EmmieQ Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 For those who have not read my story : my ex broke up with me 2 months ago, said he did not love me the same way as before (we started fighting and he is the type of guy who just runs when things start getting difficult). I saw him twice since : we had a lot of fun, laughing, he behaved as a boyfriend would (holding my hand, hugging, kissing my hair, stroking my cheek, sending me nice little texts when I was getting drinks, etc). But nothing sexual (so he has never 'used' me in that way). But each time, he confirmed he did not want to get back together, nor did he want to talk about us (although he said that he would regret, that he missed me, that he was a fool etc) A couple of days ago, I dediced I would not accept his confusing behaviour anymore, and cut all ties with him (even posted on this forum saying I was done). 2hours later, he sent me the classical 'Hey, how are you doing ? X' text. I replied I was fine (nothing more), he kept texting, asking me about my appartement etc, making jokes, ... Then he suddenly texted saying he would be home alone on Friday. I did not 'catch the bait' and only replied 'Good for you', leading to a texting marathon where he invited me for dinner, saying he would cook my favourite food etc, that I had to make sure I had to be very hungry that day. I texted him back 'If by hungry you mean you are going to cook me a lot of food, then fine, but if you are looking for a cheap ****, you can forget about it'. He replied something along the line 'Yes, of course I mean food, but if you want, you can have a hug as well, if your arms are hungry as well.' So, what do you think about this and how would you react ? Do you think he is only looking for a ****, or is he sincere about wanting to see me ? Would there be hope on reconsilitiation ? (I dont see why, as he has turned me down both times before). Why would he go into the trouble of cooking ? (he never cooks, and is really bad at it !). Any advice would be appreciated ! I don't want to be 'used and confused' (and hence will not go if his is what he thinks of), but I don't want to miss out if this is him changing his mind. Thanks !! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 If you go to his home be prepared for the big seduction scene and very likely you will end up having sex with him because you will not be able to resist. All of the lines and actions he has been using since the break up are seduction lines. There are many posts here on ENA from women (and men) who have been seduced in exactly the same way by the dumper. If you really want to see if he is just looking for sex, then change the venue. Tell him you would meet him at a restaurant to have a nice dinner there (do not go into a car with him, find your own transportation to and from the restaurant). I suspect if you change the venue to a restaurant and make it clear you will meet him there, he will find a way to back out of the meeting. I think his prime motivation is sex. Link to comment
deeplongbreath Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Yeah, this sounds like seduction. A man once did the same to me exactly. He spent hours cleaning the flat and cooked my favourite meal. Lovely night really. Of course we had sex, because none of us could resist it, and a couple of days later he was down on his knees asking for forgiveness and telling me he had made a terrible mistake when he had broken up with me. For some people, having sex apparently provides an answer to the question they ask themselves : "do I want to be with this person?". I'm one of these people, and I'm a girl, so it's not just a "guy" thing. Sex can trigger a lot of emotions and decisions. But then there are people who use you for benefits and nothing else. So that's a tricky one. Link to comment
journeynow Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 he did not want to get back together, nor did he want to talk about us A couple of days ago, I dediced I would not accept his confusing behaviour anymore, and cut all ties with him (even posted on this forum saying I was done)... 2hours later, he sent me the classical 'Hey, how are you doing ? X' text. I replied I was fine (nothing more), he kept texting, asking me about my appartement etc, making jokes, ... I ...replied 'Good for you', leading to a texting marathon... Any advice would be appreciated ! I don't want to be 'used and confused' He could be lonely or bored, and while you may be confused about what he wants, you are also sending confusing messages, which isn't helping your clarity. You ARE accepting his confusing behavior by continuing the back and forth by text. You said (above, bolded) that you cut all ties with him, but 2 hours later you replied, and so were retying yourself to him and his chit chat. In reality, you did not cut ties. I think the important thing for you to do is to decide, bottom line, what do you want now? Not what do you hope might happen, but what behavior is acceptable and what are your boundaries? What kind of relationship do you want? What's changed with him that you believe will make a difference? He doesn't sound like he's asking for a serious talk or to make amends. I can understand you still feel connected, and maybe you just want to be friends, but you get to decide, and communicate clearly, what you want. Consider your long-term perspective. Link to comment
Leona700 Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 He sounds like trouble. Honestly if he has refused you twice in the past I dont understand why you are still talking to him. For you to consider him into you life, he should go in and out of his way to prove to you that he wants you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 If you are comfortable going on a date with him and are concerned about motives then meet in a public place and do a fun outdoor or indoor activity together. Tell him you don't want to do the "cook dinner" thing because you want to actually date him and see how things go. I would not respond as you did with the "cheap ___" - that makes you look cynical and jaded -not really consistent with trying to rebuild a friendship and possible relationship. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Go out for dinner. Meet him at the restaurant and leave seperately. You'll know soon enough if iit's just a booty call. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 A couple of days ago, I dediced I would not accept his confusing behaviour anymore, and cut all ties with him (even posted on this forum saying I was done). 2hours later, he sent me the classical 'Hey, how are you doing ? X' text. I replied I was fine (nothing more), he kept texting, asking me about my appartement etc, making jokes, ... Since you took the bait, it confirmed that he's in control and has you in his back pocket. After seeing him twice since the breakup, where he clearly stated he didn't want to be in the relationship, how is his offer to make you dinner going to change anything? By showing him that you can stand on your own two feet, he'll either up the ante, or walk. Link to comment
Mephisto13 Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 He's just looking for "benefits". Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 He wants to see if you are still waiting on the sidelines. Just tell him, "no thank you". A couple of days ago is not enough to bank on a sudden epiphany. Link to comment
vanillacupcake Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 "'Yes, of course I mean food, but if you want, you can have a hug as well, if your arms are hungry as well.'" If he's the kind of guy to run when things get difficult, he's the kind of guy to run back when moving on/dating/newpeople/life without you/ becomes difficult. It will be a vicious cycle of on/off/on/off. Trust me on that one. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 "'Yes, of course I mean food, but if you want, you can have a hug as well, if your arms are hungry as well.'" Lol, he went all the way back to second grade for that one. Link to comment
lanaa Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 i think he wants sex and are you strong enough to resist? i would say "i am busy sorry maybe next time"...that way you are keeping the door open and allow him to chase you more Link to comment
EmmieQ Posted December 9, 2011 Author Share Posted December 9, 2011 Thanks for the advice, all ! Yes, I indeed think it is just about sex, but I just wanted some second opinion. I am thinking about what to text him, that would close the door if he is looking for a friend with benefits, but would keep the door open if he might reconsider the relationship. Because at this point, I am strong enough to tell him no, if he is looking for some meaningless fun, but if on the other hand if he is serious, and show me he wants to get back together, I would probably think about giving him a second chance. ps. And yes, I thought as well that the 'hungry arms' thing was quite corny. When I got that text, I just rolled my eyes and stopped answering, although I think that if I would have received such a text 1 month ago, I would just have made my day. I might be getting over it better than I thought... Link to comment
vanillacupcake Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 ps. And yes, I thought as well that the 'hungry arms' thing was quite corny. When I got that text, I just rolled my eyes and stopped answering, although I think that if I would have received such a text 1 month ago, I would just have made my day. I might be getting over it better than I thought... I'm beginning to learn, once you start to settle your thoughts on the not so great qualities... you are starting to move on. Good for you! And sweet lady, I'm begging of you... Please respect yourself. No matter how much you'd like to be in his arms again, having sex with him will only lessen you in his eyes and set you back 100 steps. How dare he think you are easy! Link to comment
EmmieQ Posted December 9, 2011 Author Share Posted December 9, 2011 If he's the kind of guy to run when things get difficult, he's the kind of guy to run back when moving on/dating/newpeople/life without you/ becomes difficult. It will be a vicious cycle of on/off/on/off. Trust me on that one. I believe you are right, thank you for this; I guess I still have a lot of thinking and 'figuring out what I want' to do... Link to comment
Pirandello Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Hi EmmieQ, my opinion is this: When someone dumped us once, chances are they will do it again and again. The reason why they left in the first place still remains, they think they can find better. Now the question is this: Do you want to spend your life or marry someone that might leave you again? I don't, My ex left me 3 times, and i bought her 2 engagement rings in the process. She said i will never leave you again, she did it again last week. Personally i do not want to be with a flaker and a quitter. Yeah she wanted to stay friends with me, come visit me and basically use me when she feels lonely until she finds someone else. Sometimes they think they found someone better and then realize they made a mistake and they want to come back. Whatever the reason, once it's broken it will never be the same. I am sorry for what you are going through, i feel your pain, i am tired of this BS too. I guess i am now paying the price for returning to a bad relationship. I hope you make the right choice Link to comment
EmmieQ Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 Well, I thought a lot about whether or not seeing him, but I decided I could not handle another 'rejection', so I texted him 'I won't make it on Monday. I am sorry'. He has not replied or texted anything back. I guess that if it really would have been important for him, he would have contacted me asking me why, or trying to reschedule. But as he did not of these things, I guess it was nothing important to him. On the contrary : he has been making fb jokes with his friends all day, so I guess it doesn't bother him at all and that he is just fine. But once again, I feel very hurt, because in the back of my mind, I hoped he contacted me because he cared, and truly wanted to see me again Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 I'm sorry you are hurt. I think when a person really wants to reconcile they don't want to risk even slightly offending the other person or sending the wrong message -just a thought in case there's a next time- you might not even have the whole "analysis" in the first place or get your hopes up if the invitation is that casual and has all that sexual innuendo. By way of example, when my (now) husband thought wanted to reconcilewith me he asked me out for two dates to dinner and theater - and he did not make a move during either one (I didn't even really consider them as real dates other than he planned them and he insisted on treating). At the end of the last one he asked if I wanted to get back together. Link to comment
EmmieQ Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 Thanks, Batya33. I am not sure my ex was hinting about sex : in the 2 times we casually went for a drink, he did not treat me that way. But when he invited me, I started having doubts (us being all alone, him cooking dinner, ...), not sure what he's intentions were (that is why I posted here). I don't know, maybe I passed out on a reconsiliation opportunity, maybe he was only looking for sex. Update : Just got a text back 'Sorry to hear that, now all the food I prepared will go to waste'. Not really the kind of reply you would sent if you really wanted to see someone... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 Well I'm not sure because I'm not sure texting is a good way to communicate about something really important and easily misunderstood like getting back together with an ex. Link to comment
EmmieQ Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 Texting was all we every day, apart from seeing each other every other day. We never called, both him and I are not really 'callers', even with our friends. But I think you are right, maybe we should communicate better, not via text. He has texted me again 3 times now, going on and on about his food, him having bought all ingredients, making jokes asking if I am on a diet and denying all food etc. So I think I might just call him, see what he wants. Link to comment
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