sadpup Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Ugggg... I'm trying the no contact. Even blocked her phone number. Then I do stupid stuff like checkout her facebook page and the pictures just make me sad. There is one of her with our dog which is now my dog. We were together for 7 years. Lived together etc. I helped her get treatment for addiction. She is doing well now. Eventually she just cheated on me, says she loves me and I'm her best friend but isn't attracted to me. She is now seeing yet another new person. I'm so stupid. I really feel I was just used in so many ways but then I also recall so many wonderful times and moments. Who even knows what her true feelings were. She is such an excellent liar. I do still care though. Ugggg.... what the hell is wrong with me? I'm usually a pretty strong, independent person. I'm really fine by myself. I'm even going on a vacation next month by myself (we were going to go together). I have to get this behind me and stop recalling all of these (probably imaginary) wonderful times we had. This stinks so bad!!!! Any support and advice appreciated. Maybe it is hard partially because I'm not a kid (46). I sometimes feel like I put so much time and energy into a relationship that turned out to be nothing but pain and now what......... Link to comment
secondchance67 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 sadpup, First things first: Delete/block/remove that relationship killer - Facebook!! Looking at her page is actually breaking the No Contact rule - so don't !! Get rid of it if you have to, but under NO circumstances are you to check it again. If there is one thing about Facebook i have learned in 38 days, its this: People will post pics, status updates, and whatever else to PROJECT what they want the "Facebook Universe" to see - it could be the complete opposite of how they really feel...and posting pics you will see is a mind game....so take yourself out of that torture device ASAP, ok? my ex did it early on, knowing full well it would get back to me...and it did...and it crushed my spirit, or what was left of it, anyway. Facebook = pain Write that on your arm with a Sharpie marker, ok? I am 45 years old on this end... in a 6 year relationship, lived together for 4 of them, she bailed out on New Years Day. 38 days of no contact so far, and i am gaining better perspective everyday. I was cheated on, and took her back also. I too got all the cliche' reasons for ending us - everything from "we just aren't compatible" to " why would you want to be with someone like me anyway' to " the only thing you did wrong was you picked the wrong person to be with" I think about the good times constantly; I replay "our highlight reel" in my head. But you know what? I also replay how she ended us ; how she did it matter-of-fact, brutally cold and with zero respect for what we had been thru in 6 years...the cheating, the strain of the trust being damaged, all of it. That brings me back to reality...the person she was at the end, the heartless, indifferent ice queen who treated me as if she had no feelings for me whatsoever. You are early in the game here- read the posts from the bronze, gold, silver and platinum members....use the search feature to look up No Contact, Breadcrumbs, rebounds, the healing process, the stages of healing...do it as soon as you can....arm yourself with as much info as you can....take notes, and lock yourself down and commit to no contact....starting now. Post here, this is a great group of people who have all been where you are, and the advice is sometimes brutal, always honest, and can be uplifting. Breath deep brother...its a long road, but you will come out the other side with flying colors if you follow the advice, use your head, and do what you think is right for you and your particular situation along the way.... Head up. you got this. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I too got all the cliche' reasons for ending us - everything from "we just aren't compatible" to " why would you want to be with someone like me anyway' to " the only thing you did wrong was you picked the wrong person to be with" WOW! Thank you so much for posting this! It really really resonated with me. Now that I have moved on and accepted the end of the relationship, seeing this type of reasoning (that i previously forgot, conveniently) is so telling! I didn't see it the then the way I see it now. Don't you just love how you are at fault for loving them? Instead of them taking accountability and responsibility for their actions - they turn the finger and point at us for being the one that was wrong for loving them. They have the audacity to tell us we are at fault for their mistakes and behaviors. I look at it now - think back to very similar reasons that I was given and I think....REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS????? Their loss in the end - I am just glad that I am where I am and he has yet to face this realization. When he does, it might hurt quite a bit. Link to comment
MikNomis Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I know how you feel I went through the same thing too bro. It's not that hard to stop yourself from checking that damn facebook if you really put your mind to it. Deleting/blocking them or removing them from your feed helps a million. You have to commit to the NC or it will do absolutely nothing for you. Link to comment
sadpup Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Thanks guys. Seriously I got those kind of stupid responses too. I don't want to become a bitter, jaded, cynic but how the heck do you trust people. I have a feeling there are a lot of users out there. Sad. Really sad. I think I was probably just delusional for 7 years. There were bad times but I figured that was just normal and I had made a commitment to someone I loved and I was going to stick with it and make it work. Sure me giving like 1200% percent. UGGGGG.... Yes, Facebook is demonic! i hate it but I also find out about meetups, social things and keep in contact with some old work friends and people I knew growing up. The whole darn world is into that darn Facebook. UGGGGGG....... I wish I could get a small partial lobotomy or something to erase the entire recollection of that period of my life. How horrid to feel that way about a person you shared so much with albeit under false and misleading pretenses. It is just so horrible because I lost my Mom a little more than a year ago too. There are moments that are simply unbearable. I know it will get better someday...................... but in the meantime......... Thanks guys and girls (oh just in the interest of honesty I'm female ... no bro here not that it matters one bit but hey) Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I deactivated facebook for over 6 mos. It was the single best decision that I made to help me avoid the instant gratification of temptation -that only makes me feel like crap. It certainly didn't provide the gratification that I was seeking!!! LOL.... There was a day and time before FB and most of the stuff on there is dribble. To check out from it for a period of time to get over the habit of checking while you are hurting and obsessing works wonders! It will all be there when you choose to return. It isn't going anywhere and it is like soap operas were. You can go MONTHS and catch up in minutes! Link to comment
Sammy6 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 sadpup, First things first: Delete/block/remove that relationship killer - Facebook!! Looking at her page is actually breaking the No Contact rule - so don't !! Get rid of it if you have to, but under NO circumstances are you to check it again. If there is one thing about Facebook i have learned in 38 days, its this: People will post pics, status updates, and whatever else to PROJECT what they want the "Facebook Universe" to see - it could be the complete opposite of how they really feel...and posting pics you will see is a mind game....so take yourself out of that torture device ASAP, ok? my ex did it early on, knowing full well it would get back to me...and it did...and it crushed my spirit, or what was left of it, anyway. Facebook = pain My ex did the same with Facebook I blocked her right away.. She put up a status that said, Had the BEST weekend of my life" about 3 minutes after I said have a nice life when learning she went away for a weekend wiht some guy.. She did it to hrt me.. Well, it worked, but I;m here and feel better because I blocked her and won't get the urge to check out her fb page.. Well said. She used Facebook as a tool to hurt me.. She did it for years and I knew better than her firends did.. Link to comment
Shemilajon Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Hi I was pondering over this deeply that I should get this goal which I have since my childhood yet not having any proper guidance I failure in this regard still I am trying to achieve it. Link to comment
secondchance67 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 learning2relax, It is amazing to me that the common thread here seems to be this: They love you one minute, you are the stars in their sky, the sunshine in their life Then..... They give you every contrived reason for ending it; every LifeTime movie quote, every bad romance movie scenario, and its over , in the blink of an eye, they walk out of our lives for ggod. I have read A TON of posts here; seems the common denominator is the fact that our ex's seem to just, for lack of a better term, "flip the switch" on their feelings, go into some type of "emotional hibernation" and act as if we were strangers, not lovers and people that they have spent time with.( significant time, like in my case, 6 years, or a short time). It also seems in 95% od the cases, they have started another realtionship - whether it be emotional or physical, and have that waiting for them, which provides added incentive and psuedo-strenght and resolve to pull the plug. I remind myself that in the end, those last momoments, thats when I saw the REAL her - the person she really is inside- with her emotioanl immaturity, baggage and issues. A realtionship takes two - and i played my part in ours....but i did not force her to cheat on me, lie to me, and start another relationship while still in one with me....so when she points the finger, telling me the things i mentioned, i remember that alot of that is guilt talking...even if she claims not feel guilty for her decision, we all know supressing your feelings and issues makes them manifest themselves in other ways....and sometimes its spouting BS the way she did. I can only hope that the new guy is stronger than i was, sets proper boundaries for himself and the realtionship, and most of all...has a better radar for someone with isssues before she does to him, in some capacity, what she did to me....because that is a GIVEN Link to comment
TriColors Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I deactivated facebook for over 6 mos. It was the single best decision that I made to help me avoid the instant gratification of temptation -that only makes me feel like crap. It certainly didn't provide the gratification that I was seeking!!! LOL.... There was a day and time before FB and most of the stuff on there is dribble. To check out from it for a period of time to get over the habit of checking while you are hurting and obsessing works wonders! It will all be there when you choose to return. It isn't going anywhere and it is like soap operas were. You can go MONTHS and catch up in minutes! I told another poster on a different thread that he should have a friend change his FB password, that way he can't go on! I've done this any its wonderful. OP - you should make a list with two columns; one will be the good things about her and the other will be the bad things. I bet the bad things are more than the good. Link to comment
dumPI Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Love this post. It reviews perfectly how we see it from our side. Link to comment
Aqua066 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Agree. Love this post! Keep it up Secondchance... and hang in there Link to comment
sadpup Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 I have come to realize that some people are just too immature and have too many unacknowledged issues to even begin to be in a serious committed relationship. In my case if I look back the red flags were there right from the start. I just ignored them or tricked myself into believing things would change or I could make it better, etc. I was really attracted to my ex and loved her. i have my own faults for sure but if I was really clear and honest with myself I had an idea how it would go years before it ended. I'm wondering if others here also have hindsight 20/20 vision? If we are honest and take out the emotions that cloud the truth and our thinking there is no real mystery to any of this. Link to comment
Zack808 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Glad this was posted. I'm going on 7 weeks BU from a 1 year relationship. I stopped looking at her FB page for almost 2 weeks but started checking again and again and again. I kept asking myself "what the hell am I looking for?" You are right, everything she posted was good stuff, never saw any bad stuff, luckily. I guess I wanted to see if she was hurting like me, I didn't want to be the only one. I finally stopped!!! I realized that there is no use looking at the past. I realized that all it did was frustrate me and make me feel worse. I stopped and it feels good because it feels like I finally let that part of her go. That was energy wasted that could have been directed towards something more productive than looking at her page. Who wants to keep reopening a wound that's trying to heal, right! Link to comment
springfun0214 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I hear you on talking about erasing this part of your life from your memory. I wish it were that easy...I guess we grow and learn from these things eventually. I hope so anyway. Link to comment
sadpup Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 I saw someone in another post talk about co-dependency. It hit a nerve so i googled it and started reading more about it. Wow!!! I really think it describes a lot about me and my ex relationship. I did grow up in a very chaotic family. My parents did the best they could but it was a rough place for a kid to grow up. Reading about co-dependency really struck home and explained a lot about some of my own behaviors in the relationship. I'm starting to feel glad that my relationship ended because it wasn't healthy and I wasn't myself or the person I could/should be in that relationship. It is really dawning on me that love doesn't mean longing for or hurting for someone who isn't interested and has maybe even moved on. I'm glad I found this site because I've learned a lot and it is really a comfort to know so many other great people are out there going through the same thing. We all absolutely deserve someone who loves us back and appreciates us for who we already are. Happy Saturday everyone! Link to comment
blueplanet22 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 First thing I did was block my ex on FB. I nearly unblocked once but when it came up with the warning that you cannot reblock them for 48hrs, it was just enough to make me think twice about it. Have deleted his number from my phone but am past the thought of drunk dialing or texting, funny thats one thing that when something is over I am really strong about. I guess I'm the type that doesn't want to give them any satisfaction of any begging or breadcrumbs, they didn't want me, they made there choice - I'd rather use my texts/emails/time/energy on myself, my friends, my family and work and generally people that are interested in me and my life. Link to comment
sadpup Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 I blocked my ex from my phone using the verizon website. It really helped me feel better because I stopped wondering if they would call or text. I took that option away and it felt good. i also blocked them on fb. I have my fb pretty secure. Wow - after almost 7 years who ever thought it would really come to this but it needed to happen. When someone lies and cheats they leave you no choices. Sad but the only thing to do is keep on moving forward and fight for happiness and contentment. Link to comment
secondchance67 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 sadpup, I am right there with ya....my relationship lasted 6 years, only to end in web of lies, deceit, and cheating in early Jan of this year - all done by her, while i sat back and slowly died inside. Stay the course - you are doing all the right things so far. here's the deal: She may never come back. She may try to see where your head is at by throwing you breadcrumbs, and gauging your reactions to her attempts to stir you up. She may NEVER contact you again. period. She may realize that you are indeed the man she wants after some time away to decompress, grow, see other people, etc. and come back to you when you least expect it and want to reconcile....could be 6 months...could be a year.....you never know and never will know what is really going on in that head of hers....just know that right now, IT ISN'T YOU. You, my friend, have to put all that out of your mind. Concentrate on YOU. Her life now, as hard as it is to see it as separate from yours, is exactly that: SEPARATE FROM YOURS IN EVERY WAY. Let the time you have now be a time of personal growth, reflection and introspection....become the best "you" that you can be.....and do it for yourself....not her or anyone else. Link to comment
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