just adds to the regret and builds to limits i have never experienced before.

[CLIMBK]

she did communicate what she needed from me, she said call me. she said she was sad because i havent called her when i was travelling. BUT i thought she was strronger than that, if she did like me that much, then surely she would understand. but its just that i never told her how i felt, and she had a feeling that i was off with random girls as you do when you travel. so she was sad and built things up in her head. and when someone new came along she thought screw it.