liking/loving...(updated)being friends.. PLS help!!!

[flavia88]

i broke up with my boyfriend of a year a few days ago. he told me he really liked me, and hasnt been attracted to anyone else in a very long time... but that he feels that his feelings used to be stronger before and that something might be just gone.......i had already told him once that i loved him, but he never used teh word "love". so i decided that his feelings are not as deep as mine and i was quite unhappy in the relationship because i kept feeling like he didnt want me as much as i wanted him. so i ended it.

my question is, how can you like someone very much and not be attracted to anyone else but not love them? its a silly question, but i guess i am jsut confused at the moment.

and is this liking/loving confusion a good enough reason to break up? or should one give the other person more time?

[justtwicethen]

Hey,

 

 

I know what you're saying. I had the feeling with my ex as well..but the thing is.. They do love you, perhaps their insecurities disallow them to admit it.

 

Or they are going through some mind numbing pain on a daily basis inside. You never know. Perhaps you are content with your life on other friends and as a result are ready to love with 100%....perhaps your significant other isn't happy with other parts of his life..

 

does this make sense?

[Foz]

i dont think because someone cant tell you they love you yet is any reason to break up. it is only 3 little words and sometimes actions speak louder than words. All that should matter is that you enjoy each others company and are happy together. men sometimes find them 3 words hard to say. Give it time, i waited over 18 months to hear them words and when i did hear them it didnt really make a difference to the relationship because i was already happy with him.

[flavia88]

well, thank you all for your reply.

the thing is, i did not break up because he wouldnt say he loved me... just that i got the impression that my feelings were much more intense and so i kept being disappointed and hurt. we never had any huge fights or conflicts, but it's the little things that kind of built up over time....we actually broke up once before about two months ago. at that point i tried to argue with him that things weren't working out, that i couldn't connect with him (he had no intentions of breaking up with me at that point). after that, he said he thougth about it, and decided that something really was missing. so we broke up. but right after that, i felt so much pain, thinking that what i did was a mistake and i couldnt stop crying for days. so i told him i wanted him back... at first he told me a few times that he just didnt feel the same way about me. but in the end we got back together and things were going fine for a while. but i kept feeling like i pushed him into it. so, a few days ago i asked him again if he actually wanted to be with me. he said that he is a bit confused and doesnt know whats actually on his mind... but he wants to be with me.

i couldnt handle the uncertainty, and so said we should make a clean break. that's when he said that he likes me a lot and is attracted only to me right now, but that he doesnt feel as strongly as he did before. so he also agreed for a clean break.

i cant stop thinking about him, or thinking why i kept pushing him to break up with me when all i want is to be with him.

i know it sounds so immature!! but i could use some advice

[justtwicethen]

Hey I know what you;re going through...

 

 

Having intense feelings for someone, and not having them reciprocated back. It hurts.

 

I left my ex for this reason...and to this day I miss her dearly (its been a year).

 

But the pain gradully becomes less and less...slowly. You have taken the decision to part. There is a reason you did this. Now stick to it. In the long run (and this is what counts), you'll be happier.

 

You can always PM me if you want to compare notes or talk.

[flavia88]

thank you edudlook13 and justtwicethen for your replies.

you are right, i need to move on. the thing is, this time the breakup hurts much less than it did the last time. and i don't think about him all the time any more and have kind of accepted the fact that we were not right for each other.

we are in NC and it has been a few days.... i think i'm feeling better everyday. NC definitely helps in getting over someone. the mistake i made last time was that i thought we could be friends - while it was Ok for him, it hurt me too much and i kept asking him to get back together... which of course only made him less interested.

it is much better now that i don't have to read his "friendly" emails everyday and dont have to wonder how he can be so cold after all we went through.....

[flavia88]

i just talked to him and we had a calm discussion and he told me that he just didnt like me that way any more and during the NC he was basically just worried that i would never talk to him again and so he was afraid of losing his best friend, but not anything else.....

he said his feelings towards me have been gradually changing for a while and that he has been unhappy for a long time.

in the end i asked him if he "ever" wanted to be with me again and he said no.

i dont know how to deal with this. this just happened now. in the beginning i had little interest in him but i think now i love him so much, its hard to just accept all these things he said.... it just doesnt make sense that this can happen when ihave such strong feelings for him.

can anyone say anything aobut this , please? im falling apart.

[flavia88]

later i realized that he was actually expecting me to say that i want him back and to cry like crazy and act hysterical like i did the last time we broke up. at one point when he was talking to me, he actually said... i think you are acting too flirtatious and want me back. so i said, no i don't. and kept meself from expressing any emotions. i was totally cool with it and jsut asked if this meant he isnt interested in being with me ever again, and he said no way. so i said fine, all's cleared up then. and said bye. it does seem like he was expecting me to make a scene. too bad he was disappointed. i couldnt help crying after he left though. it felt like i couldnt breathe. but later i realized that i dont want to be with someone who can do this to me..... he kept saying i missed you, BUT ONLY AS MY BEST FRIEND.... i guess it hurts him too when we are in NC. but i don't see why i should stay his friend after all thee things that were said and done... i just dont feel like that. so later i emailed him and said, ok i dont really want to see you again. and i hope you find someone who understands you because i never did. he replied with an almost fuming email blaming me for jerking him around etc. and said he thingsk it hurts us both a lot to not see each other at all and so he will respect what im saying and wont contact me until i contact him again, but hopes we can be good friends. then i sent the last email that i actually wish to send him ever again....i said you cant have it both ways.. and after all that you said tonight,i dont think it will be all that painful for me to not see you.

i think i did the right thing. what do you think? it hurts.

[flavia88]

and thank you edudlooc for your reply.it helped me a lot last night when i was feeling so down.

[flavia88]

i still dont know if what i did is right... can someone help me?

 

the last emails we exchanged were like this... after i told him that i dont ever want to see him again he wrote "I think

this hurts us both a lot to not see each other at all. I'll respect what

you're saying, and I won't write unless written to, but I hope we can still

be good friends. And for the record I like you a lot, and also don't understand you too well." but i replied: "you can't have it both ways.

thanks to you for the discussion tonight. i dont think it will be all that painful for me now."

 

i havent contacted him since then.