When To Move On

[EgoJoe]

I think this is probably more appropriate for the other forums, healing and the breaking up section but since I started posting here when my Ex and I were talking again over the summer before I went quiet...

 

I decided to post this here. Dale Carnegie says in his book, "How To Win Friends and Influence People."

 

"Assign a certain amount of anxiety that you are willing to tolerate from any given thing and when it surpasses it, let it go"

 

I thought I was letting it go but my own ego and pride lamented me for half a year and then after the holidays and a month of frequent dreams I stooped and did a little bit of FB stalking. What I found out confirmed my intuition due to deductive reasoning, to a point. I contacted, she defended and then I attacked with everything I had held back and turned the other cheek about. I kept it above the belt due to some advice and even threw in a snotty "when you grow up, i'd love to hear how you and your life turned out" but that was really only to pave the way for admittance and an apology as I do not want that girl back.

 

I sit here now at a cusp, I am ready to actually let go of the pain etc. and I still regret not throwing the truth in her face instead of lamblasting with a passive approach that I had before I knew in order to vindicate myself and "save face."

 

I don't hate my Ex-GF but she claims I helped break her when her actions alone undid us and she refused to take every single out. I still have the longing to say, "I know about (his name) and I deliberately baited you to watch you lie more and let you have what I held back before I knew."

 

I don't think that line of thought is healthy and I want to let it go. So, I think to myself now is the time to move on completely, I haven't wanted this girl back for a long time but I've held on to the pain, shame and feelings of inadequacy. I've held on to the anger and the rage despite not showing her any of this until the other day.

 

I make this post to vent but I also make this post to make it clear that "All the things left unsaid." can eventually bite you in the butt and I would never suggest holding on to all of it after a significant amount of NC. After a month or two of NC I think it is wise to get it all out, one way or another.

 

I've been ready to move on completely for a long time and have been afraid because the pain itself serves as my last tie to a girl who has clearly forgotten about me. I have learned so much but none of it matters because when I am emotional cheese has a higher IQ and this is something for guys to know, the more your mind is rooted in logic the more unclear your mind will be when you are emotional. Putting space between the catalyst and the response is very healthy. Never accept BS rhetoric and cliche lines from your GF, Ex-gf, Wife, and Ex-Wife etc. There comes a point when the only thing a guy can do is walk away, you say your piece and walk away.

 

For the girls, the above can also be said for you but it can also serve as an example of the #1 thing that drives guys away from you if the issue is not maturity or feelings for someone else. The power struggle stage in a relationship is especially hard on guys and we get scared because we give an inch trying to make a partnership and Women can be prone to take a mile. A lot of Women fail this test and think that it is perfectly acceptable to say one thing and mean another. When it comes to matters of the heart this is unacceptable and will drive him to resent you.

 

The point of this post is a vent to a degree but I wanted to make it clear that you must define a limit within yourself and say, "Enough is enough. I no longer desire to hold on to this pain. I have had it, I am better than this, I am more than a broken-heart, I am more than a wounded pride, I am more than a vindictive Ego and I refuse to waste another second, minute, moment, hour, morning, afternoon, day, week, month or year thinking about a person that does not extend the same courtesy towards me. I am worthy of love and I will rise from the ashes of this to become better."

 

Remember your own nature. If you're confrontational, confront if you don't want to then don't but don't take advice that doesn't sit well with your inner character. I did and it was great advice for the time but I let it sit for so long that it became a problem in itself.

[deeplongbreath]

Nice post

[digdug]

Good stuff egojoe. Sounds like you really thought this through.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

~dig

[AC Slater]

Great post man. I think you just eventually reach that point where you're mentally, physically and emotionally drained. You're just 100% done. You realize the futility of being in constant anguish over something you have no control over. You kind of just grow out of it and shed that entire layer of your life so to speak. I've overcome that feeling of dread of losing her because i already know i've lost her, that feeling of them being with other people, moving on with their life, being happy without you doesn't phase you because you just don't care anymore. You've successfully detached and the only emotional ties that remain are there from habit, not a product of how you actually feel. It's sad, but also extremely cathartic. When you know you've put it all out there and been shot down, it kind of feels good to just let go and live your life, with no regrets and "what ifs" lingering. One day they'll realize they had someone who cared so much about them they actually went to the trouble of learning how to compose themselves and better themselves with the thought of reconciling with them in mind. They'll realize we never held grudges, never started fights, never showed anything except love and a desire to work things out. By then hopefully we'll be with someone who has already seen these qualities in us and who wouldn't leave us in the first place..

[endy]

Yup, eventually your mind just gets sick of it all. At least mine did, and I had to do that before I got 100 percent over it. Some people I don't think ever let go 100 percent and that's very understandable, but it's not the best thing for you. Eventually you just say f this and can't take it anymore. You make the decision to block the rest of it out. That's fine, as long as you know that you've dealt with the feelings and won't carry anything with you into the next relationship.

 

Also, although the advice is usually pretty good on this forum. I've always been a man that does what he feels is right. I will listen to nobody if I feel I'm doing the right thing. You just have to have the wisdom to know when to, and when not to do certain things. It all comes with experience, and that's why sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right, no matter what someone tells you. It's the experience and learning from the outcome that provides wisdom in life.

[EgoJoe]

For me, that was confronting after many months NC. I still didn't go all of the way, but, it felt good. I am now faced with the other pain but I am actively blocking it out.

[Jim Wormold]

...Eventually you just say f this and can't take it anymore. You make the decision to block the rest of it out. That's fine, as long as you know that you've dealt with the feelings and won't carry anything with you into the next relationship.

 

Also, although the advice is usually pretty good on this forum. I've always been a man that does what he feels is right. I will listen to nobody if I feel I'm doing the right thing. You just have to have the wisdom to know when to, and when not to do certain things. It all comes with experience, and that's why sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right, no matter what someone tells you. It's the experience and learning from the outcome that provides wisdom in life.

 

... One day they'll realize they had someone who cared so much about them they actually went to the trouble of learning how to compose themselves and better themselves with the thought of reconciling with them in mind. They'll realize we never held grudges, never started fights, never showed anything except love and a desire to work things out. By then hopefully we'll be with someone who has already seen these qualities in us ....

 

Two great posts.

 

When I bumped into her recently and I tried to explain what happened to me emotionally last year after she flew away and realised it was all going over her head, that she probably didnt care either way with her smile and enthusiastically nodding head; later, when she looked me hard in the eye and said: "it wont happen for us now, not in one year, not in ten years. I am not going back." - then I knew I was alone with my misery and that all I have to do now is remind myself of her last statement over and over until this "repeating car-crash" of if onlys and desperation....would finally just get out of my system.

 

My therapist told me two things today: be thankful for that love you received from her once because some never get it, and remember that she left you for overseas, she is to blame too.

"...so change your attitude."

 

...Eventually you just say f this and can't take it anymore. You make the decision to block the rest of it out. That's fine, as long as you know that you've dealt with the feelings and won't carry anything with you into the next relationship.

 

soon soon.

[xcrunner]

Excellent post EgoJoe, thanks for sharing.

 

I think the crux of your post gets at the notion that you should do what is best for yourself.

 

It's still early for me, 2 months since the break-up, but I can honestly say that part of my strength and resolve to not stray from the healing path has come from getting a lot of the frustration and angst out of my system. And that included directing it at her.

 

She tried blaming the whole break-up on me and took no responsibility for her own faults and flaws. She broke up over text message and didn't give me a chance to say anything to her. She trashed me to herself (in her mind) and to everyone else around her as a way to justify her decision. Post-break up- I apologized to her for my actions, tried to show as much compassion as I could, never criticized her to anyone (besides some family members) and she reacted with staid indifference and/or duplicitous intention of keeping me around to deliberately hurt me further. I stayed in no contact as much as I could for the first month, even though we worked together. I've since moved on and gotten a much better job.

 

Three weeks ago, right before I'd left the job, she gave me my opportunity by asking me to work a shift for her. When I said that I had made prior plans, she reacted with a cold, biting attitude- almost as if I owed her something. In turn, I laid out what I thought of how she dealt with the break-up and how she had treated me. I did this in a subdued, almost detached manner- not resorting to emotional outbursts of personal accusation. I chose my words very carefully. Her words that followed in reaction to my controlled dialogue were filled with the immaturity and "grasping at straws" traits that I always knew had defined her in part. She was basically trying her best to hurt me with whatever she could conjure up.

 

I got everything that I wanted to say out of my system and finished by telling her that I had nothing further to say to her.

 

Take-away point: If I hadn't had that last dialogue with her, it would probably still be festering inside me, inhibiting my healing process. Of course it's still early and like everyone, I go through all of the phases of abandonment healing as the hours and days pass, but I truly feel like there's nothing left to say from my end.

 

Advice here is usually great, NC is great, but don't forget that sometimes we need to do what we have to do in order to move forward and facilitate our own healing process.

[brandnewday47]

Excellent post, EgoJoe.

 

I'd read the Dale Carnegie book a few years back but forgot that quote. Thanks for sharing, it came at the right time.

[Musical77]

Wow - excellent post. "Don't take advice that doesn't sit well with your inner character". Couldn't have put it better myself. There is a lot of great advice on these forums, but I believe it's very important to trust your own instincts. Sometimes we get it wrong with our own instincts, but I think it's important to make our own mistakes and follow our own path. I am not where I'd like to be, but I actually felt a sense of relief when I finally plucked up the courage to get a few things out of my system. This is a hard road indeed.

 

Thanks for the thought-provoking post.

[EgoJoe]

Thank you. It is important to remember that I still say to let time pass before you actually make a decision. Letting things left unsaid will eat many people up though. Two months minimum IMO.

[EgoJoe]

Bump before I go to bed.

[xcrunner]

Ego, I deleted my Facebook long before the break-up because I just thought it was a waste of time. No worries there. However, I came to find out a few days after the break-up that she had a public twitter account. I was checking it for the first two weeks, but then stopped after we had our last conversation and I started seeing things on there like "It sucks being single when you know what you want" and "I won't delete you. I'll keep you around to show you how happy I can be without you." etc. You catch my drift.

 

It's been about a month since I've talked to her or looked at anything. Sometimes I get that urge to look at her twitter account again to "check up" on her, but then I always stop myself. Any tips to kill that urge? I know nothing good can come of it, and it certainly won't change anything. I always just say to myself that it doesn't matter anymore.

 

What was your experience with checking her social networking after the break-up (soon after and six months down the road)?

[EgoJoe]

It was never good hence why I didn't do it for so long. Anything they do may in fact hurt you...even the benign stuff. I have no wisdom to give on that topic. I apologize.

 

Gym, tan and laundry, heh. As superficial as it seems you distract yourself while you gain perspective.

 

Too much perspective can confuse you so be wary.

[dumPI]

Something that worked for me is telling myself: "Well, if tomorrow I feel this way I'll check it tomorrow". Usually as this is a hell of a rollercoaster the day after I'd be in the hating mood or anger mood or even better in the "I don't give a damn" mood and had zero intentions to look at anything about her.