I initiated NC on Tuesday. This is going to be a tough one since we work together, but I have switched around my schedule to not have to see him very often. I have found myself going to his Facebook page to see what's going on with him and there are no new posts, so either he has hidden all of his posts from me, or he's staying away from Facebook for a while. Either way, I need to stop that.
Every day should be getting easier, but it's not. I'm trying to realize all of the bad things in our relationship and how detrimental they are to my sanity and well-being. We are both alcoholics and that played a major part in our rough patches. Since the break up, I have stopped drinking altogether and have joined an amazing AA group and they are helping me through this tough time so much. I saw a therapist for the first time on Tuesday and I'm hoping that will help as well. I'm trying to realize that since I know he is still drinking (I honestly don't think he sees the problems that it brings), I can't be with him. And even after all of this NC, if he comes back around, I can't be with him if he is still drinking as much as he was. The problem that I'm having is that I love him so much and I care about him and his safety and happiness, but there is nothing I can do to help him. We drunks are pretty stubborn. I think the main reason that he was so upset with me at the end of the relationship is because I had started to realize that our lifestyle was killing us and brought it up to him. He agreed, or so he said. Two days later, he showed up at my place, wasted. When I said something to him, he held onto that and brought it up as one of the main reasons for our breakup. I'm trying to hold on and seek power in the truth of our situation, but I'm having a really hard time because I don't want him to be suffering and putting himself in danger. I know that there is nothing that I can do about it, it just hurts me so much. I hope that maybe one day he will come around and maybe he will have worked on some of these things. Even if he contacted me now, I know that we can't be together; neither one of us has changed.
I'm hoping this will get easier as the days pass. We broke up in November and after 2 weeks of LC and my being sober, he started to come to me for advice and to talk about his worries about Christmas with his family (they are a newly broken family from divorce. it happened about 4 years ago, but I know that he, his mother, nor his father have really faced the issues and worked through it.) After a night of relapse and a lot of misunderstanding, he completely cut himself away from me and has even been talking to a guy that he used to know back home (like 24 hours after our falling out). I miss him terribly and I still believe all of the times that he said that he loves me and that he wants us to work (most of the time he said these things, he was sober). I'm trying to not hold on to hope, but I wish things could work with us. I have never felt this way about anyone.... We both made mistakes in our relationship and I know that the drinking and drugs definitely poisoned what we had. I hope this will get easier... I just miss him so much.
