The good and bad of things

[MrMikeWikowski]

On monday I had coffee with my ex, on her request.

 

The story went as follows: link removed

 

It is a few days later now. Here is what I have learned.

 

Bad:

I am not nearly ready to spend any time with my ex. I was a wreck the last two days. Almost as bad as things that been in the past.

 

My ex is living with her new boyfriend (sucks for me - as I am very much single right now - I felt horribly lonely)

 

My ex seems to have tried her hardest to move on and forget about me

 

My ex is not cool for asking me to coffee to see how I was doing so she could feel better

 

Good

I was very strong. I never begged, or told her I loved her once during coffee, or after. I was weak and emailed her yesterday, but I just asked if she was thinking about me. Never once did I tell her how I was feeling, or ask her for anything.

 

As hard as the last few days have been, the time it takes to feel better is dramatically shorter than it was the last time I spend any time with her. I want everyone to know that the healing you are doing now does help. It doesn't prevent you from feeling like poo again, but I helps you climb out of the ditch much faster when you fall in.

 

I feel pretty good now. It is definitely back to NC for me. She has emailed me back, but I haven't even read it. Might even delete it. She still has too much influence on me, so I have to protect myself.

 

I still love my ex, and I still have hope. I know I am a fool for thinking that, but hey, in the end you have to listen to your heart. It likely will never happen, but I keep hope alive, even if I don't want her in my life right now.

 

The moral of the story:

 

Do NC. Be strong. Grow as a person. Meet your ex when you are ready, but don't expect it to be easy. Don't beg, plead, or tell them you love them. Don't be pathetic. If things start hurting again, or you feel weak and make mistakes, do NC again. NC is one and only power card. Play it when you need.

 

As a side note. My ex didn't seem very happy, or excited about life. Hmmm?

 

Good luck and be strong

 

Mike

[herewegoagain]

Well, at least your ex wanted to meet you. My ex is also seeing someone else, and I know she would not want to meet me anytime soon, if ever. I wish she would, but I know that probably will not happen. Also, at least your ex has some regard to your feelings. Mine couldn't care less.

 

Also, it's funny how you said that your ex doesn't seem happy. that's the way my ex gf acted about a month ago, but who knows?

[otrebla]

MrMike

I don't want to be pessimist, but the times I saw my ex she was not looking happy, or at least I thought she was not. I saw her kissing her new boyfriend and I saw she was not enjoying the kiss, but she told me days later she's happy and in love with him, sorry man, but we see what we want to see.

[MrMikeWikowski]

@ otrebla

 

It is true that we all see what we want to see.

 

But also remember that your ex is not going to tell you that she is sad in her new relationship. She doesn't want to show that the choice she made was not a good one for her. An ego thing to be sure.

 

Mike

[cassiana]

If I dumped a guy and was dating another I wouldn't want to see my ex unless

1. I was unhappy with my current guy and needed the ego boost of seeing someone I know likes me ( I wouldn't be so mean as to do that personally but some women would)

2. To have a friend whom I could use to make my current ex jealous (again too nice to do that)

3. I missed my ex and regretted the break-up and wanted to test the waters. (I could do that)

4. I felt really bad about hurting my ex and wanted to show that though we are no longer together that I do care about him and what he is going through. (While I would feel that about nice exs I'm too much of a coward to do that)

5.i am angry at you and just want to show you that I'm doing better than you.

6. I am angry with myself about what I did and am taking it out on you. (I personally couldn't do 5 or 6 but I have a friend who is at her meanest to me when she feels guilty for having let me down.She resents me for making her feel guilty)

7. She is thoughtless and just felt like meeting you(women generally invest alot of thought into their relationships so its unlikely.

 

So does she fall into any of the above categories. Whichever motivation she has should determine your response.

[MrMikeWikowski]

@ cassiana

 

Wow. Thanks for the insightful post. I really appreciate a females perspective.

 

I am not sure which one of those that she falls in. Probably a few of them. I will think about it and get back to you

 

Thanks again

 

Mike

[cassiana]

You are welcome. obviously all women are different but i know what some are capable of and some aren't. I also know that men don't often see their real faces. Some are genuine but some are best avoided.

 

good Luck.

[MrMikeWikowski]

@ cassiana

 

Well I have thought long and hard about the motivations of my ex.

 

I wish I understood her motivations. I can't really get a good idea of what was/is in her head.

 

However, your obervations are very insightful.

 

I think that it might be a combination of:

 

One: That she really cares about me and wanted to make sure I was doing OK. However, I know she was keeping tabs on me anyway, and knew how I doing - I don't know why she needed to do that in person. And if I had been a total mess, then what would she have done? She did tell me before that she just wanted to see how I was doing. She repeatedly said that when we went for coffee. Like it was supposed to reassure me? or her? I don't understand?

 

Two: I'm just guessing here that she is not all that happy really and misses me. I might just hope this, so it could be wrong. It just seemed to me that she didn't seem very passionate or excited about things. I always remember her as a person full of passion and life. It seemed to be missing. Either it was my company, or things are hard for her. Maybe she wanted to see me, so that I would make her feel better. I don't know.

 

Third: Maybe she was testing me to see where I am in my healing process. I think I got about a C+ for my performance in that regard. Which is probably a good indicator of how much I have healed. I Managed to keep my own. I never broke down. I never said I love you or I miss you. I never said anything to indicate that I wanted her back. On the other hand I stumbled when she asked me if I was seeing anyone. And, I quickly changed the subject when she told me she was living with her ex. I also told her that I couldn't be friends with her, and that I wasn't that interested in seeing her anytime soon. I was saying it for my own best interest, but maybe she did really want to see me again. It's good to have at least part of my spine back.

 

My final impression was that she had totally moved on. She has her new boyfriend she is living with, and all of her new plans, which of course did not involve me. She was her own new woman. Without a bit of me.

 

But if this was the case, why see me? I know she might care, but I am sure after all of our history, she knew that it would not be a good thing for me???

 

Anyway, I am really sorry for the rambling length of this post. I have worked over 50 hours in the last four days, so I am kind of all over the place. And still can't figure out what my ex was up to.

 

I don't plan on contacting her anytime soon. However, if anyone has any thoughts about about what she is thinking let me know.

 

Woman ( and of course men) are so confusing.

 

Mike

[Scout]

Mike...I have a question...I may be getting you mixed up with another poster, though. I thought you were married? Am I confusing you with another poster?

[MrMikeWikowski]

@ Scout.

 

No, most certainly not married. Had I married my ex, then maybe I could have avoided my current situation though.

[Scout]

Sorry - it must be another poster I was thinking of.

[MrMikeWikowski]

@ Scout

 

Any thoughts on my situation while you are at it?

[cassiana]

We see what we want to see so its hard to tell if she is down or you hope that she is.

I will tell you about my friend Helen (false name) whose story inspires me in my current situation.

Helen and Mark had a great relationship. They just clicked and within a year they were talking marriage. Then out of the blue when they were together one year Mark tells Helen that he just doesn't see her in his future. She was gutted but said fine but I don't want to see you or hear from you again, its too painful. He rang her a few times for a couple of weeks then stopped. She wouldn't take her calls.

She was truly heartbroken but got on with things. After about three months she had a relationship but it peterd out quickly. Then she continued on and was even planning to move. Then nine months after the relationship he rings her up and asks her out and begs her to take him back. She did but very slowly and with reservations. They are getting married in December.

 

I'm trying to match her and maybe you should too.

I'm amazed you r ex was brazen enough to ask if you are seeing anyone. I think the policy here is to be vague and maintain an air of mystery. If shes interested doubt and hope can win her back.

All you can do is assume the worst and hope for the best.

If you start dating you will look far more attractive to her and maybe you might actually meet someone nice.

[Scout]

Unfortunately, I have to agree with your own final belief: she has moved on.

 

She's with someone else now, and for you to harbor hopes of a reconciliation isn't realistic. There is a difference between hope and blind faith. Hope is based on the reality of a situation - certain signs point to a hopeful outcome, etc. Faith is wishing for something, wanting something, believing in something, etc. without basis on actual facts and the reality of a situation.

 

Perhaps she had some lingering feelings of sadness and guilt that she wanted to overcome by a meeting with you. While I agree with you that kind of sucks, it's also a natural human feeling. You were a central figure in her life for a long time.

 

I do think you need to start accepting this is over. How you can do this...a lot of inward thinking about what lead to the relationship's demise, for one thing...when we are still cloudy on issues, it's tougher to let go.

 

And of course, stay busy and treat yourself well. Give yourself the attention and love you need.