Sixth Freaking Sense! (Part Vent, Part Journal, One Question at the End - Long)

[diariescs]

Okay, so I love my ex. Still do, but it's barely been two weeks, so, eh, what can I expect, right? Anyway, yeah, after a week or so, I acknowledged (to myself and one friend only) that I love him and I want him back. However, I also acknowledged that a reconciliation will not happen unless he comes back to me and tells me he wants it. I will not ask, I will not beg, I will not pester, etcetera. (So in essence, I am utilizing a method I use for my patients: accept the problem first, then you can start working on it.) For all intents and purposes, I will look like a woman who has moved on with her life. Growth, laughter, happiness.. I am cultivating these things in my life right now. I am/was hurting pretty bad, but I am striving to keep that pain from the public eye (mostly from his eyes, but whatev.). I figure as long as I'm taking baby steps, I'll at least have victories to celebrate. So, for now, the order of business is outwardly appearances and using the small successes to empower myself.

 

Of course, how I am in the privacy of my own bedroom is a whole different story. I find myself seeking the solitude of my blankets a lot. I close my eyes and talk to myself/God/the Universe. "I'm surrendering this entire situation," I say over and over, coupled with, "Thank you for (a list of things I am grateful for)."

 

For the past week and a half, I have received several curt, business-like but somewhat sad messages from ex. I'm sure I'm just imagining it since he has no way of knowing, but it felt like each time I was feeling better, he would throw me a message that I would ignore but would take me back to a more teary, less okay version of myself. I remained unresponsive until, one night, he caught me at a bad time and I called him out on talking * * * * behind my back. One sentence that clearly told him I was angry. Just one, then back to radio silence. He was defensive and angry right back (communicated to me via several text messages), but I never responded again. A couple of days later, he attacks me on my own blog. I receive the notification before he deletes the comment ( * * * , who does that!). He then makes a whole spectacle on FB about how no one asked about his side of the story, and he's deleting all of our mutual friends because he can see the comments being made to me and he doesn't want to get bitter. There is nothing on my FB. You have to scroll several pages down to see anything that is even remotely related to our breakup. FB=EVIL! I hate that I can't defend myself while his own "friends" sympathize with him and tell him he deserves better, but I remain completely NC.

 

Of course, I'm privately skipping between devastated and hopeful (for my own recovery, sometimes for reconciliation, and whatever other hopes we cling to at this point). Two days pass and the last straw arrives at around noon. I find out he's flirting and possibly sleeping with married women now, the same ones telling him he deserves better. Again, I am secretly enraged. I was shaking, and, once again, sought out my trusted friend. I will tell you now, I have no idea where all this emotion is coming from. I am fairly logical and have a strong medical background. I can psychoanalyze him just as easily as the next patient. I can read what motivations drive him to whatever behavior he engages in. I understand the process, all of it. These are one of the very few cases for me where understanding didn't equal dismissal. Nauseating as it may be, I have feelings for this DB who I really shouldn't give two more seconds of my time to. At that point, I found myself getting up and letting my rage turn to motivation. "He's dead," I say. "I have to accept that the man I met - the man I loved - is dead. This idiot who attacks me over the internet and screws married women is not him. He's gone!"

 

I was already planning on doing a few things, so I get to them. For the rest of the day, I was a woman on a mission. I bought a violin; then, I went off to ballroom dancing lessons. This uplifts my spirits to incredible heights. I loved it and planned on going to the tango lesson later that night.

 

While sitting around waiting for said Tango lessons (and patting myself on the back for having so much fun), I check my phone and realize I've received several text messages from an unrecognized number. (I gotta say, asking myself whose number it was felt damn good!). Of course, after reading the number a few times, I remember that it's his. The text was bitter and pissy over "being cast in the wrong light" and me believing a friend that we both knew was a compulsive liar. He tells me our other mutual friend will clarify exactly what was said. I respond with: "Um, sorry, what? Is it really necessary for you to be this.. Honestly, I don't even know what this is. Aggressive, I guess. What are you so mad about?"

 

He explains that if I resent him for "what he did", then that's fine, but he doesn't like being blamed for something he didn't do. (He said a lot more, but the rest was just blah-blah.). I say, "I don't resent you. Promise. I completely agree with this breakup. You just caught me at a bad time that night. Sorry for snapping at you. I figure you were going through a hard time and needed to vent to [friend's name]. I understood and shrugged it off. Come onnnnn, don't be mad anymore. We gotta cheer up some time."

 

Our friend calls me and I ask him point blank if he ever said what he did. He was in complete denial. At this point, I was so tired of it that I let it go. Ex texts again with a really weird reiteration of what he's been up to, including that he bought new clothes, new bed sheets, new glasses, etcetera. Then he proceeded to send me "pics of his new gear, lol". Unfortunately, right when I received the messages, I had already pressed send on my own message of: "Ok, so I talked to [friend], lol. Sorry for accusing you. Pleeeease don't be mad anymore. I'll text you tonight, k? I gotta get to class. I'm already laaaate. =/"

 

He didn't respond, but that was fine, 'coz I was still mulling (read: kinda giggling, kinda scratching my head) over the fact that he sent me pictures of himself. I mean, * * * ! Haha. Much later that night, another family tragedy hit (I don't know what the hell is up this month!), and scared, sleepless little me ended up texting him about it. "I'm glad you got new glasses. Sorry, I don't know if this is okay to tell you but it doesn't feel right not to. [one sentence about what happened.] She was just brought to the ER." I wasn't really looking for anything. I don't even know why I sent it. Chalk it up to "feelings" or familiarity, I guess.

 

Ugh, I don't know why I wrote all this. I guess I was just irritated that the moment I felt in control again, I tripped. I don't think I feel too bad, though. Again, I'm training my body with the idea that it's over, while waiting for my heart/brain to catch up. Or, at the very least, the damn ball is in his court. I freaking surrender, and by that, I mean I love him but I'm not waiting around for him. Like I said, I'm surrendering this to higher powers. Either that love will be reciprocated or it will fade away eventually. In the meantime, I'm taking dancing lessons and learning the violin and reacquainting with my family and walking my dog and applying for new jobs.

 

Also, I am going under the radar. I will not deactivate my accounts, but I'm not going to touch them either. Still considering a vacation. Just not sure if it's a good idea with all the job applications that I sent out.

 

And for the purpose of remaining somewhat on topic of getting back together: I do still have these girly, love-y feelings for him. On that note, if a woman wants reconciliation, what are the true and tried ways of maximizing the probability of this happening? With examples and success stories, please. Thank you!

[diariescs]

Yup. Sixth sense. Right before my pole dancing class (i'm excited, happy, positive, etcetera), I get a text from him. Generic "oh my god, sorry for what's happening to your family" text. That was a few hours ago. Will not reply.

[diariescs]

I guess this is going to end up being a journal.

 

Today was the day a friend of mine was going to retrieve my things from ex's house (yeah, gotta get used to saying it's no longer mine, even though my name is still on the lease). This was arranged last week. It was a good plan, since ex's room mate would be home and ex would be working. I wasn't planning to go because I was worried about the setback of having to go through all that emotion again; however, this morning, I felt quite guilty about not helping my friend out. Afterall, these are my things. I was thinking of going with her until she was told by my former room mate that ex had stayed home today. He was "feeling under the weather".

 

Sigh. I couldn't help reading into that stupid fact. Ex rarely ever takes the day off, and never ever when he is sick. There's always an underlying reason, like he needs to do something else or he's feeling particularly lazy that day. So, yeah, I spent a couple of hours being plagued by fantasy/possibility. I never acted on it, though, for which I am quite proud.

 

But that was hours ago.

 

Now, my friend has delivered my things, and I've unloaded them. Trash bag after trash bag of my entire life.. God! I left them all in the garage. I feel so.. I don't even know. It hurts. I want to talk to him so bad. I keep looking at my phone, wanting to thank him. For what, I don't even know. Thank you for packing up my things. Thank you. For everything. Thank you. I'm just so sad. I just want him to call, to show me that he feels something. Anything, for the ruin of our life together. It was just one fight. One fight, that escalated to yelling, insults, hurtful words, and suddenly, he's saying he realized I've been pushing him onto the sidelines for months. Suddenly, he's saying we've always been wrong for each other and he's never seen it till now. Suddenly, we're in separate houses, and we're acting out-of-character, and now it's over. I miss my life. I miss the years before the world turned up-side down. And it's only been a little over two weeks. It hurts. I get better every day, but it hurts so much sometimes, that all I can do is cry. Tears make the subsequent recovery bearable.

 

Is there anything I can do right now regarding reconciliation?

[Vaimahina]

Its difficult when somebody sends you mixed messages like that. He obviously misses you and is having a hard time getting used to the fact that you're gone. I still feel that if he really wanted you back he could just go right out and say so and if he hasn't its because he's not sure. Now this is what's difficult for you, because that opens the door for hope and as we all know that's the last thing to die. For your sake, as hard as it will be I know, move on, close the door feel that its over and et back to loving you. If he's ready to be in a relationship with you he will contact you and tell you just that--don't overanalyze anything or read too much into all the other stuff. If he stayed home that day it only meant he may have wanted to see you, see what you'd say to him, but if he really wanted to talk about it he would have done that. You can blame it on pride, but if you REALLY wanted somebody back would you honestly let your pride get in the way? I think he's not sure what he wants and you shouldn't wait around for him to decide. Get on with your life, move on, he may be back, he may not, whichever the case you will be stronger and better. It'll be hard, but be strong!

[diariescs]

Thank you for this. That's what I keep telling myself: if he wants me, he'll come to me. I am resolved to do exactly what you said. I'm on the road to recovery, I know it. At times (like right now), I'm almost 100% sure that I'm only holding on, however lightly, because I'm too afraid to let go. The recognition of that fear is helping me out a lot. Now I can start addressing it and keep moving forward.

 

In this chaotic ordeal, only one path is clear: I have to keep moving forward. I have to continue down the path of making myself a better person, and that's what I'm doing. It's sad right now, but it doesn't hurt as much. Hopefully, the good-feeling stays.

 

C.

[Vaimahina]

Be strong, stick to you plan. You'll be stronger and better--remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[diariescs]

Finally got around to purging everything ex-related from FB. Not that I was stalling. I just got too busy. But I finally blocked yesterday and purged today. Feels fxcking amazing! Slightly heavy, but still feels right. Also, texting a male doctor friend right now. >_> Nothing serious, but still puts me in a good mood. Aaaaand, I lost 13lbs! =D Half from BU crap and the other from Atkins. AND today is my birthday. AND I got a job interview. And another one next week, lol.

 

My "secret" right now is lots of positivity (LOA) and prayer (which is why there is no mention of "Unnamed" or negative experiences other than this one ^_~).

 

Yup, I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for. Please send me more happy vibrations, everyone! It's helping so much.

 

C.

[Loungelurker]

Happy Birthday! Glad things are going better!