Cheated- twice in a row! :/

[White]

I've been trying to get over the fact that I've been cheated in both of my great relationships. And both happened long time ago but somehow...there are days like today when I can't seem to forget everything that happened.

So I need to tell my story for the first time on this forum. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

When I was 18 I met the guy that changed my life forever. Had a great relationship for almost 5 years. Somewhere after the first year and a half of the dating I became suspicious and after a while found out he cheated with this girl... So I had a choice- to break up and throw everything away or forgive him and try to regain my trust. And I loved him so very much- so I forgave him. Everything was well- but his infidelity started haunting me for days and nights... Then he depression issues and I tried to help but he kept pushing me away and I felt not loved and not needed so I thought it would be the best to let it go. So after we ended it I met another boy.

It was a long distance relationship but every possible holiday we were together and I fell in love... It lasted for a year and a half. Few months before we broke up I felt the same feeling like I did in my previous rl. Something just wasn't right. So I did some digging and .... Well I couldn't prove anything then, but now...let's say he has been seeing her and they have a child.

The first guy I mentioned was my whole world and all that happened broke me totally, I was no longer the same person as before. I kept contact with him while seeing the second guy but just normal convo- hows things and stuff. Never stopped loving him. The moment he got married as well was the end of all contact.

 

My question is- how after all this I will gain trust again? Is it me with my energy who makes them cheat.. I have no idea how to go on and how to behave? Should I act like a cold blooded b**ch and ignore all emotions?

 

The truth is that after those 2 relationships I haven't fell in love and could't hold a guy for more than 20 days.

[fleurs]

I'm sorry. That sounds like a pattern. There is a reason why you chose to have those relationships. I would get myself to therapy right now, to find out why I am doing that, and learn new ways of choosing partners.

[donpeel83]

I wouldnt say jump straight into therapy, more try to take some time to look at yourself and certain facets of your life.

 

If I use me for a second, my ex partner dumped me in march because I accidently stumbled upon her insecurities. Basically, I had complained about our dwindling sex life and the lack of effort she placed in a relationship. This, unfortunatley, mirrored things her last two bf's said to her. They both cheated on her and whilst I never did do anything along those lines I was getting strong desires myself to maybe walk away if she didnt make more of an effort.. However, what dawned on me is that in both my exes previous relationships she simply blamed the partner for "just being men" where as truth betold she had a part to play in the infidelity herself, but she refused to see it!! See, with her she was great at communication when she was pointing out your faults but she struggled to process the constructive critiscm when it was returned. Because of this she still goes through life thinking its never her fault and unwittingly setting up her own relationship death traps.

 

So, the point im trying to say to you is this. Dont place all the blame on the other person but dont blame soley yourself. You need to have an honest look at yourself and see what you might have done to contribute to the situation whilst also accepting that the previous partners were at fault as well. Now, in terms of moving on and trusting again.....you need to try and get to the point where by you dont tar every guy you come accross with the same brush. Not everyone is a cheat. You will come accross guys who will love and adore you and wont run around sleeping with other people. You just need to find the strength to learn to love and trust again.

[donpeel83]

The truth is that after those 2 relationships I haven't fell in love and could't hold a guy for more than 20 days.

 

Plus, you sound like you do have some issues you maybe need to address before even trying to be in a relationship again. Also, dont rush love. When your ready it will find you.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think there is anything wrong with therapy. Your self esteem is struggling. It may or may not be a pattern, but I hope you get the chance to talk it through with someone.

 

With the little you have said here, it seems that the first relationship may have damaged your self-esteem and decreased your judgement in your second. But it's worth exploring.

 

Don't stay with a cheater ... trust me it ruins your trust and self-esteem.

[White]

I've been through therapy in several occasions and yes I do have a problem with self esteem! I'm smart, great looking woman. But every day I have a problem with loving myself. So every single day I'm trying to learn the lesion about loving yourself first- cause that is the main source of energy sent to the people around you. If you don't love and respect yourself nobody else will... So it's a struggle, but I'm getting there slowly

[Liraele]

How do you get past it?

 

You hold each person accountable for their own actions, and don't blame them for the behaviors of past loves. It's not easy, but if you start feeling unsure or get nagging suspicions, sit down and ask yourself what's leading to them. A lot of times people will tell you that you're being paranoid - and when you have a history of things like this, sometimes it will be exactly that. Sometimes it won't. You can tell the difference, if you sit down and examine what it is that is causing these feelings in you, if anything.

 

Take the lessons these people taught you, and use them - but don't use them in a negative way against future partners. Chances are, the warning signs were there... you'll notice them again. Don't go looking for them, just be aware if they do show up, and don't ignore your gut.