Social "anxiety"?

[MattW]

I pretty frequently post around here about my social issues, and I'm back again with yet another musing. So, I'm sort of wondering if my issues are some sort of "social anxiety", and what I can do about it, if it is. To be honest, I... feel like sort of a contradiction. Deep down, I'm a very lonely guy. I wish I had friends, I wish I had people to go out with, and do stuff with on the weekends, etc. Hell, I wish I could open myself up to dating, too, but one step at a time, I guess. But at the same time, I do have "friends", I'm just... not particularly close with them. I spend time with them when we have specific events together, like classes or work. But I always end up turning them down when they invite me to actually hang out and go places with them, and stuff.

 

I think a lot of it sort of stems from middle school, and especially high school. As a kid, I was "shy". In middle school, I started kind of outgrowing that, but there were a couple people that sort of rattled my confidence in myself and my trust in others a little bit. High school was, by far, the worst experience for me. I fell in with a bad crowd, and they tortured me relentlessly for four years straight.

 

Thing is, I don't expect my current "friends" to mistreat me the way the people in high school did. But I have this constant fear that I'm going to end up getting "burned" some way or another, and I think that's why I constantly hold myself back from having real friendships with people. I suppose the standard advice is going to be "Just force yourself to do it and it'll eventually work". My problem is, I'm... a bit overly sensitive, and I find that I take things to heart and jump to conclusions even when people don't mean to hurt my feelings; meaning, even if I force myself to spend more time with my "friends", there's still a good chance I'm going to be constantly looking for little things to make myself feel bad about.

 

For instance, I'm... not a very talkative person. I mean, I'm good for the occasional joke, or witty/ amusing observation, but I've just never been good at "leading" conversations or having anything really interesting to say. So, when I am spending time with the people I consider my friends, my input is often so little that I feel they'd hardly notice if I wasn't there. Then I start to make myself feel like I'm not wanted, and I quietly and politely try to disconnect myself away from them.

 

That's what I want to get to the root of. I might be able to force myself into spending more time with people to develop better friendships and relationships, but I just can't stop myself from feeling like I don't "belong".

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know how you feel about not really belonging. When you are different from the norm it can be really hard connecting with people. I have noticed that people with lots of friends tend to connect on a very superficial level. It is activity-focused rather than person-focused. The talk is superficial fluff, nothing real meaningful. However, if part of your problem is that you don't know how to lead conversations, that can be improved. There are public speaking classes like toastmasters, that you can take. Check out what other courses you can take that would force you to interact with others. The more you interact, the more comfortable you will get. It just takes practice and putting yourself out there.

[Terrabyl]

I could have written this. Except that my confidence was rattled by family in middle school, and in high school I didn't hang out with much of anyone after school (so I didn't have a crowd). I'm close to making a counseling appointment and to be honest, I'm hoping to get anxiety or depression meds to start as part of the treatment of anxiety/self esteem/depression issues (not as THE treatment, but part of treatment). Not saying you should do this or anything. I'm just so sick of failing trying to get "better" on my own, these issues have been ongoing for over a decade now with varying intensity.

 

I don't have any advice really, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[Jaylin]

so, what do you say. What is the roll of surroundings (environment) and society on personality development?

I've a little bit different story. I"m depressed. Society is not tolerating with me coz I"m different.