confusing ex gf

[CLIMBK]

we met up last weekend, 2 months after the final split.

we got on like we used to! laughed loads and chatted etc etc.. then we spoke about what happened, just a friends.. cleared the air etc. before we parted ( as i am madly in love with her) i stopped her and was like i want to say something.. she said dont do anything that will make things awkward. so i did not we hugged, she said well talk and then i left.

1 week later, no contact and she start complimenting me on pictures saying how cute i look and bringing up old jokes etc etc.

i am totally and utterly in love with this girl, i dont know what to do! i know she is hurting because she doesn't want this either but believes things happen for a reason and shuld be left that way!

is there anything i can do to get her back. i know she find me attractive and i can make her laugh every time i see her, but she is constantly hot and cold!

i dont want to play games, i just want to tell her how i feel. how the hell do i do this? because i fear if its out of the blue it will freak her out!

[mhowe]

If you tell her how you feel, you will lose whatever friendship you have salvaged. She specifically told you not to say anything that will make it awkward. It will freak her out. She doesn't want a "relationship" with you. She wants the old, friendly banter back. That is it.

 

Your choice. If you want more, tell her and she will run away. If you can handle being friends again, you can have that. If you can't, you have to give up the friendship as well. She is not playing games --- she has stated her guidelines. What are yours?

[CLIMBK]

i know and maybe it is that she just wants the old friendly banter back, BUT would a girl really compliment their ex so much? i know in time all this will disappear and we will both come out all the better. but i really dont want that to happen, i can happily sit on the sidelines watching it all unfold, but i know i will regret not telling her how i feel. i almost feel like she doesnt know what she wants either.. she doesnt want to be with me, but i also think she sometimes thinks the other way!

i have let go of many past relationships and moved on, but i really dont want to let this one slip..

[mhowe]

You have had a relationship, so the banter is easy. It is not the same as the initial dating, because it is comfortable. You cannot happily sit on the sidelines --- you are dying to tell her you are still in love with her, and worry about regretting not telling her.

 

She knows what she wants, and she has told you. You want more. If you tell her that, she will leave --- because she really doesn't want to be in a relationship w/ you --- she wants to be friends.

 

This is all about what you want --- and you pretending to know what she wants. Again, she told you in no uncertain terms ---friendship. That is all that is on the table.

[Ms Darcy]

It's pretty clear she knows how you feel. I would suggest not trying to think you know what is going on inside her. It's the fact that you love her that you WANT her to be confused. Doesn't mean she is actually confused. If anythig she is clear about only wanting friendship/wanting you not to say anything to make things awkward.

 

Go ahead and confess your love. If you really need to be rejected in order to move on, then so be it.

[Puck2DaHead]

It's not fair for the guy, in my opinion. Or if it is fair, then she is basically saying that I like the attention you give me, but I don't want a relationship. That's a bunch of crap! She's being slightly selfish, the way I'm looking at it. She wants to have a friendly relationship but you want more. Does she know you want more? If she doesn't, then maybe she's not being so selfish...if she does know that you want more, then she's twisting your heart for your attention. Reminds me of this awesome lyric:

 

"You desired my attention, but denied my affection." - White Blank Page, Mumford and Sons

 

Here's the link...GREAT SONG, BTW!

[mhowe]

It's not fair for the guy, in my opinion. Or if it is fair, then she is basically saying that I like the attention you give me, but I don't want a relationship. That's a bunch of crap! She's being slightly selfish, the way I'm looking at it. She wants to have a friendly relationship but you want more. Does she know you want more? If she doesn't, then maybe she's not being so selfish...if she does know that you want more, then she's twisting your heart for your attention. Reminds me of this awesome lyric:

 

"You desired my attention, but denied my affection." - White Blank Page, Mumford and Sons

 

Here's the link...GREAT SONG, BTW!

 

 

She is being clear and fair. The broke up, the met after 2 months to clear the air. She feels that it is okay to be friends now. She moved on. He gets to accept friendship or he gets to say "I LOVE YOU" and she ends friendship. She has defined her agenda ----he has not.

[MikNomis]

I say the same thing too much, but your best chances lie in pretty much doing nothing to get her back. Pursuing just chases them away and makes it easier for them to move on while doing the opposite for you. Plus, you will be most attractive when you are single, happy, and confident with life without her in it. Sucks but that's just the nature of attraction.

[CLIMBK]

thanks for the help guys,

i forgot to mention the reason we broke up was because i never told her how i felt when we were first going out.. i started to fall for her just as i was about to go travelling. she did the same.

she cried her eyes out when i left, and when i came back things were different, we talked over the period of my travels, but it wasnt enough.

btw she also met someone else when i was away, was with him, but is no longer with him anymore as he went back to his home country.

she told me, that if you like 2 guys at the same time you cant have liked the first one that much.

since the break up i have sat aside and shown her its all ok in my life. i have never ever send her any soppy text saying i miss you blah blah. it was just a week ago that we met up, and now all i want to do is have her back. i suppose the biggest confusion here is sit back not chase and "wait" for her to magically come back.. or just let it be and get on (but live in the regret that i did nothing).

she compliments me all the time, but i havent said anything similar to her.

[CLIMBK]

She is being clear and fair. The broke up, the met after 2 months to clear the air. She feels that it is okay to be friends now. She moved on. He gets to accept friendship or he gets to say "I LOVE YOU" and she ends friendship. She has defined her agenda ----he has not.

 

In terms of defining the agenda, i think you are right. BUT she does know i still have feelings for her, of course she does! they dont just simply disappear in 2 months?! i told her so in a roundabout way, but she knows. i think when we met up, it might have all got a bit much, and really after 1st seeing each other would you instantly be like YAYY lets get back together.. no. a week later she is hurting and trying to fetch for something. surely that means something? or am i just being too hopeful?

[mhowe]

You are seeing what you want to see. She has said "don't say it ----it will make things weird" She knows how you feel --- and she is trying to get you to understand she doesn't feel the same way, but likes to be able to talk to you again.

 

If you can handle it, fine. It sure looks like you cannot.

 

So --- tell her you can't be friends.

[Fun Boater 1]

You are seeing what you want to see. She has said "don't say it ----it will make things weird" She knows how you feel --- and she is trying to get you to understand she doesn't feel the same way, but likes to be able to talk to you again.

 

If you can handle it, fine. It sure looks like you cannot.

 

So --- tell her you can't be friends.

 

I think MHowe is right. You should be learning much from what she told you - "don't say anything that will make things awkward". That is her way of being very polite in asking you NOT to bring up the relationship. She doesn't want to hear it. See it as that and forget about "telling her how you feel". She already knows how you feel. How could she not? Why don't you keep your contact with her at a bare mininum and see if she comes around and tells you how she feels? Let her take the lead if she wants to try again and resurrect the relationship. Why should you do all the "sharing of feelings"? My point is that, the only feelings she's apparently sharing with you is her desire to be friends...platonic friends, and you don't want that, so leave her be and start focusing on moving on and meeting new girls. If she wants you back, she will come and tell you that without worrying about you "saying anything awkward.". It is what it is.

[CLIMBK]

i know i suppose deep down i know its true. she just wants to be friends and nothing more. its just the hope. i wish something would kill all hope in me that we will ever be together. just something that will make me realise that i am wasting my life dwelling on something that will never be. how long does it take, for someone to come off that pedestal? she is right up there. beautiful, independent strong and just so like me its ridiculous. how do i take her down?

i tried seeing other girls in the time.. but they dont even come close! i feel hollow even when women come and flirt with me, because they are not her?!

[mhowe]

It's all up to you to remove her. Because she is human to everyone but you.

[CLIMBK]

It's all up to you to remove her. Because she is human to everyone but you.

 

yup, but how? she was the prettiest girl i have ever dated, and i have convinced myself she will always be the best girl i will ever go out with.

i just see myself living with regret, and having to deal with that regret! how can i convince myself that there is better, when i cant see it that way?!

[mhowe]

You remind yourself that she is a person, not an ideal. And if you are open to what life will bring you, you will find love again. You have no idea, truly, if she is the best girl you will ever go out with. But if you spend the rest of your life pining after someone who does not feel the same about you, you will, in fact, wind up alone.

 

No need to regret --- you had a great time when together. Cherish that --- remember what went right and what went wrong --- and strive to do better in the future.

[CLIMBK]

You remind yourself that she is a person, not an ideal. And if you are open to what life will bring you, you will find love again. You have no idea, truly, if she is the best girl you will ever go out with. But if you spend the rest of your life pining after someone who does not feel the same about you, you will, in fact, wind up alone.

 

No need to regret --- you had a great time when together. Cherish that --- remember what went right and what went wrong --- and strive to do better in the future.

 

i do cherish it, and its exactly why i miss things, we never argued, understood each other so well. its only because i went away for 2 months and wasnt here for her!

i dont know what went wrong apart from, someone new just came into her life. it was out of my control.

i have thought about things surely if i love her it is worth chasing after?

i might end up more hurt and further in the hole, but i wont regret not trying?

[mhowe]

i do cherish it, and its exactly why i miss things, we never argued, understood each other so well. its only because i went away for 2 months and wasnt here for her!

i dont know what went wrong apart from, someone new just came into her life. it was out of my control.

i have thought about things surely if i love her it is worth chasing after?

i might end up more hurt and further in the hole, but i wont regret not trying?

 

Only you know the answer to that. However, you are focusing on how YOU feel, and not taking into account how SHE feels. She does not want a romantic relationship with you -- and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be able to move on.

[CLIMBK]

Only you know the answer to that. However, you are focusing on how YOU feel, and not taking into account how SHE feels. She does not want a romantic relationship with you -- and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be able to move on.

 

i think i am caught in a vicious circle.

i dont want to let her go, i have never felt this way about anyone ever before. i do know how she feels, its why i havent told her what i feel for her.

i have 2 choices to sit and watch her date other people, fall in love blah blah, or just remove her from my life. either one involves a great deal of crap. and i dont know which one to choose.

i

[mhowe]

Choose the one that leaves you with some dignity.

 

You love her. She likes you.

 

If you cannot handle watching her date, then you cannot be friends.

 

There is someone else out there for you, but you will not see them if you are staring at her.

[CLIMBK]

Choose the one that leaves you with some dignity.

 

You love her. She likes you.

 

If you cannot handle watching her date, then you cannot be friends.

 

There is someone else out there for you, but you will not see them if you are staring at her.

 

i will take the dignified route.. i have been through this before. and i know it sucks, i promised myself never ever to fall in love again at least not show it, and i know the process of getting over. the worst thing is in my head the only way i know how is to find someone better, to develop another attraction.

but as i am in love with her, i see no one else wallowing in depression "trying" to get over her. i wish there were a quicker way.

[mhowe]

The only way out is through. And finding a substitute, or "someone better" --- is putting all of this stuff on the other person. How about letting go, and wishing her the best, and getting on with your life.

 

You've got to get to the place where you accept that being in a relationship is a great addition to your life --- but it isn't your life.

[CLIMBK]

The only way out is through. And finding a substitute, or "someone better" --- is putting all of this stuff on the other person. How about letting go, and wishing her the best, and getting on with your life.

 

You've got to get to the place where you accept that being in a relationship is a great addition to your life --- but it isn't your life.

 

yeah you are right. i suppose its a lot of self pitying too right! i mean hell i cant stop thinking how good my like "USED" to be.

oh well live and learn. i know ill get over her one day. but it seems like the longest darkest tunell ahead!

 

but thank you so much for you help! its actually been really useful. and probably what i needed to hear!