guilt and second-guessing. I feel awful today.

[justaglimmer]

So I've went back and forth with a man who I thought was the love of my life. We couldn't get along with each other, had very different opinions about important things, and we both hurt each other a great deal at different times throughout the relationship. There were times he would nag me to death and I'd feel very emotionally abused, attacked, and overall violated as a human being. And then one day, I got so burnt out from it all, I just checked out. Its as simple as that. I love him still, but I saw no hope for the relationship anymore and things had become too unhealthy and I knew I had to do the right thing and start taking good care of myself again, because I was slowly but surely falling apart. He hated any friend of mine and even judged some of my family at times. He got into this habit of getting mad at me over something petty, then going MIA for days (sometimes weeks) Then finally coming back and demanding all at once for me to make a decision as to whether or not I was going to straighten up and if I really wanted him in my life or not.

 

The last time I saw him, I was very close to just being with him again. I do love him and I have a huge heart, its almost impossible for me to hurt someone I love intentionally. He was being all sweet and talking about things that had caused him pain in the relationship and I was actually starting to believe that I was just being a heartless bi*** and that this guy was at least trying to make positive changes. He really was making positive changes, he used to never apologize for anything or admit that he'd done anything wrong. He finally started apologizing and admitting his mistakes and making promises to try harder, but he still kept putting most of the blame on me for the sinking relationship. After the last time I saw him, I stopped hearing from him again, like I'd done something to upset him. I started calling and texting him to see if he was ok and see what I'd done this time to hurt or upset him. He kept ignoring my contact attempts for 3 days straight. Obviously this ignoring me deal upset me even more and I was confused. So i sent one last text just to make peace and I left it alone. I didn't hear from him for about 19 days. He's on my mind constantly, but I was honestly feeling peaceful and ok again, taking care of myself again. During the last time we were fighting, I felt so sickly and weak and sad and I hated myself. I was just starting to feel better again when here he comes knocking. He immediately started demanding answers from me about whether I wanted him in my life or not. We fought all day and I reminded him how I tried to reach out to him and he ignored me, so I asked him why is he NOW trying to demand answers from me? He said he was actually thrilled when I was calling and texting him, but he was ignoring me on purpose because he didn't feel like fighting and he wanted to see how far I would chase him. That made me furious. I told him he was foolish and playing high school games. During those times I was trying to call him, he would actually pick up the phone and click it back off just to hang up on me without even letting me talk. I told him that it could have been an emergency or anything and he was playing stupid games! I am a human being! I didn't deserve that * * * * .

 

I told him I just feel strongly that I want to be alone for awhile. I told him that I'm burnt out and not looking for anyone else but just simply not wanting to be with anyone period. He tried to convince me that I was making a big mistake, telling me all couples have problems and that he'd try harder as long as we could just learn to compromise. He made it sound like it could really work, but I still turned away Because I really am tired of trying, and really do feel the need to be alone for awhile. I told him that now I was the one who needed space. He got very angry and said I was making a huge mistake because I'm obviously living in a fantasy land when I need to realize that every couple is gonna have problems like ours or worse. He said one day I'll learn, when I go through 3 or 4 more failed relationships. I woke up today feeling like I'm on a hangover. I'm so upset. I had just started to take care of myself again, finally got a good sleep schedule going, working out, eating better, getting myself organized, etc. Now I just woke up way past noon and ate pizza for breakfast. Because I don't have the energy to do much else after I just got zapped of it all again. I feel guilty for hurting him, very guilty. I know how much breakups hurt and to be the one inflicting pain is just a lot to take on. And i'm in pain too.

 

Any advice? Words of wisdom and encouragement? Thank you for reading

[doyathink]

I dated a man so much like him. It takes a toll on your health. The back and forth thing they play just leaves you a little more dead inside each time. This wont change, you have to realize he is who he is. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You take care of YOU. Get rid of this boy now before it gets any worse. You cant afford not to.

[justaglimmer]

Thank you, doyathink. I know you are right.

 

Its just hard because I still care, a lot. But I can't help the way I feel. Either way I'm going to be discontent. If I go back, I'll feel like I'm missing out on valuable time to get my life in order and think and feel for myself for a change. What he doesn't realize is that all of our little breaks over the past year has pushed me way ahead of the game when it comes to checking out of a relationship. He can't just come and go as he pleases and expect feelings not to change. It doesn't work that way, or at least it shouldn't work that way in my opinion.

 

And then if I stay away from him, I have to live with this guilt knowing that he's hurting and second-guessing myself at times and missing him. My closest friend just went back to a horribly dysfunctional relationship for the millionth time. It makes me mad because why should the world work that way? Why does that guy (her boyfriend) get to have her back when I'm still hurting my guy, who was actually a very good admirable man despite the fact that we horribly sucked as a couple. I honestly feel angry towards her right now because it makes me think that I didn't try hard enough for my own relationship. Apparently if you love someone you're supposed to always go back no matter how bad it gets, guess I missed the memo on that one. I personally feel like enough is enough and I'm smothering out. But to each their own

 

I don't want to be single (hell, i dont even like that word) just to "live it up" and go crazy and meet new guys. I seriously just developed this lone wolf personality, like my instincts are telling me to just seriously be by myself for awhile. I'm struggling a little here.

[justaglimmer]

This is killing me! After he contacted me again, I'm finding myself missing him and feeling so stressed out. I've cried off and on all day. I might technically be the dumper this time around but I hate it and I'm so freaking sad. It was easier when I thought he hated me. Now that I know he actually wanted me back and tried to convince me to stay, my heart is so broken. I feel like a bad person. I feel like a prisoner, trapped in something i can't really get out of.

[rogersj1]

justaglimmer, i can relate to your story, however, i am from the man's perspective, and i never played the games he played. maybe i should have. I was always trying to be the perfect bf, but that gets boring to women. My ex left me the same way you left him. But i dont think she feels bad at all, atleast you have feelings and care about the person you love, she doesnt. But to be honest, I think its for the best. not all relationships will work out, you learn from your past relationships and mistakes and you move on. You just have to focus on your life and make yourself ready for the next relationship, and hopefully the next one will last longer and will be more fullfilling.

[justaglimmer]

rogersj1,

 

thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in, and I'm sure this is a very hard time for you. Be proud of yourself that you never played games - it really messes with someone's head. I wanted a healthy relationship for a change, but him and I obviously had 2 very different opinions about what "healthy" means. I'm in the most stressful situation I've ever been in - my instincts strongly tell me to not go back to him, but yes, I do still care and want him to be okay. If your ex doesn't still value you, then your breakup was obviously for the best as well. Keep striving to be a good boyfriend in any future relationship you get in, it may not seem like it but someone out there WILL appreciate you if they are in a healthy state of mind and are ready for what you have to offer.

[doyathink]

I feel ya. I could have wrote your story. We have a LOT in common. I dealt with it for so long that I starting resenting him. It hurts to stay, it hurts to go. But at least there will be an end to the suffering if you leave, bc one day...it wont hurt anymore. I didnt leave my bed for two months.

 

Yeah, Im not dating either. Im ready to finally...just havent found anyone Im interested in. But like you, I stay to myself mostly.

[justaglimmer]

I feel ya. I could have wrote your story. We have a LOT in common. I dealt with it for so long that I starting resenting him. It hurts to stay, it hurts to go. But at least there will be an end to the suffering if you leave, bc one day...it wont hurt anymore. I didnt leave my bed for two months.

 

Yeah, Im not dating either. Im ready to finally...just havent found anyone Im interested in. But like you, I stay to myself mostly.

 

Yes it definitely does sound like we have lots in common. I too find it hard on days like today to even leave my bedroom. And I know what you mean about the resentment. But it was way easier for me when it felt like more of a mutual split, now that I know he's wanting to get me back, it sucks to have to be the one to say no to the person you care so much for.

[doyathink]

My ex has came around several times here lately too. But I know what will happen if I take him back. Again. Ive healed a lot, and came so far....I cant hurt like that anymore. I still hurt, bad! Have you asked yourself...can you keep doing what isnt working? Will I ever heal if I continue to let him do this to me? Yes, he's hurting, and you are too. Whats it gonna take to be able to heal? You have to use logic here and stop thinking with your emotions. Youre the only one who can make the final decision....but you need to put yourself first. No one else will.

[justaglimmer]

Isn't that the truth! He sure won't take care of me he's too busy worried about himself.

 

That being said - Big news! He texted me tonight and said he'd "met someone else by chance" and is now going to try and pursue it because he doesn't want to be alone anymore. I went OFF on him. I left him a million texts and voicemails telling him how much I hate him and how he needed to get out of my life a long time ago. I went psychotic, really I did. I'm so angry I can't take it. I literally have so much anger in me right now I could burst.

[justaglimmer]

I guess now I don't have to worry anymore about hurting him, because he just hurt me more than he'll ever know. I'm literally shaking.

[doyathink]

And now you just gave him the upper hand. He told you that outta spite to hurt you, and you bit it hook, line and sinker. Look, if theres one thing Ive learned being here for all these years...its never speak to them when Im angery.

 

Always stay calm, and if you cant, or have nothing constuctive to say....dont speak at all till youve calmed down. I wouldnt have even responded to that. He's proven time, and time again he's capable of crushing your heart.

 

Go no contact as of right now. Whether he said this cause its true, or jus to hurt you, who knows. But you need to take control in this. He's so confused himself, and hurting that he's going to project that back on you. If he is seeing someone already, shes being used. It wont last. But dont concern yourself with that....gain some strength, and pride. Going NC will make him wonder what youre up to, and why youre not bashing down his door. He'll finally realize what he lost. And, it'll tell him that you dont give a damn. That you have a life and it doesnt revolve around him. Its a hard wake up call.

[justaglimmer]

Yep, you're so right. I totally lost my s*** and now I'm kicking myself for it in a big way. I haven't acted that crazy out of anger in a very long time. I thought I was doing better than that. I'll definitely go back to NC now. Its the only way I get any peace and obviously the only way I can keep my sanity in general. I really, really wish I could take back my reaction to what he said here tonight. I've got a lot of work to do (for myself).

 

Thank you doyathink for replying to me today, I'm sorry you were once in a situation like this. Your input has been very helpful and appreciated.

[doyathink]

Im STILL in the situation lol....thats why its so fresh. Im NC too, but he trys to bait me every couple of weeks. Still!!!!

 

Anyhoo...dont beat yourself up...ya let off some steam you had built up lol. Sometimes we have to vent, then pick your ass up off the floor, straighten up, and soldier on! Remember this....whether they love you or hate you, youre still gonna shine! If they love you, youre stuck in their heart. If they hate you, youre stuck in their head. So make sure you dont hate. That rents up too much space in your head, and mind eff's ya alllll daaaay looooong.

 

Hes not worth your time, so dont give him your time. Youre very welcome. It helps me to know, Im not alone too.

 

You got this. have faith in yourself