SmilingKatty Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Guys, please share your thoughts on this. The break up was quite calm, partialy mutual, after STR. Main reason: he was not sure about his feelings. Now, after three weeks of NC, I consider asking, how he feels about the two of us. Of course I hope for reconciliation, but a negative answer could help me to move on (hopefully!). And anything speeding up the recovery would be really helpful. I have one experience with NC, which is not good (even after a year I was anxious when meeting my ex and STILL hoping. But after I had met him couple of times, I just decided, that he is not good enought for me anymore). Because of that I am thinking about trying a different approach to the whole breakup mess. Link to comment
camus154 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Don't. What you really want to know is, has he changed his mind? He hasn't, because if he had, you'd already know. Keep up NC. Closure is on you, not him. Link to comment
Cowboy1015 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Do what you think is best for you. If it's asking him, ask him. But I think you already know the answer... which is he is not sure about his feelings. If hearing this will help you move on faster then ask him. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Thanks! I need to hear this! (notice, that the thread name is "how much can I mess up" so I am practically asking for a discouraging advice...) Link to comment
ForumGuy Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 We can always assume that your ex's feelings for you are obvious......since he isn't contacting you, he doesn't want to be together anymore. This is not always the case though. Sometimes pride gets in the way of people contacting each other and this is a reason that you may want to contact him.....as long as you really can accept any outcome, including no return contact. I mulled this same question over myself for months when debating whether or not to contact my ex. My conlusion was always that "I have made it this far and do not want to be set back." They say to wait at least one month before doing what you are thinking of....whoever "they" are. Link to comment
25thfloor Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I agree with the others that state is actions are speaking loudly enough. Don't put yourself up for humiliation. it's not worth it. then you'll have to heal all over again, starting with NC day 1. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 ForumGuy: if only it was true... I definitely want to do something, otherwise I may regret my inaction forever (OK, not forever, but for a very long time In the meantime I have come up with two projects, which keep me busy. And I have also decided to see other people (no one has compared so far) to find out how unique our connection was. And my (new) work is so tiring, demanding and challenging, that I consider waiting another couple of weeks before making any contact, just to feel a bit more relaxed and rested. So I hope I will have something to hold on in case the answer will be negative. 25thfloor: It is really difficult for me to do something which feels humiliating for me. So I hope I would be able to avoid any humilitatingly sounding pleas... Actually, the other option I am thinking about is just asking him out for a casual meeting to have more "data" about our situation. Without mentioning anything concerning the breakup... Would that be a better option? Link to comment
camus154 Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Actually, the other option I am thinking about is just asking him out for a casual meeting to have more "data" about our situation. Without mentioning anything concerning the breakup... Would that be a better option? No offense, but terrible idea. You're fooling yourself and you know it. There is no more "data" you need to retrieve. You just want to see him. And if you did meet him, it will be next to impossible to not discuss the break up. Link to comment
ashblaize Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 I just entered a period of NC with my ex 3 days ago, so I'm not one to preach. but, from everything that I've read on this forum, I think that it would be a bad idea to contact him. You don't need his words or opinions to get through this. If you do, then you haven't actually let go. What i'm trying to stick to is that if we break NC too early, I'm not going to be any different than I was at the end, and neither will he. Reconciling won't be successful because you're almost picking up where you left off. I would worry about you. If he wants to work things out, he'll realize the nature of his wrongs. Just because after a month, you're ready to contact him doesn't mean that he's ready for that too and the outcome could go horribly wrong. And I don't care who you are, no one likes it when they don't get their way! hahaha Good luck with this. Stick to your guns and really focus on you. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your job and everything. Rushing things with your ex will do more harm than good and could set you back. It's not like things have to be decided finitely and quickly. Time heals... (or at least that's what I'm trying to hold onto and believe) Link to comment
Eocsor Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 How much pain can you take? What will a negative answer do to you? If you feel you can handle it, sure, go ahead and ask. Be prepared for a negative or ambiguous answer though. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 How much pain can you take? What will a negative answer do to you? I do not pretend, that I will not be sad, if says no. But I can take it. He is not the only thing in my life And if you did meet him, it will be next to impossible to not discuss the break up. It could be a great challenge! I read at couple of places, that it is not advised to talk about break up during first meetings.... I'm not going to be any different than I was at the end, and neither will he. Reconciling won't be successful because you're almost picking up where you left off.... Good luck with this. Stick to your guns and really focus on you. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your job and everything. Rushing things with your ex will do more harm than good and could set you back. It's not like things have to be decided finitely and quickly. Time heals... (or at least that's what I'm trying to hold onto and believe) Thank you. But I feel, that if I really change, I will not want to reconcile anymore, because objectively he is not an ideal partner for life. But he would be great for me at this period of my life. It is really difficult to explain this feeling... Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 Guys, please share your thoughts on this. The break up was quite calm, partialy mutual, after STR. Main reason: he was not sure about his feelings. What do you mean partly mutual? In general, I would say leave him alone with his feelings if he's not sure about them and doesn't want to talk about them with you. But the partly mutual aspect of your break-up means I wonder what he thought the break up was about and how it went. Is it possible he thinks you don't want to be with him? Now, after three weeks of NC, I consider asking, how he feels about the two of us. Of course I hope for reconciliation, but a negative answer could help me to move on (hopefully!). And anything speeding up the recovery would be really helpful. I expect a negative answer would help, since him being not sure is vague and unclear. Rather than ask him (which gives him an opportunity to mess you around by not replying), you could send a message that says clearly what you want and what you are going to do (I am basing this on the break-up being mostly him instigating it). Something like ... you understood he left you because he wasn't sure about his feelings. You are sure that you care about him and would like to have a relationship with him or at least talk about it, but if he doesn't want to do that, you will respect his decision to leave the relationship by leaving him alone from now on and moving on so that you don't care about him anymore. You just wanted to send this message so that both of you are clear about where things stand. And then if you get no response, or a trivial response, send no more messages and move on without him. If you get a response of significance, take it from there. If you are the "dumper" so to speak, then you should send a different message. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 winniethepooh: Thank you for the reply! By partialy mutual I mean, that I felt, that we are drifting apart and we should try to do something about it. During the discussion about it he said, that a break would be best for now and that he may come back sometimes in the future. I agreed, that I am unhappy with the current situation, and so that his decision is the right one (I still think the same). But that this means a real break up, not just a break. Only three weeks were enought for me to see my part in breaking up and I would like to show him, that I am stronger person and more content with my life. The letter seems too direct for me and I expect, that waiting for an answer would make me too anxious. I would rather try just a short talk with him as in the times we were getting to know each other. Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 winniethepooh: Thank you for the reply! You're welcome By partialy mutual I mean, that I felt, that we are drifting apart and we should try to do something about it. During the discussion about it he said, that a break would be best for now and that he may come back sometimes in the future. Well a maybe coming back comment like that sometimes leaves the other person hanging, and that's an unpleasant way to be. Of course, it is correct that sometimes people reconnect but the tricky thing is to let go of someone and move on. If two people are drifting apart, it makes more sense to me to first figure out why, then either try to come back together, or break up if there are good reasons for the drifting and break up. Breaking up just to try it out or to try to solve the problem of drifting apart doesn't sound like a good reason to me. Nevertheless, it often happens that one or the other or both discover they miss the person after a break up. But that information doesn't immediately help them - a break-up is emotional, so it's not immediately clear if the feeling of missing them is the natural consequence of a break-up, or signals that a much deeper connection has been broken. And if it has, what does the other person feel, and how does one reconnect with them in a positive way if they have similar feelings? I agreed, that I am unhappy with the current situation, and so that his decision is the right one (I still think the same). But that this means a real break up, not just a break. Not sure I follow this. If you think the break up was the right decision, why do you want to get back together? And why are you unhappy with the current situation if you think a break up was the right decision. Only three weeks were enought for me to see my part in breaking up and I would like to show him, that I am stronger person and more content with my life. Usually being stronger and more content doesn't come with the need to show that to other people. The letter seems too direct for me Fair enough. I tried a similar thing ... and she and I stayed broken up and I expect, that waiting for an answer would make me too anxious. Well, that's why I prefer to avoid asking questions and just make statements of what I understand and what I plan to do. I would rather try just a short talk with him as in the times we were getting to know each other. Ah, well two-way communication is better than one-way usually. I didn't realize you were in a position to have a conversation with him. Link to comment
LittleHope Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 As for a negative answer helping you to move on, let me share my personal experience: I broke NC with my ex after 8 weeks for similar reasons and i didn't get to hear what I had hoped. Her honesty was brutal and I felt devastated for 2 or 3 days, but it helped me tremendously in moving on since. If you are uncertain about how things are between you two (and your situation seems very ambiguous to me), it might not be such a bad idea to call, it could be beneficial to your healing process in the long run. At least you might be able to stop wondering about what he's thinking if his answer is negative. That's just my personal experience though, and I had the great fortune of her being brutally honest with me (without being insulting or unnecessarily cruel). I would probably wait a bit longer than 3 weeks, though. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 LittleHope: I really hope that the conversation will help me heal. I will need to have a lots of courage to really start talking about it. The answer could be ambigious again. Winniethepooh: I think I know where the problem was on my side now. But you are right, today I felt sad again and I am not as strong as I would like to be. Breakup has made me to stand back and see the situation bit more objectively, which I was not able to while in the relationship. Without that I don´t think, that our problem could be solved. And we would just drift apart even more and maybe even started to hate each other. So it definitely was right decision. Link to comment
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