bebeblondie Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I started talking to this guy off a dating website. He seems very nice, we have a lot in common, in terms of background and stuff...we've been speaking since Sunday. He texts me all day long, which I'm usually against...but since his texts are light and sweet for the most part it really doesn't bother me. Anyway, yesterday was my birthday, so this weekend im going away with my friends...he is aware of this, and I told him which hotel we were staying at. This morning I get a text from him saying "the reservation wasn't under your name so i explained to him it was under my friend's name cause she gets free rooms (i didnt tell him my friends name) he said "oh ok cause i wanted to send booze to the room", which is nice and sweet...but maybe im being silly, isnt that a bit much if we haven't even met yet in person yet? Btw I think we're gonna meet next weekend. I've been out of the dating game a while, so I can be completely wrong, but just wanted to know what you guys think? Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 He hasn't even met you and is texting you all the time.? He wanted to send booze to your hotel room on your birthday? These are big RED FLAGS and you should be taking notice. He sounds like he's a very needy and overbearing kind of guy. He's coming on way too strong, particularly in light of the fact that you haven't even met him in person, yet alone had a date or two with him. If he is acting like this now, you've got to question his motives and wonder how needy and smothering he's going to act AFTER you meet him in person. I would be very guarded if I were you. You say you've been out of the dating scene awhile. I assure you that this is not normal and healthy dating behavior. Way too "bit much" as you put it. Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 See i had a hard time telling if it was charming, or a bit much...lol Maybe I'm just scared that when we meet up he may not like me or vice versa...but I guess thats what online dating is. Link to comment
DN Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 He's trying a little too hard but that is better than not trying enough. How are you responding to his texts? It may be that he feels you aren't feeling it as much as he is and thinks he has to ramp it up. Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 He's trying a little too hard but that is better than not trying enough. How are you responding to his texts? It may be that he feels you aren't feeling it as much as he is and thinks he has to ramp it up. I have responded to all his texts...I have acted interested, but with reason given the fact that I haven't met him yet. Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 He hasn't even met you and is texting you all the time.? He wanted to send booze to your hotel room on your birthday? These are big RED FLAGS and you should be taking notice. He sounds like he's a very needy and overbearing kind of guy. He's coming on way too strong, particularly in light of the fact that you haven't even met him in person, yet alone had a date or two with him. If he is acting like this now, you've got to question his motives and wonder how needy and smothering he's going to act AFTER you meet him in person. I would be very guarded if I were you. You say you've been out of the dating scene awhile. I assure you that this is not normal and healthy dating behavior. Way too "bit much" as you put it. Well his texts are light and sweat, its not heavy conversations or anything so I'm not that bothered by it. I do think he maybe trying too hard, but I dont want to be too quick to judge that he's needy and overbearing just yet. I think maybe I should meet him in person before I can make that judgement. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 He hasn't even met you and is texting you all the time.? He wanted to send booze to your hotel room on your birthday? These are big RED FLAGS and you should be taking notice. He sounds like he's a very needy and overbearing kind of guy. He's coming on way too strong, particularly in light of the fact that you haven't even met him in person, yet alone had a date or two with him. If he is acting like this now, you've got to question his motives and wonder how needy and smothering he's going to act AFTER you meet him in person. I would be very guarded if I were you. You say you've been out of the dating scene awhile. I assure you that this is not normal and healthy dating behavior. Way too "bit much" as you put it. I agree with this, particularly as I've been in a similar situation, except I had been on ONE date with the guy and he was acting kind of like this. After ONE date, which seemed to go pretty well, we were trying to plan the next one, but I had gotten sick and wasn't feeling well during the subsequent week. On that following Friday morning, I had started to feel better, and a friend called me Friday afternoon, last-minute, to ask if I wanted to go to a movie. Since I was feeling better, I went. I came home to a lengthy e-mail from the guy stating that he'd come to my house with a pot of soup he'd made (!) and, finding me not there, had then gone to my work (!) which, on a Friday night, is pretty much a ghost town other than some custodians and security, and he'd even asked a custodian if he knew where I was! Oh my. Having not found me, he said, he'd gone home and fed the soup to his dog (!) Well, that made me nervous -- he barely knew me, and he was doing all that AND his e-mail felt like he was keeping tabs on me. He and I hadn't had any plans for that night -- tentative or otherwise -- and I really WAS sick but had felt better that morning and therefore took my friend up on her movie invite. I was unsettled by his behavior, but ignored the red flags and went on a few more dates with him. He bought me flowers three times in a month, bought me expensive candy, wrote me poetry, introduced me to family members and then...after only a little over two months, dumped me cold, with a lame excuse. Definitely some red flags in the situation you described. I would worry that either a) as FunBoater points out, he could turn out to be really needy/smothering/controlling once you meet him OR b) like the situation that happened to me, he could, as soon as he feels like he has you hooked, turn around and disappear on you or go really cold. Often, people who come on REALLY strong in the beginning and try to move things along very quickly lose interest very quickly as well, and it's like riding a very unpleasant rollercoaster. I think this guy is way over-the-top, especially since he's never met you. He's acting like you're 'together' in a sense already, and him calling the hotel to find out what room you were in, and his resulting disappointment when he couldn't find your room, seems bit much. It seems like he was checking up on you to see if you were really where you said you were going to be. I could be wrong about this, of course, but that's what it feels like to me. If you plan on meeting him, then do so, but...tread carefully. If you feel uncomfortable, listen to that feeling, because it's telling you something. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Well his texts are light and sweat, its not heavy conversations or anything so I'm not that bothered by it. I do think he maybe trying too hard, but I dont want to be too quick to judge that he's needy and overbearing just yet. I think maybe I should meet him in person before I can make that judgement. I think you should meet him if you really want to, but, as I said in my other post, if you feel uncomfortable either during or after the meeting, listen to that feeling. I can see DN's point that he might just be "trying too hard" but the hotel thing bothers me. If you were already dating then maybe I'd see it differently, but you've been texting him for only a week, and he doesn't know you. It just seems very heavy-handed for someone you've never met. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I would not meet this person -he lacks common sense about boundaries with people he doesn't know well and seems very needy. Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 I think you should meet him if you really want to, but, as I said in my other post, if you feel uncomfortable either during or after the meeting, listen to that feeling. I can see DN's point that he might just be "trying too hard" but the hotel thing bothers me. If you were already dating then maybe I'd see it differently, but you've been texting him for only a week, and he doesn't know you. It just seems very heavy-handed for someone you've never met. Yea if I'm being honest, calling the hotel thing does creep me out. And I do have this feeling like was discreetly maybe trying to keep tabs on me. Besides my friends don't kow Im talking to this guy..it would be way weird if there was a bottle of liquor sent up to my hotel room from a stranger, and it would be even weirder explaining it to my friends. Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 So my question is, where do I go from here? Should I keep talking to him? Should I let him know that he's coming on a bit strong? Or do I just forget him all together? Sorry I'm just a bit rusty and am not quite sure how to handle this. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 So my question is, where do I go from here? Should I keep talking to him? Should I let him know that he's coming on a bit strong? Or do I just forget him all together? Sorry I'm just a bit rusty and am not quite sure how to handle this. Send him a message saying that you aren't in a place to be able to meet him right now for personal reasons but you do wish him all the best and you enjoyed chatting with him. Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 So my question is, where do I go from here? Should I keep talking to him? Should I let him know that he's coming on a bit strong? Or do I just forget him all together? Sorry I'm just a bit rusty and am not quite sure how to handle this. I'd keep talking to him and drop a hint about him "coming on a bit strong" and see how he reacts to it. Since there's no hurry to meet him in person, just take it slow. If he's sincerely interested, he'll take the hint and back off a little. Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Browneyedgirl wrote: like the situation that happened to me, he could, as soon as he feels like he has you hooked, turn around and disappear on you or go really cold. Often, people who come on REALLY strong in the beginning and try to move things along very quickly lose interest very quickly as well, and it's like riding a very unpleasant rollercoaster. This phenomena is called "Gaslighting". Where a person, normally a guy, comes on really strong (like a blowtorch) in the beginning and then mysteriously, out of the blue, runs away when the relationship becomes a reality. People like that are either all about the chase, and the chase only, or have serious commitment and intimacy issues that cause them to bolt as soon as their emotional desires are realized. They then repeat the pattern with another person, then another, then another. It's not limited to males either. I've experienced it from the female variety of this kind of person. Since then I've always seen anyone coming on way to strong at the beginning as a "red flag". Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 So here's what I did, he texted me twice yesterday, just asking me if i was on my way, and then asking how it was going a couple of hours later. I decided not to answer both these texts, since he knows I'm away. I figure later today I might just sent him a quick text saying, "sorry I left my phone home". I know he might not get the hint from that, but if he doesn't then I'll just let him know he's coming on a bit strong. I just have this nagging feeling like he's the kind of guy who's gonna want to keep tabs on me all the time, and I am not the kind of girl who will be ok with that. I also don't want to make any snap judgements about him either, who knows he might be a great guy. Link to comment
shotinthedark Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Wow... this guy is WAY over the top. You haven't even met in person and he's calling your hotel and texting you constantly? That's a huge red flag. I think you're better off just cutting your lossses, because this is very revealing behaviour. Imagine you two go on a date, and you're not feeling it. You think he was being overly aggressive before, just imagine then. I would NEVER in a lifetime call the hotel of a girl, even if I HAD been on dates with her. Steer clear... Link to comment
LeftBehind Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 He sounds like a stalker to me. Run as far away and as fast as you can. Super creepy. Link to comment
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