Emotional...

[tcan411]

So I have been in and out of this forum over the years but am in a tough spot so I thought I would try to get some advice and just lay everything out and see how people react.

 

I work in a rather large company down south (one of those really large fortune 500's). So there are a lot of people that work in our office. I have a senior position in my division and there are about 50 people that work in the division.

 

I have been here for about 7 years. When I first started there was a woman that I instantly found attractive that was about the same age as I was (in a more junior position). We started to hang out a bunch; I was single, she was in a longtime relationship. We had a really great chemistry but things were strictly plutonic. I really enjoyed her company a lot and truly looked forward to every conversation.

 

She broke up with her BF (totally nothing to do with me), and we were both single for awhile. Things were the same but there was definitely a tension that was building. It was exciting, but I also realized we were pretty different in a lot of ways, and then there was the obvious workplace issue. Needless to say we had a one night stand (again both single) which was one of the hottest moments of my entire life. We both sort of moved on though, realizing the difficulties but never talking about it. She took some time off after and when she came back we sort of flowed back to the way things were.

 

Long story short in the last 4 years she got married and had a few kids. From her words it wasn’t the happiest of marriage decisions, but more of an "I’m getting older, want kids, and this is the best I can do". She would talk about the problems with me a lot. All the while we were still fairly close but little less so. We still talked a lot about life, but I tried to keep things a little bit distant. We would have some pretty awesome (perhaps a bit flirty but not really intentioned to be so) email exchanges ever few days.

 

I also met a great girl and got married last year in the spring. We have been dating for two years, and it was during this time I realized that this relationship was borderline inappropriate. Our emails were pretty harmless to me, but my now wife saw one when we were dating and flipped out at the tone of it. I said it was nothing but had never really thought about it. I just knew I really enjoyed our chats and emails.

 

Fast forward to now; married since the spring, her with three kids and husband I don’t think she’s super into. She was away for a maternity leave and since she’s been back the emails have increased. Now too, we have started texting during the nighttime. Sometimes it gets a little flirty and few times (when drunk) it’s gotten super flirty, but we both talk about nothing physical since it would hurt our SO. I have to say though that it’s getting to be quite addictive. I really look forward to this woman’s interactions, so much so that I have to stop myself from doing it too much. I know she feels the same way about it as we have talked about it.

 

I know this is simple, stop doing it, but it’s so much more complicated. I am starting to have real feelings for this other woman that are above and beyond what I have ever felt for her in the past. I love me wife, I really do, I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I just have no clue what to do. I'm starting to actually have dreams of leaving for this other woman.

 

I guess my question is this the dreaded Emotional Affair, and what does it mean. Do others have the same experience? I guess I'd just love to know what people thought about these...

[FrenchFries]

It's not as complicated as you make it sound. You are living in a fantasy world that you have created by keeping in contact with this woman. A married woman with a "few" kids while you yourself are married. Time to completely cut this relationship off. Take off the blinders and see reality.

[Liraele]

It's emotional infidelity. Knowing this other woman first doesn't change the fact that she is the "other woman" in this instance.

 

Your wife freaked out about the emails while you were dating - how do you think she would feel now?

 

Take it from someone who has been on the flip side - it will devestate your wife. If you value her and your relationship, put a stop to it.

 

Don't continue this while you "sort it out" - it's unfair to your wife and this woman's husband. It's not just about you two - you're hurting 5 other people - your wife, her (this woman's) husband, AND her 3 children.

 

If she's not happy in her marriage, that's up to her to deal with. Your marriage and what you are going to do should be your primary concern.

[CountryHGirl]

It was exciting, but I also realized we were pretty different in a lot of ways, and then there was the obvious workplace issue.

 

you said it yourself, you were different, the workplace...etc. If you really wanted her, you would have pursued her more. I think you need to examine your marriage and yourself to figure out the issue here...

 

cut off contact with her. emotional affairs are sometimes harder than physical to detach from.

[Flyingpiglet]

Everything that frenchFries (edit: and everybody else) said, plus, don't kid yourself that you are not already 'emotionally' cheating on your wife and the other woman on her husband.

 

You love your wife, how would you feel if she found out about this and left? she forgave you once, would she again? How would you feel if she were doing this with anther guy?

You need to get tough with yourself and stop now

[tcan411]

This is all very valid and I have to really asses things. In a weird way I wonder if this whole situation has made it a bit clearer on how I reall yhink of this other woman. Everything happened so fast and people are in certain places in life...I guess its tough to know if these are real feelings or are just manufactured from the situation. It seems impossible for me to tell and I'm usually pretty good at that sort of thing...

[tcan411]

I mean, is it possible that I am just now realizing how I feel abou tthis woman at work?

[Liraele]

You're justifying.

[tcan411]

I probably am. While thinking fo myself as a strong person, the idea of totally cutting off ties with this woman seems terrible to me. I guess I really need to figure out what is important to me and try to sift through this very complaicated emotional situation...

 

And yes, at the time it seemed liek there wasnt a lot in common with this woman, but I seem to be finding more and more the that things i used to view as "in common" are more intangible than I used to.

[charity]

i think the question is really- what is going on with you and your wife? what is lacking in the relationship? whats going on with your communication with her?

yes you are having an emotional affair. after all it is this women who is making you feel all excited and loved up, not your actual wife. you are hiding your communication with this woman, and you are talking to her about how addictive she is so yeah you are having an emotional affair.

 

look i see that you have 2 choices.either you want to be in a relationship with your wife...... or not. if you want your wife then you WORK on your relationship with her. you prioritize her and you make things happen that ignite the chemistry again.

 

now you may decide that you no longer want to be in a relationship with your wife. in that case you start communicating with her and you go down the road of separation. those 2 options are the most unmessy fairest thing you can do. anything else (ie an affair0 is a whole other can of worms that is unfair and nasty to all involved except you.

 

you better start questioning what love means to you. i'm not sure it involves sneaking and dishonesty and intentional hurting to the person you 'love'.

 

you seem like a decent guy and you know we all are capable of doing things we never thought possible but i really hope you stop this.

[LDRohnos]

"I’m getting older, want kids, and this is the best I can do".

 

Scary combination.

 

I think you need to take an overall ethical view of this situation from a 3rd person's perspective. Treat it as if a brother or close friend was texting/e-mailing people during the day (and during the night) and he confided in you about it. What would you tell him?

 

Get the "what could have been" out of your mind. That's gone, buried. Focus on what you have now and how you very well may give it all up to find out that this woman really wasn't the right person for you and the past is completely gone.

 

As others said, you seem like a good person that has slipped a bit in dealing with his emotions. Get control of them and stop talking to her.

[tcan411]

Its really such a tough thing. I never, ever, thought that I would be in this situation. I guess a big part of why its so hard to compute is that it doesnt FEEL wrong because there has been nothing physical. Its such a werid feeling. I can feel that I am gettign more invovled in it though and I think I need to figure out a way to get out of it. the problem is that the thought of this is terrible to me, which probably only means it needs ot end more. I literally am 50-50. A part of me wants to just elave my situation regardless with my wife.

 

I should disclose that my wife and I are having trouble and we have been seeing a counselor for the last 6 months. a lot of it comes from her axiety issues and they cause a massive amount of fighting. I know that this is obviously a big reason for my attraction to things outside of the marriage. what Im starting to feel more and more is that the status quo can't continue. I can't continue this at this pitch on both ends, and I can't just end it. I need to figure out what is going to make me happy before this hurts a lot of people. Its just so tough...

 

I appreciate everyones input and have another question; do these often turn physical? I don;t have any intention as of today but I guess I am trying to sort of see what is going in her head and make sure that that is not there. Again I have no experience with something like this...

[sidehop]

As much as she's needing some emotional support I'm going to assume there's same part missing from your own marriage perhaps? If you're truly happy with the woman you're married to you won't be giving or even building on this feeling you have for this woman as much as she's been in your life before your wife. So what is it that's missing with your wife that you're exactly looking for with her?

 

For your sake and the marriage focus on that and not this other woman. It's going to destroy all of you otherwise.