Trouble meeting women or getting dates...at a loss as to what's wrong!!

[spainman_88]

So I've recently been having the hardest time meeting women/getting dates, and I really can't figure it out. I'm in my late 20s, a grad student, and don't really meet new people on a day to day basis, and the people in my program are limited (been interested in a couple which never went anywhere, but it's not a source of new people). I've been in several rather serious relationships before, so I know I'm 'datable.' At other points in the past I've had significant interest from other women too, so I don't think its anything intrinsically wrong with me. It's been a little over a year since my last relationship, and 9 months or so since any significant prospects/casual dating. I'm not super picky, although I of course want to find someone I'm physically attracted to and enjoy spending time with.

 

I'm successful and pretty confident, although I'm by no means an 'alpha male.' I am sociable though, tend to get people laughing (women and men alike), and a pretty good conversationalist. Although not an alpha male, I'm pretty sure that a general confidence comes accross in my interactions. I can laugh at myself, I know I'm intelligent, and can talk about a lot of topics. I've traveled extensively, have very interesting experiences, and had an interesting variety of jobs. I'm by no means a jerk, but I don't think I fall victim to typical 'nice guy' downfalls of being too needy/clingy, too available, putting women on a pedestal, etc. I treat people nicely, but I'm very independent and I think this is clear through my experiences and demeanor. I'm not shy, but I don't randomly approach strangers much. Once I know someone, even barely, I'm open and engaging.

 

Physically, I'm 5'8, which I guess is a little on the short side for a guy. I'm athletic and sort of on the skinny side, but not extremely skinny. I'm in good shape, but not 'buff' or 'built.' I go to the gym and am athletically active in other ways too, just not a big guy. I know build and height can be a big thing to some women, but based on past experience, this alone shouldn't close me off from meeting/dating. I'm outdoorsy, enjoy outdoor sports and activities, and am passionate about travel and the world. I don't dress flashy, but dress nicely and in line with my interests.

 

I'm social and have friends I see frequently, but I don't have a huge group of friends through which I am constantly meeting people. I go to bars and take part in activities, but haven't been meeting lots of new people. I've had women approach me at bars in the past and express interest, but in the last year or so this hasn't happened.

 

I've tried online dating, and I'm currently active on one site, although I get very few responses from women I contact. My pictures on there are good, show me being outside and active, and my profile is well-written. I guess it could be funnier, but although I know I can be funny in person, its more difficult for me to be witty through writing. That said, my profile definitely isn't all serious, and seems in line with many others I see. In the past several months I've gotten very few responses, and those who I do communicate with seem to often lose interest and disappear after a message or two. I know this is not unusual online, but I can't seem to get beyond that point at all.

 

I've met a few women in person who seemed interested or expressed a desire to hang out more, but as of recent they've all seemed to lose interest before it went anywhere. The latest girl I've been interested in who has seemed interested and flirty (girl from work and school--talk about her in another post), I just found out has a boyfriend, despite her signals of interest. Like I said, I don't meet new people a whole lot though.

 

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing wrong! I want to meet more people, but between work and school, and a close but somewhat small friend group, I don't have a whole lot of free time. When I meet women in person it seems to fade, and the online thing hasn't been getting any results. When a woman loses interest I tend to get a little discouraged, but I don't think it really comes accross in other interactions; as I said, I'm social, funny, and overall, pretty confident.

 

The only things I can think of are the whole lack of having an alpha male persona, and the height thing. But these haven't been total deal breakers in the past....no idea what I'm doing wrong or what I can improve! I know the general advice, but any specific takes from women especially would be helpful. Any advice? Thoughts? Thanks for reading...

[motley802]

Don't worry about height. And 5"8 is good. Why do you think the women you meet fade away? Do they give any reasons?

 

I also found out that lot of people (both guys and girls) put their profile on dating website as soon as their breakup occurs just to get out there. And lot of times they are not ready for relationships.

 

In online dating first date is critical. And lot of times it ends there. In "real" world we generally know the person whom we are dating and there is more likelihood of progressing further in dating.

[Slimpee]

Yo, i don't have any advice but if you figure it out, let me know! I'm in a very similar position!

[spainman_88]

Don't worry about height. And 5"8 is good. Why do you think the women you meet fade away? Do they give any reasons?

 

I also found out that lot of people (both guys and girls) put their profile on dating website as soon as their breakup occurs just to get out there. And lot of times they are not ready for relationships.

 

In online dating first date is critical. And lot of times it ends there. In "real" world we generally know the person whom we are dating and there is more likelihood of progressing further in dating.

 

No, I've never gotten any explanations for why they fade away, really. One (who I spent about a week straight with on a roadtrip--whole story in itself) said she didn't want to spend "that much" time with one person and wasn't interested in dating anyone. Probably true. Another (friend of a friend), who I really hit it off with the night we met, suggested hanging out, even suggested a specific happy hour in a facebook message, then never responded when I contacted her with a suggested day. Don't know what happened there...that was one case of fading out, with a couple others there has been no reason or explanation given.

 

With the online dating, I've (recently) rarely even gotten to the first date. Usually 1-2 messages, then nothing. Like I said, I know this happens, but it seems to be happening with every woman who responds at all (and that's not very many of them to begin with).

 

Ideally, I'd want to meet more women in person rather than online. But since I don't in my day-to-day life, online is another possible (or maybe not possible) route.

Any other takes/advice? Thanks.

[jenny_mcs]

My first gut reaction to your post was- when you meet women you want to date, are you sure you are flirting and making sure they know you are romantically interested? I just get such a strong "what a great guy to have for a friend" vibe to this post.

[spainman_88]

My first gut reaction to your post was- when you meet women you want to date, are you sure you are flirting and making sure they know you are romantically interested? I just get such a strong "what a great guy to have for a friend" vibe to this post.

 

I try to, but in some settings (ex. grad classes) its harder to flirt right off the bat when meeting and getting to know someone. Then again, for the most part I;m not trying to date people from classes. In other settings, yeah I try to, lighthearted teasing and stuff, but I guess I'm not that forward about expressing a desire to date right away. I tend to gravitate towards building up a joking/lighthearted rapport rather than stating romantic intentions straight up. Any tips on how to be better at this?

[WockaWocka]

My first thought is that if you've been able to get dates before then the current phase of rejection has to do with you being a student. I recently finished a long grad program and was generally surprised that while I (as a woman) could get dates outside school quite easily, that for guys dating outside school was tougher. No one came out and said why, but women just didn't seem that interested. Personally a guy's income is not all that important to me. But some women are surprisingly retro in their desire for a male provider.

[WindowTo]

Concentrate on socializing more not on getting a date. If you see a girl, think: I will make her my friend. Then open doors this way. An attractive girl is likely to have attractive friends, and even if you have to avoid romance with her, it can open other options up. A lot of time when people are lonely they make the mistake of trying to come on to every attractive girl they come accross, while my strategy gives you 2 benefits new friends and more options!

[Batya33]

When I was in my late 20s and in grad school for part of that time I met men at singles events (including a weekend retreat), through personal ads, through friends and I met people at a singles resort. Unfortunately it is a bit of a part time job at times because you have to seek out the places where the single people are and keep showing up (and then meet their friends)- even when you're busy with school My hunch is that your so-called dry spell is more of a coincidence/a phase than anything actually "wrong" - we all experience that from time to time. Good luck.

 

And no 5"8 is not a problem!

[Ms Darcy]

I think people kind of expect interest to grow on trees and women to fall into their lap. Relax! Socialize. It ebbs and flows. I think your ego might be hurting more than anything.

[spainman_88]

Thanks folks!

I try to socialize more as well...just that so far that hasn't turned out to be a fruitful avenue for meeting new women. That's good advice though, thanks. Not sure if it's a factor of being a student...lots of grad students I know seem to have no trouble meeting people.

 

Anyway, feedback is appreciated. Mainly I was wondering what it is about me, if anything, that's preventing me from getting dates/meeting women. If there's anything I can do differently or better...

[somethngwrng]

People in online dating are fickle. I do it myself even, when I already have several "interests" I will forget/be too lazy to respond to new people. Talking to 2-3 people and organising dates is consuming enough.

 

Just send out lots of "light" messages fishing for a response. If you get a response, there's your cue. So many girls in online dating won't even respond, because they have 100 other messages to filter through and are already dating with several men. I have the same troubles as you and it is discouraging, though you have to look at the reality of the situation. You might have to date many women online before you find one you click with.

[Absolution87]

Based on the wording of your posts, you come off as very sincere and down to earth. But, I think those very things may be actually hurting you. If your online dating profile, messages, or even real life conversation is too much that way, you WILL be overlooked by women. You need to provide a sense of excitement and mystery to set yourself apart these days. I know that you're likely not boring, but your conversation style may be.

 

My advice: ignore this "confidence" cliche. While there is truth in it, what you really need is a high self esteem and high ego. Here's a way to practice: approach many attractive women and say things that you initially think you'll be border-line slapped in the face for saying. You may be surprised at the results and your confidence/ego/self esteem will increase. It gave me positive results, however out of character it was.

[spainman_88]

Thanks....I do recognize that to some degree, especially with online profile. Any tips on how to come off less sincere/more more egocentric/ exciting (or mysterious, etc) in an online profile or messages? I don't think its a problem in real life conversation though, I'm pretty sure I don't come off as boring at all when talking to ppl in person.

[wsim]

Yo, i don't have any advice but if you figure it out, let me know! I'm in a very similar position!

 

Same here... I'm finding that the available dating pool of single women around my age are quite limited. Meeting new people is tough for me, I've tried it through friends and online dating, but with discouraging results.