Getting trust back after reconcilation - anyone been there??

[DebzinUK]

Hi all

Long story reasonably short: I found out that my fiance (as he was) of 8 years had been having an affair for 6 months. I forgave him but after 10 days he contacted her so I told him that we were finished and chucked him out.

I couldn't go for no contact, I loved him far too much for that, so I worked at getting myself a life and a new body! It all worked, and after about 6 weeks I told him that an ex had got in contact and asked me out. This caused jealousy from my fiance,he realised he didn't want to lose me and we got back together at the beginning of November.

It's all wonderful now, he's being totally transparent about his movements, and any questions that I ask are answered fully, even to the reasons for the affair.

However, could anyone that has successfully reconciled tell me how to go forward. I love him to bits, he is the love of my life. He doesn't stop apologising for the affair and says "he lost his way" but now knows 100% he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, but I can't help thinking that if he should meet someone else that turns his head he won't give me a second thought. He'll start another affair and just say sorry to me upsetting me!

I'm ashamed to feel like this because he's trying so very hard (he's booked us a week away, just the two of us; no kids).

I've also told him that we are no longer engaged and that if he should propose to me again he has to be sure that he can say the words of the marriage ceromony and mean them; and stick to them.

Anyone got any advice of how I can stop feeling like this?

[jolbell69]

Quite simply - you can't stop feeling like this. You can't switch off feelings, but you can go forward with the relationship and allow time and patience to build up your trust again. It is important though that you don't allow these feelings to build up a resentment towards your partner. Be honest with him, tell him how you feel and explain that it will take time for you to get back the trust. Your insecurity is natural after what happened, but for the relationship to work; you have to try to relax and breathe and count to ten when you feel you want to let it all out.

 

Have you spent time discussing why your SO had an affair?? I mean, really dig deep. Did he feel neglected, was he missing something from you? Perhaps couples counselling would help?

 

I wish you the best of luck!!

[DebzinUK]

Thanks Jolbell

We have discussed why he had the affair, basically he felt out of control at home (my daughter is causing a lot of problems and is very disrespectful to him) and with this affair he was completely in control.

 

As I said he is being completely honest with me, so I feel guilty to still have these feelings when he is trying so hard, but I suppose it's only natural. The problem is that I love him SO much that the thought of losing him again is completely devastating.

 

I was thinking of going to counselling on my own first, he has said that he would go if I wanted him to. He's willing to try anything to get my trust back, so it's silly for me to still not trust him

[changeacomin]

I agree with the lovely Jolbell. It will take time. I've just reconciled with my ex too (slightly different circumstances) but I understand how you must be feeling. Love is always a gamble - there are no guarantees in life.

Maybe counselling would be a good idea, if you both feel that's the way to go.

I wish you lots of luck and hope it turns out well for you!

[jolbell69]

Debz - please stop thinking about losing him. This is self-destructive and will put pressure on you, him and the relationship. Try to think about strategies for making the relationship work - write them down. This will help to organise your thoughts and stop you thinking negatively all the time. I would defintely consider counselling - you need some help and support. Go alone to start with, if you want, then include your partner. Every relationship is ongoing and will face challenges, so see this as a challenge. The trust will return when you feel at peace, and accept his mistakes.

[diariescs]

Hi. I saw your post on the getting back together support thread and knew I had to respond. I have been in your shoes, and I know it isn't easy. I would suggest a clear, concise book that addresses this issue. I found link removed and, according to the reviews, it is a must-have. I wish you and your fiance all the best.

 

C.