Matt...

[Loriana]

I started a thread called "Am I asking for too much?" in the Cyber relationships forum and it related to Matt, so if you want to know more, go read that first. So Matt was the guy I was talking about, the one that wanted to talk dirty and the one who was constantly boasting about smoking weed, although I didn't mention that in the thread. Anyway I have kept him on my Facebook, but on Sunday he just really pissed me off. He came online and he referred to me as "boobs" and told me he had shaved his private area that morning. That just was it for me, I thought he was totally disrespectful and an ass and so I told him. He messaged me back the next day and told me he was sorry and that he was drunk when he wrote that, being drunk is no excuse and I told him he was disrespectful and he didn't take that too well. He told me he wasn't an * * * * * * * , but I could think what I wanted, he then went on to say that he had just gotten out of a bad relationship and had gotten his heart broken, again no excuse. He said he didn't mean to be a "horn dog" as he put it, but he lashed out by flirting with girls and being a "horn dog" because that was his way of dealing with the situation, but really that's not going to solve his heartbreak. I wasn't sure if I believed him, but what do I know?, I don't have a reason not to believe him, I judged him without thinking and I feel bad.

 

I apologized and then a breakthrough happened, he actually stopped being a "horn dog" and started to open up to me about some stuff, he told me he was sick of people judging him that's why he smokes weed. He also said when he was 17 he got addicted to Ecstasy, sold everything he owned just so he could keep smoking the stuff, didn't eat or sleep, just wanted to get high. Said it ruined his relationship with his mother and in the end he ended up homeless living off the streets of Vancouver until one day his dad came and found him and helped him get clean. Now this is all very convincing, but again whether it's true or not, I don't know. I do think he is a bit of an attention seeker to be honest, just some of the stuff he was saying to me like "Oh, I might as well shoot myself in the head, I want to die" etc. You only say that to get a reaction from someone, you know?.

 

I had to go offline for a while, but when I came back he had sent me a message saying "you're really sweet and thank you for talking to me for that long, at least you cared enough to talk to me, I like you, and I'll miss you until you come back online!" again whether he meant that or not it's hard to tell, although later he did explain and told me he liked me, but there wasn't any real hard feelings there or anything, as I live in the uk, and if anything he's glad we're friends and that is easier for me to believe.

 

So I've made a new friend in Matt, and I guess I like him, even though sometimes I'm not sure I believe everything he says, this girl I talk to, Bree, she warned me not to fall for Matt, she says he told her he really does like me, but she also said don't fall for him because his relationships never last, so I am taking her advice on board. I like to think I have learnt from previous mistakes to be more cautious of people's intentions.

[Loriana]

I was right about one thing, Matt really does like being the centre of attention, not too long ago he posted a picture of himself and recieved lots of comments mainly from the girls in the AYI- Survivors group..."sexy eyes"..."nice smile", you don't have to be a genius to work out he was in his element, posting pictures on Facebook is a way of fishing for compliments and that is exactly what he got. I can already tell that he craves attention, it felt like some american teen movie, you know the ones where the girl (usually the outsider) stands by her opened locker watching as the jock stands in the middle of a group of admiring girls, taking all the compliments in and loving every second of it. Except this is only on Facebook, only on a computer and yet it bugs me some how. Well people who like to be the centre of attention usually bug me anyway, maybe because I'm the total opposite?.

 

I didn't comment or prsss the like button, so once all the attention died down, he messaged me saying he missed me because last night he said he had to go to the gym, but he probably went partying as he said he was hungover in the AYI chat that I was only reading. I just played along and told him I missed him too, even though I'm not sure if I did or not, if anything I didn't feel emotionally drained last night as I had the night before when he opened up to me. The last time I felt that emotionally drained was when I was friends with this guy Daniel back in my school days. He was even more messed up than Matt, I knew he liked being the centre of attention even before we became friends because he was always loud and did some pretty outrageous things just to get noticed like die his blonde curls red and wear mascara and mostly act as femenine as possible. He even liked girlbands so I just figured he was gay, everyone did, until one day when we were at this house party he "got drunk" (looking back, I think he was acting) and broke down crying confessing he wanted to be a girl and felt like he was trapped in the wrong body, he was also feeling suicidal. When it's in person it's even more emotionally draining because you see and hear this person and you have to comfort them through holding them and not actual words.

 

Our friendship didn't last, his attention seeking behaviour and other things about him made me not want to be his friend. It hurt at first, because when you're friends with someone like that they make you feel so special like you belong somewhere and then when things go wrong, they turn on you without a second thought, those people aren't worth getting involved with. So I have had experience when it comes to people like Matt. Anyway he went offline so that was the end of our conversation.

 

I've sat here at college and have not done any work what so ever, total waste of the day really considering I'm on time extension, but in my defense I was in pain for most of the day anyway (time of the month), so it's not like I could concentrate or anything. Although I took some Nurofen and that worked just as well as the tablets I have especially for pains. I'm studying a PA Executive Diploma, which basically means I am on a computer all day studying Microsoft Office programmes. I always manage to get computers that face the wall so no one can see what I am doing which is lucky for me.

 

Anyway it's almost 3:00pm so I have to get ready to catch my 3:30pm train home, so I have to go, I'll write soon.

 

xoxo

[Loriana]

I have just realized you can't delete threads in here which sucks, because I made another journal called 'his lips are dripping honey, but he'll sting you like a bee'. When I made it I thought you had to keep creating new threads whenever you wanted to write something, but I've seen other people just name their Journals and then they just keep replying to it with their journal entries. So I'm going to use this as my journal entries, but if you want to know more then obviously read my other journal.

 

I'm so freaking tired right now it's 12am and I want to go to bed soon, but I haven't wrote for two or three weeks now so I thought I would write. Well, things with Matt and I progressed, we have been talking almost every day, it's been cool, he said he likes me and wished I lived in NY because he said if I lived there he would have already made me his girl. I've kinda let my fun side come out a bit and we have been doing a ton of flirting and talking about other things. I think the fact that I talked about those other things with him made him like me because it's showing that I don't mind talking about it. He's so affectionate and I love the way he talks to me, it's kind of like we're dating even though we're not. He is really hot!, I am attracted to him, I do like him, I don't think there is any deep feelings for him, but I would miss him if I never spoke to him again.

 

The last couple of days we haven't talked as much and when he does come online somehow he doesn't have a lot to say, it's crazy that only a few days ago we were having fun. He is stoned a lot and now I'm worried that all the time that I had been talking to him was when he was stoned and what if he was saying things he didn't mean?. Also, I have been warned that none of his relationships with girls seem to last and he is always getting new girls, am I just another new girl until he gets bored with me??. I'm kinda confused so I sent him a message saying I missed our talks and wasn't sure whether he was still into me or not. If he does reply back it will be interesting to know what he says and if he doesn't reply back then I will have to be very careful about not getting too attached to him if his intentions aren't good.

 

Anyway, I'm going to get some orange juice and then I'm off to bed, because my eyes won't stay open!. I'll write soon! xoxo

[Loriana]

So it's afternoon here and I woke up this morning thinking it was 9:30am when really it was 10:30am, because the clocks have gone forward so we have lost an hour's sleep!, I didn't even know this until today so next time I will have to be more aware of when the clocks are going to change. I'm just about to go for a shower and wash my hair but before I do I just thought I'd write that Matt surprisingly replied to my message shortly after I sent it. I went to bed and checked Facebook on my phone and he had replied and it said that he did still like me, but when we're both online I never message him. Which is very true, I've never been one for making the first moves because I'm shy or scared that if I do say hi, he won't reply back or just ignore me and I guess I don't take rejection too well!. I am going to message him more to be honest, I gotta be more sociable at some point, right?. So that's all for now, I'm going for my shower now and then I'm going to let my hair dry until it's just damp, because I have to clean the upstairs and downstairs bathroom. Then after that I will blow dry and get the GHD's on it. Hopefully I will still have some of the day left when I have finished!. Should have got up earlier as that way you see more of the day. I'll write soon! xoxo