radiohead20 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 So I met this great girl about 6 months back - I thought she was very pretty/we got along extremely well and had some great chemistry. I took her as she came accross to me and that was a very sweet, kind, intelligent person that I could see myself with. She did not play games and was very direct and open about things (not flakey at ALL). however, as we dated longer she mentioned some things that set off my "red-flag" alarm. such as: -Cheating on her 1st bf (making out only) (infedility) -Allowing guys to use her and not really seeing it (naiveity) -A couple occasions where she has stolen small merchandise from shops intentionally ( Everytime she told me one of these things, It sorta confused me and set me off. She had a "justification" for doing each one, but in my mind what is wrong is wrong, and unless you are in an extremely stressed emotional state while doing it (which she wasnt), It is hard for me to condone it. Despite these flags, we got along extremely well and had a high level of passion/excitement and could talk about anything were very comfortable around each other. Also, It was hard to believe she did those things in the past, knowing her as I knew her. Thought? am I being a little too naive? am I blinded to faults by infatuation? Do good people do "bad" things and are still good people? Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 People change. Is she still doing these things? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Don't worry about labels like 'good person' and 'bad person'. People are complex. This, however, is simple. Your girlfriend has cheated and stolen in the past and instead of regretting her decisions, she has a justification. So what you know about her is that she thinks cheating and stealing are ok things to do if you have the right excuse. This she has told you in the present - not the past. No information here to indicate she wouldn't do the same thing again either. It might be different if she said she regretted those incidents, but since she doesn't, I think you need to assume she doesn't and that it's entirely likely that they will happen again - why shouldn't they? You have to accept all parts of a person, both those that to you are good and bad. However, in your case accepting someone that thinks cheating is ok with justification could be really bad for your relationship. I don't know how you feel about stealing, but there are certainly conclusions you can draw about her based on that as well. Up to you to decide if you think this stuff outweighs what you like about her. Link to comment
Joeblo Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 If I were you I would verify/reiterate to her that those things are in the past. People change and I suppose that it may be a good thing that she is being so honest with you upfront. Be sure that she knows where you stand on those topics and actions morally. If you two are really good together you shouldn't have to worry about her doing those things to you. Not to mention that she should probably agree with you that those are mistakes not to be repeated. Always keep your head up but its a good thing to give those we care for the benefit of the doubt. Link to comment
bialoman Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 How old was she? And like someone said, people can and do change over time and I think it's quite refreshing that she mentioned these things to you. To me it shows that she trusts you and has a lot of confidence in your judgement and nature if she can openly come out to you and as you said, you guys are still relatively new together. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 You can look at this a couple of different ways. 1. She feels comfortable enough with you to disclose some things in her past she isn't proud of. Or 2. She is testing you to see your reaction. Or 3. She is gauging your response to see if you agree or disagree with what she has done in case it happens again. 4. She feels the relationship has become serious enough that she doesn't want any secrets between the two of you. The making out with another guy on her first bf is not great but if she learned from it and never did it again then that is a good thing Being used by guys and not seeing it happens all the time to everyone. Don't blame her for seeing the good in others The stealing thing is something to have some concern for though unless she knows why she did it in the first place. Her having justifications for her actions is what would worry me the most. It is like a cheater claiming their husband/wife treats them badly so it is okay to cheat. Stealing like cheating is a choice, nothing more, nothing less. Hopefully she has looked inward and knows the "Why" becuase if she hasn't they may happen again. Try and be positive about all this and don't judge her. Talk to her about these things to ease your mind but don't drill her about it. If this thing is to survive this does need to be talked about and resolved. Best wishes Lost Link to comment
pinkhairedgirl Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 You shouldn't hold a person's past against them, although keeping it in mind isn't always a bad idea. It shows good character that she has fessed up to all of these things. That may be a sign of her remorse or willingness to change. I'd be worried if she was bragging about it, but it sounds much more like she is coming clean and getting everything out in the open with you. The good person/bad person argument is a whole different question. That just depends on what you believe. Do all people possess good and bad within them, or are there just bad and good people. I think it's safe to say there is no black and white, only shades of gray. I'd put it out of you mind for now and keep enjoying her company/ getting to know her better. Only start to take her past into consideration if it starts repeating itself. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Everytime she told me one of these things, It sorta confused me and set me off. She had a "justification" for doing each one, but in my mind what is wrong is wrong, and unless you are in an extremely stressed emotional state while doing it (which she wasnt), It is hard for me to condone it. This is what bothers me the most about her out of ALL that you said. I agree, people make mistakes, people do bad things. Sure, she is being honest about what she has done but she is "justifying" it. She is NOT owning up to it and saying "look, I did bad things in the past, I am remorseful for them and I know that they were and are wrong to do." She isn't doing that. She is making excuses and rationalizing bad behaviour in the past and that would tell me that she hasn't learned from her mistakes. Tread carefully here. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 This is what bothers me the most about her out of ALL that you said. I agree, people make mistakes, people do bad things. Sure, she is being honest about what she has done but she is "justifying" it. She is NOT owning up to it and saying "look, I did bad things in the past, I am remorseful for them and I know that they were and are wrong to do." She isn't doing that. She is making excuses and rationalizing bad behaviour in the past and that would tell me that she hasn't learned from her mistakes. Tread carefully here. Exactly, which is why I say don't think of these incidents as being in her past. She's clearly telling you right now in the present she thinks these things are ok. I wouldn't ignore that unless values are irrelevant to you. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 This is an odd thread, seeing as how your last thread is about how you cheated on this girlfriend by having sex with your ex. And you're worried about her bad behavior?? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 We all come from somewhere. Nobody is perfect. I would be concerned if she was still doing these things, yes. But if not, I think you should look beyond this. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I think that you are trying to create an issue that isnt there. Unless what she has done is effecting your relationship I dont see the issue. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 This is an odd thread, seeing as how your last thread is about how you cheated on this girlfriend by having sex with your ex. And you're worried about her bad behavior?? yes, I know. but just because I did it doesn't mean I can't question her. She has every right to question me too. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 yes, I know. but just because I did it doesn't mean I can't question her. She has every right to question me too. Do you think deep down you have these anxieties because you are similar to her? They always say that those who are jealous/anxious about things are the guilty ones themselves. In your case- the cheating Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 How sure are you of this relationship progressing? How are the both of you dealing with the fact that your ex-girlfriend is pregnant with your child? Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Do you think deep down you have these anxieties because you are similar to her? They always say that those who are jealous/anxious about things are the guilty ones themselves. In your case- the cheating Yes, I am. I believe that a good measure if a person cheats or how mentally tough and resistant they are. The opportunity to cheat is TYPICALLY a situation in which the right factors come together, and I believe that everyone even in the most perfect relationships are susceptible to it. People who are less willing to actively work on their relationships I think are the most prone to cheating. Relationships have their ups and down. call me overly paranoid or skeptical, but I think cheating has alot to do when opportunity meets other factors. for example, lets say you are the man. You and your S.O. or wife have had good times, and bad times, but now is one of those bad times. You two having gotten in a massive disagreement, and you have no had sex for lets say a month (so you are sexually frustrated) You are questioning your relationship. You go out with your buddies, a few of which agree with your plight and one may even tell you that you are better without her (peer support). You start drinking heavily becaue you are out with your friends (your inhibitions are lowered). You start conversing with a female and you suprinsingly get along with her VERY well. she is more attractive than your wife, and seems exciting compared to what you and your wife have been going through. She is also down for going back with your buddies where you have to crash for the night becuase you drank too much (opportunity). you end up at your buddies place, and he offers you his guest room. the rest is history. So you have Sexual frustration + Massive disagreement with current partner + inhibition + peer support to + opportunity = huge increase in change of infidelity. the only way to overcome this is, like I said, mental toughness. Of course, 99% guys that wake up the next morning after their haze that do this don't end up thinking "well, I guess this means I dont love my life". They are probably overcome with incredible, painful guilt. I know how it feels, its crippling. So yeah, based on people that I know, and other situations of cheating, I know that cheating sometimes happens in seemingly solid relationships where both parties are usually happy, but are going through a rough phase and all the right factors come together. I feel as if everyone is susceptable, even if they don't even realize it, hence my anxiety about it. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Wow! I can't believe what I just read. Cheating is a choice not an equation. No matter the situation, full moon, drinking or any other excuse/justification cheating is betrayal for selfish reasons. I have found people that steal think everyone is out to steal from them and people that cheat think the ones they are with will cheat on them. Interesting... Lost Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 This is where we differ.... If ive had a big argument with my SO id try and sort it out and make things right again, going out and meeting another guy and going back to his apartment would be the LAST THING ON MY MIND. Seriously. I agree with lostandhurt, cheating is a choice and you chose to do it. I dont know if what you said there is an example or you actually did it but you are making a choice when you start chatting to the girl, making a choice when you go back to her apartment, making a choice when you kiss her etc Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Sorry i see you said the girl goes back to your buddies house....but still.....youre making a choice when crossing that line Link to comment
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