Friend's Anorexic & It Annoys Me To Be Friends With Her [TRIGGER WARNING]

[WhenWillILove]

It's been going on for the past 4 years.

I was in denial for a long time that she is suffering anorexia because she wasn't that rail thin.

Whenever we hang out, she always manages to comment on how 'fat' a body part looks like. It's driving me crazy because she's now under 100 lbs.

 

We are not close friends, just friends. My best friend always insists on hanging out together with her & literally forces me into hanging out with her.

 

When we go out to eat, she picks at her food and always complains about how much she ate and how she cannot eat any more.

She also claims she eats like a fat person. It annoys the crap out of me when she eats a handful of rice.

 

She has a very difficult time keeping friends. Most of the people she was friends with in college stopped contacting her.

Even my best friend admits she has a very difficult time hanging out with this girl. So difficult that she takes an alcoholic drink before hanging out with her.

 

She is extremely sensitive and acts up severely, i.e. not talking for weeks at a time if you haven't returned her call within 3 hours, etc.

 

I'm really having a difficult time hanging out with her, though it's rare. Her fat comments annoy me like hell. The way she eats her food annoys me like hell.

I'm very much tempted to tell her, "You are anorexic. Go to an eating disorder therapist."

 

But....she's been in therapy for 5 years now. She's getting progressively worse.

 

Feel like I needed to vent.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Having dealt with people who are anorexic and have body image issues which results in lots of talk about food but very little eating of it, constant planning of meals and thinking about food, and constant need to exercise, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. This woman has control issues..anorexia is about not feeling in control therefore in order to feel in control, they control their eating. The fact that she does the silent treatment as punishment when she doesn't get a call back in her time frame is part of the "want to be in total control" issue which is so common amongst anorexics. The problem with telling an anorexic that they are anorexic is that they will deny it and make excuses for why they do what they do. Therapy can only help people who really want to help themselves. It doesn't sound like she really wants to help herself. It is a very sad situation but there is nothing you can do except limit your interactions with her. Also, when you are around her and she goes on and on about the food and her weight etc, just try to let it go in one ear and out the other. I know how irritating it is but you are not going to change her, so just realize it is her problem not yours.

[chitown9]

Being anorexic is a serious matter; dead serious. It is not a subject to be annoyed about, it is a subject that needs to be addressed before there are drastic consequences for the anorexic person. I hope your friend gets help before it is too late....

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, hanging out with someone who has such issues can be incredibly draining. Since you're not close the only thing I can suggest is that you tell your BF that you won't hang out with that person.

[tiredofvampires]

What do you mean by your BF "literally forces" you to hang out with her? Are you being assaulted and shackled? Why can't you tell your friend, "I'd rather not. If you want to hang out with her, go for it, but I'm sitting this out."

 

No one is coercing you to hang out with this girl. No one is coercing your best friend to, either. So both of you have your reasons for continuing to.

 

Take responsibility for your choices. If you hang out with this girl, this is what you can expect.

 

But the answer is not telling her to go see a therapist if she's already got one and it's not working. Furthermore, as CAD says, eating disorders are about control and self-control. I nearly died of anorexia and when I was that bad (though I didn't tell others a thing, I was very secretive about my food issues), whenever someone told me I had a problem that required treatment, I had three responses: rage, denial and the desire to up the ante by doing even more of what I was doing. For me, someone telling me to go fix myself was just a prompt to not be controlled by another person's evaluations of me, which I deemed arrogant and pig-headed. I saw anyone who "caved" in to eating as weak-willed and deserving of contempt. Their critical comments only fueled my obstinance. So you'll find that backfiring in a spectacular way.

 

But I don't feel you're wanting to say that to her out of compassion and concern. You're wanting to say that in order to unload your lack of compassion onto her, to shame her for irritating you so much, as a "punishment".

 

You might want to look into that, for yourself. And not step foot in the same room with her if you're stuck with this type of reactivity towards her.

 

If she is seeking help, she may very well want help, but this is a DISEASE. Diseases are known to progress, sometimes even with treatment. They now know that eating disorders share a lot with OCD, and in fact may be a type of OCD -- compulsions, rituals, obsessions, even when you wish you could stop. This is a biochemical imbalance as much as an attitudinal one, and it's probably a genetic predisposition that is activated by the "right" life stressors.

[lavenderdove]

If she is already in therapy, then telling her she's anorectic won't change much because i'm sure the therapist has told her many times.

 

The truth is we get to choose our friends, and don't need to hang out with anyone that you don't bond with or enjoy your time with. And if your best friend feels some kind of compulsion to stay friends with her yet hates every minute of it, that is her problem and not yours to solve. Next time she tries to get you to go with her, just refuse. Tell her very clearly that you feel you have nothing in common with this woman, she is already seeing a therapist and the therapist should deal with her, and that she is welcome to spend time with her if she wants, but you're not going with her anymore.

 

I'd also tell the best friend that drinking in order to tolerate a person is a clear sign that seeing this person is very unhealthy for her and stimulating problems of her own and she should think long and hard whether it is healthy to let guilt (or whatever) drive her into a friendship that is dragging her down and driving her to drink.

 

Then if she tries to suck you in again, just keep refusing to go with her. Sooner or later she'll either come to that same conclusion that it isn't a healthy friendship for her and she needs to let go, or she'll indulge her guilt for whatever reason. Your best friend's guilt is not your problem, and it's not helping anyone staying friends with someone who annoys you.

[WhenWillILove]

Thanks.

 

I really didn't think that by her ignoring a person for weeks on end was a way of controlling the situation around her.

 

I hang out with her to please my best friend. And my friend tends to harass me at times for not hanging out with this girl.

 

And the thing is, my friend dislikes hanging out with her for the most part, but her fear of not having any other friends makes her cling on to this girl.

 

Moreover, another thing that bugs me about this girl is that she literally steps all over my best friend. She 'punishes' her by not talking to her for weeks, by calling her inconsiderate, selfish and so on when my best friend is literally the only person investing her time in hanging out with her!

 

This girl really does not appreciate my friend's efforts at keeping the friendship. Yet she desperately pursues those people that have stopped contact with her. For example, she still talks about this friend of hers and how they'll hang out soon. The last time I stumbled onto this so called 'friend', the girl paused to remember who I was referring to! They haven't seen each other in over a year yet she insists the other person wants to hang out with her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This person has very serious emotional issues. The anorexia, silent treatment, verbal abuse, lies and reinventing history are all linked to the issue of trying to be in control.

[WhenWillILove]

I have never really looked at anorexia as a control issue but now I am better informed.

 

I have really tried in the past to 'enjoy' my time with this girl but somehow, someway, the "I've got a fat butt" or a, "I'm so fat right now," always managed to sneak onto our dates......arrghh!

 

I guess it's best to limit my contact with her.

[25thfloor]

I have never really looked at anorexia as a control issue but now I am better informed.

 

I have really tried in the past to 'enjoy' my time with this girl but somehow, someway, the "I've got a fat butt" or a, "I'm so fat right now," always managed to sneak onto our dates......arrghh!

 

I guess it's best to limit my contact with her.

 

I would limit my time with her. She sounds draining. Everyone has issues and problems, doesn't mean they have to be yours.

[Ivory_Tower]

Oh man I really feel for you. I have a friend that I have suspected is anorexic for a while now, too. She ALWAYS talks about how her body looks, how many calories she's eating, AND how she exercises constantly to maintain her figure which is getting even smaller.

 

It is really annoying to me. She also likes to compare my body to hers even though I've been small my whole life.

 

It sounds like obvious advice, but the best thing to do is avoid her or ignore her if you can help it. I know people on here may say, "She has a serious problem, how can you just ignore her?" Well, she is seeking help from a pro and it clearly hasn't been working very well! As a few posters said, discussing her issue may trigger a negative reaction or push her further into this bad behavior. It's a lose lose situation in many ways.

 

Just my two cents.