Gah.

[Liraele]

Somebody just... smack me. Or something. Please?

 

I sent the closure email, and actually got a response. I responded as well, and while I haven't been angry for a while, I'm frustrated now. That's why reaching out is such a tough thing, even when you anticipate nothing in return, even when you really WANT nothing in return. When they respond, and it's ridiculous... it opens up a whole new well of thoughts and emotions.

 

I don't want him back. (I may have masochistic tendencies, but not that bad.) I honestly am fairly certain I don't love him anymore. (3:45 a.m. epiphanies, anyone?) We're at different places and different stages, and that is what makes me wonder...

 

Have you ever stayed away from an ex because you feel like you're at... almost different evolutionary levels? (Not the right term, but I can't figure out exactly which one I'm looking for, here.)

 

I focus a lot on self-growth, learning, and taking responsibility for choices and actions. He uses the line "I had no choice" all the time - and blames his actions/behaviors on various things - drinking, other people's influence, etc. rather than accepting that he in fact makes a choice in the things he does. He does not want to accept responsibility, and it drives me nuts, even now.

 

I'm fond of ( ) obviously.

 

I just wondered if this is a me thing, if it's a looking back at your ex in a new light thing, or if it's fairly common and most likely a real contributing factor in break ups that we don't even think of.

[mhowe]

No, epiphanies do happen. It's like the emotional clouds all of a sudden clear out, and you get the clarity of thought that you couldn't find before on a bet. I left an ex over a decade ago after 8 yrs w/ him --- because of the same issues. Everything wrong in his life (and believe me, there was a lot) was not his fault. It was incredulous to me. Absolutely, unequivocably, NOT HIS FAULT.

 

 

Ahhh, no. Lesson learned. Walk away from those folk. Denial is not one of the United states!!

[loulou37]

What was his response to the closure email?

 

loulou x

[Liraele]

His response was that I should trust people more, because if I believe they might do something bad, they will.

[mhowe]

Is it that now that you look back, or possibily listened to whatever crap he responded, that you are now thinking:

 

What was I thinking?

 

Yeah ---- we more evolved folk tend to attribute our own strengths to our SO's, when in reality, they do not possess them. And when we finally realize that, we think they have changed....when in fact, they are the exact same person we fell in love with. Hate them love goggles....

 

As you can see, I like .......

[Liraele]

Yeah, I think it's a "what was I thinking?" or maybe "I lost the best parts of myself in THIS? Really??"

 

His trust line is his justification for cheating. We had communication issues, which led to insecurity on both sides. So... then he made plans to meet a girl we both knew in Toronto for a weekend.... a girl who was very notorious for being promiscuous, and whom he had a crush on in the past. A trip he hid from me.

 

So... yes. It's my fault, right? Right?

 

Ugh.

[mhowe]

Silly girl, of course it's your fault. If you hadn't not questioned him and found out about it, then he wouldn't have had to tell you, and you would not have broken up with him. How can you not see this is all on you!!!!!!!

 

My ex from ^^ post cheated as well --- said he had to go back to this relationship w/ coke whhhhhre to get closure. Mind you, he dated he12 yrs. before he dated me and was married in between.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much ----- but take the lesson to heart. As I told JNS --- life lesson learned, truly learned means you do not have to repeat it. You get to move on to the next....

[Liraele]

It's how I learned that people that DEMAND trust rather than making the effort to EARN it, rarely deserve it.

[mhowe]

Ohh--- I got that one back when I was 14 (very long story).

 

Not quite sure how many lessons there are, but am very happy about some of the ones I've already got behind me. The one who just finished was a doozy.

[Liraele]

It's humbling to learn that you aren't quite as wise or as strong as you thought. Then again, sometimes you need to be reminded to BE humble, I think. I must have needed it.

 

I thought, at 29, a mom of two, living in a place where my family was far enough away to be inconvenient and where I didn't really know anyone outside my office... who had kicked out the guy that I thought was my soul mate for throwing me against a wall (loooong story), that I was strong and could make it through anything. That I knew where my priorities were.

 

Along comes this guy, 30, makes me laugh, makes me smile - picks me back up off my butt, knows my history, my concerns, how important trust is to me... and then, this. I completely let myself go emotionally, mentally, and regressed to a crazy 18-year-old.

 

Now it makes me shake my head. I'm back, mostly. But man... what a ride. Guess I needed to hit the low to see how far I really had to go. I didn't like crazy me. I forgot she existed, honestly. Won't make that mistake again!

[mhowe]

Yeah --- it sucks. And honestly, I think life does do that every now and then when we get too complacent. Which is why, when things are going really well for me, I make sure and thank the universe.

 

You will really enjoy Illusions.

 

And at 29, you are at a really good place. I was 29 when I veered of the good path and hung out w/ the NO MY FAULT guy for 8 yrs.

[Liraele]

Yeah, I got away from my more learning-oriented side when my ex ex was gone. We shared a big part of our spirituality and thoughts and everything, so it was a rough period. Then when the ex swooped in and according to all accounts was the "perfect guy" - I fell for it hook, line, and sinker without re-grounding myself first.

 

Mistakes made, lessons learned. There is a reason why people are such strong advocates of healing before you jump into the next thing - and it's different for all of us.

[mhowe]

Hey --- it is the wise man who can learn from the mistakes of others. I took almost a decade to heal, reground and regroup. But I was w/ him for almost 8 yrs. It was worth it, however, because who I "became" attracted the man I have now....

[Liraele]

Yeah, I actually thanked him in my final email - essentially for being a * * * * * , but in a nice way. I've been sitting here chuckling at myself for the past 10 minutes because it's weird... I'm actually grateful for the pain, for him not being who he claimed to be, because it helped ME improve myself. Funny how that happens, eh?

[mhowe]

JNS was worried that you really were playing in traffic.

 

Yeah - hell, it you don't take them as learning opportunities, you just want to hang your head and cry. Might as well salvage something from the mess.

[Liraele]

LOL. I was tempted there for a few minutes, not out of despair... I probably would have crushed the first car that came at me just to get the energy out of my system. I was riled, but not really angry. Frustration isn't the right word either. Confusion? Bewilderment? Astonishment? I'm not really sure.

 

Less evolved sounds so haughty, and yet....

[mhowe]

I think you're going for exasperated.

[Liraele]

Ah, yes. Wow, I think even my vocabulary suffered!

[mhowe]

That's what happens when you hang out w/ the less evolved. You got to start hanging out w/ savior types

[Liraele]

/snicker

 

^ Carry-over from the World of Warcraft days.

 

Noted!

[mikhylabelle]

^^^ You guys are funny!

 

It's okay. At least you have said what you wanted to say, and now, there will be nothing in your mind to compel you to even look back.

[Liraele]

"My ACTIONS were just fine, it was your REACTION to it that wasn't. "

 

Traffic?

[RastaPasta]

Have you ever stayed away from an ex because you feel like you're at... almost different evolutionary levels? (Not the right term, but I can't figure out exactly which one I'm looking for, here.)

 

I think the term is you are looking for is different emotional maturity. That is how I feel about my ex right now. When he dumped me I saw him as the most amazing man in the world. Now after his childish behaviour I just see him a different light and it is almost like the person I was with was gone. I think is normal for this to happen when you have taken the time to focus on yourself and figure out what you really want.

[Liraele]

So, I look back over my posts... my emails... my journal.

 

I'm not *really* healed. I put up a good front, but the pain is still there, and it's still eating away at me. I've let him go, I've let go of the actual anger - but there is a bitterness that lingers that I just haven't been able to shake.

 

I realized, in a big way, that I over-communicate things. I analyze them, I want to find the root of the problem, the patterns, and actually CHANGE them. I don't just want to say "Hey, I screwed up, let's just move on and forget it." I'm just, simply, not that type of person. I want to not repeat my mistakes.

 

He, on the other hand, wants to just acknowledge a mistake and forget it... but doesn't understand the frustration that builds up when they are repeated. He wants to bury his head in the sand and not actually deal with them. And he's actually capable of doing that.

 

It baffles me, and I think that's where the bitterness comes from... he can bury his head in the sand and "forget" - and lose himself in other things. Whereas I still struggle to understand so that I can let it go....

 

How in the heck do you let go of the desire to understand the how's and why's of something you never will, that you'll never truly get closure on?

[Liraele]

...the answer to that question is time.

 

I was looking back through my old posts, and found this one, which I had completely forgotten about.

 

My last contact with this ex was March 5th, 2012. I offered a mea culpa, and laid my soul bare, more or less. I was honest, respectful, and final in my withdrawal. He has since then been blocked on every email and social media site that I am a member of, as well as on my phone. I don't know if he has tried to contact me or not. If he has, he has yet to succeed.

 

I went through a whole lot of anger. A whole lot of grief. A whole lot of hatred, which is an extraordinarily awkward emotion for me, as I don't *hate* anyone or anything.

 

I forgave him a long time ago. I finally forgave myself for acting like a crazy person... and that is when the majority of the anger disappeared.

 

We have now been out of contact longer than we were together.

 

I can think about him without pain, or true anger (though I think if I did see him, I would punch him in the junk. Maybe. Maybe not.) I haven't had the desire to contact him. I've been less than an hour from his hometown, and had no desire to reach out.

 

This is the longest it has ever taken me to heal. The least mutual of relationships was the most difficult for me to endure the loss of.

 

Seems strange, but it's true.