So easy to slip again

[venquessa1607306442]

Its been nearly 2 years since I got dumped.

 

Recently I posted that I had basically accepted that I was always going to be confused and sore about the break up. I was okay with that. I hadn't seen, nor heard from my exe for about 2 months.

 

2 months on from that and I was still "fine", plodding along in life, trying to look up and forward.

 

Life, money, business, social etc. was in a recesion, looking bad, I didn't have much of any of those things, but I was fine, until....

 

A group of people me and the exe would hang out with were throwing a party, so I went. But... I phoned the exe to tell her it was on. She already knew. She asked if I would meet up with her to walk round to the party with her. I agreed.

 

I called for her to her house, things were pleasant, and calm. At the part, I spoke to her a bit through the night and hugged her, told her I still loved her and she returned the sentiment and said how it was so great that she felt totally comfortable with me.

 

At another point in the night she said she forgave me for every thing I had done during our relationship and that wasn't why we can't be together, but... we just can't. She doesn't want to go back there all over again.

 

I (stupidly?) fell on this. I tried to explain that neither did I! Nobody said anything about going back anywhere. I wanted to go forward, with her at my side.

 

I asked her, "Why didn't I marry you when I had the chance?"

She replied, "I don't know. I was upset about that for ages, when I was with you, why you didn't ask me to marry you."

I thought about this and asked, "What difference would it have made, do you think we would still be together?"

She didn't even need to think, she said, "Yes. I do"

 

Again!

 

The next day I was back in the pain zone, thinking it all through again, destroyed. Thinking how, weeks before the break up we were talking about...

- Getting married.

- Moving to another country.

- Talking about our future.

Then just BANG! All gone. I remember, with hindsight things that were warning signs, from maybe a week or two before she told me, but.... 7 years! and in 2 weeks it goes from, "What about us getting married sometime, or moving to a new country" to, "It's over. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. It's too many things. It's nothing you did, I just don't want to be with you and spend the rest of my life with you."

 

Damn, it still hurts.

 

I hear in other posts that NC (non-contact I persume) is the only way. Meeting you exe and being friendly time and time again, will destroy you slowly and painfully.

 

Maybe you are right. From the past weeks experience, it appears you are right.

 

I have a thought in mind. To arrange an afternoon or evening with my exe, soon, to say, I want it all or I want nothing forever. Marriage, or she changes her number, avoids my house, and I will leave any place she is in, should I see her in the future. Hello forever, or goodbye for ever.

 

Given her that choice and explaining I mean, goodbye forever, will either make her realise she does want to be with me and something is stopping her, or she definitely doesn't and NC is the only way I will properly heal.

 

It's easier when life is doing okay, but when you are having a rough time in life as it is, having all the hurt and pain come back about a breakup you are sill not over, is a nightmare. Your guard falls, and depression brings depression.

 

I am currently desperateky searching for something to look forward to or to be positive about.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Paul

[StarrieMarie04]

I'm going through something similar myself. I know your pain. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I don't think the meeting at the party was such a good idea, but it's a little late for that. I don't think you should say now or never. You could lose her for sure. You don't want to make her feel like she is backed into a corner. If you are going to meet her to tell her how you feel, make it special. Buy her a rose and say something sweet. Try not to get frustrated with her. Remember she was in pain too. She might just be afraid of the pain she will have to feel if it doesn't work out this time either. If it doesn't workout, then I would let it go. You are only 16 sweetie. Give yourself sometime too. I know you love her, but if it's not going to go anywhere, then love yourself enough to move on with your life too. I hope I have been some help to you. good luck sweetie. let us know how it turns out. I'd like to know. -StarrieMarie04

[hitek_rednek]

Dude, you're 16, tons of years and women ahead of you. It seems to me like she likes the idea of having you in the palm of her hand to use as a puppet whenever she chooses, and in the meantime, she has her freedom to do whatever she wants, without worrying about cheating or hurting, or being attached. Best advice, let it go man, just ice her completely. I mean, be friends, say hi, etc. but hold all those feelings inside until they are gone completely. You'll find someone soon enough that will help erase the hurtful feelings, but don't allow yourself to keep being her toy.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[hockeyboy]

umm..im pretty sure hes not 16, i think hes had 16 posts...he was with the girl for 7 years, that would be since 9, am i missing something?

[hitek_rednek]

Blame StarrieMarie, she did it, LOL

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[StarrieMarie04]

LoL....please excuse my stupidity. To paul, my opinon about it remains the same. please disregard the sixteen statement. I do apologize. It was 5am when I posted that to you. Best of luck to you sweeitie.

[venquessa1607306442]

Its ok about the 16 thing, I realised someone would catch on. I'm 29. 30 in a month.

 

I just dont know how I feel at the minute, it changes back and forward. I suppose most of me is pretty much accepting it's never going to be again, but still some of me doesn't want to give up. It's a matter of weighing the pros and cons of not giving up.

 

Not giving up could slowly destroy me and still not end up back with her ever. It could however result in us getting back together tomorrow, or in 2 or 3 years time and living a happy life.

 

On the flip side, giving up, will come with self improvement and a confidence boost, which is a win win thing. What I mean is while I am depressed about not being with my exe, I dont present an appealing mate for her, but a rather wounded and sorry man. Walking away, as for good, could actually have the oppisite effect on the situ.

 

Its just that it's still hard sometimes. Seeing her, talking to her, wondering how she can say so many nice things about me and about us and yet still stand and claim she knows we can't be togther. Even to admit that we should have got married and is we had of, we would still be together. Thats just confusing.

 

When it happens the next day I have new information to analyse and so the cycle of dredging it all up and going through it again happens. I really felt back to square one on Sunday/Monday. At least I knew that it wouldn't last the 6 months like the first impact of it did.

 

Sometimes I ask myself the basic, uncluttered question of... "If you did get back together, "is" she what you want now? Is it just the past I want? Is it just redemsion I want? or do I want her."

 

Its not as easy to answer, but it usually stops me right in my tracks when Im moping around depressed. Thing is, we are so removed from each others lives that its hard to remember, or know what she is like to be with. Maybe it wouldn't work anyway. Maybe she just seen that with some foresight that I didn't have and if we had of stayed together, I would have seen it too eventually.

[hitek_rednek]

Hey man, I feel ya, seriously. However, tonight isn't the night for me to post a good reply to you. I'm having too much of a hard time with life myself right at this moment, and think I'll just finish this beer and head to bed. But I will get up with you tomorrow morning, that's for sure. There is a lot I want to say, but now just isn't the time to say it.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

***Sometimes I think it's God's destiny just to kick you in the *** over and over again, just to have a good time with it***