Came home from work and my wife was gone

[smilieman]

Update. I was on the phone to the samaritans again. It's just nice to talk to people when in a panic. My wife phoned.

 

I sent her that text message didn't I, telling her I wouldn't contact her again and to find happiness in her life. I didn't answer.

 

The crisis people told me to give her space. I think that it's wrong for her not to let me know she's ok and then expect me to let her know that I'm ok - I'm not. I passed the by the Samaritan guy - Dave. I told him that if I answer the phone, then she has the opportunity to hang-up. If I don't answer the phone, then it's a possibility that she will come home to see what's happening and I can speak with her face to face.

 

Really, I don't know what to do. She hasn't called my mobile again and she hasn't called home. I don't want to play games, but I'm not sure what to do with the no-contact thing.

[smilieman]

Now her sister has just rung - again I didn't answer. I feel awful, but why should I make her feel fine when she's putting me through this?

 

Heart's thumping like crazy

[smilieman]

Sorry to be a pain, but I'm struggling again. Don't know what to do. I am holding on for a call at 10am or around that time from the crisis team. Not sure what to do prior to that, I'm really not. Not sure if they will call at that time either. Perhaps I'll call the samaritans again.

[jumbrella]

I think your doing the right thing at this moment, which is to take a little time off from her.

 

I can't tell you whether or not you should stay NC for the long haul, but I mostly agree with the people you spoke with. At this second, distancing yourself from your immediate source of hurt is probably wise.

 

Also from what you've written-- I don't think shes handling this situation/treating you in a good way, BUT, otoh I get the feeling that she is concerned about you. If/when you truly feel you're up to it, I wouldn't be afraid of letting someone else(her sister for instance) inform her that you're working through this.

 

But right now-- its about you! So take as much time as you need. After you've calmed down some, and can think things over more clearly, you can decided on how to proceed.

 

I know this sucks, but hang in there.

 

We're rooting for ya.

 

Keep us posted.

[superfox]

Smilie, I'm so, so sorry. I know exactly how you feel right now. Life seems bleak but I promise you this isn't. This is just te start of a new life. Sounds daunting but you WILL get through it.

 

I'm away today for the weekend but I will message you on Sunday when I get back, feel free to send me ranting messages, it all helps. It's going to be hard, no one can make it easier for you, but we can 'talk' to you when you need it, there is always someone around and it's free!

 

Every single person here has a story. Every single one of us has hurt. Some of us have contemplated or attempted suicide, myself included, but we got through and are better than we were before. Seems impossible but it's fact. I'm a year younger than you and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. 45 isn't the end, no way!

 

Message me when you want, I'll reply on my return. Strength honey x

[smilieman]

Thank you all. Thank you.

 

My wife called the police as I didn't answer my phone. They have been round talking with me. They will call her now to let her know that I'm fine, which I think is unfair as I had no way of knowing if she is fine - I know she's not.

 

I'm getting ready for my interview now and I have the crisis assessment team coming between 3-3:30pm this afternoon. I don't know what more I can do. It's going to take all of my strength and more to go to this interview, it really is. My wife is at work (confirmed by the police) and the place I'm going to interview at is about 10 minutes walk up the road.

 

People, friends, you are my strength at the moment. Typing away here makes the time fly by and somehow eases the pain ever so slightly. I wish I could get angry, but I can't. I have always known that she is in pain also and confused. The police woman read the letter she had left and she commented that it's clear that even though she says she knows what she wants, she doesn't seem to as her behaviour tells a different story.

[smilieman]

Everything is happening this morning.

 

So, I've just had a call from my wife's father. Strange. He never calls. He says that she is feeling extremely overwhelmed with everything and needs a break - a bit of respite he said. He has asked me not to follow or call her and just to give her some space and although he can't promise anything, he will do his utmost to try to sort things out as much as he can.

 

He has told me to use all the facilities that I can in order to get myself the help I need to get me through this.

 

I told him that as far as I'm concerned, I think that she has left me for another man. He said to me "I think you'll find that she loves YOU".

 

So, I'll have to hang in there people. If I get through this - whatever the outcome - and get myself a job, we will all have to get together somewhere in the world so that I can personally thank each and every one of you for your support.

 

Now, I need to get washed up, don my suit and get to my interview - this is going to be the hardest challenge of the day.

~S

[adarkplace]

good luck man everyone is on here to help...

[smilieman]

Most of the day is now over and the darkness is ready to come again - I hate the night when I feel low, I think most people do.

 

I would like to share the effect that you guys have had on me today. Last night I was at my wits end. I didn't know which way was up, whether I wanted to live or die. I was in total and utter shock. Now at this moment in time, I have been to my interview and secured another contract until middle or end of January, with a large employer. How did I do it? Well, wouldn't I have been letting you guys down if I didn't show up, summon some strength from somewhere (god knows where that came from) and just do it? How can I have so many people supporting me and just ignore that support. I got offered the contract there and then and although once again, the pay is not great, I'm out at work and this time I'll be hyper-busy.

 

While speaking to a few other people, my wife's father included, they all told me that I shouldn't go for my interview because I was in a state. Huh, how the hell did I do it? I acted as if everything was fine, even though I was feeling really, really rubbish. It's all of your faults people! I would therefore like to thank you all for giving me the strength to do just that one thing. Thank you.

 

There has also been other developments this afternoon. My wife sent me a text, saying that she wanted to meet up. I told her that I was busy going to my interview (she wasn't expecting that one!) and I was having a couple of members of the crisis team visiting this afternoon. I told her that although I would like to meet up, I didn't want to if she didn't feel like she didn't really want to, or if she felt uncomfortable.

 

She then went on to tell me that she was staying at her sisters house and that she was ok, apart from having panic attacks because of my stupid episode of hanging myself on saturday. So, she wants to call me tonight and meet up somewhere tomorrow. I told her that it would be good to meet up but would prefer not to if she felt unsure and that she shouldn't call me if she felt uncomfortable.

 

She then said something that really annoyed me. She said that on Saturday she hadn't made her mind up whether she was leaving or not. She told me on Saturday that she wanted me to stop trying and that it wasn't working. This is what triggered me to attempt to take my life. Me doing that, triggered her to leave. How does that work? I feel manipulated into feeling I was in a corner so I couldn't see a way out causing me to attempt to take my life, when all along she hadn't made a decision about whether or not she was going to go anyway. I know that I should take responsibility for my own actions, but how much of this has she encouraged to happen by not communicating?

 

So, apparently, she will be calling late tonight. But, I'm not holding my breath because this is what happened last time and she didn't keep to it, so we will see.

 

Today then, has been a day of change. I start work at a different company on Monday and my wife and I may be starting to communicate. I have decided that I will not contact her and I will just let her contact me as she feels fit. I have also decided that I shall be continuing with my DIY over the weekend to get the room finished. Just because I've got this stuff going on, doesn't mean that I can't do filling and painting.

 

You done this - we done this through team work. Thank you all once again. I don't know what I would do without you, honestly!

 

~S

[diamond78]

smilieman,

 

I hope you are finding some things to smile about today! I am so pleased to hear you received some employment. This will hopefully relieve some of the tremendous amount of stress you are under. I'm also proud of you for mustering up enough courage to put on a brave face and tackle that interview head-on. You must have really impressed them if they hired you on the spot!

 

Based on what you've written, I honestly believe your wife at the very least cares about you and your well-being. I get the feeling that she is very confused and also feeling the heavy burden of stress as well.

 

I think you both would benefit from some good counseling sessions.

 

And I have learned through life that sometimes happiness will come to you, but the other times you have to create it for yourself.

 

So, keep creating positive steps in your life smilie, and I'm sure the good will eventually weigh out the bad.

 

Whenever you are feeling low or discouraged just post here and we will help you through it!

 

Congratulations on the successful job interview!!

[SapphireNoir10]

I am very proud of you. Well done on getting the contract. See, you can do it,

 

I agree with letting her contact you and leaving the ball in her court, she wants space, but she wants to meet? you need to tell her to make her mind up on what she wants because it's not fair on you at all.

 

Remember we are always here for you.

[SapphireNoir10]

And when the crisis people come over tell them your in dire need of therapy of some sort and tell them what your doctor said, they might be able to refer you somewhere

[smilieman]

You must have felt awful. I'm sorry you experienced this. I really don't know why people have these issues. Everybody I have spoken to here and in person, says that I ma being treated unfairly, so were you. Why do people just run, rather than try to talk? Do they feel trapped, or just scared?

 

Thank you for your good wishes, at the moment I have hope and maybe that little bit of hope is just enough for me to start building my strength.

[smilieman]

I shall tell the crisis people that I need counselling urgently. I have been waiting 7 months. If I got paid more and it lasted longer than 1 month, I would pay for my own sessions privately.

 

It's hard when you don't hear from jobs you've had interviews with. I was promised that my interview last week with a college would be decided at the start of this week. I have heard nothing. The interview I went to last night, I was told I would hear today about a second interview - I have heard nothing.

 

If my wife phones tonight, I shall tell her that she needs the same.

[smilieman]

So, keep creating positive steps in your life smilie, and I'm sure the good will eventually weigh out the bad.

 

Whenever you are feeling low or discouraged just post here and we will help you through it!

 

Congratulations on the successful job interview!!

Tough though isn't it?

 

Thank you for your good wishes and I shall continue to post. I couldn't be more thankful.

[mikhylabelle]

Hi, Smilieman!

 

I am so proud of you!

 

I think everyone of us are so much stronger than what we think we are. I am glad that you pushed through your pain. You are such a strong person.

 

Stay strong. We are here for you.

[harvej]

Tough though isn't it?

 

Thank you for your good wishes and I shall continue to post. I couldn't be more thankful.

 

 

Smilieman, remember! Geting a job is a matter of playing the odds and showing well. You need 10 interviews, to wrestle up 2 prospects. 20 to put you in a bid for 4 jobs prospects. Do the numbers, and it will all fall into place.

Another trick is to send your resume and cover letter with a hand written message at the bottom left hand of the envelope that states "Requested Material". Go to LinkedIn and look up the executive you want to speak with. Then go to Facebook and scan what activities or common interest that you have with them so you can discuss life and THEIR interest too. Dont forget to follow THEIR career in LinkedIn,and be able to discuss your own trajectory or ambitions that mirror THEIRS. They WILL remember you, be impressed that you did some research and your resume WILL be on the top of their list. YOU have to go that extra mile. Until you have at least 10 interviews, dont get your hopes up too much. When you do have 10, you have a choice of employers. IF you go into sales selling something YOU are passionate about, the sky is the limit ANDF your enthusiasm sells your product for you. Now you have salary, commissions and unlimited income potential. Money doenst solve everything, but money does afford councelling and takes lifes challenges off of you so you can breath.

[smilieman]

And when the crisis people come over tell them your in dire need of therapy of some sort and tell them what your doctor said, they might be able to refer you somewhere

Why is everything so damn complicated? They came, the crisis people.They dropped of some tablets "Diazepam" in case I have a panic attack. They will calm me down. This is what they gave me last night. That's it.

 

I asked them about the counselling thing and whether I could be escalated. They told me that they don't deal with that because they are the crisis team. I told them that I had had a meeting with somebody in the system on Wednesday morning who recommended that I should have counselling and couples counselling. The woman said that apparently, there wasn't any of that counselling available and that all procedures for finding me counselling would stop as I was under the crisis team.

 

So, how does that work then? How stupid!

 

1) They told me that I needed a specific type of counselling and then said that there wasn't any available.

2) They told me that I needed counselling, but because I was under the crisis team then I couldn't have any.

3) Instead, they just try to drug you up. So crisis team = drug people!

4) They said that I will need to see the crisis team doctor who only works 9am-5pm, so he can't see me as I have to go to work now, from monday. So this is only available if you don't work.

 

Doesn't make sense to me, but it seems common accross the board with the NHS. I don't know how to handle this one. It's all red tape again. Perhaps I should use some of my wage money to pay for some counselling. At least that will be 6 weeks worth then, as long as I can find some cheaper one run by one of the charities here, but I feel that I need a pro-marriage counsellor at the very least. Who knows, I shall keep investigating, but it seems that a lot of the doors have been closed since I have been under the crisis team.

[smilieman]

Great ideas, thank you. I shall look at doing this when I can think a bit straighter.

[smilieman]

Hi, Smilieman!

 

I am so proud of you!

 

I think everyone of us are so much stronger than what we think we are. I am glad that you pushed through your pain. You are such a strong person.

.

Thank you! I don't see how I am such a strong person in your eyes. I feel weak and vulnerable....and tired.

 

The link removed specifies strength as:

1. The state, property, or quality of being strong.

2. The power to resist attack; impregnability.

3. The power to resist strain or stress; durability.

4. The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.

5. Capacity or potential for effective action: a show of strength.

 

I think out of these I managed '5', would you think?

[smilieman]

So now my attention turns to this evening. I have 2 immediate challenges:

 

1) My wife's father is going to call. He phoned just now to say he will call in an hour. Don't know what he wants from me, but I think his heart is in the right place and he just wants to help. I suppose himm and Ihave a common interest.

 

2) My wife said that she will call later. First, I'm wondering whether she will keep to her word and second I'm not sure what to say. I would rather talk face to face tomorrow, if she still wants to, so perhaps the serious stuff should be saved until then.

 

I suppose I shall just wing it, but I get the distinct feeling that the fingers are being pointed to me in as much as it's me with "the problem", just because I needed to call the crisis team.

[smilieman]

Hi all,

 

Just spoke to my wife, she phoned. Bearing in mind the letter that she wrote to me only yesterday, she has just told me that she doesn't know why she left. She didn't want to, she just did it!

 

She is hurting. We have arranged to meet tomorrow for coffee, a walk and then lunch. Her father has been talking with her and he told me that she should be a bit more receptive, which she was. He told me to treat her gently, otherwise she'll just lock up again.

 

So, this afternoon I got a job and tonight it looks like I'm en-route to getting my relationship into some kind of communication with a view to sort things out. I shall be being cautious though. This kind of thing can't keep happening and from my point of view this needs to be discussed before she moves back in. She's indicated that she will be staying at her sisters all weekend. Her sister won't be there so she'll have her own space and her father will be coming home over the weekend anyway, so she'll be able to talk with him face to face.

 

We shall see what happens now. Last time I agreed for her to come back after a week. This time maybe it will have to be longer. I'm not sure. All I know that if this happens any more, then it will need to be a permanent split.

 

I'll keep you all posted, at least I'm not suicidal today. Relatively speaking, I've had a good day, winning my job contract and communication channels opening with my wife. I have everybody here to thank for this, your support has been tremendous - your time and effort means the world to me and thank you just doesn't seem to cover it. Hopefully I will be able to sleep slightly more than 25 minutes tonight.

[Turtles]

Firstly, congrats on getting your job contract!!! You just gotta take some baby steps now. I feel like what you need right now is stability, a job goes a long way for that, whether its emotional or financial.

 

Of course I hope that your conversation with your wife goes well, but remember what's important right now is your own emotions. I'm not saying this because you shouldn't focus on your marriage but rather its because you can't control how she's going to act or react. However, you can control your own, so that if you can build a strong foundation, firstly you'll be more prepared if things don't work out well and if things do work out well, your wife will also be happier that you have stability and be happier with the marriage. Focus on your career and your social circle! Maybe even get another pet eventually!

 

Keep talking with your father-in-law, he seems like he's on your side and wants you and your wife to work things out.

[smilieman]

Yes I agree with every single word of that Turtles. I realised today after I made what seemed like a massive effort to win this contract position, that this had to be my focus. I have also made a good friend in one of the guys I have been working with in my last contract. Although he is aware of the situation, I haven't put on him and tomorrow we are hopefully going down the pub for a quick pint, a game of pool and no talk about my wife situation. I just need to have a break for an hour or two and enjoy the moment.

 

Baby steps. Well, I don't know how things are going to go. I am going to push this relationship 0%. I shall let my wife talk about the things she wants to talk about and do what she wants to do. As you say, my focus is me and work, at least until the end of January.

 

My father-in-law is on my side and also his daughters. Actually it's not about sides. He wants what's best for her and he knows that we have had a tight relationship over the years. He knows I think the world of her and he also knows that she thinks the world of me (he told me). Situations need to be spoken about. Our love is still there and it's still strong. She has spent the day worried sick about me and I her.

 

She told me that she is proud of me for going for my interview today and securing the contract. Hopefully this will be a "baby" step in the right direction and proof that I can be strong - even though I'm jelly on the inside.

 

Thank you

[Turtles]

proof that I can be strong - even though I'm jelly on the inside.

 

Sometimes it's all about doing it/faking until it becomes real. Rarely in life have I found that it was because I had the resolve first within me before I acted. Rather it's because I acted first and then eventually I became that person internally.

 

Let your actions speak for themselves. Good luck!