why does communication break down in relationship?

[gingerlemon]

This is a brilliant response. Thank you. I've already read it a few times.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Wow great thread! I've been struggling for quite a while with these issues in my relationship of over 4 years.

Communication is almost non existent. In my eyes, in his everything is fine. But I've truly been going in circles trying to decide how I can be honest about my unhappiness.

 

But I've also noticed I don't feel safe expressing myself when something bothers me, and so I keep so much bottled up. My partner doesn't believe in "talking too much" and prefers to avoid any conflict by ignoring mine or his feelings when something isn't right.

 

What led to this was him always making me feel "crazy" for feeling a certain way, shutting down and going quiet/ignoring me, agreeing just to smooth things over, etc. The usual causes.

 

After months/years of this I just have so many negative feelings building up as well as resentment and it really really sucks. I keep wondering how I could have been in love with him all these years and even planned our future, when now suddenly I find myself at a point contemplating us parting ways.

 

It's very hard to get over this hurdle and begin healthy and open communication after so many years of poor communication. Sorry, I can't really give tips and strategies which worked for me, since I'm still trying to figure it out. Just wanted to say that I know it's hard "fixing".

 

 

@penelope13: I really love the idea of retraining communication in a normal happy setting. I'd have never have thought to do that.

[gingerlemon]

I so identity with the bold. I am being a bit more open now, though. Baby steps. It's a long way to go, but it feels a bit better.

 

Sounds like you need a strategy for the 'shutting down' phase. Can you call him out on it? My H used to do that to me when I shut down. It was good because then I had to face it.

[Missing Gemini]

Here are some of the mistakes I think I have done. I have sometimes not communicated honestly because

- I didn't think that my feelings were valid or 'acceptable', that I didn't have the 'right' to feel the way I did

- I was worried about his reaction and that he would think less of me

- I spoke my mind, but then received a very emotional reaction (my H, in his own words, tends to react very emotionally at first and then reflect more later) which made me 'shut down'

- I was (still am, but I'm working on it) conflict avoidant

 

Ive been married for 7 years and for some reason we stopped communicating. I guess on my part I may have some mistakes as well, but more on when we talk it leads to argument. He got defensive or I will be defensive, so no one is at fault. So I tried to just hold my thoughts and I think he is as well and now I am suffering from it.

 

I guess what holds me from communicating, is afraid to be judge, and afraid to make him feel less about himself. I am afraid about him having doubts on my love. And lastly I am afraid to break the ideal thing about us. Our life seems perfect in the outside, but we are missing something, "emotional connection". I am trying to fix but I know it is going to require a lot of time and I need to be patient about it.

[mhowe]

Being patient and doing nothing will not solve your problem, it will make it worse.

 

Communication is pro-active. You have stopped doing it out of fear of either being judged or judging him. True communication is not about judging, it is about listening.

 

Please see a counselor or do some research. Breaking your "ideal" is the right thing to do --- ignoring it will kill your marriage.

[shadowplay]

One thing that's helped me (I am the OP btw, but was locked out of my previous account - forgot password and email address I signed up with has been closed) is that I no longer care if he judges me or not. It's very liberating and I recommend it.

[Trinity11]

My ex was always telling me off for interrupting him when we were together. While it might be acceptable for a gaggle of women to talk over the top of each other when the conversation got exciting, I learned that it is not the same when it is your partner.

While in NC I looked at the things I wanted to change, self confidence, general and in the bedroom, listening and generally just learn more about relationships.

One thing I found, that seemed that it might work in real life for our communication problem. I thought that I had a problem communicating what I wanted and he too (we were frustrated a lot), but then I realized that I had not taken the time to understand what he was saying/wanted. Then I took the thought that maybe I had no right to ask something of someone else without first trying to understand their needs/perspective first. Now I know If i repeat something back to someone information that I am not sure I understand, they will know that I am listening, and correct me if I am taking the information in wrong.

 

The second time I met up with him, I said that I was sorry, that he was right, I did not listen and that was something that I have been working on. Recently he opened up to me more than he ever has (still not a lot but I saw some real emotion) and I tried my best to listen and understand and just be there. While I may have missed my cue to invite him to spill more to me I felt good that I was really trying and he seemed to be responding. I sent a text today just to reassure him that although he may not want to talk to me about his problems, that I can be there for him.

 

It was a difficult breakup and I am not even sure he knew the real reason for breaking it off. It seems that Confidence, communication and maybe even whatever demons he is facing were the problem. I really would love if things could work out. I am just going to keep trying to understand and encourage him when he needs it.

[lilypadgirl]

Very well said. A lot to reflect on. Thanks!

[VioletteBlue]

Sometimes words are not enough! How can you balance a relation if you don't communicate properly? How can you be scared of sharing your feelings with the person you agreed to spend your life with? Why are men so afraid to share what they feel? I believe the more you communicate to one another, the better the atmosphere.

I feel just the way you feel! Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to the wall when I'm talking to my husband, there's no reply at all and that really hurts. When I try to discuss about it, he just get mad and says I'm not happy but doesn't really get that I'm trying to talk because I really want to find a solution. In my case, I'm at the point that we are always looking at each other and the only word you hear is...what? So sad! Can't live like this...

[Pleasedonot5]

It's not just the men who have problems communicating, VioletteBlue -- the problem occurs in both males and females. My current girlfriend, for example, is a god-awful communicator. It's to the point where I don't want to communicate with her because she becomes super-emotional, overreacts (not in an angry way, but in a sad, frustrated kind of way), and I feel never actually works towards fixing the things she says she will try to work on. I've attempted communication on several accounts about our problems (which, oddly enough, communication was one of the topics), but the same result occurs every time.

 

We've also clashed when it comes to sexual needs/desires, as my sex drive appears to be a healthy high, whereas hers is lower (along with every other woman I've been with, unfortunately but it's not just that. The fact that when we are unable to have sex she will tell me she wants to, and the next day (or sometimes, even hours later), she won't tell me that she doesn't want to but then will reject me when I make a move. Note that I am responsive to her sexual desires -- the only moments of intimacy we appear to have is after sex when we talk about new things that we like -- problem is, we rarely have sex because she either doesn't want to, or we can't at the time (people around, etc.). I don't feel she is responsive to mine. I've told her this, but the result, as stated before, is the same. An emotional overreaction and I end up feeling like a douchebag because I want more sex and sex is apparently frowned upon in society or something

 

So it seems I'm not communicating anymore because I don't know how to do so with her anymore, and she will not communicate most of her wants because of god knows what reason. So I'm left with a woman who doesn't tell me what she wants, and is not receptive to what I want.

 

Considering walking away from a 2.5 yr relationship over this. I feel like I would have so much more fun being single now. What should I do?