My Story (for what it's worth)

[Disillusioned Guy]

I've posted a few bits here and really feel that I'm talking to people who have fought the battle and won. This is my story if you want to know.

 

I was married to a wonderful girl for 9 years, we had been going out together for 11 years. She was everything I ever wanted, and our relationship was great. We were kindred spirits and soul mates. I trusted her as she trusted me and for many years we had a happy life. We never had children which was our decision so we managed to spend time going away travelling and just enjoying each others company. At the time a job was offered me in another town about 300 miles north of my hometown and it looked good - so after a bit of thought and deliberating we made the move and headed north. cutting a long long story short - the job was crap. I was working 12 hour days constantly and realised that I really wasn't happy anymore, so I quit the job and we moved back..

 

Then things started to go strange. She became very distant and forgetful, she started going out for meals with her 'friends' all the time. on our anniversary I wanted to go for dinner somewhere but she said that we couldn't afford it - so we went to her parents instead, 2 days later she went for yet another meal with friends much to my annoyance. She would come back home later and later until she was coming home at midnight after going out at 7.30pm just to see her Grandad (a visit normally lasted an hour when I was there).

 

She stopped telling me she loved me and her behaviour got stranger and stranger. Some guy who I didn't know very well began to drop her home from work. Finally she said that she wanted to 'go it alone' and she wanted a family (try and figure that one out), she refused to try and reconcile - I was absolutley devestated. for 2 weeks I cried and wouldn't accept it. I went and saw her parents and we met up to talk - I wanted to still see her and see if we could sort things out, she agreed but a little halfheartly. For 12 months I lived my life around her, being there for her and trying to spend as much time together as I could - I heard rumours about her and this bloke going placed together but I didn't want to accept it. She slowly excluded me from her family events and I still tried to make it work. Finally she TEXT me to say it's time we moved on.

 

I now heard that she is seeing this guy (which I knew) - but he is 40 years old (8 years older) and did 6 months in prison for child molesting......

 

I don't understand it ?????

[Brandell]

She wants to start a family with a convicted child molestor?

That fact alone should convince she is not exactly operating out of a full deck of cards at the moment. This is very unlikely to last. My guess is she is on a "grass is greener" trip.

[Princess777]

I agree. Somebody somewhere along the line has convinced her (or she has convinced herself) that her biological clock is ticking and this guy just happened to be in the right place at the right time. She is not seeing the red flag of the conviction...... she only sees someone willing to give her the attention she wants and agree with her on things. When a spouse does not view the issue of children the same as the other, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, in my opinion, to make a marriage work. After all, having children is a life altering event. I would hate to see you run to her and say you'll have kids with this woman if you really don't want to, and you're just trying to save the marriage. Having kids is NOT a compromise, and is the wrong reason to stay with someone if your heart is not in it. I would base your decision to stay with this woman (or pursue her) on the subject of children because she obviously wants them now, and that is the real problem here I think. She is most likely afraid to tell you and has been afraid to tell you her point of view because she already knows that you do not want any..... it would be rocking the boat. It's easier for her to withdraw and go out with her friends and this guy because she can be "herself" rather than the person you think she is. Does this make any sense?........ NO it never makes sense but people do it all the time, they change. They change their minds overnight sometimes.... and sometimes it's a gradual change. I am so sorry this is happening to you and I can totally relate. I hope you can find the strength and support to make it through this, regardless of your choice, do what is best for yourself, okay?

[Disillusioned Guy]

Thanks for the replys,

I does make sense what you are saying princess777 but I always thought she was happy without children. She just suddenly seemed to change her mind and begin demanding what she wanted. She only needed to talk to me about it and we could have worked it out. I was totally against kids 10 years ago but my feelings have mellowed with age.

 

I do think she believes the 'grass is greener' and I'm really worried that she is going to find out that it isn't. The biggest upset for me in this despite the loss and the forthcoming divorce - is the lies. We never lied to each other all this time. She has lied so much that she doesn't know where the truth starts and the lies end.

 

I was willing to try and work on any problems as I really didn't want to lose the one person I really loved.... I still love her yet I also hate her. I can't bear to drive past her parents road or go places that we used to go. It's a nasty thing to say, but I hope she does suffer for what she's done.

 

As the the guy she is with now - I'm telling you the truth about his past. Apparently he was set up (yeah right!!)

[Princess777]

Yes, that's kind of what I was saying, she thinks that you think she is happy without children, but deep inside she wants them now and doesn't want to disappoint you or rock the boat by telling you, so instead of trying to work it out, she has made the choice to withdraw and take refuge with someone else. To make a long explanation short, I think she's avoiding talking with you about it probably because she thinks she won't get anywhere..... kind of like it would be fruitless.

 

As for the other guy, he is the only one who knows if he did it......it's so difficult to know things like that and it is unfortunate that she is wrapped up in that kind of mess.

 

I hope you can keep yourself busy and happy regardless of what she is choosing to do right now.... I know it's hard, we all know.

[Disillusioned Guy]

The hardest thing to accept it that she would go and consider starting a family with someone else before talking it through with me - when she knew I would stand by her through the hard times of bringing children up - basically I would have never left her or let her down.

 

I don't know the answers and yes - it's really hard and painful everyday. I find myself thinking of her all the time and to make matters worse I even have dreams about her some nights where everything is okay only to wake up to the reality of life.

 

She said she still cared for me last time we spoke (3 weeks ago) - yet how can you care for someone that you have been cheating on and deceiving for months ??