So scared that my Marriage will end - again.

[smilieman]

Sorry all for having a rant, I just feel a bit on edge today. Really, I'm not bitter, just a bit fed up with all this stuff going on. I just wish we could work together through this like we have before. I don't know how to fix what I don't know's gone wrong.

 

I'm going to the gym in a minute, get rid of the pent up frustration that builds up from time to time. No, I don't want to be in when my wife gets home today. She will be home late after her drink and just for today, I shall be home later. Sounds stupid and childish I know, but I would have expected a phone call just to see how I got on today.

 

More good news: I've just secured another interview for a more senior position at another company up the road. That's on Thursday. It's taken me 3 days to arrange that. The pay is better than the one I went for today and the company is a finance company, which is always good news.

 

So now my attention turns towards the weekend. I'm at the chiropractors tomorrow. We arranged to go together, but seeing as I spent money on my wife's car, we can't go the the shops afterwards as we arranged. The other things that's annoying me, is that my wife went for an emergency appointment at her dentist today. Where did she get the money from for treatment and petrol for out of town dentist, oh and time off work? She has to go back in a couple of weeks to have work done costing £100. Where is she getting this money from and why isn't it being put towards the house? I daren't ask, or question, but don't I have a right to? Back to the chiropractor. I told my wife that unless she wants to, that there's no point in going with me as we can't go into town to look around the shops - no money. But if she does want to come, then we could do lunch afterwards. My betting: She will say that she isn't coming.

 

Secondly, I have to clear the room up ready for decorating, after plastering. I can't do this after seeing the chiropractor, so I shall do this tonight. But, we could go to the DIY store together to get paint. She'll say that we haven't got money for paint. She could also help with the clearing up, but she won't offer, I just know it. This brings me back to the dentist, oh and the new boots she got 2 weeks ago. I need new clothes also, but no money to buy them. She wants a new blouse, so she'll go and buy one - what with?

 

Lastly, I know that she will want to go out round her friends house at some point as she hasn't seen her all week. Why does her friend never come round here? Is it because I'm here, or the fact that she is an alcoholic and drinks wine by the bottle load, so can't drive. I feel unwelcome in my own home. Perhaps I should go out for the entire weekend and take my camera with me and do some photography. I really don't want to do this just to get out of the way, but I'm feeling the pressure of another untalkative weekend looming.

 

Sorry, all these thoughts just from the fact that I wish that she had rung to see how I got on at my interview. To me that one thing, it would have meant the world. If she can't do this, then why am I expected to try to make up for things that I don't know that I've done.

 

I sound bitter. I'm going to the gym. maybe it will clear my head.

 

Thank you for listening.

~ S

[Lester]

You seem like a nice guy... I hung my head low when I first read Smalley's suggestions. I followed his recommendations and my marriage got better.

Your wife is very different than mine.

Wives do seem to like games. Maybe it validates some prehistoric longing or need.

I could never explain to you why my wife loves watching the TV shows she does. There loaded with beautiful people who seemly never have to do any real work. There physical surroundings could only be described as opulent. There only reason for living seems to sex and talking snooty.

 

I don't have anything else... I hope you can save your marriage.

[mindi]

Hey Smilie,

 

It is really hard to work on a relationship when it feels like it is so one sided. It is so easy to blame the other person and focus on all the things they are not doing. She has shut herself off from you for a reason, you just don't know what it is yet. It could be that in her heart she has moved on, or maybe she is feeling the effects of you being depressed.

 

Instead of expecting her to call you to ask about the interview, you should call her. Tell her all about it, be up beat, talk about the upcoming interview, etc. It is keeping your conversation going.

 

 

Something seems to happen to a man (a good one) when he is out of work. It is like his pride is greatly hurt and he becomes really anxious. It happened to my husband. Last year, he was home with the baby everyday for a few months while I was at school, supporting us with my saving and my student loan. He was like a wilted flower, but easy to stress out and quick to get angry. We fought like crazy, for the first time in our marriage. This was when he began yelling. He yelled so much at me over useless things, making the baby wail. When he finally did get a job, it was like he perked up, he started riding his bike to work everyday and he felt great. It really changed how we treated each other, but the effects of the fighting still echo through our marriage today. I have never felt the same since, like some kind of trust had been broken because he hurt me and upset my baby. Men under high stress and out of work feel really down on themselves and it shows. The wilted flower thing. Sometimes it causes them to lash out in all the wrong ways because of built up frustration. I am not saying it is causing yelling in your case, you have already learned your lesson about that. It is just really hard to see your husband in such a situation, and it is even harder knowing you can't do anything about it to change how he feels. Maybe that is why she is shutting off.

 

What is worse, a deadbeat husband who doesn't care if he has a job and doesn't walk to work, sitting on the couch all day, or a good husband who is out of work with hurt pride and feeling pathetic? I would choose the second one, because I know it is temporary and he will do everything he can to get a new job.

[mindi]

link removed

Not to scare you but a lot of this seems to relate to your case.

[smilieman]

I can't say much, as I'm not alone. But yesterday it happened, as I expected. My wife told me that she wants to break. I let everything off my chest and all last night we hugged in bed. She said she's confused and that it's the closest she's felt to me in ages. We connected, but is it too late?

 

We've been talking today, all day and she needs a break. It the first time we've really talked since all this happened in April.

 

Gotta go

~ S

[Lester]

There's something wrong. If not you, whats left?

I think it's likely your wife has become emotionally attached to someone.

 

Did you ever snoop her cell phone?

[Lester]

You said "She said she's confused and that it's the closest she's felt to me in ages."

- What's the possible meaning behind her words. 1. Confused... trying to decide between you and UM. 2. Closest in ages... However slight, you changed. Good.

 

You said. "We connected, but is it too late?" It's never to late, BUT... After a wife consummates an hidden relationship most husbands will not take their wives back. (After consummation wives are abandoned by their shallow "support" (even friends/family), groups. For the first time in years they see their husband clearly... too late.)

[smilieman]

I have to believe though that she isn't cheating. Am I nieve?

[mindi]

She suddenly needs more space, and is out a lot, without you. She sleeps on the other side of the bed. She doesn't call you from work. She is 'confused'. Maybe she is cheating, not necessarily physically, but there might be someone else involved. No one wants to hear this, or believe it.

 

It happened to me once, I was "emotionally" cheated on. Similar symptoms. Out of the blue. A friend told me that she thought he found someone else, but I didn't want to believe it. I asked him directly, he denied, denied, denied. I found out by looking at his email account. They didn't have sex while I was officially with him, but it was still cheating in my books. The point is.. I refused to believe until I found proof myself. Maybe Lester is right, try snooping in her phone. You will feel really crappy about doing it, but it is the only way to find the real truth.

[smilieman]

I know what you guys are saying. I know. I have asked and asked, she says no, but doesn't insist that I'm wrong, just goes quiet. I supposed I don't want to believe this is happening, but I would expect her to be honest.

 

I feel rubbish today. Trying to work and can't. I'm sure that she wouldn't let me feel this way, knowing that she can end it by moving in with another person. At least then I'd be angry.

 

But, at the moment, I'm acting like a victim and I hate that. I shall post onto the breaking-up section. It's not the right place here, although technically, we're still married and trying to work through stuff.

[Lester]

You said she "just goes quiet" when asked about another man. ouch...

 

Here's a hypothetical; You are preoccupied at work, not feeling very well which unbeknownst to you has created a distance between you and your wife. One day, out of the blue, your wife asks you if there is another women.

 

How would you react?

 

Breaking up is easy. All you need is the yellow pages.

 

 

 

The anesthetic of anger will quickly wear off.

[superfox]

Smilie, I'm not going to diss you in any way but maybe point out some things in one of your posts, from her point of view perhaps? i'm not saying it's the right or the wrong way but just another viewpoint.

 

She didn't call you to see how you got on, perhaps she was busy and forgot? it's not an unforgivable crime, it's slightly rude but we've all forgotten things, even important stuff.

 

Beacuse of this you are going to stay out later than she is. i don't like games. Games are about winners and losers.

 

YOU spent money on her car so you can't go around the shops. What happened to window shopping and people watching over a coffee?

 

She HAD to go for emergency dental treatment. EMERGENCY! Yeah expensive but there is no bigger pain than toothache! Does it matter where she got the money from? You only get one set of teeth, paint can wait. And as for not putting it on the house, she's probably sick to death of that house! Hence not wanting to get paint. It's two weeks until Christmas, logical brain says 'finish house', my brain would be 'oh FFS, I just want to chill and not think about magnolia walls and paper for five minutes.'

 

You're assuming she won't offer to help clear up. Tbh, she has been out working all day (no offence to you, I know you've been working on it). But you assume she won't offer, you assume she won't want paint due to the cost, you assume she won't want lunch as she can't go to the shops. You even assume she wants a new blouse. Lot of assuming going on here, the second guessing of your assuming presents is that she's lazy, she's greedy, she's tight and she's wasting dado rail money on her teeth. Do you not think she's getting these vibes too? i sure as hell am!

 

She bought new boots. And? Her wages, her feet. Slightly irresponsible maybe but sometimes we just need a boost.

 

You assume she wants to go around to her friends house - selfish? You're assuming that her friend doesn't come to yours because -

a) she's an alcoholic

b) because you're there

I'd go with 'b'. My controlling ex drove my friends away - as much as he could, but they wouldn't come to the house while he was there because of the atmosphere. Not saying you're controlling but I'm guessing there's an atmosphere. you've made it clear to us that you don't like her friend.

 

'Perhaps i should take my camera and go away for the entire weekend?' Game playing AND sulking, double whammy. Not attractive.

 

Do you know what strikes me as the basis of your marriage just from these words? That its stressful (for her!) and there is NO FUN. At all. Everything is focussed on 'the house' and how you feel. If you carry on like this then you will end up with a beautiful home but no wife.

 

My wife told me that she wants to break. I let everything off my chest and all last night we hugged in bed. She said she's confused and that it's the closest she's felt to me in ages. We connected, but is it too late?

 

We've been talking today, all day and she needs a break. It the first time we've really talked since all this happened in April.

 

So keep talking. Things happen, good things, when the communication is open, you can't do that if you're away sulking with your camera. You hugged all night, i hope (and pray!) that you didn't try anything sexual. She's admitted feeling closer to you than in ages. GOOD!!! Show her you've changed, stop the whinging, offer to pick her up from her mates house so she can have a damn good drink too!

 

Too much point scoring here, you're a partnership, not a game of table tennis. Yes, she hasn't behaved perfectly but you can't change her, only yourself. So keep your mouth shut and pack her off to alki mates with some Lambrini (urgh!) x

[smilieman]

Thank you for you feedback SuperFox! Blimey!

 

So keep talking. Things happen, good things, when the communication is open, you can't do that if you're away sulking with your camera. You hugged all night, i hope (and pray!) that you didn't try anything sexual. She's admitted feeling closer to you than in ages. GOOD!!! Show her you've changed, stop the whinging, offer to pick her up from her mates house so she can have a damn good drink too!

No I didn't try anything sexual. For some reason, I'm not built like that. It's more important for me to get this stuff sorted out first - definitely.

 

Now, I've had to have a good think about what you've said. Am I winging? Do I keep going on about the house? Am I playing "Poor me". I wasn't but I think I have slipped into that just recently, possibly because I feel useless for not working much. Got another interview on Thursday though.

 

As far as playing games is concerned, I won't, but this is what I think that she is doing. I can't even ask her what she wants to do for xmas, as she doesn't know if she'll be around! This is how close it is. When we were talking se told me what attracted her to me in the first place. I made her laugh - Still do. I had a good personality and I was confident - not now. Also, she was attracted to me because I was strong (not physically necessarily) - certainly not now. But how can I change this?

 

I work on me. I go to the gym. I go out to work when I can (like this week). I do stuff at home and then she comes home and says that it's not working again. My gut feeling is that she "needs" me to be strong. She has been strong all these years and I wonder if she's just had enough and wants somebody else (me) to take the reigns? This is what I did before we got back together. I told her that I had had enough and that she needs to stop lying and tell me what was going on. A week later she wanted to come back home.

 

When we spoke she told me that she needed me to be strong, for me. Does this mean that she's going to leave and she needs me to be strong for that, or does it mean that this is what she needs from me? Confusing....! Truthfully, I think that she needs to feel safe and for that I need to be strong. But how can I do that when I feel so very weak (and probably pathetic!).

 

I've always offered to take her round her mates for a drink and I've always offered to run her there and back. Her mate never comes to ours - never has. I suppose that my wife feels embarrased because the way the house looks. Now, I would agree that it has a lot to do with atmosphere. I have never drove her friends away though and have always encourgaed her to go out - always, until this issue raised it's ugly head.

 

She mentioned to me when she spent all of our savings on clothes, that she did this to cheer herself up. Yes, wrong, she knows it. It does give her a boost, but it hasn't stopped her from not trying at this realtionship thing.

 

Assumptions: Thank you for pointing these out. I recognise assumptions that my wife has made (a lot of them) that has not helped this situation. It nice to have mine pointed out also. I try so hard not to assume, but the pain of doubt make it easy to assume. As far as the vibes go - good point. I don't mean them nastily, but if they are constant......

 

I just wish I could put stuff right. I don't know how to get strong, I try and then go back to playing "victim". I really don't want this to happen, but the pain is so unbearable I don't know what to do when she says it's all over, as I know she hasn't delat with things that she needs to deal with.

 

~ S

[smilieman]

Oh, forgot to ask: How would I keep talking, without it coming accross that I'm always bring stuff up and keep harping on? No clue. No conversations on this subject are ever started by my wife.

[superfan]

What about jobs like fast food/retail/call centres? I know they are probably beneath what you are qualified to do, but you have to go where the money is. I am a qualified teacher and haven't been able to get work in my field. Until recently I was flipping burgers and working at Call Centres.

[smilieman]

I've been doing all of this, seriously. I have another interview tomorrow and one on Friday to secure a month contract, so the work is starting to find me again, although it's very short-term contracts at the moment - hope it picks up.

[smilieman]

Well, it finally happened. After an entire week of trying to make things nice at home, I came home from my interview tonight and my wife had packed her stuff and gone. She left a note saying that she couldn't speak to me about it as she didn't want to see me hurt.

 

I've been in a mess tonight, and almost took my own life. The police were called and after meeting with the crisis team people, they sent me back home again. So, I'm on my own and I feel the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life and I have lost the woman that I truly love. There is nothing I can do.